FBI Job interview

[DVINNY]

The little boy (who had been looking out the window of the airplane) turned to his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?'

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant, so the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant.

The flight attendant, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, 'I saw you talking with your mom- Did your Mom tell you to ask me?' The boy said, 'yes she did.'

'Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you.'

 

[sehad]

The little boy (who had been looking out the window of the airplane) turned to his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?'
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant, so the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant.

The flight attendant, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, 'I saw you talking with your mom- Did your Mom tell you to ask me?' The boy said, 'yes she did.'

'Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you.'

:Locolaugh: :appl:

 

[DVINNY]

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mummy, I was at the playground

and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the rigs.'

Mummy fainted!

Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut the f##k up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

 

[DVINNY]

http://www.funmansion.com/videos/buns_in_t...ring_break.html

 

[DVINNY]

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1812805

 

[maryannette]

^^ I can't get there from here, but the printed one is good. Thanks for the early morning laugh.

 

[DVINNY]

^ sounds like someone we know has been single for 4 months.

 

[bigray76]

^^^Freaking hilarious!

 

[DVINNY]

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.' On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a "Queen", so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch'

 

[sehad]

Sounds like that guy had some MAJOR issues with the phone calls

 

[klk]

Wow! Assuming that guy leaving those messages was for real, he needs a major reality check!

 

[DVINNY]

A woman had a facelift for her 50th birthday.

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'

'About 32,' is the reply.

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really go od about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an

old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies,'I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosi ty gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay...How old am I?' He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't,' she says.

'I was behind you in McDonald's.'.....

 

[What!!]

A woman had a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'

'About 32,' is the reply.

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really go od about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an

old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies,'I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosi ty gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay...How old am I?' He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't,' she says.

'I was behind you in McDonald's.'.....

:bowdown: 10940623:

 

[DVINNY]

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the

difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if

she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million

dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a

million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt

for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to

fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy the n went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad

Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him

in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad

Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would

buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between

'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million

dollars .

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a homo.

 

[TXengrChickPE]

40 YEARS OF MARRIAGE

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband. The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.....

 

[roadwreck]

A little boy is standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying. A priest approaches and says: "My child, why are you so upset?"

The boy tells him: "My mummy and daddy were in their car, and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there."

The priest slowly looks around him while unbuttoning his cassock and says: "It's just not your day, is it?"

 

[sehad]

A little boy is standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying. A priest approaches and says: "My child, why are you so upset?"
The boy tells him: "My mummy and daddy were in their car, and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there."

The priest slowly looks around him while unbuttoning his cassock and says: "It's just not your day, is it?"

:Locolaugh: That's just wrong

 

[DVINNY]

oh damn.

LMFAO.

 

[Dleg]

Father Nelson is sitting in the confessional booth on a particularly long, hot day of confessions. It seemed everyone in his parish had decided that day that enough was enough, and the guilt had piled up so high that they just had to come in and get it off their chests. Which, of course, he didn't mind. But it was already 11:15 a.m., and those three cups of coffee he had drunk to wear off the hangover from the rectory wine was getting to him.

He needed to take a dump. Badly.

Looking around during the elderly Mrs. Bateman's confessions of cheating while playing bridge, he spied two of his altar boys cleaning the church. He leaned out of the confessional and silently, but urgently motioned to the nearest one to come over to him.

Mrs. Bateman had just finished up, so he told her to go home and perform three "Our Fathers" and six "Hail Marys", and then got out and whispered to the altar boy to take over for him. The altar boy was reluctant and said there was no way, he couldn't do that, but the priest insisted. "It's all right" he whispered, "just listen to their confessions, and then tell them to go home and perform some Our Fathers and Hail Marys."

"But - but ...." but it was too late, the Priest had silently run off to the restroom.

So the altar boy sits down in the confessional, clears his throat, and in his best imitation of the old priest, says "Yes my son, uh, what can I do for you today?"

The person on the other side was a grown man, whom the altar boy recognized from the congregation, but did not know. He started "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have committed adultery"

The altar boy couldn't help but be interested. "Well, uh, what exactly did you do?"

"Father, I had, um sexual contact with an unmarried woman I met at a bar"

"Well my son, the Lord requires more , uh, detail than that."

"Father, I - I ... I had oral sex with her."

"More detail, my son. Was it you, um, doing it to her?"

"Well, Father, do I really need to say..."

The altar boy was getting pretty interested by now, and blurted out:

"Yes my son! The Lord must know exactly what it is you are confessing to!"

"Well, OK Father, I let ... I let ..."

"Yes, yes! Go on!"

"I let this woman, um, (whispering) suck on my you know what"

"Really??"

"Yes, Father."

"And then what did you do?"

"Nothing Father, I swear!" A note of desperation sounded in the man's voice.

"OK, my son. Do you have any other confessions about anything else, like other women?"

"No, Father, really! I feel terrible about this!" The man began to sob. "Please, Father, what do I do? Please help the Lord forgive me!"

"Uh, OK, uh hang on a minute"

By this time, of course, the altar boy had forgotten what the priest had told him about the Our Fathers and Hail Marys, so, thinking quickly, he poked his head out the other side of the curtain to motion the other altar boy over.

"Quick! What does Father Nelson give for a blowjob?!" he whispered.

The other altar boy leaned over and whispered into the first one's ears "Well I don't know about you, but I usually get a pack of cigarettes and two tickets to the ball game."

 

[maryannette]

Imagine ... a priest drinking too much wine!!!!!!!!