FBI Job interview

[DVINNY]

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an

expensive,expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like

the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the

black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his

best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the

blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but

please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the

next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in

a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him

perfectly.She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.

You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful.

How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician

presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue

suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a

deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly

after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his

wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and

she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just

switched the heads.'

BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!

 

[sehad]

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

So, General, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL:

We're going to teaching them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL:

I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL:

I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL:

Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

 

[sehad]

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said,

'Do you want to have sex?'

'No!' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

'Yes!' she replied.

Then I said,

'I'd like to phone a friend.'

That's the last thing I remember.

 

[sehad]

Physical exam

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as

part of his physical exam.The doctor gave the man a jar and said,

'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and

gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained,

'Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but

nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.Then I

asked my wife for help.

She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She

tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth

out, still nothing.

We even called up Arlene, the lady next door and she tried too, first

with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it

between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, but none of us could get the damn jar open!'

 

[Flyer_PE]

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart yelling obscenities at her two kids all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't! The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe someone would sleep with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

 

[MA_PE]

KIDS IN CHURCH

3-year-old Reese :

'Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little boy was overheard praying:

'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. ?

I'm having a real good time like I am.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the christening of his baby brother in church,

Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.

His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, the boy replied,

'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,

and I wanted to stay with you guys.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One particular four-year-old prayed,

'And forgive us our trash baskets

as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they

were on the way to church service,

'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'

One bright little girl replied,

'Because people are sleeping.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.

The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,

'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,

' Ryan , you be Jesus !'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A father was at the beach with his children

when the four-year-old son ran up to him,

grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore

where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked.

'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said,

'Did God throw him back down?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A wife invited some people to dinner.

At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,

'Would you like to say the blessing?'

'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.

'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said,

'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner

 

[DVINNY]

LOVE the kids jokes ^^^

 

[maryannette]

'Did God throw him back down?'

:lmao:

 

[Guest]

No related from experience ...

How do you know when you are too drunk to drive? When you swerve to miss a tree and then realize that it is the air freshener hanging on the mirror!

:smileyballs:

JR

 

[MA_PE]

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, 'Where in the hell have you been?'

Larry replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.

A tattoo?' she frowned. 'What kind of tattoo did you get?'

'I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,' he said proudly'

What the hell were you thinking?' she said, > shaking her head in disgust. 'Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?'

'Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.

Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.

Three, I like how money feels in my hand.

And, four, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.'

 

[Dleg]

LOVE the kids jokes ^^^

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young sons' innocence, the mother turns around and says "Don't worry. That was an insect." To which one of the boys replies "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

 

[EM_PS]

A blonde's driving down the road when all of a sudden, she see's a blonde in a rowboat, in the middle of a cornfield, just a rowin' like a crazy.

Furious, she skids to a stop, gets out of her car, and screams at the blonde in the rowboat "you know, its blonde's like you that give us a bad name, you stupid bitch!" "And if I knew how to swim, i'd come out there and kick your ass!"

 

[TouchDown]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found

traces of a copper-wire system dating back 100 years, and they came to the

conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100

years ago.

Not to be outdone by New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, California

scientists dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, headlines in the LA

Times newspaper read: 'California archaeologists have found traces of 200

year old copper-wire system and have concluded that their ancestors already had

an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the

New Yorkers.'

One week later, 'The Redneck Rebel Gazette' in Missouri, reported the

following: After digging as deep as 30 feet in a corn field, Bubba Ray Johnson,

a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba

has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Missouri had already gone wireless.

 

[TXengrChickPE]

The love story of Ralph and Edna.

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,

doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna

were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were

walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into

the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled

him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic

act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as

she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news

and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were

able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the

life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays

sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe

belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon

can I go home?'

 

[DVINNY]

This one made me laugh.........

A guy wanted to buy a motorbike.

He doesn't have much luck until, one day; he comes across

a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is

10 years old.

It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he

kept it in such great co ndition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller,

'whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub

Vaseline on the chrome.

It protects it from the rain.' And he hands Joe a jar of

Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to

meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and

says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before

we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the

first person who says anything during dinner has to do the

dishes.'

'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living

room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up

on the stairs, in the corridor,

everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a

word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the

situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody

says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws

her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of

her parents face.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously

livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but

no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks.

So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and

has his way with her every which way right there on the

dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but

still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it

starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline

from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts,

'All right, that's enough, I'll do the fuckin dishes!'

 

[DVINNY]

The Kitchen Bitch

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old

son playing with his new electric train in the living room.. She

heard the train stop and her son saying,

'All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off

now...cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who

are getting

on, get your asses on the train...cause we're

going down the tracks.'

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use

that kind of language in this house.

Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for

TWO HOURS.

When you come out, you may play with your train...but I want you

to use nice language.' Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom

and resumed playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say...

'All passengers,

please remember your things, thank you and

hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with

us again soon.'

She heard her little darling continue...'For those of you just

boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope

you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey

with us today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added, 'For those of

you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please

see the bitch in the kitchen..

 

[TouchDown]

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike trainers and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads: 'If you can catch me, you can have me.' Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads:

'If you catch me you can have me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.' 'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.' The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads: 'If I catch you, I can have you.' He lost 63 pounds that week.

 

[cement]

WILL I LIVE TO SEE 80?

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

'I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said

He looked at me and said,...........Then, why do you even give a shit?

 

[sehad]

My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

‘THISBULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs.....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

‘THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~that’s more than twice a week! ..........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,

in capital letters,

'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,

‘that’s once a day ...You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,

'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'

My condition has been upgraded from critical

to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

 

[Flyer_PE]

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally the trooper got around to writing the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said "Well yeah, if that's what they are-- I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says -- "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey..wait a minute, are you trying to calll me a horse's ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh," no, officer. I have to much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."