FBI Job interview
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Audi Driver P.E.
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Just saw a midget struggling carrying a TV to his car. I said " You need a hand with that flat screen, mate?" He said "Fuck off dickhead, its an ipad"
Years ago a young Navy Pilot was injured while ejecting from his A-4 Skyhawk due to engine failure during a catapult shot. Due to the heroics of the rescue helicopter crew and the ship's medical staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.
He remained on flight status and eventually became an Admiral. However he was always sensitive about his appearance.
One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff. The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type. It was a great interview. At the end the Admiral asked, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
The Master Chief answered, "Why, yes Admiral. I couldn't help but notice that you are missing your starboard ear. I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and dismissed the Master Chief.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, was asked this same question and answered, "Well yes, sir, you seem to be short one ear."
The Admiral dismissed him as well.
The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two others put together. The Admiral wanted this guy but went ahead with the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
To his surprise, the Sergeant Major said, "Yes Sir, you wear contact lenses."
The Admiral thought what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how would you know that?" he asked.
The Sergeant Major replied: "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear eyeglasses with only one friggen' ear."
He remained on flight status and eventually became an Admiral. However he was always sensitive about his appearance.
One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff. The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type. It was a great interview. At the end the Admiral asked, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
The Master Chief answered, "Why, yes Admiral. I couldn't help but notice that you are missing your starboard ear. I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and dismissed the Master Chief.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, was asked this same question and answered, "Well yes, sir, you seem to be short one ear."
The Admiral dismissed him as well.
The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two others put together. The Admiral wanted this guy but went ahead with the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
To his surprise, the Sergeant Major said, "Yes Sir, you wear contact lenses."
The Admiral thought what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how would you know that?" he asked.
The Sergeant Major replied: "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear eyeglasses with only one friggen' ear."
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'
'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..
'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.
Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'
'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..
'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.
Happy (belated) Father's Day!
This morning I was lying in bed with my wife, and she asked me what I wanted for Father Day. I winked at her and said I wanted to recreate how I became a father. She looked lovingly into my eyes, took my hand, and squeezed it so hard it crushed my bones, while yelling "You did this to me!".
This morning I was lying in bed with my wife, and she asked me what I wanted for Father Day. I winked at her and said I wanted to recreate how I became a father. She looked lovingly into my eyes, took my hand, and squeezed it so hard it crushed my bones, while yelling "You did this to me!".
A pirate walks into a bar with a helm wheel in his pants. Curious, the bartender inquired about it. The pirate responded, “arrg, it’s drivin’ me nuts.”
The invention of the rototiller was certainly ground-breaking.
A man walks into the doctor's office complaining of rectal pain. Upon examination, the doctor tells him "sir, there's a piece of lettuce coming out of your rectum!"
The man replies, "Doc, that's only the tip of the iceberg."
The man replies, "Doc, that's only the tip of the iceberg."
Two elderly ladies, Mabel and Evie, meet at a café for a nice cup of coffee and a cake.
After a while, Mabel peers closely at Evie and says, “Evie, it looks like you have a suppository in your ear!”
“What?”
“It looks like you have a suppository in your ear, Evie!” says Mabel a bit louder.
“Oh,” checks Evie, “you’re right! Drat, well, at least I know where my hearing aid is now.”
After a while, Mabel peers closely at Evie and says, “Evie, it looks like you have a suppository in your ear!”
“What?”
“It looks like you have a suppository in your ear, Evie!” says Mabel a bit louder.
“Oh,” checks Evie, “you’re right! Drat, well, at least I know where my hearing aid is now.”
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the side-walk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. " Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his willy through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop laughing. "O.K. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays!"
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. " Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his willy through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop laughing. "O.K. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays!"
jeb6294
Well-known member
jeb6294
Well-known member
Putin dies and goes to hell, but after a while, he is given a day off for good behavior.
So he goes to Moscow, enters a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender:
-Is Crimea ours?
-Yes, it is.
-And the Donbas?
-Also ours.
-And Kyiv?
-We got that too.
Satisfied, Putin drinks, and asks:
-Thanks, how much do I owe you?
-5 euros.
So he goes to Moscow, enters a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender:
-Is Crimea ours?
-Yes, it is.
-And the Donbas?
-Also ours.
-And Kyiv?
-We got that too.
Satisfied, Putin drinks, and asks:
-Thanks, how much do I owe you?
-5 euros.
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