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Two Illinois tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they approached Oconomowoc they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. This went on until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist said to the girl behind the counter "Can you settle an argument for us? Would you pronounce where we are, very slowly?"
The girl leaned forward and said "Burrrr-gerrrr Kiiiing".
The girl leaned forward and said "Burrrr-gerrrr Kiiiing".
Master slacker
Something awesome.
Congress.
Ble_PE
I need a beer.
Flyer_PE
Jr. PE / Sr. Company Pilot
HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM
1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
Bubba,
Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour.
Don't mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the mailman this morning and
messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell
from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.
Better wait outside. Be right back.
Cooter
1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
Bubba,
Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour.
Don't mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the mailman this morning and
messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell
from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.
Better wait outside. Be right back.
Cooter
WOMEN AS EXPLAINED BY ENGINEERS
Part I
Part II
Part III
Part IV
Part V
And Finally!
Have you ever wondered how a woman's brain works?
Well....it's finally explained here in one, easy-to-understand illustration:
Every one of those little blue balls is a thought about something
that needs to be done, a decision or a problem that needs to be solved.
A man has only 2 balls and they take up all his thoughts.
=
Forward this to all the guys for a good laugh,
and to all the ladies who have a good sense of humor.
Part I
Part II
Part III
Part IV
Part V
And Finally!
Have you ever wondered how a woman's brain works?
Well....it's finally explained here in one, easy-to-understand illustration:
Every one of those little blue balls is a thought about something
that needs to be done, a decision or a problem that needs to be solved.
A man has only 2 balls and they take up all his thoughts.
=
Forward this to all the guys for a good laugh,
and to all the ladies who have a good sense of humor.
Last edited by a moderator:
A newlywed couple are involved in a tragic car accident on the second night of their honeymoon, and the bride ends up in a coma.
Her devoted husband visits her religiously every morning, noon, and night, but five years go by and nothing changes.
Then one day one of the nurses happens to notice a slight change in her vital signs while giving her her daily sponge bath - specifically while cleaning her private parts.
So the nurse brings this up to the doctor in charge of the coma ward, and the doctor says "I have an idea. Call her husband in"
So the husband comes in and is brought into the room with his wife, the doctor, and two nurses. The doctor begins: "I don't know how to explain this without it sounding strange, so I am just going to go ahead and say it: we think it may be possible to wake your wife by, uh, how do I put this delicately... um, oral sex."
The husband replied "Doc, you know I would do anything to bring my darling wife back. I'll do it!"
So the Doctor told him to take his time, and not to worry about anything because they could monitor his wife's vital signs from the central admissions desk. The nurses closed the blinds and locked the door behind them.
About fifteen minutes had gone by and nothing had happened! Just as the nurses were about to go check on the couple, the alarms started going off and the wife's vital signs flat lined! The nurses ran down to hall just in time for the panicked husband to open the door.
"What happened?" asked the Doctor, following the crash cart into the room.
"I don't know Doc, but I think I might have choked her!"
Her devoted husband visits her religiously every morning, noon, and night, but five years go by and nothing changes.
Then one day one of the nurses happens to notice a slight change in her vital signs while giving her her daily sponge bath - specifically while cleaning her private parts.
So the nurse brings this up to the doctor in charge of the coma ward, and the doctor says "I have an idea. Call her husband in"
So the husband comes in and is brought into the room with his wife, the doctor, and two nurses. The doctor begins: "I don't know how to explain this without it sounding strange, so I am just going to go ahead and say it: we think it may be possible to wake your wife by, uh, how do I put this delicately... um, oral sex."
The husband replied "Doc, you know I would do anything to bring my darling wife back. I'll do it!"
So the Doctor told him to take his time, and not to worry about anything because they could monitor his wife's vital signs from the central admissions desk. The nurses closed the blinds and locked the door behind them.
About fifteen minutes had gone by and nothing had happened! Just as the nurses were about to go check on the couple, the alarms started going off and the wife's vital signs flat lined! The nurses ran down to hall just in time for the panicked husband to open the door.
"What happened?" asked the Doctor, following the crash cart into the room.
"I don't know Doc, but I think I might have choked her!"
klk
Well-known member
Aging Gracefully
$5.37." That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."
I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully. I stood there stupefied. I am 58, not even 60 yet -- a mere child! Senior citizen?
I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with him. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?
I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.
Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?
"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"
I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.
Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.
Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle. Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.
I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Emo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?" All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here?" At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.
Emo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake." I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.
She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."
All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.
As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blanky.
The good news was I had successfully found my way home.
$5.37." That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."
I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully. I stood there stupefied. I am 58, not even 60 yet -- a mere child! Senior citizen?
I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with him. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?
I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.
Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?
"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"
I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.
Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.
Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle. Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.
I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Emo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?" All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here?" At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.
Emo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake." I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.
She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."
All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.
As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blanky.
The good news was I had successfully found my way home.
DVINNY
2-time 10K winner
Groups of Americans were travelling by tour bus through
Holland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young
guide led them through the process of cheese making,
explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the
group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
'These,' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to
pasture when they no longer produce.'
She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old
goats?'
A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!
Holland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young
guide led them through the process of cheese making,
explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the
group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
'These,' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to
pasture when they no longer produce.'
She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old
goats?'
A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!
DVINNY
2-time 10K winner
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up
at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and
very sexy 25-year-old blond-haired woman who knocks
everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and
charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently
to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very
first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you
get the trophy girlfriend?'
Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'
They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd
you persuade her to marry you?'
'I lied about my age', Bob replies.
'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'
at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and
very sexy 25-year-old blond-haired woman who knocks
everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and
charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently
to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very
first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you
get the trophy girlfriend?'
Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'
They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd
you persuade her to marry you?'
'I lied about my age', Bob replies.
'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'
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DVINNY
2-time 10K winner
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa .
'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have
killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is
awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese
food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be
disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm
caused by the germs in our drinking water. However,
there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and
we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell
me what food it is that causes the most grief and
suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the
front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'
'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have
killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is
awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese
food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be
disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm
caused by the germs in our drinking water. However,
there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and
we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell
me what food it is that causes the most grief and
suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the
front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'
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DVINNY
2-time 10K winner
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to
find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the
balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him
instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of
murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her
own defense.
'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92,
if he could screw, he could fly.'
find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the
balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him
instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of
murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her
own defense.
'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92,
if he could screw, he could fly.'
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DVINNY
2-time 10K winner
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their
little angel appeared to be in good health, they were
concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently
declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the
problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast,
there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle
of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'
'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your
father.'
With some hesitation, they explained that although their
little angel appeared to be in good health, they were
concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently
declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the
problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast,
there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle
of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'
'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your
father.'
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DVINNY
2-time 10K winner
A man went to church one day and afterwards he stopped
to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll
tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you
didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that
sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
The preacher said, 'No ****?'
to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll
tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you
didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that
sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
The preacher said, 'No ****?'
DVINNY
2-time 10K winner
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her
daughter was having sex..
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely
impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very
wilful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably
result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her
daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk
to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a
date, the woman told her about the situation and handed
her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her
mother, saying,
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating
Susan!'
daughter was having sex..
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely
impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very
wilful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably
result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her
daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk
to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a
date, the woman told her about the situation and handed
her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her
mother, saying,
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating
Susan!'
>A father walks into a bookstore with his young son. The boy is holding a
>coin. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The
>father realizes the boy has swallowed the coin and starts panicking,
>shouting for help.
>
>A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business
>suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of
>coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup
>down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up
>from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.
>
>Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the
>boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and
>then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and
>coughs up the coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
>Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father
>and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
>
>As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the
>father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying , "I've
>never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are
>you a doctor?"
>
>"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney".
>coin. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The
>father realizes the boy has swallowed the coin and starts panicking,
>shouting for help.
>
>A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business
>suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of
>coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup
>down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up
>from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.
>
>Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the
>boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and
>then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and
>coughs up the coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
>Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father
>and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
>
>As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the
>father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying , "I've
>never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are
>you a doctor?"
>
>"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney".
cement
gray haired dude
14 Lesser Known Murphy's Laws
-------------------------
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
4. Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't.
5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
9. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.
11. Flashlight: A metal tube used to store dead batteries.
12. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
14. When you go to Court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
-------------------------
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
4. Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't.
5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
9. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.
11. Flashlight: A metal tube used to store dead batteries.
12. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
14. When you go to Court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Great College Football Traditions
College football is as much about pageantry and fan involvement as it is about the game. Onion Sports takes a look at some of college football's great traditions:
University of Kentucky: Fans show up at the stadium a little while before the game
UConn: Just moments prior to each contest, it is traditional for specially selected UConn players to participate in the fabled "coin toss"
Texas A&M: In a tradition called "yell practice," the student populace is re-taught how to spell the word "defense" in an exhaustive two-hour pregame ritual
Iowa: Fans all wear black or yellow sweatpants
Opponents of Clemson: Each night before visiting teams face Clemson, they perform the traditional custom of urinating all over Howard Rock
Michigan State: Entire student body comes down onto the field after every game and runs in circles until they collapse from dizziness
Princeton: On the morning before every game, hordes of Tiger fans gather together to close their eyes tightly and imagine what it must have been like to win the first national championship
Stanford: Cardinal fans are too smart to believe they can affect the outcome of the game, so they do not do anything
Michigan: A new tradition this year, students, players, and fans will surely be pumped seeing former coach Bo Schembechler's skull mounted above the home team's sideline
Notre Dame: As they leave the locker room, players reverently touch a sign reading "Act Like A Smug Arrogant ******* Despite Playing For A Drastically Overrated Team That Isn't Even Ranked In The Top 25 Today"
College football is as much about pageantry and fan involvement as it is about the game. Onion Sports takes a look at some of college football's great traditions:
University of Kentucky: Fans show up at the stadium a little while before the game
UConn: Just moments prior to each contest, it is traditional for specially selected UConn players to participate in the fabled "coin toss"
Texas A&M: In a tradition called "yell practice," the student populace is re-taught how to spell the word "defense" in an exhaustive two-hour pregame ritual
Iowa: Fans all wear black or yellow sweatpants
Opponents of Clemson: Each night before visiting teams face Clemson, they perform the traditional custom of urinating all over Howard Rock
Michigan State: Entire student body comes down onto the field after every game and runs in circles until they collapse from dizziness
Princeton: On the morning before every game, hordes of Tiger fans gather together to close their eyes tightly and imagine what it must have been like to win the first national championship
Stanford: Cardinal fans are too smart to believe they can affect the outcome of the game, so they do not do anything
Michigan: A new tradition this year, students, players, and fans will surely be pumped seeing former coach Bo Schembechler's skull mounted above the home team's sideline
Notre Dame: As they leave the locker room, players reverently touch a sign reading "Act Like A Smug Arrogant ******* Despite Playing For A Drastically Overrated Team That Isn't Even Ranked In The Top 25 Today"
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