FBI Job interview

[roadwreck]

Three men went to hell.

The devil said to them "You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3"

He then opened the doors to the three rooms.

Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor.

Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor.

Finally, room 3 had just a few men, standing in shit up to their knees and drinking coffee.

The men thought for a while, and decided to go with room 3, as it was less crowded and they could drink coffee.

They entered the door to room 3 and just as it was closing behind them, the devil said "OK men, coffee breaks over. Back on your heads."

 

[roadwreck]

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for

years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop

and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a

doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled

back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and

the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor

laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his

bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me

and I didn't listen to you.

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

 

[Flyer_PE]

LITTLE MATT ON MATH:

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'

She calls on little Matt. He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little Matt says, 'I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.' To which Little Matt replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one wearing the Wedding ring,' but I like your thinking.'

LITTLE MATT ON MATH (Part 2):

Little Matt returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

'Why?' asks the father?

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies Matt.

'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she a sked me 'How much is 3x2?''

'What's the fucking difference?' asks the father.

'That's what I said!'

LITTLE MATT ON ENGLISH:

Little Matt goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Matt says 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Matt, that's a mouthful.'

Little Matt says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'

LITTLE MATT ON GRAMMAR:

Little Matt was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yell ed out, ' Miss Jones , I need to take a piss!!'

The teacher replied, 'Now, Matt, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'ur-I-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'

Little Matt thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'

LITTLE MATT ON GRAMMAR (Part 2):

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. 'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Matt.

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!''

LITTLE MATT ON GETTING OLDER:

Little Matt was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little Matt replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'

Little Matt answered, 'No, he minded his own fucking business.’

 

[IlPadrino]

Three men went to hell.
The devil said to them "You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3"

He then opened the doors to the three rooms.

Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor.

Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor.

Finally, room 3 had just a few men, standing in shit up to their knees and drinking coffee.

The men thought for a while, and decided to go with room 3, as it was less crowded and they could drink coffee.

They entered the door to room 3 and just as it was closing behind them, the devil said "OK men, coffee breaks over. Back on your heads."

What, no Monty Hall to help with the decision?!?

 

[MA_PE]

same joke different version:

A guy dies and went to hell.

The devil said "You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3"

He then opened the doors to the three rooms.

Room 1 was filled with men playing poker. That looks pretty good the guy thought.

Room 2 was filled with men fishing. Wow that's even better!

Finally, room 3 had a guy getting a blow job by a gorgeous blond. The guy is really psyched.

The man said I'll take door number 3

The devil said OK. Then he walked into the room tapped the blonde on the shoulder and said "Your replacement is here."

 

[DVINNY]

The Confession

An elderly Italian man who lived on the

outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, The man

said: "Father .... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from

our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her

from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have

no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual

favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes > twice on

Sundays.'

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did,

you placed the two of you in great danger. but two people under those

circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.

However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed

forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one

more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''

 

[Dleg]

^^^!!!!!! I love it!!!!!

 

[TouchDown]

My five-year old students, are learning to read.

Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,

'Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!'

I took a deep breath, then asked...'What did you call it?'

'It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!'

And so it does...

[SIZE=24pt]'AFRICAN ELEPHANT'[/SIZE]

Hooked on phonics! Gotta Love it!

 

[DVINNY]

^^^ Just spit my Diet Dr. Pepper out

LMFAO

 

[DVINNY]

New Orleans Craigslist.

__________________________________________________ ______________

MEAN Mom Selling SPOILED Son's 98 Dodge Ram 1500 - $5500 (Marrero)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Reply to: [email protected]

Date: 2008-07-22, 8:20PM CDT

"Unfair, unloving & unreasonable" mother selling 17 year old son's 1998 DODGE RAM 1500 single cab pickup truck after he received 3 tickets in one week, consistently broke curfew and skipped 2 days of work to "hang out" with his girlfriend.

Mom is so "uncool" that she bought the truck as a surprise for son in May 08. Because she has "no life," she spent two weekends hand-cleaning the engine and servicing the transmission and engine. And because she has nothing better to spend her money (from the money tree in the backyard)on, she had all of the following replaced or installed:

22" black & silver rims

New tires

New carpet

New amp

New obnoxiously loud speakers and speaker box

New lower control arms

New brake shoes

New brake rotors

New steering rods

New windshield

New side view mirrors

New Air conditioning system

New exhaust

Undercoated underneath truck

The truck has a little over 124K miles. If you don't want the 22" rims and tires, I still have the original rims and old tires available. If you don't want the speaker box, amp and whatever else is in there, I can remove all of that and reinstall the center seat/console. Asking price without the rims, tires, speakers and amp is $4000 obo, with everything is $5500 obo.

If you are interested, please call the Wicked Witch at (504)650-3621.

 

[DVINNY]

Everyone is in a hurry to scream "racism" these

days!

Well, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?" a guy

asks.

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy

(clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask

you

something."

"If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you

ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst,

would you ask me if I was

German?

Or if I asked for a

kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had

asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

If I asked for

some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk

says, "Well, no, I probably wouldn't!"

With deep self-righteous

indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did

you ask me if I'm

Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replied,

"Because you're in Home

Depot."

 

[DVINNY]

A little guy was sitting next to a big guy in a bar and said, “Hey, wanna hear a good Polock joke?”

The big guy frowned and answered, “I just happen to be Polish. You see those two big guys at that end of the bar? Polish. That mean lookin’ son-of-a-bitch bartender, he’s Polish too. Do you still want to tell your Polish joke?”

The little guy looked around and said,”Nope.”

“What’s the matter?” asked the big guy. “Are you afraid that we’ll beat you up?”

The little guy looked up at him and said, “No, I just dont’t want to have to explain the punch line four times.”

 

[DVINNY]

I am not Polish but I know a guy that is. He locked his keys in his car and took two hours to get his family out!!

 

[frazil]

LOL THanks for the jokes DV. The craigslist ads rocks!

 

[maryannette]

Good to start the morning with a laugh. Thanks.

 

[civengPE]

I can't believe it, but this is actually a real ad.

http://neworleans.craigslist.org/car/766050278.html

You go DV!!!

New Orleans Craigslist.
__________________________________________________ ______________

MEAN Mom Selling SPOILED Son's 98 Dodge Ram 1500 - $5500 (Marrero)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Reply to: [email protected]

Date: 2008-07-22, 8:20PM CDT

"Unfair, unloving & unreasonable" mother selling 17 year old son's 1998 DODGE RAM 1500 single cab pickup truck after he received 3 tickets in one week, consistently broke curfew and skipped 2 days of work to "hang out" with his girlfriend.

Mom is so "uncool" that she bought the truck as a surprise for son in May 08. Because she has "no life," she spent two weekends hand-cleaning the engine and servicing the transmission and engine. And because she has nothing better to spend her money (from the money tree in the backyard)on, she had all of the following replaced or installed:

22" black & silver rims

New tires

New carpet

New amp

New obnoxiously loud speakers and speaker box

New lower control arms

New brake shoes

New brake rotors

New steering rods

New windshield

New side view mirrors

New Air conditioning system

New exhaust

Undercoated underneath truck

The truck has a little over 124K miles. If you don't want the 22" rims and tires, I still have the original rims and old tires available. If you don't want the speaker box, amp and whatever else is in there, I can remove all of that and reinstall the center seat/console. Asking price without the rims, tires, speakers and amp is $4000 obo, with everything is $5500 obo.

If you are interested, please call the Wicked Witch at (504)650-3621.

 

[MA_PE]

the craigslist ad is great!

Did you hear about the polish guy who broke his leg raking leaves? He fell out of the tree.

 

[Wolverine]

Forwarded to me by my token hispanic buddy:

A Kentucky couple, both certified rednecks, had nine children.

They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband 'fixed.'

The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what

finally made them make the decision do this. Why after nine children?

The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one

out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican,

and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because

neither of them could speak Spanish.

:w00t:

 

[FLBuff PE]

:appl: I don't care who you are, that's funny right there!

 

[DVINNY]

Crash goes to the revival and listens to the preacher.

After awhile the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to

come forward to the front at the altar.

Crash gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks:

"Crash, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Crash replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing.

"The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other

hand on top of Crash's head and prays and prays and prays.

After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and

asks Crash:

"Crash, how is your hearing now?"

Crash says, "I don't know, Reverend, it's not until next Wednesday."