FBI Job interview

[ktulu]

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, who's hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our president.

The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle''. Not

being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post

turtle' was.

The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and

you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a

'post turtle'.

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he

continued to explain. 'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he

doesn't belong up there, and he doesn't know what to do while he's up

there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to

begin with'.

 

[EM_PS]

I was in Home Depot the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, 'Sorry about that I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going'.

The young guy says, That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate. I said, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?

The young guy says,! 'Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?'

I said ...... 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.

Most Old Guys are helpful like that.

 

[EM_PS]

Verne was teeing off from the men's tee. On his downswing, he realized that his wife, Lucrecia, was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in front of him. Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her directly in the head, killing her instantly. A few days later, Verne got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy.

Coroner: "Verne, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma to the head. You said your golf ball hit her in the head, is that correct?"

Verne: "Yes, sir, that's correct."

Coroner: "Well, inexplicably I found a golf ball wedged in her rectum."

Verne: "Was it a Titlist 3?"

Coroner: "Yes, it was."

Verne: "That was my mulligan."

 

[Kephart P.E.]

:appl: :appl: :appl:
Now, if we could only get a majority Conservative in the Republican Party.

Heck, I'd even accept a few from the (D) party.

If the Rep. Party wasn't so concerned about teaching creationism, abstinence, and hetro marriage, and concerned themselves with the governing of our country they would be in charge.

 

[wilheldp_PE]

A lot of people said that a black man would be President of the USA when pigs flew. Well, Obama is in the White House, and 100 days later....swine flu.

 

[DVINNY]

^^

 

[Sschell]

Kermit got swine flu...

from eating Miss Piggy

 

[MA_PE]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

'What does it look like?' she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it. '

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

'Here it is, 'she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, 'OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.'

 

[cement]

^ now that's a good one!

 

[Guest]

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.

His horse has already died of thirst.

He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie.. 'You know how I work....You have three wishes.'

'I'm not falling for this,' said the cowboy... 'I'm not going trust a FEMA genie...'

'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

'OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish?'

'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'

***POOF***

He was turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story:

If the government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached

 

[cement]

[SIZE=12pt]Sense of Freshness...[/SIZE]

A new supermarket opened in Topeka , KS . It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain. When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay. In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying. The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

 

[Sschell]

The following is EXACTLY as I recieved it in my email (including the last line).

After their 11th child, a hillbilly couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The vet told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but that it was expensive.

"A less costly alternative," said the vet, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in hillbilly country), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The hillbilly said to the vet, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the vet.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb, and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1,"

"2,"

"3,"

"4,"

"5,".....

at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana , Arkansas , Mississippi , Alabama , Georgia , Florida , and West Virginia .

 

[DVINNY]

^^^ HEy, I resemble that

 

[csb]

Thought of an old joke today that isn't relevant anymore:

What do Saddam Hussein and pantyhose have in common?

Spoiler

They both irritate Bush.

Note:

Spoiler

The reason it's not relevant is because both George Bushes are out of office and Saddam is dead, not for any other reason, you pervs.

 

[MA_PE]

Thought of an old joke today that isn't relevant anymore:
What do Saddam Hussein and pantyhose have in common?

Spoiler

They both irritate Bush.

Spoiler

Note:

The reason it's not relevant is because both George Bushes are out of office and Saddam is dead, not for any other reason, you pervs.

Spoiler

So then both ex-president Bush(s) were only irritated by pantyhose when they were in office? Why was that? Was this something you read in Cosmo or some other women's magazine?

 

[Capt Worley PE]

Obama was touring the farm belt, looking to sell some more giveaways. At one farm flies kept buzzing around his head, annoying him greatly.

"What kind of flies are these?" asked Obama of the farmer.

"Those are horse flies," answered the farmer. "You usually find them around a horse's a$$."

"Are you implying I'm a horse's a$$?"

"No sir, but those flies are hard to fool."

 

[Dleg]

Best said aloud, around your Japanese friends:

"Did you know that 90% of all Japanese men have cataracts?"

no!

"Yeah, and the other 10% drive Rincolns!"

:lmao:

 

[What!!]

Captain Ronald

Could you please tell me the condition of Captain Ronald in Room No. 605? He was operated upon last week and I’d like to know his condition.' The nurse excused herself and then returned to the phone. 'I have just checked Captain Ronald’s chart. His condition is excellent and he seems to be making steady improvement. Who shall I say called?' 'This is Captain Ronald in room. No.605. My doctors don’t tell me a thing!

 

[What!!]

LITTLE HARRY

Little Harry was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. 'Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?' he asked his mother. 'He thinks a lot,' replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness. Or she was until little Lalloo thought for a second and asked, 'So why do you have so much hair?' B)

 

[MA_PE]

Twelve Irish priests were about to be

ordained.

The final test was for them to line up

in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy,

beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before

them.

Each priest had a small bell attached

to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell

rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained

because he had not reached a state of

spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the

first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the

line with the same response from all the priests until she

got to the final priest, Terry.

Poor Terry.

As she danced, his bell began to ring

so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground

and laid to rest in nearby foliage.

Embarrassed, Terry quickly scrambled

to where the bell came to rest.

He bent over to pick it up .....then

all the other bells started to ring.