This Story Sucks

[Dleg]

klk was recovering well from her tasering, and sat in her bed in the castle, eating breakfast in the bright morning light, and talking to Goredalff, who was heavily bandaged, but still able to walk.

"I'm awfully sorry about that McKellom creep, Goredalff. I could have swore I locked his cell on my last trip out to the sub pen."

"That's alright. He's not much of a threat, and besides, what fun would we have in here if we killed off all of the bad guys? LOL!"

"Yeah, but PE_ness letting that Darth HVAC go... that was just too much. He's gonna be trouble."

"Oh, maybe. But not for some time. His armies are gone. It's just him, alone. In the mean time, I am sure we can restore our strength and be prepared for whatever he might come up with. The important thing is that He Who Must Not Be Named is now locked away forever, in his own universe."

"Yeah! And VTEnviro locked him in there with all that disgusting stuff!" klk laughed. "Hey, by the way, when are we having the awards feast?"

"Which one? LOL!"

"The big one, for everyone. I should get back to the sub pen so I can make sure everyone is invited."

"Oh, don't worry about that. Dleg is in there now, wrapping things up." Goredalff stood, with some help from his staff, and walked out of the room.

 

[Dleg]

Dleg sat with General Highway, Freon, The Dark Knight, Wolverine, Wilheld, Admiral Elcid, and Candy at a cafeteria table in the sub pen.

"It's pretty cool how VTEnviro discovered that we can come back into this world, as long as we're pulled through by someone inside one of the spheres." Admiral Elcid said, still in his civilian clothes he stole for the zombie gladiator match in DC.

"Yeah, we're free to come back, or even move back and forth between the two universes." Said Dleg.

Wolverine had a quizzical look on his face. "Now, Dleg, you were a mechanical engineer once. Tell me why that doesn't violate the Law of Conservation of Mass. Your old body was in DC, and still is, although probably decomposed. How can you re-enter the Earth in a new body, made up of different matter?"

The table erupted in laughter. "Shut up already, Wolverine!" General Highway laughed the loudest. "IT WORKS!"

"So Wilheld, I know you have said you have no interest in Middle Earth, and I hear the repairs to the Chucktown are going well. Seeing as how I'm not president of **** anymore, and the USA is overrun by a bunch of Europeans at the moment, I figured you might appreciate this." Dleg withdrew two official looking papers from his coat pocket.

"What are those?"

 

[Dleg]

"Letters of Marque." Dleg slid them over to him. "One for you, and one for the Clinton. You are free to roam the world's oceans as a privateer. And, if you feel like it, make an attempt to kick that Eurotrash out."

"But, Eurotrash girls are hot, and everyone's dead in the US now anyway." Protested Freon.

"Well, then feel free to take over, I guess. Europeans tend to be good followers, so as long as you are in charge, I assume it will work out. Besides, you've always wanted to try out that anarcho-capitalism thing, right?"

Wilheld grew visibly excited. "Oh, yes I have!"

Candy interrupted him. "But with Unions, right?"

"Yes, Dear." Wilheld lost a little enthusiasm.

 

[Dleg]

"General? What's your plan?" Dleg asked Highway.

"I think I might at least go inside and take a look around Middle West. Maybe I can help track down GT_ME. You said he's living in the caves up inside Lindor, right?"

"That's what we believe, but we really don't know." Dleg turned to Freon. "And you?"

"That depends on what the stormtroopers are doing." Responded Freon.

"I believe most of them are going to move into Middle West. I cut a deal, seeing how Middle West needs women."

"Well I'm there, then!" Freon said, enthusiastically. "What was the deal, by the way?"

 

[Dleg]

"I... " Dleg hesitated. "In exchange for a few of them becoming hobbits, I was asked to keep a secret, so I am afraid I cannot tell."

"So what's Roadguy going to do?" Asked the Dark Knight.

"I don't know!" Replied Dleg, laughing a little. "He's really hit it off with PE-ness, and they go out in the afternoons for drives in The Car. I have a feeling he might stay, but who knows." Dleg looked back at DK. "But what about you? We could really use you in there. And Wolverine, too."

The Dark Knight stiffened. "This world is a pretty messed up place now, but without He Who Must Not Be Named, it at least has a fighting chance! I can't just leave!"

"Understood. And you, Wolverine?"

"Sorry. The whole thing was preposterous to begin with. And to tell you the truth, I just can't stomach that Gore..."

 

[Dleg]

"Very well." Dleg knew there was no point trying to convince Wolverine. Snickerd came up to the table with a fresh pot of coffee.

"Anything else I can get for you sir?" She said, starting with Dleg.

"Snickerd, you know I'm not the president of **** anymore. You don't need to cater to me like that."

Snickerd put down the pot, and sat at the table. "Well, what am I going to do?"

Dleg reached into his pocket, and pulled out the HP-35S that Goredalff had given him, the same one VTEnviro found in the dirt of Middle Earth. "You were an engineer once, right?" Snickerd nodded. "The way I see it, Middle West needs engineers. Why don't you start on inventing the coffee percolator? I can't stand that Folgers stuff, anyway."

"Oh! Yes sir!" Snickerd stood and walked away, leaving the coffee pot behind.

Dleg called after her "Oh! And work on inventing the jelly filled donut, too!"

""I'll get right on that!"

 

[Dleg]

"Dleg! I have Queen Elizabeth here, as you requested!" Lt. Ble escorted an elderly woman to the table.

"Why you traitorous who-"

"Dleg!" snapped General Highway. "Don't you get it! She had nothing to do with this! She was held prisoner in here! You said yourself that the guy in the brochures looked just like her!" Dleg stared back, not comprehending. "So, that was just He Who Must Not Be Named, in drag!"

"So the Queen was a Queen?" Asked Wolverine, laughing.

"Yes, Dleg, I am terribly sorry about all of this" Queen Elizabeth said, politely. "I don't know how to make it up to you. But I can start, by traveling back with Wilheld, and revoking the Colonial Charters given out in my absence."

"Yeah, OK" Dleg shrugged. "But I'm getting tired of all this wrapping up loose ends stuff. Let's get back to Middle West and party!"

 

[Dleg]

The party was epic. Over 500 barrels of Ale were consumed. A half ton of pipeweed. Fifty roasted garden trolls, prepared by FLBuff using his secret troll marinade.

When it was midnight, it was time for the dead to depart. The knights bid tearful goodbyes to them, thanking them for their help, and begging them to stay. But, as benbo explained, they could not stay in Middle West, but must move on into the next universe, where, besides, there was plenty of women. And electricity. And running water. And television.

 

[Dleg]

The opening of Led Zepplin's "Ramble On" begins playing in the background...

Dleg rode outside the castle with Goredalff late the next morning. They passed the pipeweed fields and the exercise grounds, where the 500 female stormtroopers were doing their morning aerobics to stay fit. They passed former NSERB Chairman Supe, rubbing his centaur butt up against a tree trunk.

"DVINNY! You really should help Supe with that!"

"Fudge you, Gordalff!" The unicorn DVINNY replied.

"LOL!" Goredalff turned to Dleg, who was riding along on another Unicorn named Error Matrix. "So, are you still feeling marginalized, Dleg?"

"A little."

"I have an idea for you." Goredalff looked back into the distance.

"Oh?"

"Yes. Why don't you write the history of how Middle West came into being? And how women were introduced?"

"Hey! That's not a bad idea! I could start it: "It was a dark and stormy night"!"

"I have a better idea." Goredalff handed Dleg a blank book. "Here. I've already started it for you."

"Let me see..." Dleg took the book and read the one sentence Goredalff had written. "In the beginning..." Dleg looked back at Goredalff. "Oh..ho ho ho! That's trouble Goredalff!" Goredalff laughed. "I like it!"

Mine's a tale that can't be told, my freedom I hold dear.

How years ago in days of old, when magic filled the air.

T'was in the darkest depths of Lindor, I met a girl so fair.

But McKellom, and the evil one crept up and slipped away with her, her, her....yeah.

Ramble On, And now's the time, the time is now, to sing my song.

I'm goin' 'round the world, I got to find my girl, on my way.

I've been this way ten years to the day, Ramble On,

Gotta find the queen of all my dreams.

CREDITS ROLL

 

[Dleg]

CREDITS END, MUSIC FADES.

Wilheld steps out of the shower inside the Captain's quarters of the Chucktown, wrapped in a clean towel. The room is dark, lit only by a few candles on his dresser, and scented with incense.

"Finally! We're alone!"

Candy stands to greet him, also wrapped only in a towel. "I've been waiting for this moment for soooo long!" Candy drops her towel to the floor, and approaches Wilheld. The scene fades to black.

THE THEME FROM "THE CRYING GAME" STARTS...

 

[Dleg]

[SIZE=36pt]---***THE END***---[/SIZE]

 

[Dleg]

I regret I cannot participate in the end, because of the rules.... unless.....

 

[Dleg]

[SIZE=18pt]POSTSCRIPT[/SIZE]

 

[Dleg]

Admiral Captain Worley sat in the captain's lounge of the USS Clinton, drinking scotch with Chief Engineer Kevo.

Master Slacker entered the lounge. "Admiral, Sir! I have Captain Wilheld from the SSN Chucktown here to see you!"

"Let Wilheld in." Worley motioned with his drink.

 

[Dleg]

"Admiral!" Wilheld removed a sheet of paper from his jacket. "Dleg has freed us to roam to seas as privateers! This is your Letter of Marque!"

 

[Dleg]

A huge grin spread across Worley's face, and he stood and performed a little jig.

"We're gonna be pirates! We're gonna be pirates!" He sang.

 

[Dleg]

Kevo interrupted him. "But Worley..."

"Yes, Kevo, what is it?"

 

[Dleg]

"Isn't the Clinton a little big? A little awkward to be used as a privateer?"

 

[Dleg]

"Yeah? So what? Like we have any other choice?"

 

[Dleg]

"Well, sir, when I designed it," Kevo rubbed his neck, and cleared his throat. "I didn't think a treadmill aircraft carrier would ever, you know, actually work."