FBI Job interview
- Thread starter DVINNY
- Start date
Help Support Professional Engineer & PE Exam Forum:
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman
What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you
done wrong?
Made her chain too long
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer
to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men..
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Marry It!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman
What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you
done wrong?
Made her chain too long
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer
to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men..
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
HOSPITAL CHART BLOOPERS
Actual writings from hospital charts:
1. The patient refused autopsy...
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. She has no rigours or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot
in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
7.. The patient is tearful and crying constantly.. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 -year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
11.. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER , she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
Actual writings from hospital charts:
1. The patient refused autopsy...
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. She has no rigours or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot
in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
7.. The patient is tearful and crying constantly.. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 -year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
11.. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER , she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site. The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
The foreman went away for a of couple hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched. He asked the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replied, "I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either." The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy.
Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled...
"SUPPLIES!!"
He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
The foreman went away for a of couple hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched. He asked the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replied, "I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either." The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy.
Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled...
"SUPPLIES!!"
DVINNY
2-time 10K winner
A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans.
Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.
The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different....... again.
Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not an Obama fan"
The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Obama?"
Johnny said, "Because I'm a Republican"
The teacher asked him why he's' a Republican. Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican."
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom were a moron and your dad were an idiot, what would that make you?"
With a big smile, Little Johnny replied,
"THAT would make me an Obama fan."
Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.
The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different....... again.
Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not an Obama fan"
The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Obama?"
Johnny said, "Because I'm a Republican"
The teacher asked him why he's' a Republican. Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican."
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom were a moron and your dad were an idiot, what would that make you?"
With a big smile, Little Johnny replied,
"THAT would make me an Obama fan."
soboman52
Active member
^^^^^^My new favorite joke!
RIP - VTEnviro
His Memory Eternal
A woman at a John McCain rally said that Barack Obama is an Arab. And McCain quickly corrected her. It was really awkward, because McCain had to tell her, 'Look, Governor Palin, you are wrong.'
Can't we wait 2 more years to do this again DV?
Can't we wait 2 more years to do this again DV?
DVINNY
2-time 10K winner
Yeah, but its so fun now since there is currently a village in Indonesia missing its idiot. (or Kenya, wherever)
(Texas got theirs back)
(Texas got theirs back)
DVINNY
2-time 10K winner
A preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation ........ no one wanted him to leave.
Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up and proclaims, .... "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!"
More sighs and loud applause.
Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile "If the Preacher stays, ..... I will give hime sex!"
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"
Sadie's 90-year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, "Well, I jusk asked my husband how we could help, and he said.... SCREW HIM!"
Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up and proclaims, .... "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!"
More sighs and loud applause.
Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile "If the Preacher stays, ..... I will give hime sex!"
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"
Sadie's 90-year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, "Well, I jusk asked my husband how we could help, and he said.... SCREW HIM!"
DVINNY
2-time 10K winner
A chicken and an egg are in bed.
The chicken has it's head on the pillow smoking.
The egg rolls over annoyed saying, "I guess we answered that question!"
The chicken has it's head on the pillow smoking.
The egg rolls over annoyed saying, "I guess we answered that question!"
Chucktown PE
Well-known member
Beware: Home Depot Scam
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while shopping. Don't be naive enough think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are loading your purchases. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another store. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing each other and making out. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen February 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th 29th. Also March 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 11th, 12th, three times last Saturday, probably tomorrow, and very likely again this upcoming weekend. So tell your friends to be very careful. P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for 2.99 each.
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while shopping. Don't be naive enough think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are loading your purchases. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another store. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing each other and making out. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen February 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th 29th. Also March 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 11th, 12th, three times last Saturday, probably tomorrow, and very likely again this upcoming weekend. So tell your friends to be very careful. P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for 2.99 each.
Flyer_PE
Jr. PE / Sr. Company Pilot
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
______________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
________________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take
care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more
important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for
a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and
when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish
cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
________________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I
pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly
undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a
different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
________________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she
processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
______________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
________________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take
care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more
important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for
a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and
when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish
cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
________________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I
pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly
undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a
different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
________________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she
processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
A man is stumbling through the bush totally drunk and then he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
"Yes I am" replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dips him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't." The preacher, shocked with the answer, deeps him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I have not found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is worried and so he dips the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.
When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs struggling for breath, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher:
"No, I have not found Jesus! Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
"Yes I am" replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dips him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't." The preacher, shocked with the answer, deeps him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I have not found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is worried and so he dips the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.
When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs struggling for breath, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher:
"No, I have not found Jesus! Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
Top Ten Rejected Valentine's Day Cards:
10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk, but the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.
9. Our love will never become cold and hollow, unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store, in hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.
7. This feels so good, it feels so right, I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.
6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class, especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.
5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished, but now I'm fulfilled... SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!
4. Through all the things that came to pass, our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.
3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie, I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".
2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny, so right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!
1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister. You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!
10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk, but the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.
9. Our love will never become cold and hollow, unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store, in hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.
7. This feels so good, it feels so right, I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.
6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class, especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.
5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished, but now I'm fulfilled... SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!
4. Through all the things that came to pass, our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.
3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie, I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".
2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny, so right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!
1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister. You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!
DVINNY
2-time 10K winner
I've used #5 in a valentine before
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