DVINNY
2-time 10K winner
I didn't know "BUTTHEAD" was going to post the daggone thing
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- Thread starter DVINNY
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Help Support Professional Engineer & PE Exam Forum:
Master slacker
Something awesome.
Okay. I guess I now know my limits. 
______________________________
While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.
Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan '
An old MSgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '
When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'
'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'
'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think
with only women up there in the cockpit.'
'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member,
'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit'
'It's The Box Office.'
______________________________
While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.
Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan '
An old MSgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '
When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'
'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'
'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think
with only women up there in the cockpit.'
'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member,
'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit'
'It's The Box Office.'
Master slacker
Something awesome.
One more before din-din.
___________________________
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey, "Hey! What are you doing?" The monkey says, "smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few tokes together.
After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and that he's going to get a drink from the river. The lizard climbs down the tree, ditty bops on through the jungle to the river and leans over the river to get his drink. Well, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in a tree and smoking a joint with the monkey and got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he's gotta check this hippie monkey out and walks off into the jungle where he finds the tree where the monkey is still sitting and toking on the joint. he looks up and says, "Hey you!" The monkey looks down and says, "SHHHHHHHHHHIT dude............. how much water did you drink?!!"
___________________________
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey, "Hey! What are you doing?" The monkey says, "smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few tokes together.
After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and that he's going to get a drink from the river. The lizard climbs down the tree, ditty bops on through the jungle to the river and leans over the river to get his drink. Well, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in a tree and smoking a joint with the monkey and got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he's gotta check this hippie monkey out and walks off into the jungle where he finds the tree where the monkey is still sitting and toking on the joint. he looks up and says, "Hey you!" The monkey looks down and says, "SHHHHHHHHHHIT dude............. how much water did you drink?!!"
RIP - VTEnviro
His Memory Eternal
Master slacker
Something awesome.
No... take 5!
ba-dum-dum-crash!
ba-dum-dum-crash!
maryannette
Wise One
I might have gotten offended in a different life, but not this one.
Master slacker
Something awesome.
HAPPY WEDNESDAY!
________________________
A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Montreal.
It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.
"Mom" said the boy "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work" she replied.
The taxi driver turns around and says "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth?
They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money.."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says "Is that true Mom?"
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asks "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?"
"Most of them become taxi drivers" she said.
________________________
A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Montreal.
It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.
"Mom" said the boy "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work" she replied.
The taxi driver turns around and says "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth?
They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money.."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says "Is that true Mom?"
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asks "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?"
"Most of them become taxi drivers" she said.
DVINNY
2-time 10K winner
^^^^ GO MOM !!!!!!!!!! LOL
DVINNY
2-time 10K winner
Here's another that will offend several. (there is a 'suggestive material' warning on this thread, so don't come in to read if easily offended)
DVINNY
2-time 10K winner
this one might be illustrated by Ben Roethlesberger.
D
Dexman PE
Another short book:
Guide to Fatty Money
By rppearso
Guide to Fatty Money
By rppearso
Master slacker
Something awesome.
Master slacker
Something awesome.
Today f'ing sucks, so let's inject something of a funny.
________________________________
I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".
"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.
"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."
She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".
"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.
She teased me saying that tubby, grey haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.
Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"
So I told her to fcuk off.
________________________________
I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".
"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.
"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."
She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".
"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.
She teased me saying that tubby, grey haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.
Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"
So I told her to fcuk off.
jeb6294
Well-known member
RIP - VTEnviro
His Memory Eternal
Coherent Late Night Message Board Posts
by He Who Shall Not Be Named
by He Who Shall Not Be Named
maryannette
Wise One
9-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. Joey said, "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across safely. He used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call in an air strike. They sent in bombers to blow up the bridge, and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
"Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
maryannette
Wise One
HOW TO TELL IF YOU'RE A SECRET REDNECK JEDI
If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..."
If you ever said the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
Wookiees are offended by your B.O.
You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.
You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..."
If you ever said the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
Wookiees are offended by your B.O.
You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.
You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
Master slacker
Something awesome.
Let's warm up first on this cold day...
_______________________________
Two blonds walk into a building.
_______________________________
Two blonds walk into a building.
Master slacker
Something awesome.
Now that we're warmed up...
__________________________
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?' The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.
'So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'
The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The girl replied, 'Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?'
The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?'
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his Dad.
His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?'
The boy replied, 'Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two hookers and a homo.
__________________________
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?' The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.
'So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'
The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The girl replied, 'Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?'
The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?'
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his Dad.
His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?'
The boy replied, 'Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two hookers and a homo.
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