This Story Sucks

[Dleg]

"General Highway?" Worley turned to face the couch where the General was seated. "Take Wolverine and DK down to the Nimitz to see it. Call Freon and make sure it's ready to go."

General Highway stood and walked toward the bar, where six polished brass and ivory phones were mounted, one connected to each of the six nuclear aircraft carriers that had been used to float the Clinton's treadmill runway. He lifted the receiver of the phone labeled 'Nimitz' and dialed zero on the rotary dial.

 

[Dleg]

Map of Sub Pen Attached. As of 10k Page 121.

(in case it's not clear - it's all underground, built into the bedrock of the island.)

 

[Dleg]

President Dleg, his cabinet members, Big Ray, and MA_PE had been walking the streets of Washington for hours, attempting to make their way to what was once the Kennedy Center. The crowds of British and other European settlers they were trying to blend in with were too well controlled for them to just make a break without being noticed by the soldiers, who stood watch on almost every corner.

They were currently stuck in a large crowd of new settlers walking up 14th street past the National Museum of American History, which had already had its sign removed and replaced with a sign that identified it as the UN Centre for New England Cultural Preservation.

"Those barbarians!" Dleg could no longer contain himself. He stopped in the street, the crowds passing around him.

"Sir!" Secretary of State Frazil whispered. "We need to keep moving! We can't let them catch on to who we might be!"

 

[Dleg]

Contrary to the experiences of MA_PE and Big Ray, the cabinet had discovered that the occupying troops were indeed looking for survivors, specifically, Dleg and any surviving members of his cabinet.

Dleg settled down and they rejoined the crowds, headed across Constitution Avenue. As they passed, they saw a road crew removing the street sign, and replacing it with a new sign and security camera combination. The new street name was "Bog Roll Avenue"

"God DAMN them!" Dleg fumed.

 

[Dleg]

They made it across the street and began walking past the National Aquarium. Frazil sniffed the air. "That... that smells delicious! What is it?"

As they got closer, the saw dozens of food carts on the sidewalk, with vendors shouting "Fish and Chips!"

"That does it! No more!" Dleg ran forward, away from the cabinet members, and began knocking over fish and chip carts, punching vendors in the face, and screaming obscenities. "Get the fudge out of my country, you murderous Limeys!"

 

[Dleg]

Two Bobbies ran quickly to the scene of the commotion, and knocked Dleg to the pavement in a matter of seconds. A third Bobbie arrived on their heels, and retrieved Dleg's wallet as the other two cuffed the struggling President.

"Well well! What do we have here? The President of the United States!"

A squad of armed soldiers had arrived by then.

 

[Dleg]

Dleg's cabinet members had been left behind in the crowd, and struggled to move forward to see what was happening. National Sexual Exploits Reporting Board Chairman Supe elbowed his way forward as politely as he could, but was still several meters back from where he would be able to see anything.

He saw an opening to his right, and moved for it. It led him to the street, which was largely empty, but as soon as he stepped onto the pavement, a high-pitched horn sounded and a British paddy wagon rushed past him.

"Hey! Drive on the right side of the road next time, you *****!" Supe yelled after the driver.

"There's another one! Get him!" Supe was knocked to the ground and handcuffed almost immediately.

 

[Dleg]

Dleg and Supe were loaded into the paddy wagon and hauled off. Many more soldiers and police had arrived and were directing pedestrian traffic around the scene of the commotion.

Secretary of State Frazil tried to blend with the crowd, walking past a group of three soldiers who were waving everyone around an overturned fish and chips cart. One of the soldiers looked her up and down and whistled. Frazil turned and smiled politely, revealing a perfect set of pearly white teeth.

"I've got another one over here!" The three soldiers seized her and led her to an armored personnel carrier.

 

[Dleg]

MA_PE, Big Ray, Snickerd, csb, Slugger, and FLBuff were all that were left. Wisely, they kept their heads down and moved along with the crowd, avoiding eye contact with soldiers and policemen, as the crowd continued on toward the White House again, which despite being burned out, had been re-painted and looked, from the outside, to be intact. Work crews busily coming in and out revealed that work was still being done, and truckloads of furniture and even clothes being carried inside indicated that someone was moving in.

The crowd began to disperse, with some returning back toward the mall, and others moving elsewhere, or pausing to take pictures. The group of survivors saw no nearby soldiers or police, so they decided to stop and discuss what to do, at an unoccupied park bench some distance beyond the White House, near St. John's newly re-named Anglican Church.

 

[Dleg]

Snickerd sat heavily on the bench and, hanging her head in her hands, said "I wish Vice President Road Guy was here!"

Slugger sighed. "He was scuba diving down in the Keys. I suppose he might have survived the rage attack, but the zombies? And the invasion forces?" He shook his head.

"So what are we gonna do, sit around and feel sorry for those guys? Fudge that! Let's get to the Kennedy Center and find that disco ball! I need beer already!" Big Ray gestured into the distance beyond the Cathedral.

"Yeah? Well what do you think is going to happen to us if we just walk right up there? You've seen these guys in action. Take one step away from the crowd, or talk in your Joisey accent, and you'll get arrested." Said FLBuff.

MA_PE stared at the nearby cathedral and smiled. "Look at that!"

 

[Dleg]

"Yeah, I see that *******. Fudge Him!" Big Ray spat. A giant banner had been hung from the front of St. John's Cathedral. Huge lettering across the top proclaimed "TONIGHT ONLY! ZOMBIE GLADIATOR ROLLER DERBY!" And, in smaller type just below an image of a pasty, freckled man with bad teeth and greasy hair, "Official Welcoming Ceremony for the New Governor of the Virgina Colony, CarlitoUK"

MA_PE continued. "Keep reading."

Everyone squinted. Below the larger text was a smaller line that read "8:00 p.m. at the Sarah Palin CocaCola Center."

"That's how we get in!"

 

[Dleg]

Cutiepie and the Thin Man had been waiting inside a conference room in the sub pen for over an hour. The Thin Man had almost finished the liquid in his flask, and Cutiepie had not stopped talking the entire time.

"i dont no why people say its imorrel to have sex with animles probabley because they never tried lol. theres nothing wrong with it as long as you make sure the animle enjoys it to. heres what i carry with me to make the walrus enjoy it" he pulled out a dart pistol and held up a large tranquilizer dart "at the very leest they dont feel any pain and they wake up they dont no what happend. it all works out fine ive been dooing it for years and nothing bad has ever happend." he rubbed at a sore on the corner of his mouth. "well there was that one time in fairbanks when they foud that walrus baby with the human hedd but i think the guy who found it got famous and had it stuffed and got it into a circus and made fatty cash from it so i dont see what the problem is. i can take you up there with me next time if you -"

The door opened and Darth HVAC entered the room, followed by red-suited stormtroopers carrying spears and wearing capes. The red guards lined up inside the entrance and held their spears at attention, as a dark, hooded figure entered the room behind them.

 

[Dleg]

The old man spoke in a deep, croaking voice. "Shut Up, Ripperson!" He made his way around the other side of the conference table, another Death Star imitation, and seated himself next to Darth HVAC.

"Welcome to Phase II, gentlemen. Do as you're told, and you will be rewarded." A sick smile spread across his ancient face.

 

[Dleg]

Wilheld sat with his hands still bound behind him, inside a makeshift prison cell fabricated from galvanized water pipe, inside one of the several concrete warehouses fronting the berthing area. Candy sat, similarly bound, in the next cell. Someone else was in another cell beyond Candy, lying on the floor in a heap, under what looked like a walrus skin.

"That was so brave of you, Wil! You're so romantic!" Candy beamed.

"Well, you know...."

They were cut short by the arrival of the stormtrooper commander with six escorting troopers. "TK 439!" She barked, in the oddly male sounding, amplified voice from the helmet. "You stand accused of treason, and have been sentenced to death! Your sentence shall be carried out as soon as I can get the executioner in here!" The commander turned and left, with her full escort.

 

[Dleg]

"Oh! Oh! Oh my God!" Wilheld broke down in tears.

"Don't cry, Willy! We'll always have those ... two minutes!"

A stormtrooper wearing a black cape and carrying a large fire axe walked briskly up to the cell door.

"No! Not yet! That's too fast! I haven't had a chance ot even say goodbye!"

The trooper raised the axe and swung downward with tremendous force, knocking the lock off the door. The caped stormtrooper removed her helmet, revealing a rich mane of blonde hair and a face that belonged on the cover of Vogue. "Come on, Candy! We're holding a union meeting in Warehouse 5! We need you in there!"

 

[Dleg]

Wilheld regained his composure immediately. "Wait, what? A union? Aw, no, Candy, you can't ..."

"What's wrong, sweetheart? You know they treat us like crap here! They were going to kill me!"

"Well, I know, but, a union? You know I'm the Captain of an anarcho-capitalist sub!"

"Yes, and I've seen how you bargain with your crew for everything. It seems to me that a union would fit right in with the anarcho-capitalist philosphy. After all, there's no rules, right?"

"Well, I'm just personally against unions simply because of what they have become. The anarchist side of me would be against the formation of coalitions to represent the good of the whole, since anarchy depends on personal responsibility to a great degree. The capitalist side of me would be against unions because they affect the price of goods artificially, you know, they cause a shift in the supply and demand curves instead of just a move along the curves because they cause the price of manufacturing goods to increase without a change in demand. And Adam Smith - "

Candy leaned through the bars of his cell and kissed him passionately on the lips, then turned and walked away with the caped stormtrooper

"Uh, OK, have a nice time at your union meeting! Sweetheart!"

 

[Dleg]

"Oh my, she's certainly a pretty one." The voice of an elderly woman came from the person under the walrus skin, 2 cells over from Wilheld.

"Yeah, she's pretty hot, huh?"

The woman sat up and looked Wilheld's direction. "I suppose you didn't come here to rescue me."

Wilheld was shaken from his post-kiss fog, and looked her way. "I don't think so, but should I have? Who are you?"

"I was once the Queen of England."

(page 138)

 

[Dleg]

klk stood behind a podium made of two taser rifle containers stacked together. Over 500 stormtroopers were seated before her, and more were entering the room every second. As each entered, they were asked to remove their helmets. Without exception, every single one of them was extraordinarily beautiful. But klk was not intimidated. She knocked on the makeshift podium with her white armored fist to get their attention.

"Thank you for coming!" She shouted.

The crowd slowly settled down, as the recent arrivals took their seats or found places to stand along the sides of the concrete warehouse.

"How many of us have been asked to perform degrading sexual acts as part of our job?" Every one in the room raised their hands.

"How many of you enjoyed it?" All of the hands dropped.

"How many of you knew you didn't have to do those things?" No hands went up, but the room grew noisier with the murmurs of increased interest.

"I'm here to tell you that if we all say no, there's nothing they can make us do, that we don't want to!" Even more noise rose from the crowd.

A beautiful Asian woman about halfway toward the back of the room spoke up. "If we say no, Darth HVAC will fire us!"

A hot redhead across the room spoke. "Yeah! He even banishes us if we get pregnant!"

A svelte Indian woman in the front row said "and everyone knows that stormtrooper armor can be molded in any shape, including maternity armor!"

klk banged her fist on the podium again to stop the increasing murmuring. "That ******* can't do any of that if we don't let him! We're going on strike!" She raised her armored fist into the air. "Who's with me!"

The room erupted into an organized roar, as every stormtrooper present pumped their fists and taser rifles in the air. "Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike!"

 

[Dleg]

Ripperson was just approaching the stormtrooper guard outside the warehouse as the chanting started.

"hey sweetcakes you wanna go in that room over there and let me stick it up your pooper?"

The stormtrooper immediately smashed the butt of her taser rifle into his gut sending him to the floor. He managed to dodge the head kick that followed, but quickly saw he was outnumbered, as the striking, helmetless troopers poured out of the warehouse.

"Ahhhhh!" He screamed, and turned and ran for the end of the dock, with the mob hot on his heels. He ducked inside the last warehouse door, and headed for the rear to the service tunnel door, just barely locking it behind him.

"oh hey, this is the tunnel up to the surface this must be my lucky day i can still get some walrus ********!"

 

[Dleg]

Being exceptionally single-minded, Ripperson forgot about the commotion behind him, and began working his way up the long, rock tunnel toward the surface. The tunnel had been blasted from hard rock for some portions, but followed a wide fault for the last section, which was almost a kilometer in length.

As he approached the exit cave, and the cold of the surface hit him with the familiar smell of the walruses, sea lions, and sea birds, he suddenly realized that he did not have his tranquilizer gun with him. Oh well, he thought, Old Nellie ought to be pretty used to him by now, so there shouldn't be any trouble.

He squinted his eyes as he walked out onto the rocky slopes of the island, adjusting to the white light of the blowing snow. He walked down the pathway and saw her, lying placidly on her side, a little ways apart from the rest of the walruses. Old Nellie!