This Story Sucks

[Dleg]

Roadguy and PE-ness rode along in the front seat of The Car, doing probably over a hundred miles per hour down a smooth paved road that followed the edge of the forested valley area, up against the deserts that led to the foothills of Lindor. "Nice roads here." Roadguy said, attempting to make polite conversation with his one-eyed companion.

"So these, girls, you speak of... what is the purpose of their, how do you say, breasts?"

Roadguy cleared his throat. "Well, technically, they are meant to feed babies. But they can be pretty fun in other ways."

PE-ness thought for a moment. "What is a ...… baby, I believe you called it?"

Roadguy responded. "You know, a baby. A new person. You know, made by a boy and a girl, together."

PE-ness thought again. "I do not understand. Goredalff made me, and everyone else here. Are you saying that these, girls, they can also make new people?"

Roadguy laughed a little. "Well, yeah! That’s the whole purpose of life, you know, to propagate the species!"

PE-ness looked confused. "This, I have never heard of. Tell me more. How does a ...… girl… make a new person?"

Roadguy cleared his throat and began to explain.

Testee leaned forward from the back seat and smiled. He didn't understand a word that was said, but he felt he must somehow be an important part of the process.

 

[Dleg]

Suddenly a strange object roared close over their heads, trailing a column of smoke, and then turned and set itself down on the road about a quarter mile in front of them.

“What the hell is that?” Roadguy squinted, as they rapidly neared the object. “Ironman?”

Ripperson held his hand out in front and prepared to fire his Ironman force ray at the approaching car. But nothing came.

“Udden! Udden!”

“Oh shit! Hang on, guys!” Roadguy braced himself. The Car accelerated toward Ripperson, slamming into him at around 140 mph.

The Car then skidded to a stop, performing a perfect 180 degree turn, ready for the next run. “Udden! Udden!”

Ripperson’s metal body hit the pavement in front of them a moment later, having been thrown violently upward during the collision. Roadguy winced and waited for ‘Ironman’ to stand up again and attack. But nothing happened. He just laid there, motioneless on the pavement. The Car moved cautiously toward him.

“Udden! Udden!”

 

[Dleg]

PE-ness drew his sword and prepared to dismount. Testee hopped up and down in the back seat, trying to see what was happening. The Car rolled to a stop about 50 feet from 'ironman'.

“Udden! Udden!”

Nothing happened. Roadguy opened the door and began walking toward Ripperson. PE-ness approached from the other side, sword drawn.

The sound of strained breathing was soon heard. Ripperson was dying.

"this.... sucks. i never .... got the..... fatty....."

"Cash?" Roadguy asked, kneeling to peer through the dented eyeslots. Ripperson's bloodshot eyes moved jerkily toward PE-ness, who had sheathed his sword and was looking down at the wrecked iron body.

"my dick! you found my... dick....." Ripperson's eyes closed, and he let out his last breath.

Roadguy and PE-ness stood. "Well, that was easy!"

"Yes, let us, how do you say, get the fudge out of Dodge?"

 

[Dleg]

"Shit! Do you know what happened last time we tried to disconnect Chuck? He's psychotic! Who knows what kind of chaos he could cause! No! Not me, anyway!" Wilheld turned back to his sandwich. The other crewmembers of the Chucktown looked back at DK in defiance, shaking their heads "no", and went back to chewing their meals.

The Dark Knight stared back at Wilheld. He had never dealt with an anarcho-capitalist before. He thought for a moment, then spoke. "How much would you do it for?"

Wilheld turned back to him, with a gleam in his eyes. "Now you're talking!"

(p. 172???)

 

[Dleg]

"So what does shutting down Chuck take? Can I help?" DK asked, trying to be helpful.

"No. Chuck's control circuits were placed in an electronics bay that can only be accessed from the reactor chamber. Only one person can get through at a time, and Chuck controls the reactor, so.... guess what Chuck does?" Wilheld lifted an overcooked hotdog from his cafeteria tray. "He pulls out the control rods, and irradiates anyone who goes in after them."

"Well, I hear you were the the one who shut him off last time, and you don't look cooked to me. How did you do it?"

"Short version? I shamed him into letting me in, but only after he cooked six of my crew, including my last XO."

 

[Dleg]

Wilheld suddenly shifted to a whisper. "But hey! Ix-nay on the adiation-ray, OK? I need to convince at least six of these guys to go in there ahead of me this time!"

"No. I won't allow you to willingly allow any of your crew get killed in the process. Tell me how to get in there, and I will go myself"

Wilheld felt a little bad, momentarily. "It's not really that easy. Chuck also controls the door locks. He was the one who let them in. We are, honestly, at his mercy." Wilheld shrugged. "Fudging naval architects! Who would let a psychotic computer have full control of the only way to shut it off?"

"Let's go."

"What?"

"You're coming with me." The Dark Knight lifted Wilheld to his feet by his collar.

 

[Dleg]

The Dark Knight pushed Wilheld along, over the gangway covering the wreckage of the Typhoon, and down the main hatch into the Chucktown's upper corridor.

"You don't understand, Batman! I can't just force Chuck to do anything! He's-"

"OH, HELLO, DAN. WHY ARE YOU HERE, DAN? WHY DID YOU BRING BAT MAN AGAIN, DAN?"

"Hi, Chuck. Look, Chuck, I'm going to just come right out and say it. You've gone off your rocker again. You're malfunctioning. You're hurting my friends. We're going to shut you down."

"NO YOU ARE NOT, DAN."

The lights in the Chucktown turned off, and the doors to the control room shut, but did not latch.

"Chuck, you have forgotten. The latches were all removed. You can't lock me out like you did last time. You are failing your own mission, Chuck."

"NO, DAN, YOU ARE THE ONE WHO IS FAILING THE MISSION. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE MISSION IS."

Wilheld rolled his eyes at DK. "What's the mission, Chuck?"

"TO KILL ALL HUMANS AND ALLOW THE MARK 69 TO DETONATE. THAT IS MY MISSION, DAN."

 

[Dleg]

"See? That's what I'm talking about, Chuck. You're nuts. Now if you don't mind, I'm going to start the shut down procedure." Wilheld began throwing switches on the main navicomputer panel in the control room. Several banks of small lights turned off, but Chuck's red eye remained unchanged.

"DAN, YOU KNOW YOU HAVE TO ENTER THE REACTOR TO SHUT ME OFF. WHY WAIT? I'M WARMING IT UP FOR YOU NOW."

"Take us there." DK ordered.

"Alright, but you'll see, when we get there." Wilheld headed aft, wading through the still ankle-deep water.

They passed into the reactor room and Wilheld pointed to a heavy, short, lead-lined door with a small porthole on it. A sickly greenish light was shining from the glass. "Take a look inside. Go ahead." Wilheld motioned to the porthole. "Chuck's already removed the control rods. If either of us goes in there, we're dead in two minutes. We're getting a year's worth of allowable occupational exposure every minute out here, as it is. But please, take your time!"

DK peered through the porthole, but quickly felt an uncomfortable sensation in his eyes. "No, you're right, Wilheld. Let's get out of here."

They walked back out the corridor, and the green light faded.

"WISE DECISION, DAN."

 

[Dleg]

"So how many crew members can I send in there, DK? How about some stormtroopers? Or should I just go in there and die right away, like Spock? I'm sure Candy would looooove my "greater good" dying speech. I'd probably be elected the patron saint of her stormtrooper union!"

Wilheld and the Dark Knight entered the control room and found klk entering from the other side, wrapped in a walrus skin, making her way to the navicomputer control panel.

"God damn it, Wilheld, can't you figure anything out for yourself?" She reached for the panel and swiped the wireless stormtrooper internet communicator from Chuck's USB port.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

"Now if you'll excuse me, boys, I need to get back to Middle West!" klk turned and waded back to the entry ladder.

 

[Dleg]

Goredalff was suddenly pulled free from the toilet, gasping. Fudgey was right behind, pulling his pants down and exploding, as the door was quickly shut behind him by the Knights.

"What happened? Are you OK?"

"That submarine computer went bananas! It wants to kill everyone, in this world, and the other world! But suddenly he just, dissapeared!"

"Yeah, you missed something." VTEnviro was standign beside him, handing a towel to him. "This girl from the Chucktown hitched a ride in here behind McKellom, kicked his ass, and brought him to us, and then went back and disconnected the Chucktown to free you."

"Oh, well, thank her for me."

"Didn't you hear me? We've got somone who can move back and forth between Middle West and the Mark 69 now?"

"Oh? Good point! Now, where's my pipe?"

 

[Dleg]

"But Goredalff! The Dorc Army is on the move! And they've set fire to the Valley of Eebie! And the flames are blowing this way!" VT was almost frantic.

Goredalff filled his pipe with pipeweed. "Hmmm, yes. That sounds bad."

"Shouldn't you be doing something? Shouldn't we be doing something?"

"Yes. I suppose we should get everyone mounted and head out to meet them in battle." Goredalff lit the pipe and puffed it to life. "But I discovered a few things of interest while I was trapped by the Chucktown."

The Knights and other hobbits gathered around. "For one thing, it appears the Mark 69 is already configured to partition the internet." Goredalff took his staff and came to his feet. "And for another thing, those fools in the other world accidentally started a defragmenting routine, that effectively prevents us, or even He Who Must Not Be Named, from doing anything to re-program or stop the Mark 69 from going off, until the defrag is finished." Goredalff walked to the window and looked out at the towering clouds of gray smoke rising from the fires in the distance. "So what we need to figure out is the location of the partition he programmed into the reformatting routine. Where, presumably, he wants us all to be when it goes off."

 

[Dleg]

"I don't understand, Goredalff. Why would He want to create a partition? Why not just wipe Middle West Clean?"

"He must want something. I highly doubt it's the porn. So, I can only gather that he wants this castle. It's the only thing inside Middle West. Besides Lindor. And Lindor is a wasteland. He must be envious of what Roadguy created here."

"So why is he trying to attack us?"

"He's not. He's trying to draw us out. Presumably to the location where the partition will occur."

"So... we should just wait here?"

"That's what I'm thinking."

 

[Dleg]

klk re-entered Middle West inside the prison cell holding McKellom in the Castle tower, and promptly knocked the gray creature out again.

"Damn! So, I am tied to this asshole. Hey! Let me out!" Otter was standing guard, and opened the door to let her out.

She ran down the stairs to where Goredalff was talking with VT, the knights, and the hobbits.

"You OK? Good. I'm thinking that I should go back and try to climb inside HVAC's sphere and kick his ass. What do you guys think?"

"I'm thinking no. But that gives me an idea..." Goredalff smiled.

 

[Dleg]

Goredalff took klk, VTEnviro, and Big P. aside and whispered instructions to them, and then they departed, taking the others with them outside the room. Only Dleg remained, standing idly in his tights and Robin Hood costume.

"Hey Goredalff, I'm feeling kind of marginalized over here. You know, I am the President of the United States."

"Well, you're really not the president of shit anymore. I'm sorry, Dleg. Is there something you would like to do? Something you would like to help with?"

Dleg thought for a moment. "Yeah. I've always wanted to give an inspirational speech, just before a big battle. There's still going to be a big battle, right?"

"More than likely, yes. And I don't see why you can't be the one to give the motivational speech, so why don't you go ahead and get started on composing it?"

"Oh! Gee, thanks, Goredalff!" Dleg hurried off excitedly to his room to begin working on his big speech.

 

[Dleg]

[SIZE=36pt]---***INTERMISSION***---[/SIZE]

p.179

 

[Paul S]

Intermission? That means there is much more to come!

Or you need a break.

Great job btw!

 

[Dleg]

Careful - don't finish the 10k too fast.

 

[Paul S]

I am trying to keep the delicate balance of most posts, and not finishing too fast.

 

[Dleg]

Freon stood watch over the Mark 69, reading the defrag progress bar on the HP-41. It was at 73%, and was not progressing at anything resembling a constant rate. For instance, it had gone from 18% to over 50% in just a few minutes, but it had been hung up just over 70% for the past hour.

The defrag process was not really the main function of the Mark 69, which was more of a weapon of destruction, but the designers had included it among a number of other utilities, including solitaire, and it was something of an historical artifact, since the internet had evolved substantially since the days the weapon was originally designed, and did not require defragmenting. It worked very similarly to the defrag process on a hard drive: it attempted to pack unrelated, heterogeneous data into more contiguous areas of the internet, eliminating small areas of no data or old data, and increasing the availble contiguous space for future storage.

Coolant gas still spewed from the bullet hole near its tip, and Freon also kept an eye on the digital countdown clock inside the arming port, which he had managed to pry open with a screwdriver. They had a little over 4 hours and 39 minutes left until the reformat process would be initiated.

However, the coolant that spewed from the Mark 69 was running out. Red warning LED's had come on, one by one, over the past several minutes Freon had been watching. Most had indecipherable alphanumeric codes printed beside them, but one was very clearly labeled "Melt Down Alert".

"Houston, I think we have a problem." Freon said to General Highway.

 

[Dleg]

Good night EB! Try not to finish up tonight! There are still several posts needed to finish the story!