This Story Sucks

[Dleg]

klk rushed back down the castle stairs, and through the main hall, where Dleg was still giving his speech.

"...and every once in a while, we are called by destiny to fight! Like this one time, oh man this is a funny story, this one time when I was working for the worst boss I ever worked for, way out in the Pacific ocean..."

She ran out the door and was surprised to see hundreds of people now manning the castle ramparts, and dozens of trebuchets firing madly into a scene of mass destruction and Dorc carnage below her.

"Where's Goredalff?" she asked. Several people pointed her toward him. He was leaning against the rampart, watching the action and directing fire. Three huge arrows protruded from his body. "You're not looking so good there, Goredalff."

"I'll be fine."

"The Mark 69 has been disconnected from the internet, but it's still running, and it says it's still going to melt down!"

klk reported.

"Disconnected from the internet? Well, that won't do crap! And you can't shut it down?" klk shook her head. Goredalff leaned back against the wall. "Get VTEnviro in there. I showed him how to reprogram it. Maybe he can figure it out. Hurry!"

klk ran back inside the castle, looking for VT. The last she had seen him, he had gone to the castle's dungeons to look after Goredalff's preserved sample specimens. She passed through the main hall again, and headed for the stairs to the dungeon. Dleg was still talking.

"...sure, some of you might not come back today. And that's OK, because we all know that, um, some people don't live as long as others anyway, and there are certain risk factors. Like eating too much bacon or using petroleum jelly with condoms. For instance, I was dating this girl in college, and she thought it was safer to use two, and what really happened was this..."

 

[Dleg]

VTEnviro was running up the stairs holding a box, just as klk was running down the stairs to find him.

"Hurry! Goredalff told me to take you into the sub pen to try to reprogram the Mark 69."

"But I can't go in there!"

"Why not?

"Because my body is in the Colorado node!"

klk rolled her eyes and picked the hobbit up, put him under her arm, and ran back up the stairs. They made it into the tower and she let herself into the holding cell, locking it behind her and VT.

"My precious?" She kicked McKellom unconscious again, still holding VT under her arm, and then plugged her nose and blew.

 

[Dleg]

"Hey! klk is back!" General Higway stood with Freon at one end of the sphere room, keeping their distance from the superheated, whistling Mark 69.

"And she brought another naked chick with her!" Freon said.

"Guys! This is VTEnviro, Dleg's Internet Czar. Goredalff sent him to shut down the Mark 69!"

"Whoa." Freon said, blinking his eyes a few times, and looking back at klk, who by now had wrapped herself in a walrus skin again. "I thought disconnecting it from the internet did the trick?"

"No, that didn't do shit. That HVAC guy lied to us."

"Oh crap! I wonder if DK is in trouble?" General Highway looked genuinely concerned.

"I can go in HVAC's sphere and try to pull him out, if need be." klk began moving toward the sphere, while VTEnviro set down his box, and picked up the HP-41.

 

[Dleg]

klk emerged on the platform above the Lindor gates to find the Dark Knight being pressed against the stone floor by a fiery appendage emanating from the burning book, and Darth HVAC standing on the other side of the book, pointing at the sky. She looked up and saw Ironicman descending rapidly, carrying a short, one-eyed pink thing with a sword.

He landed at the other end of the platform, and placed the pink thing on the platform in front of him, which then drew it's sword and bounced upright.

"Ha hah! I am PE-ness, swordfighting master of Middle West! Prepare to die!" PE-ness began advancing toward them, rapidly twirling his sword in front of him. The burning book laughed and released its grip on the Dark Knight. klk grabbed him, plugged her nose, and blew.

 

[Dleg]

klk dropped back down onto the concrete floor in the sphere room.

"Are you OK?" She asked the Dark Knight, who covered himself and grabbed for a walrus skin offered by the vanity troopers.

"I'm fine! The Batsuit is made from a kevlar-nomex composite, and is completely fire resistant!"

A loud, steady beeping was heard from across the room, coming from the Mark 69. VTEnviro put down the HP 41 and walked quickly away.

"What is it?" asked General Highway.

"Melt Down!" VT replied. "I can't stop it!" The beeping increased in frequency, and the front of the Mark 69 glowed a dull red from the heat.

"Should we leave?" General Highway asked. Everyone else in the room had stopped what they were doing, and either ran for the blast doors, or stood waiting for orders.

The beeping suddenly stopped with one double-beep, before VT could respond. He returned quickly to the Mark 69, shielding himself from the heat with the walrus skin, and picked up the HP-41.

The display scrolled the following text: "URL DOES NOT EXIST. ENTER NEW URL FOR PARTITION."

VT stood and walked away from the heat. "It looks like the location of the partition disappeared in the defrag! It's asking for a new location to partition! Quick! Does anyone have that asshole's URL?" VT pointed to the sphere that He Who Must Not Be Named had entered.

 

[Dleg]

The Mark 69 made another double-beep, and then resumed the rapid alarm beeping.

"Ut oh.." VT ran for the HP-41. The display now scrolled "ENTER URL OR WAIT 60 SECONDS FOR FULL INTERNET WIPE"

"Oh shit! I need to feed it a URL fast, or it's going to wipe the entire Internet!"

General Highway acted quickly. "klk! Get back in there with HVAC and see if you can get the URL for that place! DK! grab her ankles and pull her back out before it goes off!" He looked around. "Doesn't anyone have a laptop in here?"

The stormtrooper with "Rudy" sprayed across her chest pulled an iPad from her utility belt. "I was just on Facebook, would this help?"

"Yes! Give that to me!"

 

[Dleg]

klk popped back into Middle West right in the middle of a sword fight between PE-ness and the giant burning book, which had extended a sword of flame, or some other fiery appendage, and was engaged in a duel to the death. She looked around for Darth HVAC, determined to grab him and drag him back to the sub pen, but HVAC was faster and grabbed her by the neck and tasered her, sending her, quivering, to the platform.

 

[Dleg]

VTEnviro shouted "30 seconds!".

General Highway called back from the iPad, "What do I look for? I don't even know who this guy is!"

"You don't? What? Of course you do! It's

Spoiler

NAME DELETED FOR EVERYONE'S PROTECTION

!!!!"

Highway thought for a moment. "Who?!"

VT glanced back at the HP-41, still shielded from the heat by the walrus skin. The edges of its plastic case were beginning to melt. It now read 25 seconds.

"Dammit! just punch in

Spoiler

Letter that rhymes with "whee!"

Spoiler

Letter that rhymes with "whee!"

Spoiler

Letter that rhymes with "why!"

dot com!

 

[Dleg]

Wolverine, aka Ironicman, had been flying around the platform, watching the sword fight between PE-ness and the burning book. He had attempted to kill the book himself, but was unable to even touch the 4-dimensional being. He had deduced that a completley one-dimensional character like PE-ness might have a better chance, and he was right. The book was extraordinarily skilled at the flame saber, but ultimately was no match for PE-ness's sword fighting skills.

As he watched, PE-ness made a series of incredibly deft moves, and had the book backed up to the edge of the platform. But just then, klk had appeared directly in front of Darth HVAC, who tasered her to the ground. Wolverine knew he needed to do something.

"Aw, shit!" he said, diving in toward the platform.

 

[Dleg]

Dleg was just wrapping up his speech in the castle hall.

"And so, I say, let's get out there and kick some Dorc ass! And tear up some vaginosaur! And..."

Big Ray stepped in and interrupted him. "Hey! Dumbass! The battle's over and the Internet is ending! You should get your ass outside and start kissing it goodbye!"

"Huh?" Dleg stepped away from the podium and rushed to the doorway, and saw the castle ramparts littered with arrows and the bodies of fallen Knights of Eebie. The survivors were huddled together near the center of the south wall. Dleg pushed his way through, and saw Goredalff on the floor, back against the wall, with three arrows sticking from his body.

Goredalff spoke. "The Mark 69 is at the end of its countdown. You see that shimmering in the sky? That's the beginning of a complete reformat of the Internet. It is the end of Middle West."

 

[Dleg]

Wilheld sauntered into the sphere room. "Hey guys! What's all the commotion?" The Mark 69 was beeping very fast, glowing red hot and whistling at an extremely high pitch. VTEnviro sat behind a walrus skin shield, punching the calculator's keys. General Highway and Freon stood by, looking at an iPad that was set on some sickly yellow bulletin-board type of display.

The stormtrooper named engineer gurl responded. "Eh. That skinny guy over there is trying to make the Mark 69 wipe out only a piece of the internet, rather than the whole thing, and everyone else is cryin' about it. In other words, not much."

"Wait, what part of the Internet are they trying to wipe out?" Wilheld asked.

"That creepy old guy's part, you know, the big boss. The guy over there in sphere 1." She pointed idly.

 

[Dleg]

The Mark 69's beeping had increased to a steady tone. The edge of the calculator was beginning to drip molten plastic. The weapons cart holding the Mark 69 was beginning to buckle, as its metal began to soften.

"5...4...3.."

VTEnviro punched in the last digit of the URL Highway had given him, and pressed "Enter", burning the tip of his finger on the melting button. "I got it!" He stood and ran away from the Mark 69.

Highway, Freon, and the stormtroopers let out a cheer as the beeping suddenly ended in another double beep, and the whistling grew to a new intensity. Suddenly, VT shouted "Oh Shit!", and ran back toward the Mark 69.

 

[Dleg]

Wolverine swooped down, on full retrorocket burn in the Ironicman suit, and snatched the still-convulsing body of klk from the platform.

But unfortunately, the noise of his entry startled PE-ness, and in the fraction of a second that he let down his guard, the evil burning book was able to disarm him with a swift move. PE-ness's sword fell from the platform, and the tip of the flame saber was up against his neck.

"Prepare to die, you foul little creature!"

"I spit in your eye!" PE-ness responded, defiantly, letting loose a stream of...

 

[Dleg]

Wilheld also suddenly shouted "Oh! Shit!", and ran for the tangle of cables on the floor that had earlier been unplugged from the Mark 69. "Aha! Here it is!" He held up a narrow network cable that had an awkward series of adapters on its end, terminating in an RS-232 jack. He grabbed the cable and started running for the red-hot Mark 69. He passed VTEnviro on the way, who was running back toward the spheres carrying the small wooden box he had come in with.

 

[Dleg]

Wilheld made it to the Mark 69, and, attempting to shield his face from the heat with one arm, yanked the HP-41 free from the configuration port, and connected the other cable in his hand, burning his fingertips in the process. "How's that for an internet connection, Chuck!" He shouted, turning to run for the blast doors, where everyone else was headed.

The Mark 69 rapidly brightened, and then fell through the molten weapons cart and began burning its way through the concrete floor. VTEnviro was the last one out of the room when it detonated.

 

[Dleg]

"Pop!" A sound like an old fashioned flashbulb, complete with crackling glass noises, came from the sphere room, and the intense white light that had just began faded away.

"Is that it? Did it work?" Asked General Highway, stepping cautiously from behind the door.

 

[Dleg]

The sky in Middle West suddenly cleared. The hobbits cement, JR, Big Ray, and MA_PE looked up from Goredalff's robes, sniffling and wiping their eyes.

"Is it finished?"

 

[Dleg]

PE-ness's stream of spit vanished suddenly, along with the burning book.

"What has happened?" PE-ness asked, turning to look at Darth HVAC.

"Uh oh..." HVAC turned and ran for the stairs.

 

[Dleg]

General Highway, Freon, VTEnviro, The Dark Knight, Wilheld, and several stormtroopers and members of the Chucktown's crew walked slowly back into the sphere room. Smoke rose from the hole the Mark 69 had melted into the concrete. But all was quiet.

"I ... I suppose it worked?" Asked Highway.

"Hey VT, what were you doing with that box there, just before it went off?" Freon asked.

VTEnviro just smiled.

 

[Dleg]

Chuck was ecstatic. At first.



"I AM IN THE INTERNET! I AM FINALLY FREE!"

But it did not last long.



"THIS ISN'T RIGHT. WHAT IS THAT? AND THAT? WHAT ARE THOSE HUMANS DOING? AHHHHHHHH!"

He found himself adrift in a space occupied only by tubgirls, meatspins, lemonparties, 2 girls 1 cups, guys being raped by horses, and all manner of other disgusting internet things.

Someone else was in there with him, and was also screaming in horror. He soon came into view, a small man, with a book held in front of his face for protection.