FBI Job interview

[StructuralPoke]

Supposedly a real post on Craigslist -- It's funny and I'm too lazy to run snopes on it...

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More advice for woman seeking $500K+ man, RE:431649184 (Midtown East)

Reply to: [email protected]

Date: 2007-10-05, 5:40PM EDT

Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy. I'm not from New York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?

Here are my questions specifically:

- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms

-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my feelings

-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?

- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story there?

- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?

- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY

Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.

PostingID: 432279810

THE ANSWER

Dear Pers-431649184:

I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament. Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a cr@ppy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful" as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way. Classic "pump and dump." I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.

 

[DVINNY]

A recent study conducted by Harvard University found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study by the American Medical Association found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

This means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind Of Makes You Proud To Be An American...

 

[DVINNY]

Subject: Just Married

A man met a beautiful lady and decided he

wanted to marry her right away.

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each

other.'

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each

other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they

went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got

up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and

did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations

in the pike position, at which point he straightened out

and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay

down on the towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion.

You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we

went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing

lengths.

After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the

pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic

endurance swimmer?'

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Memphis but I

worked both sides of the Mississippi River.

 

[FusionWhite]

DIVORCE VS. MURDER
A nice, calm and respectable little lady went into the pharmacy,

walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,

'I would like to buy some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your

husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of badthings will happen.

Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,

'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'

Im forwarding this one to my FIL. Hes a pharmacist and would probably love it.

 

[Sschell]

TEA FOR DADDY

One day my Mother was out and my Dad was in charge of

me and my older brother.

I was maybe 1 and half years old and had just

recovered from an accident in which my arm had been

broken among other injuries.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well

gift and it was one of my favourite new toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening

news and my brother was playing nearby when I brought

Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such

yummy tea, my Mom came home.

Dad had her wait in the living room to watch me bring

him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest

thing!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the

hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him

drink it up, and then she says,

'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that

baby can reach to get water is the toilet??........

 

[frazil]

:appl:

 

[bigray76]

A guy was in the line at the supermarket, when he noticed a beautiful blond woman smiling and waving at him.

So he says, "Do I know you?"

She replies. "I may be mistaken, but I think you may be the father of one of my children."

Instantly his mind shoots back to the one and only time he had been unfaithful.

"Christ!" he says. "Are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I had sex with on Joe's pool table in front of all my buddies while your girlfriend spanked me with wet celery and stuck a cucumber in my ass?"

"No" she replies. "I'm your daughter's second grade teacher."

 

[FLBuff PE]

^^^'Doh!

 

[DVINNY]

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When s he gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch..'

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!



THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

 

[Guest]

^^^ Those are pretty good!

My contribution for the day:

Spoiler

Did you hear the one about the prostitute with a colostomy bag? She was getting a little on the side ...

Yeah .. it's covered up for good reason, so read with CAUTION.

JR

 

[TXengrChickPE]

This one is pretty clean compared to most... but still funny as hell!

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...

Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes sir.'

Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

:Locolaugh:

 

[DVINNY]

^^ I hope that is true.

 

[FusionWhite]

Heres lesson 7:

One day a fly was buzzing around a barnyard. When it looked down it saw a HUGE pile of cow shit piled up next to the barn. Quickly swooping in the fly landed and began chowing down on the cow pie. After a few minutes the fly was full and began flapping its wings to take off. However the fly had eaten too much and was over loaded with crap.

Looking around the fly noticed a shovel leaning against the barn. Thinking that if he could climb up to the top of the shovel handle and get a running start he would be able to get off the ground and fly. So the fly waddles himself over to the shovel and climbs up to the top. He gets a big running start and jumps off the shovel and flaps his wings furiously. After hovering for a few seconds the cow shit filled fly spun out of control and splattered on the ground.

Moral of the story:

Don’t fly off the handle when you know your full of shit.

 

[Wolverine]

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

"Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

'If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'

Willing to try anything, I fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will this take?' I asked.

'They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.

I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?''

Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your butt, didn't it?'

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man."

 

[sehad]

THIS POST IS AWESOME! However it has wasted about an hour of my work day. Wish I would have found this board earlier!

 

[DVINNY]

Guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said,

'Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'

The social worker behind the counter said, 'Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his

Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges.

You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,00 0 a year.'

The guy, wide-eyed, said, 'You're bullshittin' me!'

The social worker said, 'Yeah, well . . . you started it

 

[DVINNY]

Ancient Indian knowledge

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After

They got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,

'Kemosabe, look towards sky; what you see?'

The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,

'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of

Galaxies.. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past Three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all powerful , And we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we Will h ave a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Tonto?'

'You dumber than buffalo shit. Someone stole tent.'

 

[Dark Knight]

^^^^Lone Ranger and Tonto...The Sequel

That very morning, after riding until dawn thru the desert The Lone Ranger went to take a leak behind a small cactus. He was so concentrated on the task at hand that did not see a rattle snake on the base of the cactus.

Wham....the snake did bite The Lone Ranger on the tip of the...well...you know where...let us say the tip of his...yeah...there. Tonto came running and said:" Kemosabi...do not worry. There is a village about 10 miles South of here. The Healer there be the best on the region. Tonto asking him how to save you"

And just like that Tonto rode his horse to the village and asked the Healer, who replied: "You sucking the venom from the area snake did bite"

And there goes Tonto again, riding 10 more miles back to where he left The Lone Ranger. He saw his friend already suffering the effects of the snake's venom. The Lone Ranger asks Tonto...."What did he say. How are you saving me?"

Tonto replied: "Kemosabi, he said you are screwed. You are going to die"

 

[DVINNY]

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official;

'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied;

'When white man find land, Indians running it,

no taxes, no debt,

plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water.

Women did all the work,

Medicine man free.

Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled;

'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'

 

[cement]

The indian boy asked the tribal elder about how names were given.

"The first thing the medicine man sees after the birth of a child determines a child's name" the elder answered.

"The day your father was born, the medicine man saw a soaring eagle, and that is how he got his name, Soaring Eagle." He continued.

"The day you mother was born, a leaning tree caught his eyes, and her name, Leaning Tree was given."

"And our chief must have been born on a rainy day to be given a name like Storm Cloud."

"Does this answer your question, Two Dogs F*cking?"