FBI Job interview

[DVINNY]

:appl: :appl: :appl: :appl: :true:

:Locolaugh: :Locolaugh:

 

[sehad]

If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there too.

:Locolaugh:

 

[Sschell]

And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are faggadocious.

does burlap count?

how about filter fabric?

does flannel count as cotton... or is that wool?

oh crap I said wool.... UNDO UNDO!

I guess my closet door just flew wide open.

 

[mudpuppy]

Personally, fiscally I am very conservative, I earn my money, I want to keep it. Socially, I am very liberal, If the gays want to get married, go ahead. Basically anything that anyone wants to do (drugs, prostitution, gambling etc.) as long as they are not affecting me (or my pocket book) I think they should be able to do it.

Welcome to the Libertarian Party, The Dude!

 

[PE-ness]

20 ways to say that someone's "fly is open"....

20. The cucumber has left the salad.

19. I can see the gun of Navarone.

18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

17. You've got Windows in your laptop.

16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.

15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.

14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.

13. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...

12. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!

9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!

7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!

5. You've got your fly set for Monica instead of Hillary.

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HIS FLY IS UNZIPPED...

1. I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.

 

[wilheldp_PE]

5. You've got your fly set for Monica instead of Hillary.

:Locolaugh:

 

[ktulu]

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana . He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne , Indiana , who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.

This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature.

It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn.

I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.

In agony I realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'

Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day.

 

[DVINNY]

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a

family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired

and somber.

'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed

the

worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a

brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is

the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to

pay for the BRAIN.'

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time,

someone asked, 'How much will a brain cost?'

The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a male brain; $200 for a

female brain.'

The moment turned awkward. Some of the men actually had to 'try' to not

smile, avoiding eye contact with the women.

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire

group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the

female brains a lot lower because they've been used.'

 

[DVINNY]

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, 'Is it still a

requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?' The rabbi responded, 'Yes,

that is still one of our laws.' The priest then asked, 'Have you ever eaten

pork?' To which the rabbi replied, 'Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to

temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.' The priest nodded in understanding

and

went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the

priest, 'Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain

celibate?' The priest replied, 'Yes, that is still very much a part of our

faith.' The rabbi then asked him, 'Father, have you ever fallen to the

temptations of the flesh?' The priest replied, 'Yes, rabbi, on one occasion

I was weak and broke with my faith.' The rabbi nodded understandingly and

remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said,

'Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?

 

[EM_PS]

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, '13...13....13...13.'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.

Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting. '14...14...14...14....'

 

[Sschell]

LOLed twice in that one ^

 

[Guest]

LOLed twice in that one ^

Ditto! Best laugh I have had in awhile ...

JR

 

[PE-ness]

We all know what a French kiss is - a sloppy wet kiss on the lips, with the tongue slipped in.

But have you heard about the Australian kiss?

It's the same thing, only down under.

 

[DVINNY]

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling

back and forth.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches,

"Can I help you Sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging

out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without

missing a beat, blurts out....

"Holy ****! My girlfriend's gone, too!!

 

[sehad]

^^Nice

 

[MA_PE]

Signs 

  Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

  'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'

  **************************

  In a Podiatrist's office:

  'Time wounds all heels.'

  **************************

  On a Septic Tank Truck:

  Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

  **************************

  At a Proctologist's door:

  'To expedite your visit, please back in.'

  **************************

  On a Plumber's truck:

  'We repair what your husband fixed.'

  **************************

  On another Plumber's truck:

  'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber'

  **************************

  On a Church's Bill board:

  '7 days without God makes one weak.'

  **************************

  At a Tire Shop

  'Invite us to your next blowout.'

  **************************

  At a Towing company:

  'We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows'

  **************************

  On an Electrician's truck:

  'Let us remove your shorts.'

  **************************

  In a Non-smoking Area:

  'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'

  **************************

  On a Maternity Room door:

  'Push. Push. Push.'

  **************************

  At an Optometrist's Office:

  'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place'

  **************************

  On a Taxidermist's window:

  'We really know our stuff.'

  **************************

  On a Fence:

  'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'

  **************************

  At a Car Dealership:

  'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment'

  **************************

  Outside a Muffler Shop:

  'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'

  **************************

  In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

  'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'

  **************************

  At the Electric Company

  'We would be delighted if you send in your payment.

  However, if you don't, you will be.'

  **************************

  In a Restaurant window:

  'Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up'

  **************************

  In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

  'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'

  **************************

  At a Propane Filling Station:

  'Thank heaven for little grills.'

  **************************

  And don't forget the sign at a

  RADIATOR SHOP:

  'Best place in town to take a leak.'

  **********************

  Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:

'Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises'

 

[DVINNY]

Whether Democrat or Republican, I think you'll get a kick out of this!

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The President .

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the

Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you

the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the

Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him..

He finds that the baby has severely

soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies,

'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.

The People are being ignored and the

Future is in deep ****.

 

[cement]

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely known for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, 'Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students...?'

'Wait a moment,' Socrates replied. 'Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three.'

'The TEST of THREE?' the man asked.

That's correct,' Socrates continued. 'Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?'

'No,' the man replied, 'actually I just heard about it.'

'All right,' said Socrates. 'So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?'

'No, on the contrary... '

'So,' Socrates continued, 'you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?'

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued, 'You may still pass though because there is a third test --- the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?'

'No, not really . . '

'Well,' concluded Socrates, 'if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?'

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem...

It also explains why Socrates didn't find out that Plato was banging his wife.

 

[cement]

Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning

she told her husband that she had slept over at a

friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best

friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he

told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's

house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.

Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

 

[FLBuff PE]

Whether Democrat or Republican, I think you'll get a kick out of this!

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The President .

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the

Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you

the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the

Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him..

He finds that the baby has severely

soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies,

'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.

The People are being ignored and the

Future is in deep ****.

:appl: :appl: :appl: