FBI Job interview

[Master slacker]

Dearest Redneck Son,

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Auburn family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address..

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down!

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt,

Mom

 

[MA_PE]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in Court, word for word, taken down and now published by Court Reporters.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes . ;

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

____________________________ ______ _________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shi**ing me?

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

___________________________________ ______ ___

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS : The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

[DVINNY]

I hope those are true, especially that last one

 

[roadwreck]

Sexually suggestive lines from the three (real) Star Wars movies

Star Wars

10. "Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!"

9. "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"

8. "Put that thing away before you get us all killed."

7. "You've got something jammed in here real good."

6. "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"

5. "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."

4. "Sorry about the mess..."

3. "Look at the size of that thing!"

2. "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"

1. "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."

The Empire Strikes Back

10. "I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me."

9. "Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"

8. "There's an awful lot of moisture in here."

7. "But now we must eat. Cum, good food, cumm..."

6. "That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while."

5. "Hurry up, golden-rod..."

4. "I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up

like that, huh kid?"

3. "Possible he came in through the south entrance."

2. "And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!"

1. "Control, control! You must learn control!"

Return of the Jedi

10. "Hey, point that thing someplace else."

9. "I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call

me master."

8. "I never knew I had it in me."

7. "There is good in him, I've felt it."

6. "Grab me, Chewie. I'm slipping-hold on. Grab it, almost...you almost

got it. Gently now, all right, easy, easy, hold me Chewie."

5. "Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me-now I owe you one."

4. "Back door, huh? Good idea!"

3. "She's gonna blow!"

2. "I think you'll fit in nicely."

1. "Rise, my friend."

And, of course, one they missed:

"Pull out, Wedge! You're not doing any good back there!"

 

[Master slacker]

Happy Friday!

_________________

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I'm glad to see you've regained consciousness. You probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it".

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1,000 an inch".

The man perks up.

"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. I understand that you've been married for over forty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day and asks, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes, I have." says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes." says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite countertops."

 

[RIP - VTEnviro]

Thanks RW, I love that one and haven't seen it since HS.

 

[Master slacker]

An lawyer invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him in his mountain cabin. Early in the morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they were picking blueberries, along came two big Bears - a male and a female. The lawyer, seeing the two bears, climbed a tree.

His friend wasn't so lucky and the female bear caught him and swallowed him whole.

The lawyer drove his car to town as fast has he could to get a policeman. The policeman took his gun and ran to the berry patch with the lawyer.

Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" said the lawyer, pointing to the male.

The policeman looked at the bears, took careful aim with his gun, and SHOT THE FEMALE.

"What did you do that for!" shouted the lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear!"

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(wait for it)

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(wait for it)

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"Exactly," answered the policeman. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"

 

[MA_PE]

Dear Noah,

We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.

Sincerely,

Unicorns

Dear Twilight Fans,

Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasizing about that.

Sincerely,

Logic

Dear Icebergs,

Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.

Sincerely,

The Titanic

Dear Yahoo,

I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just

saying...

Sincerely,

Google

Dear 2010,

So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!

Sincerely,

1985

Dear Windshield Wipers,

Can't touch this.

Sincerely,

That Little Triangle

Dear girls who have been dumped,

There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.

Sincerely,

BP

Dear Saturn,

I liked it, so I put a ring on it.

Sincerely,

God

Dear Michael Jackson,

You really should have become a Catholic Priest. The pay isn't great, but the benefits....

Sincerely,

The Pope

Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn,

Please lknvfdmv.xvn.

Sincerely,

Stevie Wonder

Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids,

Please make one for every skin color.

Sincerely,

Black people

Dear Customers,

Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.

Sincerely,

Nail Salon Ladies

Dear Global Warming,

You're the best imaginary friend ever!

Sincerely, > Al Gore

Dear Haiti ,

Is it too early to ask what's shakin'?

Sincerely,

Seriously Going To Hell

Dear Martin Luther King Jr.

I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream.... What now?

Sincerely,

Leonardo Di Caprio

Dear World,

Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars ends there because some Spanish douche bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?

Sincerely,

The Mayans

Dear White People,

Don't you just hate immigrants?

Sincerely,

Native Americans

Dear Twihards,

If he sparkles, he's probably one of ours.

Sincerely,

Gay Men Of America

Dear iPhone,

Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut.

Sincerely,

Every iPhone User

Dear Giant Spider on the Wall,

Please die. Please die. Please die. Please die. CRAP! Where did you go?

Sincerely,

Terrified

Dear Trash,

At least you get picked up...

Sincerely,

The Girls of Jersey Shore

Dear Man,

It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?

Sincerely,

Elephant

Dear Dr. Phil,

Look man, there's only room for one fake doctor in this world and I was here first.

Sincerely,

Dr. Pepper

 

[Ble_PE]

Not sure if it's been posted but:

Different ways of looking at things

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

___________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked:

'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'

The father replied.

'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'

___________________________________________

'Mr.Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said,

'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said.

'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

___________________________________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room,

took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband.

'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

___________________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a

curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words

that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation,

'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

___________________________________________

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.

___________________________________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll

take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

___________________________________________

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know.

But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

___________________________________________

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

___________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse

appears and asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor

used in surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'

___________________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display

of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since

I had even considered buying a bathing suit,

so I sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked.

'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied.

'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.

___________________________________________

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was

massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning,

accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,

'Well, she's there.'

 

[Ble_PE]

Mrs. Ble got a kick out of these:

10 Things to Never Say to a Stay at Home Mom

1. When the kids are older, do you think you'll get a real job?

2. How June Cleaver of you!

3. Oh, so you don't work?

4. Since you have extra time on your hands, could you whip up a few dozen brownies for the bake sale tomorrow?

5. All day with your kids? I can't even imagine.

6. I'm jealous. I wish my husband were rich so I wouldn't have to work either.

7. What do you do all day, anyway?

8. I'm sure you're not the only one who's ever wasted money on a college degree.

9. That explains why your son is so clingy!

10. Weird. I assumed your house would be superclean.

 

[DVINNY]

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “Hey bartender, I bet you $50 I could lick my eyeball” So the bartender says, “You’re on.”

The guy removes his glass eye, licks it, and pops it back in. The bartender laughs and willingly gives the guy his cash. The next day, the guy walks in again with another bet.

“Bartender, I bet you $100 I could bite my elbow.” The bartender agrees. So the guys pulls out his dentures, bites his elbow, and pops them back in. The bartender laughs and grudgingly forks over the $100.

The next day the same guy walks in and says “Bartender, I bet you $500 I could place a shot glass at the end of the bar and piss in it from here without spilling a drop.” So the bartender thinks this is a no lose situation.

He agrees. So the guy stands on the bar, pulls down his drawers and proceeds to piss all over the place. He pees all over the bartender, the customers, in peoples drinks… everywhere. The bartender is rolling on the floor with laughter. “You owe me $500!”

“That’s ok,” says the guy, “I just bet those two guys at the end of the bar I could piss on you and still make you laugh!”

 

[jeb6294]

One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments. David, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night.This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I.'

The Postman thinks a moment then asks, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'

'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole. Then the women try to guess who it is.'

The postman laughed and said,' Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'

'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded.

'Your name came up 7 times.'

 

[jeb6294]

An Alberta cowboy walked into a drug store in Vancouver and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help him.

The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional, and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The cowboy then agreed and began by saying, “This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a, uh, permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems, and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.”

The pharmacist said, “Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.”

When she returned, she said, “We discussed it at length, and the absolute best we can do is as follows:

-1/3 ownership in the store

-A company pickup truck

-Two home cooked dinners a week

-And $3,000 a month in living expenses."

 

[jeb6294]

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, 'what the heck', and I started jumping up and down along with her.

She said, 'I have some really great news!'

I said, 'Great. Tell me why you're so happy.'

She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down and told me that she was pregnant.

I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her, 'That's great I couldn't be happier for you!'

Then she said, 'There's more'

I asked, What do you mean there's more..

She said, 'Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!'

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.. She said...

I went to Sam's Club and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!

 

[jeb6294]

Towards the end of a round of golf, Dave hit his ball into the woods and

found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball

back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the

patch.

All of a sudden ... POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old

woman appeared.

She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make

those buttercups?! Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter

for your popcorn for the rest of your life... Better still, you won't

have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.... As a matter of

fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!'

Then POOF! .... She was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred,

where are you?'

Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussywillows.'

Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred!' FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T

SWING!!!'

 

[jeb6294]

This guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front

door.

There are two sheriff's deputies there; he asks if there is a problem.

One of the deputies asks if he is

married, and if so, can he see a picture of his wife.

The guy says "sure " and shows him a picture of his wife. The sheriff

says,

"I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."

The guy says, " I know, but she has a great personality and is an

excellent cook."

 

[maryannette]

ha ha ha

 

[MA_PE]

A woman goes into a Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind. But if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50."

 

[MA_PE]

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they arrived home, the mailman was dead on their porch.

 

[jeb6294]

A man walks into the store and is greeted by the lady behind the counter.

She asks, "Sir, Can I help you find something?"

The man replies, "My wife asked me to get her some tampons"

The lady shows the man the feminine products isle and goes back to her register.

A few minutes later, the man comes up with a bag of cotton balls and some yarn.

Puzzled, the lady says, "Sir, I thought your wife wanted tampons?"

He replies, "Well, yesterday I asked my wife to pick me up a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a pouch of tobacco and some papers because they were soooooooo much cheaper. If I have to roll my own, so does she!"