This Story Sucks

[Dleg]

MA_PE had taken the opportunity to lead everyone from their seats and up onto the nearest service catwalk during the battle. They had made their way unnoticed to the center of the arena, and found themselves above the large rectangular, hollow monitor console, below which hung Gore's giant disco ball. A ladder led down inside the monitor system, and the disco ball was visible through an access hatch at the bottom. They had made it!

Snickerd stopped MA before he could descend the ladder. "We need to do something! We can't just leave frazil and Supe down there!"

"Well how are we supposed to get them up here?"

Admiral Elcid pointed below them. "Look! They're leading them to a holding pen in the center of the arena! Right below us!"

"Yeah, but that's at least fifty feet down from the ball! We can't get them up here, there's simply no way!" Big Ray replied, impatiently.

Outside, the crowd had calmed a bit, and the announcers came back on the PA. "And now, for the headline event of the evening, please welcome the President and Vice President of the United States of America!"

The crowd booed loudly. Snickerd looked at MA. "We can't leave now!"

 

[Dleg]

"And facing off against Dleg and Roadguy, the meanest, nastiest, most vicious zombie of them all... Zombie President Sarah Palin!"

The crowd roared and cheered wildly, drums played, and pyrotechnics were lit. Snickerd climbed down into the monitor space and peered out an opening. Zombie Sarah Palin skated swiftly and purposefully, skating side to side like a shark, and screaming "BRAAAIIIIIINNNNSSSSS!"

"What's nastier than a pitbull with lipstick?" Asked the first announcer.

"A zombie pitbull with lipstick?"

"Correct!"

Dleg and Roadguy had been let out of separate cells, and had not seen one another until just now.

"What the fudge happened while I was on vacation??" Asked Roadguy, bewildered by the situation he found himself in.

"Long story!" Dleg began skating away from the direction Palin was moving, as he watched her across the center of the arena.

 

[Dleg]

Roadguy skated fast and caught up to him. "What's this I hear about secret UN bases throughout the US being used as a launching pad for this invasion?"

"They were here for exercizes! And I was going to tell you about that!"

The crowd was throwing things at them as they skated, and calling to them to turn around and fight.

"Why is Sarah Palin chasing us?" Roadguy looked across the arena to where zombie Palin was skating in her zig-zag.

"BRAAAIIIIINNNNSSSS!"

"Jesus! She's not looking so good!"

"Oh, you just noticed?" Dleg replied, sarcastically.

"Well, I always thought she was kind of hot."

 

[Dleg]

"You're nuts!" Dleg skated faster, trying to match zombie Palin's increasing speed. "We need a plan of attack. Look at her! I thought she was terrible in real life. This! This just isn't fair!"

"We could teabag her!" Suggested Roadguy.

"Teabag? While that would certainly be poetic justice, I ain't putting my balls anywhere near that mouth."

"Good point! But that wasn't what I meant. Maybe sandbag was the word I was looking for."

"So what's your plan!?"

"You lure her away, and I take her from behind!"

 

[Dleg]

Roadguy started skating quickly away, and Dleg slowed, allowing zombie Palin to gain on him. She continued to weave in her shark-attack style, apparently not being able to see very well.

"BRRRAAAAAAAIIIINNNNNNSSSSSSS!"

Dleg kept one eye on Roadguy, and one on zombie Palin, trying to time her arrival with Roadguy's attack. The crowd was growing impatient, and beginning to boo. The guards on the side began shooting brief spurts of flame into the air from their flamethrowers, in an attempt to spur the action on. Dleg decided to turn and face her. Roadguy would catch up soon enough.

"Eyyyyuuck!" Dleg was repulsed by zombie Pailn's half-decayed face. She had seen him, and suddeny accelerated for the attack.

 

[Dleg]

Dleg attempted to deflect her attack, but was only partially successful, being spun to the ground to her side. She flailed at him wildly, screaming like a banshee. "BRRRAAAAAIIIIIINNNNSSSSSSS"

"Get her off of me!"

Roadguy had arrived by then, and lept into the air, intending to come down on zombie Palin's back with his skates, but she reacted with blazing speed, grabbing his skates and sending him to the floor.

The crowd roared.

 

[Dleg]

Roadguy's fall had enabled Dleg to escape, and zombie Palin was hot on his tail. He skated away from her as fast as he could, but she was locked on target.

"Zombie Palin's got Dleg on the run!" shouted the first announcer.

"Yes she does!! But look! She's stopping to accept something from a fan! What is that?"

"If I'm not mistaken, that's the original Constitution of the United States of America!"

"No! It couldn't be!"

"I think it is! Governor Carlito was the one who gave it to her!"

Zombie Palin rolled the Constitution tightly and accelerated to catch up to Dleg.

"She always accused Dleg of wiping his bum with it, now she's going to be kicking his bum with it!"

 

[Dleg]

Days of dehydration and eating nothing but rats had taken their toll on President Dleg, and he began to slow, out of breath. Zombie Palin caught up to him and began beating him mercilessly with the Constitution.

"I need some help here, RG!" Dleg shouted as he passed Roadguy, who still had not completely recovered from his fall.

Dleg made it another lap with zombie Palin beating him about the head and shoulders. As he passed the Governor's stand, a box of books was tossed to him.

"What's that? Has Governor Carlito given Dleg a weapon to defend himself with?"

"I believe that's a copy of the federalist papers!"

Dleg looked through the box, attempting to find a paper that he could combine with a witty statement to combat Palin's ruthless and ignorant use of the Constitution as a blunt weapon, but the stress was just too much. "Fudge it!" he shouted, and threw the entire box at her.

It merely bounced off her decaying head and just seemed to make her angrier.

 

[Dleg]

"I need something better than that!" Shouted Dleg as he passed Roadguy again. This time, RG caught up to him.

"Like what?"

Dleg saw a rolled parchment being thrust from an anonymous hand in the crowd. "Like that!"

"Oh my!" the announcer called. "Someone has given Dleg the Bill of Rights!"

Dleg rollled the Bill of Rights tightly and turned to Roadguy. "OK it's your turn. I'm gonna peel back, and as soon as I do, you go down on all fours right in front of her!"

"I don't like that!"

"Tough ****!" Dleg suddenly pivoted and skated back, taking zombie Palin by surprise. RG went down on all fours as planned, sending zombie Palin to the floor. Dleg was right behind her.

"Would you look at that! Dleg took that Bill of Rights, and shoved it Right up zombie Palin's ***!"

The crowd gasped. Dleg turned and stopped. Zombie Palin stood, and looked down at the rolled parchment sticking out of her abdomen. "BRRAAAIIINNNNSS???" she screamed, in almost a question, and then burst into a cloud of sparks and ash.

"Wow! Who would have expected that!"

 

[Dleg]

"I certainly wouldn't have! I haven't seen anything like that since Tony Blair choked to death on the Magna Carta!"

"Or the time Prince Charles collapsed into a black hole under the weight of his own pomposity!"

"But Sarah Palin! A true champion of Liberty!"

"Absolutely! And not only Liberty, but that Liberty that is most important to society, the Liberty to restrict Liberties!"

"Indeed! Our New World Leader will not be pleased with this news!"

"No indeed! The rumors have it, as you know, that He invaded America solely to win the hand of Sarah Palin!"

"But did He even know she had become a zombie?"

"I don't know, but from what I understand, if anything, it only improved her personality!"

The two announcers continued their banter while Dleg and Roadguy were led slowly to the holding pen at the center of the arena, under the big disco ball, and the crowd began its orderly departure.

 

[Dleg]

Suddenly the crowd stopped leaving and started cheering again. The giant disco ball at the center of the arena was descending, and the disco lights pulsed to a throbbing beat.

"What's this?"

"Perhaps this is some sort of finale! A light show spectacular!"

Dleg, Roadguy, frazil, and Supe looked up in alarm, at first.

Admiral Elcid had found the control panel which operated the winches used to maintain or replace the various components of the center monitor console, and with Secretary of Agriculture Slugger's help, had rigged it to lower the disco ball. Snickerd, MA_PE, and Big Ray had already entered the sphere from the top.

 

[Dleg]

"This doesn't seem right! This wasn't in the program! This is the time for orderly exit of the Arena!" The first announcer was becoming indignant.

"Look! Governor Carlito has returned to the stand! And... Yes he is! He is giving the thumbs-down signal!"

The four flamethrower soldiers opened the gates on their platforms and descended to the roller derby rink.

The disco ball was still 20 feet above them. Frazil saw the approaching flamethrowers. "We need to get in there now! They're going to torch us!"

A head suddenly emerged from a hole in the bottom of the disco ball.

"Snickerd! Why are your cheeks puffed out like that!" Dleg shouted up to the office assistant.

"Nevermind that!" Snickerd released her breath. "You need to get your clothes off, now!"

"I hardly think we have time for that right now, Snickerd! They're going to torch us!"

"No you *****! You can't enter the sphere with clothes on, or any foreign object at all!"

Dleg looked at Roadguy, Roadguy looked at Supe, and Supe raised his eyebrows at frazil. :eyebrows: "I don't know. In front of all these people?"

Just then a jet of flaming napalm shot toward them, falling short and igniting the plastic chairs they had been seated in.

"Nevermind already!" shouted Snickerd, and she disappeared inside the ball, which was still at least 15 feet above the floor.

 

[Dleg]

"What the fudge!" Dleg shouted, casting a glance at the approaching flamethrowers, and then back up at the lowering disco ball, which was now about 12 feet above the floor. Still too high to reach!

Snickerd reappeared again, this time with a thick, pink rope. "Quckly! Grab onto this and we'll get you up here! All of you!"

Dleg took hold of the rope. "Oh God! What the hell is this!"

"Don't ask! Hurry now! Everyone!"

The flamethrower troops stopped at about 30 meters in all four directions and took aim. "Fire!" one of them called, and they unleashed their streams.

 

[Dleg]

Dleg, frazil, Roadguy, and Supe were yanked upward into the disco ball, naked, just ahead of the flames. The ball began to rise.

"What are they doing? That disco ball can't possibly protect them!"

"Not unless it's some sort of portal to another world!"

"Good one! Ha ha ha ha!"

The flamethrower troops advanced, coating the outside of the disco ball in flaming napalm. Dozens of other British soldiers began forcing their way through the now cheering crowd, unslinging their assault rifles as they made their way toward the arena floor.

Elcid quickly removed his stolen civilian clothing and said to Slugger, "This is it! we have to jump for it!" The top opening of the ball was still about 20 feet below them. Elcid lined himself up and let himself drop, passing through the flame and black smoke into the opening. Slugger hesitated. The flamethrowers suddenly stopped, having spent all their fuel, but the approaching soldiers had opened fire now, peppering the disco ball with bullets, sending shattered mirror fragments in all directions.

"What's that there? It looks like some naked guy attempting to jump on top of the disco ball!"

"Insanity! No wonder their country collapsed!"

Slugger jumped and fell into the disco ball, and the disco ball crashed to the floor, shattering into several large pieces. New flamethrower troops had advanced from the rear, and incinerated what was left of the bodies inside, as the British soldiers continued to unload their guns into the pile of flaming wreckage.

 

[Dleg]

Dleg fell to the cold stone floor, fully clothed in tights and a Robin-Hood like tunic. He got to his knees and looked at the thing in his hands. "Ahhhhh!" he screamed. "What the hell is that!?"

The pink 'rope" rapidly contracted and bounced into a fully erect, one-eyed bald man. "It is I! PE-ness! Sword fighting master of Middle West!"

"AHHHHHHH!!!!!" Dleg screamed like a girl.

 

[Dleg]

Dleg looked around him. He was in what appeared to be a large stone hall, with a blazing fireplace at one end, and dozens of knights and strange creatures, all dropping to their knees with looks of awe in their faces.

"The King has returned!"

"All hail the return of the King!"

Dleg gestured to himself. "Me? Well, I don't know about that." He walked forward, muttering in false modesty. "I'm more of an elected official, really, a figurehead..." But he quickly realized they were not bowing in his direction.

"King Roadguy has returned!"

 

[Dleg]

Dleg looked behind him. Sure enough, there stood vice President Roadguy, dressed in a royal robe and crown. Admiral Elcid, Slugger, FLBuff, and Snickerd were dressed in various medieval clothing items identifying them as members of the royal court.

MA_PE and Big Ray had been converted to Hobbits, and were looking at hairy feet and hands. "What the fudge!"

"Hey guys!" VTEnviro ran up to them carrying two huge tankards of ale. "You're just in time for free pints!" Big Ray and MA_PE took their ales and commented no further on their hobbitness.

King Roadguy sighed. "So I guess I'm stuck in here now?"

Goredalff stepped forward and took his hand. "LOL! Yes! Your other bodies were incinerated. You can never go back now!"

 

[Dleg]

"Hey! Where's Supe and frazil!" Dleg asked.

Goredalff turned to him. "LOL! I hear them coming now!"

Dleg listened and heard the sound of hooves clacking in the main hall outside. The doors to the room swung open and frazil stepped into the room, wearing riding pants and carrying a huge bow, with a quiver of arrows on her back. She held the end of a long rope.

"Ut oh." Dleg said as the centaur entered the room.

Supe looked around. "Hey guys, what's the matter? Why are you looking at me like that?"

 

[Dleg]

Supe looked down at himself. "What the... Hey! Oh Nooooooooo!"

"LOL! Sorry about that, Supe! You were the last into the sphere, and your legs were pretty badly burned. I probably could have saved them, but when you get right down to it, I'm pretty lazy. LOL!" Goredalff laughed. "I think it must be all the pipeweed I smoke."

"You! You! You *******! How am I ever going to get a woman again! You've destroyed me!"

Goredalff puffed on his pipe and raised an eyebrow, gesturing underneath Supe. "Have you checked between your legs yet?"

"What? No! Why - " Supe bent his torso downward and peered underneath his belly. "Holy ****! I'm hung like a Horse!"

(p. 157)

 

[Dleg]

The residents of the castle adjourned to the dining hall for a celebratory welcoming dinner. Extra chairs were placed around the kiddie table for MA_PE and Big Ray, who joined VTEnviro, JR, cement, and Testee in the ale drinking.

"Feasting is pretty big here. We feast in the morning, at lunch, and then from dinner all they way past midnight, every day!" VT explained.

"Fudge me! This is some good beer!" Big Ray slammed down another tankard.

"Careful there, Ray! You weigh maybe one third of what you weighed as a human. You keep drinking like that, you're likely to black out, and find that your memory of recent events has been deleted!"

"Deleted? What the fudge! Why you talkin like computers and ****! And when did you grow a ZZ Top beard?"

VTEnviro fingered the long beard. "Yeah, well, that's what I'm talking about. Weird **** happens around here with the flow of time. Last night, for example, something like 6 months just flew by in the blink of an eye!"

cement joined in. "Yeah, and see that skinny dude over there, leaning on the dragon, smoking pipeweed? He can make that **** happen, and on top of that, he can also delete chunks of time." cement twitched. "He did that to me during this big battle we had a while back, and caused me to be..." cement trailed off, twitching, and drank from his tankard again.

'Whatsa matter with him?" asked MA_PE. "Too much a this Middle West beer?"

"No, cement doesn't touch the stuff. He had a rough time the other day, being used as troll bait. But Goredalff said last night's time rush wasn't caused by sschell."

"You mean the guy with the dragon?"

"Yeah, that's sschell. Goredalff said that something else is fudging with our time now."

The newly arrived hobbits drank their ales and listened as VT tried to explain how middle West worked, and the dangers that were in store.