Son, this Fitbit was on your Daddy's wrist when he was kicked out of the PE exam in Maryland. He was captured and put in a NCEES prison camp. He knew if the NCEES goons ever saw the Fitbit that it'd be confiscated; taken away. The way your Dad looked at it, this Fitbit was your birthright. He'd be damned if any nerds were gonna put their greasy testmaking hands on his boy's birthright. So he hid it in the one place he knew he could hide something. His ass. Five long years, he wore this Fitbit up his ass. And then he died of dysentery, he gave me the Fitbit. I hid this uncomfortable hunk of plastic up my ass for two years. Then, after seven years, I was sent home to my family. And now, little man, I give the Fitbit to you.