FBI Job interview

[DVINNY]

There was a foursome of ladies about to play a par three, 165 yards long. Suddenly, out from the trees beside the fairway a streaker ran across the open expanse of the fairway. In a gasp, one lady remarked "I think I know that guy - isn't that Dick Green?"

"No" replied another, "I think it's a reflection of the grass!"

 

[DVINNY]

A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wet suit...

Man, "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you!"

Girl, "Hi! It seems like you've been here along time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

Man, "It's been ten years!"

With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette.

Man, "Oh thank you so much!"

Girl, "So tell me how long its been since you had a drink?"

Man, "It's been ten years"

The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.

Man, "Oh..thank you so much. You are like a miracle!"

Finally the girl starts to unzip the front of her wet suit and asks the man leadingly, "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around??"

The man looked at her and said excitedly, "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too?!"

 

[DVINNY]

A man was invited to play at his friend's course and during the round he felt the call of nature, was far away from the toilets and so he went behind a tree believing that he was unobserved. However, on a parallel fairway, three lady members were playing. As they passed they were surprised to observe just a very private part of a man's anatomy protruding from around the tree. "He's certainly not my husband, I can tell" said the first lady.

"Disgusting - I'm glad he's not mine either" said the second lady.

"It really is a damned cheek." said the third, "That's not even a club member!"

 

[DVINNY]

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf & enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."

The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."

 

[DVINNY]

A Jew, a Catholic and a Morman were having drinks at the bar after an inter-faith convention. The Jew, bragging about his virility said, "I have four sons, one more and I'll have a basketball team!"

The Catholic poo-poohed this acomplishment, stating, "That's nothing boy, I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team."

To which the Mormon replied, "You fellers ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives, one more and I'll have a golf course!"

 

[DVINNY]

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

 

[DVINNY]

An older couple are playing in the annual club championship. They are playing in a play off hole and it is down to a 6 inch putt that the wife has to make. She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling. She putts and misses, they lose the match. On the way home in the car her husband is fuming, " I can't believe you missed that putt!"

"That putt was no longer than my 'willy'." The wife just looked over at her husband and smiled and said, "yes dear, but it was much harder!"

 

[DVINNY]

A fellow goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, every time I swing my 7 iron I pass this outrageous gas." He swings the iron in the doctor's office and breaks a loud sound of wind. He swings the 8 iron and nothing, he swings the 6 and nothing. He swings the 7 again the same loud sound is heard, followed by a very foul smell.

The doctor says, "Hmmm, interesting case," and gets up and grabs a long pole laying against the wall.

"What are you going to do with that," the fellow nervously asks, fearing the worst.

"I'm going to open the window and let some air into this room," the Doc replies.

 

[DVINNY]

Four married guys go golfing over the weekend and on Sunday during the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:

First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him, "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth Guy: "That's easy! I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a poke and say, 'Golf Course or Intercourse?' So she says, 'Wear your sweater.'"

 

[DVINNY]

One day a Blonde was Walking down the street when the club pro saw her out of the glimpse of his eye and yelled, "Do you want to play?"

She replied, "No. I don't know how to I don't even know how to hold the caddy."

 

[DVINNY]

A guy was on a holiday in Mexico and figuring he might as well live it up a little he rented a 7-series BMW to go to the nearest golf course for a round of golf. On the way there he noticed that the car was low on gas and stopped at a small out-of-the-way gas station to fill up. The attendant was obviously impressed by the car and while the golfer was on the way to the men's room the attendant noticed that he had dropped some small 'things' while he was getting out of the car. Not knowing what they were and hoping for a big tip, when the golfer returned to the car the attendant asked, "Excuse me sir, but are these yours?"

"Yes, thanks! Those are my tees."

"What are they for?"

"They are to put my balls on when I'm driving"

"Damn German engineers think of everything don't they?!"

 

[DVINNY]

Husband and wife were playing in the mixed foursomes. He hit a great drive down the middle - she sliced the second shot into a copse of trees. Unfazed he played a brilliant recovery shot which went onto the green a metre from the pin. She poked at the putt and sent it five metres beyond the pin. He lined up the long putt and sank it. To his wife he said, "We'll have to do better. That was a bogey five."

"Don't blame me," she snapped, "I only took two of them."

 

[DVINNY]

A couple whose passion had waned saw a marriage counselor and went through a number of appointments that brought little success. Suddenly at one session the counselor grabbed the wife and kissed her passionately. "There" he said to the husband, "That's what she needs every Monday, Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday".

"Well," replied the husband, "I can bring her in on Mondays and Wednesdays but Saturdays and Sundays are my golf days."

 

[DVINNY]

"Tom" sits in the clubhouse bar thinking about his next extra marital affair. Deep in though about the subject he absent mindedly starts thinking allowed. "Not worth it" he muttered, "never as good as you hoped. Expensive and above all drives the wife berserk."

A friend who was sitting close by at the time and over herd Toms words leaned across and said, "come on Tom you knew what to expect when you took up golf."

 

[DVINNY]

A golfer arrives in heaven. St Peter meets him at the gate. "We usually don't get golfers here you know, they swear too much," he says to the golfer.

"I've only ever used fould language once, Sir," the golfer replies.

"Tell me about it," St. Peter says.

"Well, I hit my tee shot badly. It hooked deep into the woods."

"And that's when you swore?" St. Peter asks.

"No, the ball hit a tree and bounced out towards the center of the fairway but it ended up in the fairway trap."

"And that's when you swore?" St. Peter asks again.

"No, I hit a great sand shot, but it caught a branch and fell twenty yards short of the green."

"And then you swore?" St. Peter asks impatiently.

"No, I chipped it and it stopped 6 inches from the cup."

To this St. Peter exclaims, "Don't tell me you missed the *&$%@#@#* six-inch putt."

 

[DVINNY]

After hacking my way around a course with a professional golfer, I asked him what the problem was with my game. He answered coolly and casually, "It's simple, you're standing too close to your ball......…….....after you hit it"!

 

[DVINNY]

A pretty terrible golfer was playing a round of golf for which he had hired a caddie. The round proved to be somewhat tortuous for the caddie to watch and he was getting a bit exasperated by the poor play of his employer. At one point the ball lay about 180 yards from the green and the as the golfer sized up his situation, he asked his caddie, "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?"

And the caddie replied, "Eventually."

 

[DVINNY]

"Caddy, why do you keep looking at your watch?" asked the curious golfer.

"It's not a watch, sir. It's a compass"

 

[DVINNY]

Standing on the tee of a relatively long par three, the confident golfer said to his caddy, "Looks like a four-wood and a putt to me." The caddy handed him the four-wood, which he topped about fifteen yards off the front of the tee.

Immediately the caddy handed him his putter and said, "And now for one hell of a putt!"

 

[DVINNY]

Tom's tee shot off the first tee hooks horribly and skips off the clubhouse roof. He decides it's not worth chasing so he tees up another ball and plays on. As he's making the turn at nine, his friend comes running out of the clubhouse, "Tom, wait up!"

"Yeah, what is it?"

"Did you see what happened to your ball from the first tee?"

"Well, I hooked the ball off the clubhouse roof but I didn't see what happened to it."

"Let me tell you, it ricocheted off a van's window which went out of control and hit a school bus. The bus tumbled down an embankment and burst into flames! Three kids are in critical condition at the hospital!"

"Oh my God! What should I do?"

"Well, I think if you just open your club face a little bit . . . ."