This Story Sucks

[Dleg]

Wolverine immediately tumbled backward over the seat and then over the outboard engines from the force of the acceleration, catching himself only by stabbing three claws through the port propeller, ruining it.

The rocket boat accelerated upward toward apogee at an altitude of approximately 20,000 feet, where the engines cut off and the boat and crew became suddenly weightless as it began its ballistic descent.

"Pretty exciting, isn't it, gentlemen?" Freon smiled. Wolverine clawed his way back into his seat and buckled in.

"Jesus Christ! Now what, we just free-fall into the ocean?"

Freon just laughed.

The rocket boat was now accelerating downward at tremendous speed, beginning to shudder from the extreme velocity in the thin, cold air above the clouds.

"Why is is shaking like that?" asked General Highway, alarmed.

"Buffeting! We're approaching the speed of sound, and the Boston Whalers were never designed for supersonic travel!" Freon laughed again, as the buffeting became worse.

 

[Dleg]

General Highway was seated next to Freon behind the center console, and looked for the airspeed indicator - 708 mph! The boat was rapidly approaching the cloud tops. "How do we even know where we're going?!"

"We don't!" Freon laughed again, a little more maniacally than before. "It's all in the initial trajectory! We better pray I did my ballistics calculations correctly!"

They had now entered the clouds, when suddenly the sound of something releasing from the stern was heard, and the boat began decelerating. "Drogue chute!" explained Freon.

They continued to slow. 500 mph. 400 mph 300 mph. The clouds grew darker. Highway did a quick mental calculation. "We're not slowing enough! Are you sure-"

His question was cut off by the violent deceleration caused by the main chutes opening, right as they passed through the bottom of the cloud layer. They were at about 3,000 feet and were drifting toward a rugged, snowy island.

"Right on target!" exclaimed Freon, proudly.

 

[Dleg]

"I don't know about that!" replied Wolverine. "Isn't this thing supposed to be a boat? it looks to me like we're headed for land."

He was right. The boat was still at 1,000 feet when it crossed over the walrus-covered beach. ""Well then, gentlemen, it looks like I'm going to be setting you down a little closer to the target than intended!" Freon laughed again.

"There! I see him!" the Dark Knight suddenly unhitched himself from the seat harness and jumped overboard, his batwings deploying and allowing him to glide down toward what looked like a human figure lying on the ground near a lone walrus, some distance inland from the beach.

"Damn that Dark Knight!" cursed Wolverine.

"Gentlemen, I believe we may have a problem!" Announced Freon. The combination of a sudden updraft of wind caused by the island and the lighter weight that resulted from the departure of the Dark Knight had allowed the boat to rise upward. They were now approaching the sheer ridgeline that separated the island into two parts. "This may be unpleasant!"

The boat slammed into the side of the knife-edged ridge, and was dragged violently upwards by the parachutes, ripping away the starboard railings and the canopy supports in the process.

 

[Dleg]

The boat caught on the top of the ridge and slowly tipped toward the other side, as the cargo chutes continued to drag in the wind.

"Oh crap!" shouted General Highway.

The boat was suddenly free of the ridge and falling rapidly down the other side. It was caught by the chutes and swung and spun wildly in the wind.

Freon reached for the instrument panel and flipped a switch, activating the retro-rocket system which rapidly stabilized the swinging motions and set the boat softly down onto a rocky, snow-blown slope.

"Oh crap!" repeated Highway.

"Oh great! Now we're trapped on the other side of the island!" Wolverine dismounted from the boat and looked up at the towering ridge above them. It was sheer rock and ice.

Freon had climbed down from behind him. "Maybe these gentlemen can help us."

"Huh?" Wolverine turned to see a small group of people approaching them, dressed heavily in native walrus-skin coats.

 

[Dleg]

The Dark Knight's winged landing had startled the female walrus badly, and she moved away as fast as she could, groaning and hissing in his direction. There was no man, only an empty, bloodied survival suit. DK threw it back down on the ground and attempted to follow the path up into the rocks. It did not take long to find the cave entrance, and the path inside was obvious. He made his way carefully through the open fault area, and then into the blasted tunnel, and finally came to a large cavern housing a concrete building, which was mounted on giant springs.

There was a door at the corner of the building with a set of steel steps leading up to it. He stepped up and pulled a device from his bat belt. It was a small television monitor with a tiny camera on a flexible probe. He slid the probe under the bottom edge of the door and viewed the monitor. It revealed a large, empty warehouse. He retrieved the probe and returned down the steps. The rock cavern was open on all sides of the concrete warehouse, so he walked around the corner and saw that there were several similar concrete buildings, each with a door. He quickly deduced that he was inside some sort of service access tunnel.

 

[Dleg]

DK walked along the rocky service passage, probing doorways as he came to them. Most were empty, but in a few he saw what looked like women dressed in stormtrooper costumes, coming and going. He made a run around the end of two long buildings, and came finally to a very large room, where the passage ended with a concrete wall poured directly against the rock. He found the nearest service entrance and inserted the camera probe.

There were four large, transparent spheres suspended in the center of the room. Some sort of device that looked like a torpedo was mounted on a cart at the far end of the room, with all manner of cabling connected to it. A large number of men in gray suits worked around it and the spheres. Under one sphere, he saw what appeared to be a man in a Darth Vader costume, watching as four men lifted a naked body up into an opening at the bottom of the sphere.

 

[Dleg]

He moved the probe some more and saw someone else entering the large room. It was a short man in a black, hooded robe, and he was surrounded by six people in red armored suits with capes and spears. This group approached the man in the Darth Vader suit, who then lifted the robed figure up to the point that his head entered the opening in the sphere where the naked body had just been inserted. He was lowered down shortly afterward.

DK moved the probe again, and saw a group of more than ten men in gray suits running toward the door, carrying assault rifles. He rapidly withdrew the probe and slid silently into the darkness under the concrete building next to one of the suspension springs, readying two bat-boomerangs for action.

 

[Dleg]

The squad of gray-suited technicians descended the steps and moved rapidly down the rock passage. DK stepped from the darkness and followed them.

They ran around the end of one long building and entered the space between it and the next. DK stopped at the corner and watched. The leader of the group pulled a paper from his uniform pocket and stopped about halfway down the corridor, and then pointed to one of several doorways on the side of the building. The other technicians readied their rifles, and the leader moved up the steps and turned the handle.

They entered through the door firing their weapons, and soon returned, pushing a ragged, thin man with a goatee in front of them. The man was hysterical and was pulling his hair and attempting to return to the door. The technicians restrained him, and half-carried him away as he struggled and cried.

"They took it! They took it and I needs it back!"

"What did they take, sir?" Asked the lead technician.

"MY PRECIOUSSSS!"

 

[Dleg]

The armed technician squad manhandled the maniacal thin man down the corridor, past where DK was hiding. So, he thought, TMack is off the sauce again. That can't be good. But he said 'they' took his flask... maybe these 'they' people are worth talking to.

DK re-entered the corridor and made his way to where the rescue had just taken place. He inserted the camera probe and saw what appeared to be the inside of a cafeteria. Several tabeles were turned on their side near the far door, and a handful of stormtrooper-suited women stood guard from there.

He removed a tool from his belt and deftly picked the lock, and stepped through the door.

He was immediately hit with three taser darts, which buzzed harmlessly on his non-conductive batsuit. "It's Darth HVAC!" shouted one of the troopers, and suddenly thirty more troopers appeared through the double doors and began firing toward the Dark Knight.

 

[Dleg]

"Cease fire!" called one of the troopers. "It's not him! It's Bat Man!"

"The Dark Knight!" corrected DK.

"Don't move any closer! Who's side are you on?" challenged the trooper.

"Not Darth HVAC's." replied DK.

"Uh, are you union friendly?"

"What?"

"We're on strike, and we're not letting anyone through the picket lines!"

"I'm here to stop Darth HVAC and disarm the Mark 69!"

The helmetless stormtrooper picked up a communicator and called her supervisor. "Wait right there!" Thirty taser rifles were still aimed at the Dark Knight.

A moment later, a shorter stormtrooper entered the room and addressed DK. "You're here to disarm the Mark 69?"

"That's the plan."

"Well follow me, then. I'm Seaman klk, from the Chucktown."

 

[Dleg]

The technician squad dragged the babbling TMack through the door the sphere room, and escorted him to the center of the room where Darth HVAC and the Emperor were standing.

"Oh how typical" croaked the Emperor. "If I didn't need these two, I would have cut them loose twelve universes ago."

"they tooks it and now I don't haves it anymore. My preciousssss!" TMack writhed on the floor.

The Emperor walked up to him and nudged him with his shoe. "You want your precious booze back, Timak the Self Righteous?? Get in the sphere and go get it!"

"my precious! its in there?" TMack/Timak looked up at him eagerly.

"Yes! It's in there! Goredalff has it!" The Emperor replied, as the six imperial guards lifted Timak into the second sphere. "Mwuahahahahaha!"

Darth HVAC joined in the evil cackling. "MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

 

[Dleg]

"I beg your pardon, Master, but..."

"What is it, my apprentice?" croaked the Emperor, irritated by the interruption to his enjoyable cackling.

"How are we to carry out our plans in Middle West now? skuhhh-huhhhhh Timak is off the sauce and Ripperson has been torn to pieces. Our plan required them to-"

"Our plan requires only their presence!' snapped the Emperor. "Besides, we could use them in there, to keep Goredalff and his garage band of monikers merrily occupied, while we wipe his presence out forever!"

"skuhh-huhhhh So, the Mark 69 is the extent of our plan? What if the stormtroopers break through and somehow disarm it?"

"Together we can handle Goredalff ourselves, my apprentice! Never underestimate the power of the Dork Side! Mwuahahahahaha!"

"MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

 

[Dleg]

MA_PE, Big Ray, Slugger, FLBuff, and snickerd had finally made it through the long admission lines and had taken their seats inside the former Kennedy Center, which was now the Sarah Palin-CocaCola Roller Derby Arena. Huge crowds had turned out for the gala, gladiator-zombie roller derby event - slash - welcoming ceremony for Governor Carlito. The only seats that were available by the time they made it through the que (it was no longer referred to as a "line") were in the very top row - the so-called nosebleed seats.

But this was all the better for them, as their main purpose was to find a way to access the giant disco ball which was suspended from the giant television monitors and Cocacola billboard mounted at the center of the ceiling, above the roller derby rink.

MA examined the structures above them as the crowd filtered in. There were six access catwalks radiating from the monitor structure, with numerous spotlights and disco lights attached. The catwalks were apparently accessed from a service hallway just above the top outer spectator hall. They would have to find a door to enter, later when things got noisier.

"I wish Dleg and Supe and frazil were still here." Snickerd said, sadly.

"I'm pretty sure they would have wanted us to go on with the mission." replied FLBuff. "You want some shepherd's pie and tea?"

"Fudge that shepherd's pie and tea crap!" cursed Big Ray. "I need a beer! I can't believe these ******** don't drink beer!"

"All part of the New Order." Slugger pulled a brochure from his pocket. "Says so right here in the program. Alcoholic beverages are now illegal."

 

[Dleg]

A trumpet fanfare sounded from the center of the arena. A short, pasty man with freckles and greasy hair, wearing a corduroy sports coat with elbow patches, walked to edge of the Governor's box, waving to all those around him. The voice of a British sports announcer came on the PA.

"Good Evening New London! Please give a warm welcome to the new Governor of the Virginia Colony, Carlito UK!"

The crowd erupted in applause and cheering. The announcer continued.

"And as a special welcoming ceremony, we bring you our fabulous, flaming zombie roller derby tribute!" A group of twelve zombies on roller skates emerged from a side opening and began skating around the rink in perfect precision.

"braiiiiinsssss!" They moaned.

A British soldier wearing a flamethrower stepped out from another opening on the opposite side of the rink, and shot a stream of fire across the formation as it skated past, setting the zombies alight. They continued skating in perfect formation for another half lap or so, before falling out of formation and dying, one by one. The crowd erupted in laughter and applause.

"Give it up for the fabulous flaming zombies!"

"Those barbarians!" fumed FLBuff.

"Wha? They're just zombies!" replied Big Ray.

"They were American zombies!" replied Slugger, horrified.

 

[Dleg]

"And now, ladies and gentlemen, our next event! Bring out the prisoners!"

Drums played and the crowd roared as frazil and Supe were rolled to the rink and uncuffed by escorts, who quickly returned.

"Secretary of State frazil, and National Sexual Exploits Reporting Board Chairman Supe!" They skated slowly around the rink, looking very disoriented. The crowd booed and threw rotten cabbages and tomatoes at them.

"Oh my God!" snickerd raised her hands to her mouth. "We should do something!"

The drums began again and the announcer returned. "And their opponents! Former Secretary of State, Zombie Hillary Clinton!" Hillary entered the rink, decaying and moaning "braaaiiiinnnnnsss!"

"And hot on Hillary's heels, Zombie John Lovitz!"

A second announcer now joined in "He's a vicious one, too, look at him go!" Zombie John Lovitz skated furiously into the rink, snorting and blowing like a wild boar. The crowd went wild.

"Aren't they going to give them any weapons?" Asked Slugger. Four British soldiers with flamethrowers were stationed on platforms covering a quarter of the rink each, but frazil and Supe skated unarmed.

 

[Dleg]

Frazil and Supe skated cautiously around the backside of the rink, as the zombies gained on them from the other side. Zombie John Lovitz was much faster, and came around the bend into view of the two cabinet members first. Supe positioned himself for defense, while Frazil crouched behind him, rolling slowly forward.

The crowd cheered zombie John Lovitz on, as he accelerated furiously toward the two, snorthing and blowing, attempting a full body slam. Supe managed to spin and deflect most of the energy of the collision, grabbing hold of zombie John Lovitz's collar, and ripping his decaying shirt partially away.

"Oh my! I didn't know John Lovitz had breasts!" Said the first announcer.

The second announcer corrected him. "I don't think that's Zombie John Lovitz out there! Wait, we have word coming into the announcer's booth.... That is actually Zombie Supreme Court Justice Elena Kagan!"

"Whooopsie daisy!"

The crowd laughed and cheered as zombie Elena Kagan skated away, and zombie Hillary Clinton began her attack.

 

[Dleg]

"braaaiiiinnnssssss" Zombie Hillary Clinton moaned and skated slowly toward Supe and Frazil.

"It looks like frazil is about to be schooled by - oh my, zombie Hillary Clinton has detached her own arm, and is swinging it over her head like a mace! This could get ugly!" The crowd roared wildly.

Frazil suddenly took the initiative and powered toward zombie Hillary Clinton, who swung viciously with the rotting limb, but missed. Instead, frazil caught it by the shoulder ball and pulled it free. The crowd reacted wildly.

"Oohhhhh! frazil has beaten her predecessor at her own game!"

"Who has the upper hand, now?" chimed in the second announcer.

 

[Dleg]

frazil was now separated from Supe, and zombie Elena Kagan saw her opportunity. She slingshot around the curve and came at Supe full-bore, ferociously body-checking him into the wall. The crowd reacted predictably: "ohhhhhh!"

"Ohhhhhhh! Now that's judicial activism!"

"No kidding! There'll be no appeal from that decision!"

Supe was down. But zombie Kagan's attack style was rather single-minded, as with most zombies, and she continued on around the rink, building speed for her next attack.

Frazil, meanwhile, had taken the fight to zombie Hillary Clinton, and was beating her vigorously about the head and shoulders with her own, rotting arm.

"Wow! I'd say diplomacy had failed!"

"Yes it certainly appears so! But I always thought the yanks needed an act of congress to attack like that!"

 

[Dleg]

The crowd was in an uproar.

Though frazil clearly had the 'upper hand', she simply didn't have the strength to strike zombie Hillary Clinton with anything approaching the level of force that might sway the undead. Eventually, zombie Hillary overcame the brief confusion caused by the pummeling, and simply reached out and punched frazil in the face, sending her down onto the hard rink surface.

"Well, well! Negotiations have resumed!"

"Indeed! Maybe it's that blue dress that Secretary frazil is wearing!"

frazil tried to back away from the slowly approaching and enraged zombie Clinton, but was unable to get back on her feet. Nevertheless, she was able to crab along faster than Hillary, and soon closed the gap with the prone Supe.

"Supe! Supe wake up!" She slapped him around, and Supe came to.

"What is it, honey? You know I like the rough stuff, but don't you think you could have showered first?"

"Supe! You've got to wake up! Zombie Kagan's coming around again!" But Supe couldn't rise from his fog.

 

[Dleg]

The crowd was on their feet now, screaming and chanting "kill! kill! kill!"

Zombie Supreme Court Justice Kagan was barreling toward them from one direction, and zombie Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was lurching toward them from the other.

"brrraaaaiiiiinnnnsssss!"

"Oh come on Supe! I need your help! They're gonna kill us!" Frazil slapped the NSERB Chairman frantically, but Supe had fallen unconscious again.

Frazil covered her head with her arms and waited for the crash. But nothing happened. The crowd suddenly went silent, and then, in unison, broke out in a massive "Ewwwwwwww!"

Frazil looked up and was startled to see zombie Kagan and zombie Clinton in a tight embrace, passionately fondling and kissing each other. "Ewwww!" frazil rapidly moved away, pulling Supe with her.

The announcers were at a loss for words. "This.... this... Well, I've simply never seen anything like this!"

"I'm not even sure there's a protocol for something like this!"

The crowd had begun booing.

"There! Governor Carlito is giving the thumbs-down symbol!"

The two zombies were instantly immolated in a jet of flame from the nearest flamethrower. The crowd roared in approval.