TouchDown
Is it Friday yet?
Oh, that's classic. Funny!
FBI Job interview
- Thread starter DVINNY
- Start date
Help Support Professional Engineer & PE Exam Forum:
TouchDown
Is it Friday yet?
The Man Rules
Please note.. these are all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem ONLY if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or motor sports.
Please note.. these are all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem ONLY if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or motor sports.
TouchDown
Is it Friday yet?
A wealthy Old Gentleman decides to go on a hunting safari in Africa , taking his faithful, elderly dog named Killer, along for the company.
One day the old dog starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old dog thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old dog exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old dog nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes, but the old dog sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine! "
Now, the old dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old dog says...
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard! "
One day the old dog starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old dog thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old dog exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old dog nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes, but the old dog sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine! "
Now, the old dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old dog says...
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard! "
What!!
Well-known member
Awesome :appl:
From my email, straight to you
A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'
The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,
'In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'
God Bless America
A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'
The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,
'In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'
God Bless America
DVINNY
2-time 10K winner
^^ That's my girl
DVINNY
2-time 10K winner
Original ad:
From Mike Partlow to ************@********.org
Hey,
I am interested in your truck. How many miles does it have on it?
Mike
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
do you have a number you can be reached at?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
Yes I do. My number is (***)-492-159.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
that isnt a phone nubmer there arent enough numbers
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
That is my phone number. You can get a number with less digits for a small monthly fee, which I am paying for.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
well i dont think its working i tried calling and it said its not a number
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
Did you dial 1 first?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
i just tried that and it is not working
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
Wait are you calling from Philly?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
yes
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
Oh, my mistake. Since you are calling from Philly, you have to dial a 6 first, followed by the pound sign, and then my number.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
IT ISNT WORKING
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
Shit, do you just want my office number? It is a little complicated.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
yeah fine give me that
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
You have to call my office at (215)-592-**** and then put in extension 4491-2938 followed by the pound sign to be transferred to the Human Resources department. Once you are transferred there, you need to enter this pin as the security access code: 2A11-3D58-2F41-FW31. You will be put through to Katie, our receptionist. She is going to ask you a series of questions to confirm you are not a machine. Upon confirmation, tell her that you want to speak to Richard, tell him Mike sent you. When Richard gets on, ask him to page Mike Partlow. Use this code as a reference: 8281-WK82F. It should take about two minutes upon me receiving the page to make it to the secure office phone. I can only talk on that phone for about 15 seconds, so I will give you a randomly generated payphone number for you to call me on. I will then run down to the lobby and pick up the payphone, and then we can talk. Got it?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
it says that is not a working number
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
Did you dial 1 first?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
fuck this. forget it
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
Wait, I also have a pager number. Do you want that instead?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From Mike Partlow to ************@********.org
Hey,
I am interested in your truck. How many miles does it have on it?
Mike
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
do you have a number you can be reached at?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
Yes I do. My number is (***)-492-159.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
that isnt a phone nubmer there arent enough numbers
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
That is my phone number. You can get a number with less digits for a small monthly fee, which I am paying for.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
well i dont think its working i tried calling and it said its not a number
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
Did you dial 1 first?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
i just tried that and it is not working
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
Wait are you calling from Philly?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
yes
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
Oh, my mistake. Since you are calling from Philly, you have to dial a 6 first, followed by the pound sign, and then my number.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
IT ISNT WORKING
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
Shit, do you just want my office number? It is a little complicated.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
yeah fine give me that
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
You have to call my office at (215)-592-**** and then put in extension 4491-2938 followed by the pound sign to be transferred to the Human Resources department. Once you are transferred there, you need to enter this pin as the security access code: 2A11-3D58-2F41-FW31. You will be put through to Katie, our receptionist. She is going to ask you a series of questions to confirm you are not a machine. Upon confirmation, tell her that you want to speak to Richard, tell him Mike sent you. When Richard gets on, ask him to page Mike Partlow. Use this code as a reference: 8281-WK82F. It should take about two minutes upon me receiving the page to make it to the secure office phone. I can only talk on that phone for about 15 seconds, so I will give you a randomly generated payphone number for you to call me on. I will then run down to the lobby and pick up the payphone, and then we can talk. Got it?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
it says that is not a working number
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
Did you dial 1 first?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
fuck this. forget it
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
Wait, I also have a pager number. Do you want that instead?
Last edited by a moderator:
TouchDown
Is it Friday yet?
Jim and Bob are golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine and climbs down in search of it.
Jim spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.
Jim calls out to Bob in an agitated voice, "Hey Bob, I got trouble down here."
Bob calls out, "What's the matter Jim?"
Jim shouts back, "Throw me my 7-iron. You can't get out of here with an 8-iron."
Jim spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.
Jim calls out to Bob in an agitated voice, "Hey Bob, I got trouble down here."
Bob calls out, "What's the matter Jim?"
Jim shouts back, "Throw me my 7-iron. You can't get out of here with an 8-iron."
cement
gray haired dude
^ now that's an engineer!
Last edited by a moderator:
C
cdnEngr
Wow, this is so offensive. I can't believe that the owners of this board will allow this - in this day and age.
jmbeck
Well-known member
What are you, a fag or something?
I can't believe that someone would get offended by a post in a joke forum that is dripping with satire, in this day and age.
Besides, there is no discrimination or bigotry on eb.com. Here, we are all equally useless, lest we wouldn't have the time to be on here all day, every day. In fact, one of the moderators is an outed scrapbooker.
Last edited by a moderator:
G
Guest
RIP - VTEnviro
His Memory Eternal
:laugh: :appl:
cement
gray haired dude
I find a sense of humor to be very valuble in the practice of engineering.
maybe you don't need one. It appears that you are functioning without one cdn. good luck out there!
maybe you don't need one. It appears that you are functioning without one cdn. good luck out there!
DVINNY
2-time 10K winner
The Itch
Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon
Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for
his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the
Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that
he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost
him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the
scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit
into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching
commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to
address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a
special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and
that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote
to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.
Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put
into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the
Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually
relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to
his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins.
With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing
that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh
told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into
the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.
The moral of the story............
Pay your bills!!
Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon
Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for
his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the
Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that
he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost
him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the
scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit
into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching
commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to
address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a
special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and
that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote
to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.
Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put
into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the
Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually
relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to
his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins.
With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing
that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh
told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into
the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.
The moral of the story............
Pay your bills!!
A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door. It's
opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one
hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked
under his arm.
Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home ?"
Little boy: "What the f%#k do you think?"
opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one
hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked
under his arm.
Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home ?"
Little boy: "What the f%#k do you think?"
Similar threads
