This Story Sucks
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"I wonder what the hell that means?" General Highway asked. "It's not exactly a fission device. I wonder if Gore would know?"
Just then, klk reappeared from her sphere.
"Excellent timing!" General highway motioned her over. "This thing says its going to melt down. We need you to ask Gore how bad that would be."
"Yes, sir! But, Gore sent me in here to do something first. If you'll excuse me ..." klk headed off to the sphere where Darth HVAC was located, followed by her stormtrooper vanity guard. "Hey Batman!' She called back. "You might want to stand by for this."
"I wonder what Gore's up to now?" Said Highway, watching as the Dark Knight and Wolverine walked over toward the sphere.
A moment later, a pudgy, naked, middle-aged man was pushed out of the vanity screen by the stormtroopers.
"Don't hurt me! This isn't fair! I graduated from a top 3 engineering program!"
Just then, klk reappeared from her sphere.
"Excellent timing!" General highway motioned her over. "This thing says its going to melt down. We need you to ask Gore how bad that would be."
"Yes, sir! But, Gore sent me in here to do something first. If you'll excuse me ..." klk headed off to the sphere where Darth HVAC was located, followed by her stormtrooper vanity guard. "Hey Batman!' She called back. "You might want to stand by for this."
"I wonder what Gore's up to now?" Said Highway, watching as the Dark Knight and Wolverine walked over toward the sphere.
A moment later, a pudgy, naked, middle-aged man was pushed out of the vanity screen by the stormtroopers.
"Don't hurt me! This isn't fair! I graduated from a top 3 engineering program!"
klk stood on the windy platform above the Lindor gate and looked down at herself. Holy crap, Goredalff was right! If you pull someone out of their sphere, you re-renter in their clothing! She was now Darth HVAC.
She reached a hand up inside the faceplate, plugged her nose, and blew herself back into the sub pen. "Hey! Batman! You need to get into this sphere and take Darth HVAC's place! You fit his costume better!"
"What? I don't understand - "
"No time to question! Just get in there and pretend you're him! You'll see! We'll be back with more instructions!" klk turned to Wolverine. "Take off your clothes and come with me over here!" and she ran off toward the sphere where the body of rrpearso was located.
She reached a hand up inside the faceplate, plugged her nose, and blew herself back into the sub pen. "Hey! Batman! You need to get into this sphere and take Darth HVAC's place! You fit his costume better!"
"What? I don't understand - "
"No time to question! Just get in there and pretend you're him! You'll see! We'll be back with more instructions!" klk turned to Wolverine. "Take off your clothes and come with me over here!" and she ran off toward the sphere where the body of rrpearso was located.
klk had been in such a hurry that she had foregone the usual modesty procedures, and just ran to rrpearso's sphere in the nude. Wolverine followed her, but did not take off any of his clothes.
"Hey, I don't think I should go in there!" He held up his claws. "Wouldn't this be a bit like leaving a fork in the microwave?"
klk crouched on the crate and stuck her head up inside the sphere, and then ducked back down. "Perfect! Get your body halfway in there and pull that ******* back out. I'll hold onto your ankles. Why aren't you naked yet?!"
"I - I - "
"Oh, jeeze! Hey! Engineer gurl! Get over here and give The Claw some privacy!"
The stormtrooper privacy screen arrived, and the women held up the tarps, but faced inward to watch.
""Aw, come on!" Wolverine objected. The women snickered.
"We don't have time for this!" klk admonished him, accepting a walrus skin from one of the troopers.
Wolverine took his shirt off, but stopped there, and got on top of the crate. "Only half-way, right?"
"For now!" klk rolled her eyes. "Hurry!"
Wolverine stuck his head and shoulders up inside the sphere.
"Hey, I don't think I should go in there!" He held up his claws. "Wouldn't this be a bit like leaving a fork in the microwave?"
klk crouched on the crate and stuck her head up inside the sphere, and then ducked back down. "Perfect! Get your body halfway in there and pull that ******* back out. I'll hold onto your ankles. Why aren't you naked yet?!"
"I - I - "
"Oh, jeeze! Hey! Engineer gurl! Get over here and give The Claw some privacy!"
The stormtrooper privacy screen arrived, and the women held up the tarps, but faced inward to watch.
""Aw, come on!" Wolverine objected. The women snickered.
"We don't have time for this!" klk admonished him, accepting a walrus skin from one of the troopers.
Wolverine took his shirt off, but stopped there, and got on top of the crate. "Only half-way, right?"
"For now!" klk rolled her eyes. "Hurry!"
Wolverine stuck his head and shoulders up inside the sphere.
He emerged onto a hot asphalt road running through a desert, with a range of rocky, brown mountains to his left, and a burning valley in the distance to his right. Directly in front of him was ... Ironman? Wolverine had not seen Ironman in some time, but he was pretty sure this wasn't him... the metal suit appeared too crudely made. At any rate, the metal-suited man was clearly dead. Wolverine grabbed it by it's ankles, and dragged it back into the pavement from where he was protruding, startling a couple of buzzards that appeared to have the heads of... nah, it couldn't be....
Suddenly he was back in the sphere room, with a limp, crusty dead body falling to the floor from his hand.
"Holy Crap! What the fudge was that!"
klk was there with the walrus skin wrapped around her. "See?! I told you! No get your clothes off and get in there! When you get in there, you'll be ironman, or at the very least, you will have his armor suit and can impersonate him."
"OK, but what do I need to do once I'm in there?"
"We'll get back to you on that. But for now, Gore just wants you to head back to Lindor - "
"Lindor? What the... What is that place in there? It looks like Nevada to me - "
"Just get up in the sky and look for a huge army of Dorcs, and head that way. Watch out for the giant flaming *******."
"Huh?" But klk had already turned and left by now, headed for her sphere, where she could return to the Castle.
Suddenly he was back in the sphere room, with a limp, crusty dead body falling to the floor from his hand.
"Holy Crap! What the fudge was that!"
klk was there with the walrus skin wrapped around her. "See?! I told you! No get your clothes off and get in there! When you get in there, you'll be ironman, or at the very least, you will have his armor suit and can impersonate him."
"OK, but what do I need to do once I'm in there?"
"We'll get back to you on that. But for now, Gore just wants you to head back to Lindor - "
"Lindor? What the... What is that place in there? It looks like Nevada to me - "
"Just get up in the sky and look for a huge army of Dorcs, and head that way. Watch out for the giant flaming *******."
"Huh?" But klk had already turned and left by now, headed for her sphere, where she could return to the Castle.
A dozen stormtroopers had the naked and pudgy Darth HVAC bound and subdued, up against the wall near the Mark 69. Three others dragged rrpearso's body out of the room. General Highway approached HVAC.
"So, you're Darth Vader? Or should I just call you GT_ME, now that you don't have your suit?"
GT_ME looked up in defiance. "I do not need a suit to be superior to you and your inferior state college engineering degrees!"
"Yeah, yeah, I've heard it all before. So, if you're so superior, tell us what's going to happen if this thing melts down." Highway gestured toward the Mark 69, which had stopped spewing visible gas, and was now just whistling with the expulsion of superheated air from the bullet hole. Freon had moved back a little farther to avoid the increasing heat, but the HP-41 was still connected.
GT_ME's face darkened a little. "It's melting down?"
"That's what the warning lights say."
GT_ME silently considered the situation he was in, and his options. Outside the sphere, and without his Darth Vader costume and stormtrooper army, he had no protection and no power. He also had no idea what the Mark 69 would do if it melted down, but he assumed it would be bad. However, it appeared these guys thought he knew what would happen.... so maybe he was not so powerless. He looked up at General Highway and spoke. "I know how to shut it down, but you'll have to untie me."
"So, you're Darth Vader? Or should I just call you GT_ME, now that you don't have your suit?"
GT_ME looked up in defiance. "I do not need a suit to be superior to you and your inferior state college engineering degrees!"
"Yeah, yeah, I've heard it all before. So, if you're so superior, tell us what's going to happen if this thing melts down." Highway gestured toward the Mark 69, which had stopped spewing visible gas, and was now just whistling with the expulsion of superheated air from the bullet hole. Freon had moved back a little farther to avoid the increasing heat, but the HP-41 was still connected.
GT_ME's face darkened a little. "It's melting down?"
"That's what the warning lights say."
GT_ME silently considered the situation he was in, and his options. Outside the sphere, and without his Darth Vader costume and stormtrooper army, he had no protection and no power. He also had no idea what the Mark 69 would do if it melted down, but he assumed it would be bad. However, it appeared these guys thought he knew what would happen.... so maybe he was not so powerless. He looked up at General Highway and spoke. "I know how to shut it down, but you'll have to untie me."
klk re-entered Middle West through McKellom's holding cell, knocked him out, asked to be released, and then headed down the stairs to the main meeting hall of the Castle, where Dleg was giving a speech to all the gathered Knights, Hobbits, Humans, and livestock.
"... and I'd like to recognize the Secretary of Agriculture, now Centaur, Supe, for his presence..."
klk rolled her eyes and looked for Goredalff. He was standing against the far wall, near an exit, listening politely. The room was packed, so klk began trying to work her way through the crowd as Dleg continued, finally finished with the obligatory welcoming statements.
"Ladies and Gentlemen of Middle West, and Hobbits, and other... things.... I come to you today a better man, a humbler man, a man who isn't president of **** anymore, or so I am told. In fact, I am not even sure that I ever was President." Dleg laughed. "I just remember waking up in the White House after a three month hookers and blow binge, and someone calling me Mister President, and hey! I was President! I just figured it was all some elaborate prank for the first two years!"
klk had made it to where Goredalff was standing by now. She nudged him and whispered, "The Mark 69 says it's melting down. They want to know if that's bad?"
Goredalff's eyes widened in alarm. "Let's go outside to talk." Dleg continued his speech, as Goredalff led klk outside to the walkway that led around the uppermost rampart of the castle. klk looked beyond the wall in the direction of Lindor.
"Oh ****, Goredalff! Look at that!"
"... and I'd like to recognize the Secretary of Agriculture, now Centaur, Supe, for his presence..."
klk rolled her eyes and looked for Goredalff. He was standing against the far wall, near an exit, listening politely. The room was packed, so klk began trying to work her way through the crowd as Dleg continued, finally finished with the obligatory welcoming statements.
"Ladies and Gentlemen of Middle West, and Hobbits, and other... things.... I come to you today a better man, a humbler man, a man who isn't president of **** anymore, or so I am told. In fact, I am not even sure that I ever was President." Dleg laughed. "I just remember waking up in the White House after a three month hookers and blow binge, and someone calling me Mister President, and hey! I was President! I just figured it was all some elaborate prank for the first two years!"
klk had made it to where Goredalff was standing by now. She nudged him and whispered, "The Mark 69 says it's melting down. They want to know if that's bad?"
Goredalff's eyes widened in alarm. "Let's go outside to talk." Dleg continued his speech, as Goredalff led klk outside to the walkway that led around the uppermost rampart of the castle. klk looked beyond the wall in the direction of Lindor.
"Oh ****, Goredalff! Look at that!"
Goredalff looked up and saw that Mount Dumb and the gates of Lindor were rapidly approaching the castle. "Ut oh! I was worried this might happen!"
"What is it?"
"The defrag! The Internet is deleting all the empty space in the valley caused by the fire!"
"That can't be good!"
"Well, the good news is, it appears to have stopped the fire, the bad news is - "
Goredalff's words were obscured by the thunderous "PFFBBBTTTTT!s" of the roaring vaginosaurs, which were now directly up against the castle walls, amidst a sea of Dorcs, Noobs, and Internet Trolls.. He grabbed klk by her stormtrooper armor and pulled her up against the ramparts as a shower of arrows rained down on them.
"What is it?"
"The defrag! The Internet is deleting all the empty space in the valley caused by the fire!"
"That can't be good!"
"Well, the good news is, it appears to have stopped the fire, the bad news is - "
Goredalff's words were obscured by the thunderous "PFFBBBTTTTT!s" of the roaring vaginosaurs, which were now directly up against the castle walls, amidst a sea of Dorcs, Noobs, and Internet Trolls.. He grabbed klk by her stormtrooper armor and pulled her up against the ramparts as a shower of arrows rained down on them.
The sounds of the attacking hordes prevented them from talking. Goredalff waited for a lull in the arrows and then ran with klk back to the main hall, where Dleg was still speaking. Arrows bounced off the hall windows like rain, and the room shook from the blows of giant battering rams on the castle gates and walls. Everyone was looking around in alarm, but no one spoke up for fear of being rude.
"And so, sure, I suppose you have a lot that is worth fighting for here in Middle West!" Dleg looked around and shrugged. :dunno: "I mean, hey, so you don't have any women here. And so there's a giant **** that sword fights. And that unicorn guy. Sure, someone could step in and accuse you all of being a little on the, you know, ****-erotic side of things. Not that there's anything wrong with that! But it sure would be nice if I could get a pair of Levis or something else other than these green tights! Am I right?" He laughed. "The point is, YOU PEOPLE," he emphasized this with finger-quotes, "don't know any better, and there are some cool things here. I mean, you've got that kick-***, heavy metal aesthetic thing going on, with the dragons and whatnot. And you do - I mean did - have one pretty kick-*** muscle car, and yet no mullets! And that's worth something, for sure..."
Goredalff and klk went person-to-person, calling them to battle stations, as Dleg's speech continued unabated. As soon as they were gathered outside under the shelter of the small foyer at the hall entrance, Goredalff gave his orders. "Sschell! Take JR aloft on ktulu, and get him started with his attack! The rest of you, take to your bows or man the trebuchets! klk and VT! Stay here! I have a special errand for you!"
"And so, sure, I suppose you have a lot that is worth fighting for here in Middle West!" Dleg looked around and shrugged. :dunno: "I mean, hey, so you don't have any women here. And so there's a giant **** that sword fights. And that unicorn guy. Sure, someone could step in and accuse you all of being a little on the, you know, ****-erotic side of things. Not that there's anything wrong with that! But it sure would be nice if I could get a pair of Levis or something else other than these green tights! Am I right?" He laughed. "The point is, YOU PEOPLE," he emphasized this with finger-quotes, "don't know any better, and there are some cool things here. I mean, you've got that kick-***, heavy metal aesthetic thing going on, with the dragons and whatnot. And you do - I mean did - have one pretty kick-*** muscle car, and yet no mullets! And that's worth something, for sure..."
Goredalff and klk went person-to-person, calling them to battle stations, as Dleg's speech continued unabated. As soon as they were gathered outside under the shelter of the small foyer at the hall entrance, Goredalff gave his orders. "Sschell! Take JR aloft on ktulu, and get him started with his attack! The rest of you, take to your bows or man the trebuchets! klk and VT! Stay here! I have a special errand for you!"
The castle residents soon had ten trebuchets up and firing into the massed Dorc army. Frazil and Supe stood at nearby archer's slits and fired their longbows into the horde, picking Dorc archers off their vaginosaur platforms. They soon saw pink explosions in the attacking forces.
"What the hell are you guys shooting at them?" Frazil yelled to Box of Rocks and Fudgey, who were manning the closest trebuchet.
"SPAM!"
"What the fudge? That can't possibly work?" Supe responded, incredulously.
"It always worked before!" Fudgey replied, clutching at his gut. "I have something else that I fire at them, but I'm waiting for the proper moment!"
Just then, two black dragons flew low overhead, out over the castle walls and over the main body of attackers.
"That must be JR and Sschell!" shouted Frazil.
"What's all those yellow things dropping behind them?" asked Supe.
"Smileys!" responded Pickles, pushing an ammunition cart full of spam down the rampart. "That's JR's specialty!"
"What the hell are you guys shooting at them?" Frazil yelled to Box of Rocks and Fudgey, who were manning the closest trebuchet.
"SPAM!"
"What the fudge? That can't possibly work?" Supe responded, incredulously.
"It always worked before!" Fudgey replied, clutching at his gut. "I have something else that I fire at them, but I'm waiting for the proper moment!"
Just then, two black dragons flew low overhead, out over the castle walls and over the main body of attackers.
"That must be JR and Sschell!" shouted Frazil.
"What's all those yellow things dropping behind them?" asked Supe.
"Smileys!" responded Pickles, pushing an ammunition cart full of spam down the rampart. "That's JR's specialty!"
JR flew over the hordes on the dragon ktulu, following sschell on roadwreck. As they passed overhead at a safe altitude, JR released clusters of exploding smileys over the horde:
:blowup:
He also dropped a line of swordsmen and hammer smileys:
:chair: :fencing: :beat: :fencing: :bash:
And as they rounded the rear guard, an entire bananallama cavalry, to flank the attackers:
:bananalama: :bananalama:
:blowup:
He also dropped a line of swordsmen and hammer smileys:
:chair: :fencing: :beat: :fencing: :bash:
And as they rounded the rear guard, an entire bananallama cavalry, to flank the attackers:
:bananalama: :bananalama:
As they turned over the gates of Lindor, JR looked back and saw that the smileys were causing serious damage to the Dorc army. Sschell led them on a diving attack toward something that looked like a burning engineering reference manual on a tall stone pedestal. Roadwreck fired a jet of flame at it, but it did little good - the thing was already on fire. JR reached into his smiley bag and attempted to drop an exploding smiley on him, but instead accidentally grabbed an "I'd Hit It":
:signs051:
which did indeed hit it, but failed to do any damage.
They turned to repeat the attack, and gained a view of the other side of the castle. It was being attacked by an even larger horde of Dorcs, Vaginosaurs, Noobs, and Internet Trolls. JR once again laid down a bananallama cavalry:
:bananalama: :bananalama: :bananalama:
And sprinkled the horde with various other smileys.
"I'm almost out, sschell!" The hobbit JR called out to him.
"That's OK! Hit them with the music!" JR pressed a button marked "Play" on ktulu's saddle, and loudspeakers under the dragon's wings came to life with the sounds of Metallica's "The Call of Ktulu".
"Oh yeah!" sschell called, but JR was unable to hear him, and dropped his last load of hammer and swordsman smileys over the attacking horde on the other side of the castle.
:signs051:
which did indeed hit it, but failed to do any damage.
They turned to repeat the attack, and gained a view of the other side of the castle. It was being attacked by an even larger horde of Dorcs, Vaginosaurs, Noobs, and Internet Trolls. JR once again laid down a bananallama cavalry:
:bananalama: :bananalama: :bananalama:
And sprinkled the horde with various other smileys.
"I'm almost out, sschell!" The hobbit JR called out to him.
"That's OK! Hit them with the music!" JR pressed a button marked "Play" on ktulu's saddle, and loudspeakers under the dragon's wings came to life with the sounds of Metallica's "The Call of Ktulu".
"Oh yeah!" sschell called, but JR was unable to hear him, and dropped his last load of hammer and swordsman smileys over the attacking horde on the other side of the castle.
A group of five Dorc commanders approached the Dark Knight, who stood on the command platform at the Gates of Lindor, wearing Darth HVAC’s costume.
“Lord HVAC! The smiley attack has disrupted our assault on the castle gates, but the damage was inconsequential. I request two reserve divisions of vaginosaur cavalry to crush the banallamas that are tearing through our rear flanks!”
The Dark Knight was momentarily confused, but saw where he may be of some use in the fight. “No, Commander! Stick to your attack! Leave the reserve forces where they are!”
“But Lord HVAC, we have the momentum! You yourself told us that was the key! We must hit them with everything we have!”
“Yeah, well I changed my mind!”
Just then, the burning reference book appeared at his side. “Ah, my apprentice! I see the attack goes well! We will have them begging for surrender in no time! I can take this from here! Get back to the sphere and stop the Mark 69!”
DK was somewhat taken aback by the strange, 4-dimensional being that now faced him. “Stop the Mark 69? I don’t understand, uh, sir.”
“Return to the sub pen, now!”
Klk had neglected to tell DK how to return. He thought quickly. “Uh, yes, Master. Give me a moment!”
The book disappeared, and quickly reappeared at the top of the tower just behind them.
Just then, klk appeared next to him on the platform, in stormtrooper gear. “Come with me!”
“Lord HVAC! The smiley attack has disrupted our assault on the castle gates, but the damage was inconsequential. I request two reserve divisions of vaginosaur cavalry to crush the banallamas that are tearing through our rear flanks!”
The Dark Knight was momentarily confused, but saw where he may be of some use in the fight. “No, Commander! Stick to your attack! Leave the reserve forces where they are!”
“But Lord HVAC, we have the momentum! You yourself told us that was the key! We must hit them with everything we have!”
“Yeah, well I changed my mind!”
Just then, the burning reference book appeared at his side. “Ah, my apprentice! I see the attack goes well! We will have them begging for surrender in no time! I can take this from here! Get back to the sphere and stop the Mark 69!”
DK was somewhat taken aback by the strange, 4-dimensional being that now faced him. “Stop the Mark 69? I don’t understand, uh, sir.”
“Return to the sub pen, now!”
Klk had neglected to tell DK how to return. He thought quickly. “Uh, yes, Master. Give me a moment!”
The book disappeared, and quickly reappeared at the top of the tower just behind them.
Just then, klk appeared next to him on the platform, in stormtrooper gear. “Come with me!”
They arrived back in the sub pen, were handed their walrus skin coverings, and bat-helmet, and were taken over to where the Mark 69 was. GT_ME, naked, held onto the HP-41, the service cable stretched tight at the end of its 12 foot length, while the Mark 69 whistled from its bullet hole like a boiling teakettle.
“That crazy burning book thing wants me to disarm the Mark 69!” DK reported.
“Why would he want that?” Asked General Highway, thinking.
klk responded. “The castle has moved! The defrag process eliminated all the empty space between it and Lindor, and now they’re up against the gates and are being overrun by the Dorc Army! Maybe the castle is in the location where the partition was supposed to take place, and he doesn’t want to lose it? He probably thinks he has the upper hand.”
“I have no fudging idea what you’re talking about.” Highway responded. “But what do you think, does he have the upper hand?”
“Oh, undoubtedly. There’s probably a million attacking Dorcs, and thousands of vaginosaurs and trolls and such.”
GT_ME was listening carefully. He knew he couldn't stop the meltdown. He had no idea what he was doing, despite his top-3 engineering education. He decided to play his cards.
“That crazy burning book thing wants me to disarm the Mark 69!” DK reported.
“Why would he want that?” Asked General Highway, thinking.
klk responded. “The castle has moved! The defrag process eliminated all the empty space between it and Lindor, and now they’re up against the gates and are being overrun by the Dorc Army! Maybe the castle is in the location where the partition was supposed to take place, and he doesn’t want to lose it? He probably thinks he has the upper hand.”
“I have no fudging idea what you’re talking about.” Highway responded. “But what do you think, does he have the upper hand?”
“Oh, undoubtedly. There’s probably a million attacking Dorcs, and thousands of vaginosaurs and trolls and such.”
GT_ME was listening carefully. He knew he couldn't stop the meltdown. He had no idea what he was doing, despite his top-3 engineering education. He decided to play his cards.
"You are correct. He was planning to lure Goredalff and his merry garage band of monikers, as he calls them, into the space in front of the gates of Lindor, and then lock them away forever inside a secure partition inside the Internet. If the Mark 69 goes off, it will take the entire castle with it, because the castle now lies in the same valley where the Mark 69 was set to partition. It will destroy not only the castle, which He wants, but it will destroy your friends, as well." GT_ME came clean.
"Why are you telling us this?" Demanded General Highway, pointing his pistol at GT_ME's head. "Do you even know how to shut this thing off?"
"I am only telling you this because it appears we have a common goal, to shut this thing off. And no, I don't know how to do that. But - " GT_ME stood, and Highway jabbed the gun at his head. He held his hands up, and continued. "If you unplug it from the internet, it won't do a damn thing." He motioned at the large, thick transparent cable near his feet, which connected to the nosecone of the Mark 69.
"You've got to be fudging kidding me." Highway kept the gun at his head.
"No. Why do you think it's connected to this thing?" The cable ran to the four spheres, where it split into thousands of tiny fibers going into each, which then reconverged in another thick, transparent cable that was connected to a large wall jack at the back of the room, labeled indecipherably in Russian.
"It says 'internet', sir." reported klk, who knew a little Russian.
"Why are you telling us this?" Demanded General Highway, pointing his pistol at GT_ME's head. "Do you even know how to shut this thing off?"
"I am only telling you this because it appears we have a common goal, to shut this thing off. And no, I don't know how to do that. But - " GT_ME stood, and Highway jabbed the gun at his head. He held his hands up, and continued. "If you unplug it from the internet, it won't do a damn thing." He motioned at the large, thick transparent cable near his feet, which connected to the nosecone of the Mark 69.
"You've got to be fudging kidding me." Highway kept the gun at his head.
"No. Why do you think it's connected to this thing?" The cable ran to the four spheres, where it split into thousands of tiny fibers going into each, which then reconverged in another thick, transparent cable that was connected to a large wall jack at the back of the room, labeled indecipherably in Russian.
"It says 'internet', sir." reported klk, who knew a little Russian.
Freon stepped to the front of the weapon and removed the plug, dropping the cable onto the concrete floor. "So that's it?"
GT_ME shrugged. "I believe so." The Mark 69 continued to whistle from the overheating, though, and the countdown and meltdown warning lights had not changed.
"So what do we do with this thing now? What happens when it melts down?" Asked Highway.
"It will take all of us with it." GT_ME lied. "Unless you let me enter Middle West again, and return with the shut down password."
"No! You said yourself there was no way to shut it down! We've tried! And there was never a password required! It just didn't work!" General Highway continued to aim the gun at him.
"That's not true. It can't be stopped from the menu system. But there is a kill code. I can have Him give it to me, if he believes it will stop the detonation."
Highway looked at the Dark Knight. "Go in there with him!"
GT_ME shrugged. "I believe so." The Mark 69 continued to whistle from the overheating, though, and the countdown and meltdown warning lights had not changed.
"So what do we do with this thing now? What happens when it melts down?" Asked Highway.
"It will take all of us with it." GT_ME lied. "Unless you let me enter Middle West again, and return with the shut down password."
"No! You said yourself there was no way to shut it down! We've tried! And there was never a password required! It just didn't work!" General Highway continued to aim the gun at him.
"That's not true. It can't be stopped from the menu system. But there is a kill code. I can have Him give it to me, if he believes it will stop the detonation."
Highway looked at the Dark Knight. "Go in there with him!"
The swordsman and hammer smileys fought valiantly from within the horde, but were simply outnumbered in the end. The bananallama cavalries had better success, and had almost split the attacking armies into two, more vulnerable fragments, but again, the numbers were not in their favor, and one by one, they fell. Soon the attack of the smileys was over, and the invading horde’s attentions returned to the castle defenders.
Goredalff stood on a tower and cast spell after spell with his staff, repelling the flying Noobs that attacked, but he had been hit with three arrows from lucky Vaginosaur warriors, and was finally unable to stand anymore. Cement knelt by the wizard in the slim cover of the space behind the rampart walls.
“Oh, Goredalff! I’m sorry I ever doubted you! I’m sorry I was so disrespectful to you, over and over and over again!” He sniffled and wiped tears from his eyes.
Goredalff looked at him. “Don’t worry about me. Now, I think you should get over there and load the spam in that trebuchet. It looks like Squitchy has had it.”
The Knight Squitchy was down, with a massive Dorc arrow run clean through his head. Cement ran off and loaded the trebuchet with spam, and called out “fire!” to Mr. Man, who was aiming the weapon. The spam arced over the Dorc hordes and exploded on the back of a vaginosaur, killing it and the five Dorc archers who rode on top of it.
Goredalff stood on a tower and cast spell after spell with his staff, repelling the flying Noobs that attacked, but he had been hit with three arrows from lucky Vaginosaur warriors, and was finally unable to stand anymore. Cement knelt by the wizard in the slim cover of the space behind the rampart walls.
“Oh, Goredalff! I’m sorry I ever doubted you! I’m sorry I was so disrespectful to you, over and over and over again!” He sniffled and wiped tears from his eyes.
Goredalff looked at him. “Don’t worry about me. Now, I think you should get over there and load the spam in that trebuchet. It looks like Squitchy has had it.”
The Knight Squitchy was down, with a massive Dorc arrow run clean through his head. Cement ran off and loaded the trebuchet with spam, and called out “fire!” to Mr. Man, who was aiming the weapon. The spam arced over the Dorc hordes and exploded on the back of a vaginosaur, killing it and the five Dorc archers who rode on top of it.
Goredalff watched through an archer’s slit in the wall. He was too weak to fight anymore. The Dorc army was simply too powerful. It was only a matter of time now.
He looked up and saw He Who Must Not Be Named, watching from the tower in Lindor, which was very close now. And as he looked, he saw what looked like a flying car, followed by thousands of smaller flying objects, roaring past the tower and headed their way.
“Road Guy has returned!” Shouted Big P. from a nearby trebuchet.
“And PE-ness!” shouted Big Ray, as he pulled the arming pin from a spam grenade with his teeth.
“And the army of the dead!” Added Goredalff, struggling to his feet.
He looked up and saw He Who Must Not Be Named, watching from the tower in Lindor, which was very close now. And as he looked, he saw what looked like a flying car, followed by thousands of smaller flying objects, roaring past the tower and headed their way.
“Road Guy has returned!” Shouted Big P. from a nearby trebuchet.
“And PE-ness!” shouted Big Ray, as he pulled the arming pin from a spam grenade with his teeth.
“And the army of the dead!” Added Goredalff, struggling to his feet.
Soon the castle walls were filled with dozens more trebuchets and hundreds more archers, as the long-departed spam knights of Eebie returned to fight alongside their brothers. Goredalff recognized many of them. There was JoeysVee, Captain Davey Jones, petergibbons, kipper, EdinNO, MetroRAFB, and hundreds more. Even benbo and Flyer had returned, and were eager for vengeance.
The spam increased in volume to the point that the Dorc archers were unable to fire. Vaginosaurs went down by the hundreds, crushing the hapless Dorcs as they fell. Internet trolls fell left and right, filled with arrows.
“We’re out-spamming them!” Shouted Fudgey, turning around to unleash his own load on the overwhelmed armies below.
PE-ness drew his sword and prepared to dive into the retreating Dorc army, but just as he did, an incredibly loud sound ripped the air over his head, and a flying metal man landed in front of him in a cloud of smoke.
“Do not be fooled by the power of your flying armor! It is no match for the power of my sword, I assure you!” PE-ness stiffened and poised himself for a fight.
Ironicman reached down and grabbed PE-ness by the scruff of the neck and took off into the sky.
“Heeeelllllpppp!”
The spam increased in volume to the point that the Dorc archers were unable to fire. Vaginosaurs went down by the hundreds, crushing the hapless Dorcs as they fell. Internet trolls fell left and right, filled with arrows.
“We’re out-spamming them!” Shouted Fudgey, turning around to unleash his own load on the overwhelmed armies below.
PE-ness drew his sword and prepared to dive into the retreating Dorc army, but just as he did, an incredibly loud sound ripped the air over his head, and a flying metal man landed in front of him in a cloud of smoke.
“Do not be fooled by the power of your flying armor! It is no match for the power of my sword, I assure you!” PE-ness stiffened and poised himself for a fight.
Ironicman reached down and grabbed PE-ness by the scruff of the neck and took off into the sky.
“Heeeelllllpppp!”
He Who Must Not Be Named looked down on his rapidly diminishing armies, now fully in retreat, and grew extremely angry. “HVAC! Where are you!”
Just then, Darth HVAC reappeared on the platform below him, along with the Dark Knight. The burning reference book rematerialized himself to their platform instantly, separating the two. DK attempted to grab onto the burning object, but found himself unable to grasp the four dimensional shape. A tongue of flame licked out from the side and held DK firmly against the platform.
“What have you done, HVAC! They have destroyed our army! I hope you didn’t disarm the Mark 69! It’s our only hope now!”
Darth HVAC thought quickly. “Master, the Mark 69 has been damaged, and cannot be disarmed. It is headed toward melt down. They disconnected it from the spheres, and now believe that they have prevented it from affecting Middle West.”
The book sat silent and burning for a moment, and then let out an evil laugh. “Good work, apprentice! Those fools bought that? The Mark 69 doesn’t require an internet connection! And the meltdown will only hasten its detonation! MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
Just then, Darth HVAC reappeared on the platform below him, along with the Dark Knight. The burning reference book rematerialized himself to their platform instantly, separating the two. DK attempted to grab onto the burning object, but found himself unable to grasp the four dimensional shape. A tongue of flame licked out from the side and held DK firmly against the platform.
“What have you done, HVAC! They have destroyed our army! I hope you didn’t disarm the Mark 69! It’s our only hope now!”
Darth HVAC thought quickly. “Master, the Mark 69 has been damaged, and cannot be disarmed. It is headed toward melt down. They disconnected it from the spheres, and now believe that they have prevented it from affecting Middle West.”
The book sat silent and burning for a moment, and then let out an evil laugh. “Good work, apprentice! Those fools bought that? The Mark 69 doesn’t require an internet connection! And the meltdown will only hasten its detonation! MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
