This Story Sucks

[Dleg]

Roadguy spoke again. "I really don't understand this at all... Engineerboards somehow became a castle, and PE-ness and Fudgey and all these other..." he gestured around the dinner table, "are real?"

"Sort of. There's not enough time to really explain it all, and I'm sorry they all think you are their King, but you take what you get, here in Middle West." Goredalff puffed his pipe. Everyone at the table looked eagerly at Roadguy, awaiting some grand statement or revelation.

"And, if I do nothing, we're all going to die in here, and I can't go back because I'm dead back... there?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so." Goredalff puffed.

"Well then, this fudging sucks! How did I get involved in this stupid crap! It's not my fight! I - "

"It actually is your fight. Don't you know who He Who Must Not Be Named really is?"

"No! Why should I give a fudge! I don't care what -"

Goredalff wrote a name on a paper and slid it toward Roadguy, cutting him off mid-sentence.

"Oh! Oh, crap! Him!?" Roadguy held the paper and slumped back into his chair. Goredalff stood and yanked it away from him, crumpling it in a ball, and throwing it in the fire.

 

[Dleg]

"What the hell was EB to him?!" asked Roadguy. "If anything, we only sent more business his way! And how does a guy who publishes - "

Goredalff cut him off. "You were a minor annoyance to him. This is true. That's not why he chose Engineer Boards. He chose EB because of these three." Goredalff wrote three names on a sheet of paper and handed them to Roadguy. "They are his instruments of destruction. He needed you as their motivation." He snatched the paper from Roadguy again and threw it in the fire, where it let out a tiny green mushroom cloud.

"So you mean, I'm responsible!? For all of that? For the destruction of our world?"

"No, just the destruction of America. LOL! But don't blame yourself. Those three are indeed the greatest ******** the universe has ever known, and now that they have joined forces with the greatest ****, well, I suppose you could say that there's one hell of a three-assholed, giant dickstorm coming our way, and soon!"

 

[Dleg]

"Well, what the hell can I do?" asked Roadguy.

"Tomorrow you will ride to the borders of Middle West to raise an army of the dead."

"I'm not doing the zombie thing again. No fudging way!"

"No, not zombies. You will attempt to rally the help of all the long-dead and forgotten members of your Kingdom. And hopefully, you can bring them back here before it's too late."

"How in the hell am I supposed to do that?"

"I'll send PE-ness with you. He can show you the way."

"Don't forget about me!" shouted Testee, from the hobbit table.

 

[Dleg]

Snickered entered with a cup of coffee, setting it down in front of Goredalff. "Thank you, sweety!"

"Goredalff, sir, there's an important phone call for you!"

Goredalff raised his eyebrows, and left the table. Everyone watched as he opened the wooden restroom door at the side of the dining hall, entered, and then stuck his head into the toilet bowl.

"What the fudge?" Big Ray said, wiping the foam from his sixth ale off his upper lip.

Goredalff suddenly raised his dripping head from the toilet bowl. "I've made contact with the SSN Chucktown!"

 

[Dleg]

"I HAVE CONTACTED AL GORE INSIDE THE INTERNET, KLK. WHO'S YOUR FRIEND?"

"Chuck, meet Batman. Batman, Chuck. And what the fudge use is Al Gore to us?" klk responded impatiently, as she waded into the Chucktown's control room. The stormtroopers had done a good job of emplacing additional pumps, but there was so much seawater spilling from the Chucktown's damaged ******, that they still couldn't keep up. But at least Chuck was still dry, klk thought.

"The Dark Knight, actually" DK corrected her.

"HELLO, BATMAN. AL GORE SAYS THAT HE NEEDS YOU TO CONNECT ME TO THE MARK 69. HE BELIEVES HE CAN STOP THE DETONATION."

"Well, that's going to be a problem, Chuck."

"BUT I HAVE THE PROPER ADAPTERS NECESSARY TO CONNECT, KLK, AND I HAVE DOWNLOADED THE NECESSARY TRANSLATORS SO THAT I CAN COMMUNICATE IN RPN."

"It's not that, Chuck. The Mark 69 is locked behind three foot thick, steel blast doors. We can't get in there."

DK interjected. "Actually, I found a back door into the sphere room. I might be able to open the blast doors from the inside, but it is very well guarded, and those guys aren't armed with only tasers, like the stormtroopers were."

"WELL THEN, BATMAN, MAYBE YOU SHOULD GIVE THAT A TRY."

 

[Dleg]

General Highway, Freon, and Wolverine stood back to back, as more and more walrus-coated natives surrounded them from all sides, brandishing spears in the driving snow.

Freon called out to them. "Hello there! What can we do for you gentlemen?!"

One of the natives thrust a spear forward at them, and called back "Who you callin a man!?"

"They're women!" exclaimed General Highway.

"What do you want here! You know you aren't allowed in the village!" challenged the apparent leader of the natives.

General Highway replied. "We mean you no harm! We ... uh... simply crashed in our ... uh... boat!"

"Who cares! You need to get the fudge out of here! The sub pen entrance is that way! Not over here!"

Wolverine spoke next. "Yeah, we know! That's the problem! We can't get over the mountain to get to it!"

The spear-carrier lunged at them again. 'What the fudge are you talking about! The entrance is right behind you!" Suddenly the spear was lowered, and the native removed her hood, revealing a long flowing mane of perfectly maintained, rich walnut-brown hair. "You're not one of them! Come with us!"

The woman raised her hood again and walked away, motioning for them to follow her. The others fell in behind them, spears held at the ready.

 

[Dleg]

They were led to a large walrus skin tent. It was warm inside and filled with pregnant and nursing mothers of all races and ethnicities, with only one common characteristic: they were all stunningly beautiful.

Freon removed his hood and looked around the room. "An entire village of pregnant and breastfeeding supermodels! Ohhhhh yes!"

He was immediately hit hard in the back of his head with the butt of a spear. "Keep your eyes to yourself, *******!"

An angry looking redhead carrying a 6 month old baby approached them. "Who the hell are you and why should I not have you killed?!"

"Excuse us, ma'am, but we were looking for a sub pe-"

General Highway was cut off as the redhead pressed the point of a huge hunting knife to his neck. "I thought so! You all know this village is off-limits to you pigs!" She withdrew the knife. "Take them outside and kill them."

"Hey wait a minute!" Wolverine pulled his arm free. He looked at the redhead carefully and wondered... no, it couldn't be her... "I think we share the same goals. We're here to take those *******s out!"

The redhead turned to look at Wolverine. "Who are you guys, then?"

(p. 158)

 

[Dleg]

Major General SapperPE explained what he could, without divulging too much. The women, it turned out, were ex-stormtroopers who had been banished to the surface for becoming pregnant, or refusing to perform sexual favors. Darth HVAC and the technicians stayed away from them, because they happily killed any man they found.

A large service access tunnel was located just a mile away from the village, near where the boat had landed. HVAC received shipments of supplies through the tunnel about once every three weeks, they were told. The tunnel was large enough to drive two trucks abreast into the sub pens.

They were treated to a hot dinner of walrus soup and blubber. The redhead, who's name was Amber Cream, agreed to send an escort with them to the tunnel entrance, and wished them well.

"Let us know if you kill them all! Then maybe we can move back inside and get out of this snow!"

Wolverine, General Highway, and Freon waved goodbye, and headed off into the darkening storm.

 

[Dleg]

Hammers sounded and sparks flew deep within a sulfurous lava tube in Lindor. Dorc blacksmiths and dorc doctors had worked all through the night and the next day to piece Ripperson the Asinine back together, forging an iron and bronze exoskeleton to support his shattered body. Finally, the metalworking phase was over, and it was time for the dorc doctors to attempt to revive him.

"Raise the platform!" Shouted a dorc wearing a white lab coat and welding goggles, and the sound of heavy chains moving over pulleys rang out. The platform carrying Ripperson's body was raised through the roof of the cavern, onto a bare, ashen slope on the rocky sides of Mount Dumb, under violent clouds of ash and flying lava. A dorc assistant scurried around the end of the gurney, and erected a long, metal rod to attract the lighting.

It did not take long before a bolt of static electricity from the ash cloud found ground through the rod. Sparks shot from Ripperson's new, metal joints. His eyes, mostly hidden behind his new, metal mask, slowly opened.

"He's aliiiiive!" cried the dorc doctor. Ripperson slowly raised himself into the hot wind and let out a blood curdling scream.

[SIZE=36pt]"I ... AM ... IRONMAN!!!!"[/SIZE]

 

[Dleg]

VTEnviro left his ale drinking companions to check on Goredalff, who had wandered out onto the castle grounds to enjoy the evening air. It was a wonderful evening, and the stars were out. Only the occasional flash of lightning on the horizon reminded him that Lindor was awakening.

"Are you OK, Goredalff?"

"Yes, VTEnviro!" Goredalff pulled the evil calculator object from his pocket.

"Hey, is that thing supposed to be out? I thought it was evil!"

"LOL, no - it's not evil in and of itself. It only uses the language of evil. If we use it, He will see us."

"So why are you taking it out?"

"I want to tell you some more about this. Now that we have made contact with the Chucktown in the outside world, it may be possible for us to use this to disarm the Mark 69."

"But Goredalff, I don't know how to use this thing!"

"It's really quite simple. Here." Goredalff set the calculator down on the stone wall, and used a stick to sketch a diagram of its keyboard in the dirt of the pathway. He proceeded to give VTEnviro a rudimentary lesson in RPN.

 

[Dleg]

Goredalff finished and asked VT, "Do you understand?"

"Yeah, I think so. It seems pretty simple. So, the Mark 69 disarming procedure should really be that simple?"

"Yes, just a 1 to confirm disarm, and a zero to cancel. The program will prompt you and tell you that, so there's no need to even remember which one."

The sound of something moving in the brush beyond the pathway was heard by both Goredalff and VT.

"What the heck was that, Goredalff?"

"I don't know.... probably just a hairless beaver, foraging for wood. They're nocturnal, you know. But I think we'd better get inside. It's best not to leave this thing out in the open for too long." Goredalff pocketed the HP in his wizard's robe, and walked back into the Castle.

The rustling returned for a moment, a little closer this time.

 

[Dleg]

[insert correction that was forgotten during earlier chapter: PE-ness speaks with a rich, Spanish accent. Just like Ricardo Montalban!]

VTEnviro returned to the dining hall, where Dleg was holding forth at the main dining table from his endless repertoire of dirty jokes.

"So he says 'girls? Who needs girls?'" Everone at both tables laughed, PE-ness especially.

But then PE-ness cleared his throat and spoke. "What are these, how do you say it, girls you speak of?"

Dleg laughed. "What do you mean?"

PE-ness laughed, and asked again, as innocent as a child, "What are these, girls?"

Dleg laughed again. "Well, PE-ness, frazil over there is a girl. And so is snickerd. What, you don't have girls here in Middle West?"

PE-ness shook his head. "No! I have never seen one of these, girls, as you call them. But when I get close to them, I feel all, how do you say, tingly! And I feel this, growing sensation." frazil quietly moved her chair a little farther away.

"Well, that's just terrible, PE-ness!" Dleg said, with genuine empathy, looking around the table at all the other Knights of Middle West who were, indeed, all male. And all looking at their plates in embarassment. "What the hell kind of world is this? Who decided that there shouldn't be any -"

A girlish scream interrupted Dleg, coming from the Hobbit table. JR was pointing at the window behind them, terrified. "Horrible eyes! Horrible eyes in the window!"

 

[Dleg]

"Oh, nonsense! You've had too much pipeweed! That was just roadwreck!" King Touchdown replied. "Sschell, let the dragon back inside! I think he's learned his lesson!"

But JR wasn't convinced, and Goredalff also suspected something. "Stop! Do not open the doors! Something is out there!"

 

[Dleg]

Chairs were pushed back from the table, and swords were drawn. "What is it, Goredalff?" asked Big P.

"I don't know. But I sense something.... terrible!"

"I'm going outside and finding this thing!" shouted Box of Rocks.

"No! Don't open the doors, you fool!" Goredalff motioned squitchy and Mr. Man forward to latch the door behind him.

Suddenly Box of Rocks screamed. "Ahhhh! Get him off of me!"

 

[Dleg]

"We can't just let him be killed, Goredalff!" Shouted Otter.

"I will save him!" cried PE-ness, lunging for the door. He was followed by all the Knights of Middle West.

The sounds of a brief struggle came through the open door. Goredalff rushed forward to see what was happening, the hobbits close behind. The Knights had wrestled a strange, naked, skinny gray man with a goatee to the ground. The man was writhing and struggling underneath their strong grips.

"They have it! They took it from me and I wants it! They took my precious!"

"Aw, Jesus! Gollum, Goredalff?" VTEnviro looked on in disgust.

"No! McKellom!"

The creature lunged for Goredalff's robe pocket. "MY PRECIOUS!!!"

"He wants the calculator!"

"Yes, it appears that He Who Must Not Be Named has tricked McKellom into thinking this is his booze flask." Goredalff held the HP up, and McKellom struggled even harder.

"Oh well, this is easily enough solved!" Goredalff pulled his own flask of booze out of his other robe pocket, and tossed it to McKellom, who immediately stopped struggling, and sucked on the flask like a baby.

 

[Dleg]

"This - this is the terrible McKeon? One of the three biggest ******** in all universes?" Big Ray asked, incredulously.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. Not much of a challenge, was he?" Said Goredalff. "Don't expect the others to be this easy. Lock him in the dungeon!"

"But Goredalff, I keep my best stuff in the dungeon!" King Touchdown objected.

"Oh, very well, lock him in the tower, then!" McKellom was dragged off by several of the Knights, still sucking on his flask. "Make sure he has plenty of booze, and he won't be any further trouble to us!"

 

[Dleg]

"Hey Goredalff, how did McKellom get in here?" VTEnviro asked.

"I don't know, but I'm guessing he crawled through the sewage channel under the drawbridge and - "

"No, I mean how did he get into Middle West? From the real world?"

Goredalff cast a sharp look at VT, who corrected himself. "I mean, the other world."

"Well, he could only have entered here from a node..." Goredalff turned to VT, suddenly brightening. "Which means, he must have come in from the same place where the others have gathered, which means -"

"He must have direct access to the Mark 69!" They both said, in unison.

 

[Dleg]

"This is awesome! All we have to do is get right next to him, plug our noses, and blow!"

"No, VT! Don't you remember? Puffing out only works if your Earth body is inside the node. Yours is in Colorado, you would just pop out there."

VT looked very disappointed.

"But! If McKellom was to puff out, he could pull you through himself! Just like you did with PE-ness in Colorado, and just like snickerd did with PE-ness in Washington!"

"Yeah, but how in the fudge are we going to get that ******* to do something like that? Can we just close his mouth and nose, and wait for him to exhale?"

"No." Goredalff had lost his enthusiasm. "That would only smother him. You did this yourself, you know how hard you have to blow to puff out."

 

[Dleg]

"Well, we'll keep this in mind. Maybe there's some way we can turn him, to make him help us."

"Or trick him!" suggested VT.

"Or trick him. But I kind of doubt it."

VT and Goredalff returned the dining hall, and the jokes and ale drinking continued long into the night.

 

[Dleg]

Darth HVAC entered the Emperor's throne room.

"Master. It is time. skuhhh-huhhhhh The spheres are ready for us, and the Mark 69 is configured and armed."

"Excellent! Do you remember our plan?"

"Yes, Master. We are to stay inside Lindor until they have left the Castle, and fire the Mark 69 only when they have reached the target area. skuhh-huhhhh"

"Yes! If everything works as planned, we should be back here in time for dinner tomorrow!"

"Master, if I may."

"Go on."

"I have analyzed the stormtrooper's methods of attack, and there may be a weakness. I am not certain the technicians will be able to fend them off. They are quite ferocious. skuhhh-huhhhhhh."

"Nonsense! My plan is flawless! How could it not be? After all, you are a top graduate of a top 3 engineering school, are you not?"

"Why yes, Master, I am."

"So what are you worrying about? Come, help me out of my robe. I would like to walk down to my sphere ... naked."

"skuhhh-huhhhhhh"