FBI Job interview

[FLBuff PE]

Ahhhh, you old fogey.

Actually, the guy that sent that to me on email is 62. So you can't use that excuse DK

I don't think the First Lady is a Whore, but the joke is funny none the less. The joke is implying that she KNOWS what one smells like, doesn't state that she worked in one.

as said above, kinda like a "yo momma so fat..."

Even I chuckled at it.

The "yo momma so fat..." is one thing. Can be funny. Since I got it the wrong way since the get go cannot say it is. This is not a biggy. I would have reacted the same way if the roles were inverted.

This is the jokes thread. Bring the next joke on...I will be sure to keep my mouth shut this time.

I wasn't giving you a hard time, DK. Sorry if you took it that way.

 

[Dark Knight]

I wasn't giving you a hard time, DK. Sorry if you took it that way.

You are good. No need to say sorry. I got it this time.

 

[Capt Worley PE]

I know LBJ told that joke, but I can't remember who the two politicians were. And, no, I'm not old enough to remember when it happened. i read it somewhere.

 

[ALBin517]

Elvis Presley asked Priscilla to marry him.

She said, “Elvis, you know I am thirteen years old.”

He replied, “That’s OK, baby. I’m not superstitious.”

 

[Supe]

A midget with a slight lisp was at a man's ranch, looking to buy a horse.

Wanting to do a thorough inspection before making his purchase, the midget said to the man, "Can I pwease look at it's eyes?"

So the man picked up the midget, and held him right up to the horse's face. "Yes siw, those awe some mighty fine looking eyes, not bloodshot at all!"

Then he asked, "Can I see it's eaws?" So the man picked up the midget, and held him right up to the horse's ears. "Yep, evewything looks gweat in there!"

The midget looks at the man one more time and asks, "Say, do you think I can see it's tw*t?"

A bit befuddled, the man shrugged, picked up the midget, and stuck thrust his head right up into the horse's privates.

Moments later, he pulled the midget out, who was gasping for air.

After regaining his composure, the midget said to the man, "Pewhaps I misspoke, can I maybe just see it walk awound a little?"

 

[roadwreck]

Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES

· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, ******** and S--- for Brains.

EATING OUT

· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

· A woman has the last word in any argument.

· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

 

[Ronin]

MONEY· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

Pearls of Wisdom!

 

[Dleg]

Or this one:

THOUGHT FOR THE DAYA married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

 

[maryannette]

Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair,and flies circled her.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.

Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ... Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:

"Cindy, you have sinned."

 

[Supe]

Good one, Mary!

 

[maryannette]

A doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer are in a house. A policeman walking by hears "Oh no, John, don't!" And then a shot. The policeman goes into the house and sees a dead woman and gun lying on the floor. He turns to the lawyer and says "You're under arrest." How does the policeman know?

 

[Master slacker]

Oh COME ON! You can't leave me hangin' like that!

 

[MA_PE]

A doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer are in a house. A policeman walking by hears "Oh no, John, don't!" And then a shot. The policeman goes into the house and sees a dead woman and gun lying on the floor. He turns to the lawyer and says "You're under arrest." How does the policeman know?

A: Everyone was female except the lawyer, so he must be John, thus the murderer.

 

[Master slacker]

That's not really a joke. Disappointment ensues...

 

[maryannette]

OK. Here's a joke.

A man goes to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.

He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."

"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"

"A fottle, replies the inventor."

"A fottle? That's a stupid! Can't you think of something else?"

"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."

"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.

"A farton", replies the inventor.

"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that!"

"In that case," says the inventor...

"You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."

 

[DVINNY]

^^^ Much better

 

[Master slacker]

Approve. :thumbs:

 

[Master slacker]

A mother was busy in the kitchen listening to her 6 year old son, Tommy playing in the other room with his new toy train set. She heard the train stop & Tommy say "All you *******s who want off get the hell off now, cuzz we are in a hurry! And all of you *******s who want on get the hell on, get the hell on cuzz we are going down the tracks".

Mother walks in & tells Tommy, 'We don't talk like that in this house', go to your room and stay ther for a couple hours & think about what you done.

Couple hours later Tommy walks out & asks to play with his train again. Mother says "Yes only if you use nice words". He agrees & continues to play.

He stops the train & says " Those who are leaving 'Thank You for traveling with us today'. Those who are boarding we hope you have a nice trip. And for all of those who are pissed about the the 2 hour delay see the 'Fat-Bitch' in the kitchen.

 

[maryannette]

^ ROTFL! A good laugh. Thanks for sharing.

 

[Master slacker]

I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Toronto but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

A pal of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother's got a moustache".

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche & mentioned it on FaceBook. I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4,000 Muslims have added me as a friend!!!

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." She replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sicko.”

The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and ask if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan, I said we would love to, but our hose only reaches to the bottom of the garden.