FBI Job interview

[roadwreck]

A Cow based Economics Lesson:

SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

You sell them and retire on the income.

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.

No balance sheet provided with the release.

The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM

You have two giraffes.

The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you

want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.

You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.

You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.

You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.

You tell them that you have none.

No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.

You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Business seems pretty good.

You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows.

The one on the left looks very attractive.

 

[Master slacker]

This is a word to the wise for all my forum friends. I would like to share an experience with you, it has to do with drinking and driving.

As you know some of us have had brushes with the authorities over the years. The other night I was out for dinner with a few friends. After consuming way too many cocktails and knowing full well that I was wasted I did something I've never done before. Believe it or not, MS took the bus home.

Yes, a bus. I arrived home safely without incident. This was really a surprise to me since I have never driven a bus before.

 

[Master slacker]

I title this poem That High

I turned down my tv because i couldn't taste my mac n cheese.

That high.

I got depressed because i realized snakes are just tails with faces.

That high.

My parents asked why my eyes were so red, I told them because I have lazer vision.

That high.

Four of my friends and me were smoking. Went to fast food drive thru. Didn't feel like figuring out how to split the bill between us so we just went thru it 5 times. On the third time the cashier asked us how high we were.

That high.

When we were pulling into the driveway, I saw that my mom's car wasn't there. I yelled HELL YEA MOMs NOT HOME!... she was driving me.

That high.

Was watching a movie with about 5 other people. About half an hour in, someone pointed out that it was on mute. None of us had noticed.

That high.

Looked at the clock it said "10:00", 20 minutes later, looked at it again and it said, "10:03".

That high.

My boss asked me why my eyes were red, i said I have allergies, he asked what i was allergic to, i said weed.

That high.

 

[Master slacker]

<WARNING> Tasteless, classless joke ahead <WARNING>

What do you call an older woman who goes after younger men? A cougar?

What do you call an older man who goes after younger men? A NITTANY LION.

 

[DVINNY]

^ OUCH.

of course, I've been told all the good ones.

 

[Master slacker]

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

Man: "What are you doing here today?"

Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."

Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.

Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"

Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."

 

[Master slacker]

Fine fine fine. deleted

 

[Dark Knight]

^^^You did not have to, but you did. My sense of humor is not something to call home about anyways. lusone: for you.

 

[roadwreck]

Maybe this belongs in the funny pic thread, but it seemed to fit here today

 

[DVINNY]

Master Slacker,

Jerry Sandusky would have thought it was funny.

But it was just a joke. Not something that Mike McQueary would have to run home and tell dad about.

..... of course, the only thing that really ever offends me, is people that are easily offended.

 

[Master slacker]

I'll get some more raunchy ones up soon enough.

 

[Dexman PE PMP]

Damn, I missed it...

 

[Master slacker]

Does anyone have a limit of crudeness request? Are "adult relations" fair game? What about the ones that are illegal in 27 states?

 

[Dexman PE PMP]

It takes quite a bit to offend me, to the point that I don't think I've ever been offended by a joke yet...

 

[Dark Knight]

I was not offended. Let me say that for the record. But did not find it funny. Maybe I am just showing my age or that I have a personal code about kid's jokes. Again, just showing my age. MS was not obligated to delete it but he did. That gesture is appreciated.

 

[Master slacker]

It takes quite a bit to offend me, to the point that I don't think I've ever been offended by a joke yet...

Here's one that will. Scroll down...

<WARNING> OFFENSIVE JOKE AHEAD <WARNING>

Dexman's face.

 

[jeb6294]

I have sex with women and then I get paid for my services.....but being a mortician isn't always fun and games.

 

[pbrme]

Damn, I missed it...

Me too.

For the record, I am not offended by anything... all over your face

 

[Master slacker]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating, and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital, and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to thank my wife and remind her the word is 'sternum'."

 

[Master slacker]

Two old ladies outside a nursing home smoking when it starts to rain. One lady pulls out a condom, cuts the end & put it over her Cig, continued smoking.

Her friend asks, "What's that?"

"A condom so my Cig doesn't get wet."

"Where u get it?"she asked her friend.

"You get them at a drug store."

The next day the old lady goes to a drug store, asks the pharmacist for condoms, who is surprised. He looks at her strangely, as she is well over 80 years old, but asks her "What brand?"

"Doesn't matter, as long as it fits a Camel"she said.

The pharmacist fainted...