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2G1C and Human Centipede marathon.

What should I do for Thanksgiving while the GF and puppies are out of town?

 
As much as will physically fit in your car!

When my wife and mother argue, who's side should I take? (assuming both have valid points in the arguement)

 
Your girlfriend's!

How should I keep warm while crawling under the car tonight to make repairs?

 
By burying it completely in the snow and making a snow cave to work from.

How can I convince the other half that we need to utilize movers instead of waiting for carpet installation and doing it all ourselves?

 
"You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here!"

How should I dress tomorrow morning... "Sock, Sock, Shoe, Shoe" or "Sock, Shoe, Sock, Shoe"?

 
Socks on hands, bare feet, one shoe.

Stay at work, or blow off priority item from coworker?

 
Go home and hand off the assignment to the receptionist.

What's the fastest way to thaw a turkey?

 
By dropping the frozen bird into a boiling pot of fry grease while everyone stands within 2' of the pot watching. Be sure to do it inside the home for best effects.

Why do I have to take a vacation day if I've worked 8 hours OT for the week?

 
Leave it be! The deep fryer will take care of all that ice.

Why do I have to take a vacation day if I've worked 8 hours OT for the week?

R&R is important! Don't worry, that last minute flight to the Bahamas and hotel stay can all be expensed to overhead when you return.

Stay at work, or sneak out early since all of the bosses are on vacation?

 
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Stay, but throw a big Thanksgiving celebration for everyone with lots of booze. Expense it. They should be thankfully they have such awesome employees, right?

Quickest way to heal whiplash?

 
Get hit sideways. That way, the side-to-side movement cancels out the front-to-back.

They just rescheduled some can't miss meetings during the week before Christmas which I was going to take off. What should I do?

 
Print a life-sized cut-out of yourself on the plotter and have a co-worker who is out of vacation time deliver it to all of the meetings. Everyone knows that any decisions made the week before Christmas will change after January 1st anyway.

How do I stop my dog from shedding?

 
The suck cut:
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How long should I cook my turkey?

 
A jar of tapeworms, to stay slim.

Help the vendor who FUBAR'd their procedures, or let them suffer until next week?

 
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