FBI Job interview

[Flyer_PE]

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover. To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully this year...the bells are not always audible.

 

[sehad]

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch. Th e King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story - Pay your bills

 

[DVINNY]

HALLMARK CARDS YOU DON'T SEE

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

My tire was

thumping..

I thought it was flat.

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Heard your wife left you, how upset you must be.

But don't fret about it.. She moved in with me.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Looking back over the years that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder....

'What the hell was I thinking?'

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Congratulations

on your wedding day!

Too bad no one

likes your husband.

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love

After having met you .. I've changed my mind..

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Congratulations on your promotion

Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

W hen we were together,

you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

We have been friends for a very long time ..

let's say we stop?

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

I'm so miserable without you,

it's almost like you're here.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Your friends and I wanted to

do something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

So your daughter's a hooker,

and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay.

 

[DVINNY]

A husband and wife were sitting watching TV when he

turned to his wife and said,

"Honey, tell me something that will

make me happy and

sad all at the same time."

And

She said, "You have the biggest willie of all your friends."

 

[DVINNY]

Ralph's Surgery

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.

But after several weeks, his penis had grown fifty centimetres.

Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.

'How long will Ralph be on crutches?' the wife asked anxiously.

'Crutches? Why would he need crutches?' responded the surprised doctor.

'Well,' said the wife coldly, 'you're gunna lengthen his legs, aren't you?'

 

[DVINNY]

Note Found on the Refrigerator One Morning:

My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset I shall be home before midnight.'

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.

As a successful business man who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

 

[DVINNY]

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college, but half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.

He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!'

'That's amazing,' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $1,000' the young cowboy says. 'I'll get him in the course.'

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

'So how's Ol' Blue doing son,' his father asks.

'Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm, 'he says, 'but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!'

'Read!' says his father, 'No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?'

Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. 'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!'

'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, as he usually does.

Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead who lives in town?'

The father exclaimed, 'I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!' 'I sure did, Dad!' 'That's my boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer... And then he went on to become a Congressman.

 

[Freon]

Texans In Heaven

Gabriel went to the Lord and said, 'I have to talk to you. We have some Texans up here who are causing problems...

They're swinging on the Pearly Gates, my horn is missing, and they are wearing T-shirts instead of their robes; there's barbecue sauce and picante sauce all over everything, especially their T-shirts; their dogs are riding in the chariots and chasing the sheep;

They are wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos.

They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clean, and their boots are marking and scuffing up the halls of Wisdom. There are watermelon seeds and tortilla chip crumbs all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing; and they insist on bringing their horses with them.'

The Lord said, 'Texans are Texans, Gabriel. Heaven is home to all of my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the Devil.'

So Gabriel calls the Devil who answers the phone and says, 'Hello---hold on a minute.'

When he returns to the phone the Devil says, 'O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you?

Gabriel replied, 'I just want to know what kinds of problems you are having down there with the Texans.'

The Devil said, 'Hold on again. I need to check on something.'

After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said. 'I'm back. Now what was the question?'

Gabriel said, 'What kind of problems are you having down there with the Texans?'

The Devil said, 'Man, I don't believe this...hold on.'

This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes and when he returns he says, 'I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now. Red Adair has put out the fire and Brown and Root is installing air conditioning.'

 

[EM_PS]

TOYOTO VS FORD CANOE RACE...........

A Japanese company (Toyota) and an American company (Ford Motors)

decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 7 people steering and 2 people rowing.

Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a s econd opinion.

They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the bo at while not enough people were rowing.

Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 2 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 2 people rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rowers. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses. The pension program was trimmed to "equal the competition" and some of the resultant savings were channeled into morale boosting programs and teamwork posters.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid-off one rower, halted development of a new canoe, sold all the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses.

The next year, try as he might, the lone designated rower was unable to even finish the race (having no paddles) so he was laid off for unacceptable performance, all canoe equipment was sold and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India.

 

[ktulu]

One Monday morning the UPS man is driving the neighborhood on his usual

route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were

still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner,

coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

'Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the UPS man comments.

Bob, in obvious pain, replies, 'Actually we had it Saturday night.

This

is

the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.'

The UPS man thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'

Bob says, 'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a

time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.'

The UPS man laughs and says, 'Damn, I'm sorry I missed that.'

'Probably a good thing you did,' Bob responds. 'Your name came up seven

times.'

 

[jmbeck]

An American golfer playing a round in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the little Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.' And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'T'was me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

'C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'

 

[Wolverine]

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family

values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did

you?

"Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"

----------------------------------------------------------

A little boy went up to his fa ther and asked:

"Dad, where did my intelligence come from?"

The father replied. "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother,

'cause I still have mine."

---------------------------------------------------------

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court

Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,"

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then

I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

---------------------------------------------------------

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took

the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."

"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good

with the kids."

 

[Wolverine]

--------------------------- --------------------------------

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has

been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that

were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

----------------------------------------------------------

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder.

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.

----------------------------------------------------------

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll

take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?"

The agent replies, "Just a minute."

"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

---------------------------------------------------------

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

"How was he killed?" asked one detective.

"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.

"A golf gun! What is a golf gun?"

"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

---------------------------------------------- -------------

 

[Wolverine]

Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."

Joe: "Really?"

Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell."

----------------------------------------------------------

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks

him how he is feeling.

"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-word the doctor used in

surgery," he answered.

"What did he say," asked the nurse.

"OOPS"

------------------------------------------------------------

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of

bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had

even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.

"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"

"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."

He's still in intensive care.

 

[IlPadrino]

Similar to another version...

-----

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more government programs, in other words redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, 'How is your friend Audrey doing?' She replied, 'Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over.'

Her wise father asked his daughter, 'Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend, who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA.'

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, 'That's a crazy idea, and how would that be fair! I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!'

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, 'Welcome to the Republican party.'

If anyone has a better explanation of the difference between Republican and Democrat, I'm all ears.

 

[maryannette]

I've heard that one and I like it. Very good way to put things in perspective. Reminds me of the "Little Red Hen".

 

[DVINNY]

But the teacher was a hard worker at one time, and therefore "favored" the guy's daughter because she too was a hard worker.

With that kind of favoritism, it was IMPOSSIBLE for the friend to achieve a higher GPA, since the teacher was biased to those who play SEGA all day and watch soap operas. Therefore, after several government funding studies, a program was developed to send the teacher to courses to help better understand a diverse student population.

This would help in making the teacher understand the need for why the GPA needed to be distributed evenly.

 

[MA_PE]

And the study found that college level GPA's were simply an elitest system designed to penalize the open-minded students who were more conducive to a less-competitive environment. Children of college age should not be subjected to such brutal attacks on thier esteem simply because they would prefer to expressive thier individuality as opposed to following the rigorous and oppressive course schedules.

A movement was made to eliminate this wicked caste system and reward all students with identical diplomas for enrolling and "trying thier best".

 

[Sschell]

If anyone has a better explanation of the difference between Republican and Democrat, I'm all ears.

in terms of economic policy thats about it right there... there is the social side though.

Personally, fiscally I am very conservative, I earn my money, I want to keep it. Socially, I am very liberal, If the gays want to get married, go ahead. Basically anything that anyone wants to do (drugs, prostitution, gambling etc.) as long as they are not affecting me (or my pocket book) I think they should be able to do it.

oh yeah this is a joke thread... why in the world am I talking politics???

 

[IlPadrino]

oh yeah this is a joke thread... why in the world am I talking politics???

Sorry... my fault. How about this:

-----

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet...Fancy-pants.

2. If you have a cat, you are a flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer-- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so queer.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as queer as a $3 bill. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there too.

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a 'fressier' is, you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are faggadocious.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the jerk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.

8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge on being a fudgepacker.