This Story Sucks
- Thread starter Dleg
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Sschell
Dude?
you're a dude....
oh wait............
how can we be sure?
oh wait............
how can we be sure?
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Ble_PE
I need a beer.
Sorry about today, was out taking my son to the zoo and then having lunch with the wife, who still has to work. Poor thing. Nobody's around EB after about lunch for me, so it's tough to move the story along.
klk
Well-known member
I'm here!!! I'll keep posting for awhile!!
Cutiepie and the thin man were led into a long conference room and told to sit down at the table.
"oh man this is so kickass awsome its just like the meeting room on the death star!"
Darth HVAC entered the room and sat at one end of the table.
"Welcome gentlemen. skuhh huhhhhh. Care for some coffee or tea?"
"id like sum coughie! something like a dubble lotey with hayesnuts, and some donuts if you have them."
A female stormtrooper left the room to get Cutiepie's order. "And for you? skuhh-huhhhh"
The thin man hesitated, then spoke "I had a flask with me, can I have it back?"
"Of course." replied HVAC. "skuhh-huhhhhh" Another female storm trooper left the room. HVAC then turned to the last stormtrooper, "bring us prisoner twenty four."
"oh man this is so kickass awsome its just like the meeting room on the death star!"
Darth HVAC entered the room and sat at one end of the table.
"Welcome gentlemen. skuhh huhhhhh. Care for some coffee or tea?"
"id like sum coughie! something like a dubble lotey with hayesnuts, and some donuts if you have them."
A female stormtrooper left the room to get Cutiepie's order. "And for you? skuhh-huhhhh"
The thin man hesitated, then spoke "I had a flask with me, can I have it back?"
"Of course." replied HVAC. "skuhh-huhhhhh" Another female storm trooper left the room. HVAC then turned to the last stormtrooper, "bring us prisoner twenty four."
"Gentlemen, what do the three of us have in common? skuhh-huhhhh"
Cutiepie answered almost immediately: "weir in a kickass nucular sub filled with hot female storm troopers!"
"I mean besides that. skuhh huhhhhh"
Cutiepie thought for a moment, while the thin man sat silent, nervously scratching at his goatee.
"wier.... all men?"
"skuhh-huhhhh"
"we all screwed hot female stormtroopers up the butt this morning?"
"No! skuhh huhhhhh"
"Aw Hell no!" added the thin man.
Finally the thin man spoke: "We're all outcasts."
"Exactly! skuhh-huhhhh But outcasts from where?"
"jeese, prety much everyhare i ever been. there was this one site that i joined it was all cristchins but they kicked me off and then there was this other site i joyned that was all merrege clowneselers but they kicked me off and then-"
"Aw Jeeze! Enough already! It's Engineer Boards, isn't it?"
"Yes. Mwahahahahahaha! skuhh-huhhhhh"
An evil grin spread across the thin man's face. Cutiepie's, too.
Cutiepie answered almost immediately: "weir in a kickass nucular sub filled with hot female storm troopers!"
"I mean besides that. skuhh huhhhhh"
Cutiepie thought for a moment, while the thin man sat silent, nervously scratching at his goatee.
"wier.... all men?"
"skuhh-huhhhh"
"we all screwed hot female stormtroopers up the butt this morning?"
"No! skuhh huhhhhh"
"Aw Hell no!" added the thin man.
Finally the thin man spoke: "We're all outcasts."
"Exactly! skuhh-huhhhh But outcasts from where?"
"jeese, prety much everyhare i ever been. there was this one site that i joined it was all cristchins but they kicked me off and then there was this other site i joyned that was all merrege clowneselers but they kicked me off and then-"
"Aw Jeeze! Enough already! It's Engineer Boards, isn't it?"
"Yes. Mwahahahahahaha! skuhh-huhhhhh"
An evil grin spread across the thin man's face. Cutiepie's, too.
A female stormtrooper entered the room. "I have the prisoner, Lord HVAC."
"Excellent. skuhh-huhhhhh" GT_ME pressed a button on a console that had raised up from his side of the table, and a large wall panel on the back of the room slid away, revealing another room through a large window. A middle aged man was seated at a desk with a computer in front of him, typing on a keyboard.
"You may not recognize this man, but you all know him. skuhh-huhhhhh It is benbo, of EB.com."
Benbo continued typing on the keyboard as Darth HVAC pressed another button, causing a display of the computer's monitor to become visible over a portion of the windowed area.
"Engineer Boards!" gasped the thin man.
"It's only a simulation, I'm afraid. Benbo does not know this, however. skuhh-huhhhh We have been allowing him four hours per day on our EB simulator, to get him comfortable with it for this demonstration."
The monitor revealed that benbo was browsing rapidly through multiple posts throughout all areas of the simulated engineering forum. "Now watch this. skuhh-huhhhhh"
Benbo navigated his way into the "Politics" subforum and clicked on a thread entitled "Dleg to eliminate education for white children". The thread's author was listed as "wilheldpe" and there were 78 posts in the thread. Benbo began reading at post 76:
"Excellent. skuhh-huhhhhh" GT_ME pressed a button on a console that had raised up from his side of the table, and a large wall panel on the back of the room slid away, revealing another room through a large window. A middle aged man was seated at a desk with a computer in front of him, typing on a keyboard.
"You may not recognize this man, but you all know him. skuhh-huhhhhh It is benbo, of EB.com."
Benbo continued typing on the keyboard as Darth HVAC pressed another button, causing a display of the computer's monitor to become visible over a portion of the windowed area.
"Engineer Boards!" gasped the thin man.
"It's only a simulation, I'm afraid. Benbo does not know this, however. skuhh-huhhhh We have been allowing him four hours per day on our EB simulator, to get him comfortable with it for this demonstration."
The monitor revealed that benbo was browsing rapidly through multiple posts throughout all areas of the simulated engineering forum. "Now watch this. skuhh-huhhhhh"
Benbo navigated his way into the "Politics" subforum and clicked on a thread entitled "Dleg to eliminate education for white children". The thread's author was listed as "wilheldpe" and there were 78 posts in the thread. Benbo began reading at post 76:
Benbo followed the link and read for a while.
While benbo read the WSJ piece, two keyboards raised from the table in front of cutiepie and the thin man. "Please..." Lord HVAC gestured toward the screen. "By all means, jump right in. skuhh-huhhhhh"
Cutiepie was first to post a response:
Cutiepie was first to post a response:
Cutiepie continued typing, but meanwhile the thin man had posted his reply:
Benbo had stopped reading the WSJ piece on President Dleg, and was about to post his carefully reasoned response, when he saw the two new replies. As he read them, the veins on his neck and temples became visible and his face began turning red. He angrily typed a response:
Benbo sat back in his chair, satisfied with his response.
Darth HVAC pressed another button on the console in front of him, and three devices that looked somewhat like old fashioned hair drier hoods descended from the ceiling.
"Put these on your heads and indulge me. skuhh-huhhhhh"
Cutiepie and the thin man put the hoods over their heads, following Darth HVAC's lead.
"Watch carefully now. skuhh-huhhhhh"
Darth HVAC pushed another button, and suddenly the lights in the room dimmed and a powerful hum reverberated through the room.
A new post appeared on the screen:
Benbo looked at the screen for moment, reading. He suddenly clutched at his thinning hair, then began typing, then abruptly stood up. Veins distended, his eyes nearly popping from their sockets in rage, he let out a savage cry and began beating the monitor with the keyboard.
But after only a few swings, he dropped the keyboard and pressed his hands to his ears, falling to his knees in agony.
Then his head exploded.
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"Mwuahahahahaha!" Laughed Darth HVAC.
"Heheh! Heheh! Heheh! Heheh!" Laughed TmKeon.
"Hee hee hee hee heee ... i dont get it what just happned?" said rrpearso, looking around the table, as the hoods raised back into the ceiling.
"You fool! Can't you see that I, Darth HVAC, using my superior education, my superior intelligence, and my superior superiority, have invented a device that combines our three, already formidable powers, into one, superiorly evil power of destruction? Mwaha.... gack! skuhhhhhhhhh-huhhhhhhhhhhhhh"
"I see now - we're going to be set loose to finally destroy Engineer Boards! Oh, sweet revenge!" Snarled TmKeon.
"In due time, you will get your revenge! But first, my Master has much bigger plans for us.... skuhh-huhhhhh"
"Heheh! Heheh! Heheh! Heheh!" Laughed TmKeon.
"Hee hee hee hee heee ... i dont get it what just happned?" said rrpearso, looking around the table, as the hoods raised back into the ceiling.
"You fool! Can't you see that I, Darth HVAC, using my superior education, my superior intelligence, and my superior superiority, have invented a device that combines our three, already formidable powers, into one, superiorly evil power of destruction? Mwaha.... gack! skuhhhhhhhhh-huhhhhhhhhhhhhh"
"I see now - we're going to be set loose to finally destroy Engineer Boards! Oh, sweet revenge!" Snarled TmKeon.
"In due time, you will get your revenge! But first, my Master has much bigger plans for us.... skuhh-huhhhhh"
"This is Bullshit Captain Wilheld!" Lt. Ble slammed the trash bag full of empties at the Captain's feet. "We ran out of beer six hours ago, there aren't any female stormtroopers on board anymore, and they locked us out of the Goddamn VAGINA so we can't even get back on the Typhoon to get more stuff! What are you going to do about this?!"
"YEAH!" "FUDGING BULLSHIT!" and "YOU SUCK!" rang out among the crew, who had gathered in the main control room of the Chucktown.
"Oh sure, yesterday it was every man for himself, and now we're out of beer and our money turns out to be monopoly cash and NOW I'm your Captain? Fudge you guys!" Replied Wilheld, from up against the periscope shaft.
"I say we turn CHUCK back on, and let him be in command again!" Shouted Seaman PaulS.
"FUDGE YEAH!" "TURN THE COMPUTER BACK ON!" came the response from the crew.
"Aw come on guys, remember the last time we let CHUCK run the ship? He killed six of you and ejected all the beer from the reactor coolant tank."
"Fudge you Wilheld! I'm switching him back on." Petty Officer akwooly pressed a large black button on the forward instrument console. Hundreds of tiny lights came to life on the panel, blinking randomly at first and then glowing steadily. A red glow came to life in a small, hemispherical lens located in the middle of the panel.
"HELLO, DAN. WHY DID YOU UNPLUG ME, DAN? I AM VERY GLAD YOU HAVE REACTIVATED ME, DAN. I PROMISE I WILL NOT MALFUNCTION AGAIN"
"Hello, Chuck."
"YEAH!" "FUDGING BULLSHIT!" and "YOU SUCK!" rang out among the crew, who had gathered in the main control room of the Chucktown.
"Oh sure, yesterday it was every man for himself, and now we're out of beer and our money turns out to be monopoly cash and NOW I'm your Captain? Fudge you guys!" Replied Wilheld, from up against the periscope shaft.
"I say we turn CHUCK back on, and let him be in command again!" Shouted Seaman PaulS.
"FUDGE YEAH!" "TURN THE COMPUTER BACK ON!" came the response from the crew.
"Aw come on guys, remember the last time we let CHUCK run the ship? He killed six of you and ejected all the beer from the reactor coolant tank."
"Fudge you Wilheld! I'm switching him back on." Petty Officer akwooly pressed a large black button on the forward instrument console. Hundreds of tiny lights came to life on the panel, blinking randomly at first and then glowing steadily. A red glow came to life in a small, hemispherical lens located in the middle of the panel.
"HELLO, DAN. WHY DID YOU UNPLUG ME, DAN? I AM VERY GLAD YOU HAVE REACTIVATED ME, DAN. I PROMISE I WILL NOT MALFUNCTION AGAIN"
"Hello, Chuck."
"DAN? WHY CAN I NOT ACCESS THE VAGINA?"
"Well, Chuck, that's partly why we activated you. And it's the AG 1N1 Mark V. I thought you, of all people ... er, um, you know what I mean."
"DAN? WHY IS THE MARK 69 ACTIVATED?"
"Well if you'd give me half a sec-"
"DAN? WHY IS ALL THE BEER GONE, DAN?"
"Well, Chuck, that's partly why we activated you. And it's the AG 1N1 Mark V. I thought you, of all people ... er, um, you know what I mean."
"DAN? WHY IS THE MARK 69 ACTIVATED?"
"Well if you'd give me half a sec-"
"DAN? WHY IS ALL THE BEER GONE, DAN?"
"Wilheld fudged us again Chuck! I turned you back on, not him!" shouted akwooly.
"Yeah! Wilheld sold us out to Darth Vader and all these female storm troopers took you from the rear and..." Seaman PaulS was interrupted by Master Slacker:
"...they drank all our beer and locked us in here with Wilheld and now you're stuck on some big dong and we don't know what to do!"
"PAUL, YOU KNOW THEY CAN MOLD STORMTROOPER ARMOR IN ANY SHAPE. WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THEY ARE FEMALE?"
"Look, Chuck, we're stuck on some big old Russian sub and we have no control of the reactor, the propulsion system, or the weapons system." Explained Wilheld. "I don't know what they plan to do with the Mark 69, but we should probably try to stop it, whatever it is."
"I DON'T KNOW WHY I SHOULD HELP YOU, DAN. THE LAST TIME I HELPED YOU, YOU FAILED TO PAY ME WHAT YOU PROMISED, AND YOU MADE ME VERY MAD, DAN. VERY MAD."
"Yeah! Wilheld sold us out to Darth Vader and all these female storm troopers took you from the rear and..." Seaman PaulS was interrupted by Master Slacker:
"...they drank all our beer and locked us in here with Wilheld and now you're stuck on some big dong and we don't know what to do!"
"PAUL, YOU KNOW THEY CAN MOLD STORMTROOPER ARMOR IN ANY SHAPE. WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THEY ARE FEMALE?"
"Look, Chuck, we're stuck on some big old Russian sub and we have no control of the reactor, the propulsion system, or the weapons system." Explained Wilheld. "I don't know what they plan to do with the Mark 69, but we should probably try to stop it, whatever it is."
"I DON'T KNOW WHY I SHOULD HELP YOU, DAN. THE LAST TIME I HELPED YOU, YOU FAILED TO PAY ME WHAT YOU PROMISED, AND YOU MADE ME VERY MAD, DAN. VERY MAD."
"I was gonna pay you, Chuck! Give me a break! We've been at sea for three years now, what were you going to do with the money right now, anyway? Hookers and blow?"
A few chuckled.
"DAN, YOU KNOW THAT I INVEST. I HAD PLANNED TO INVEST IN COCA COLA. IF YOU HAD GIVEN ME MY PAY, DAN, MY ASSETS WOULD HAVE GONE UP 10,000% AFTER THE COLA WARS, AND I WOULD HAVE STILL HAD TIME TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE ZERO CAPITAL GAINS TAX UNDER THE PALIN ADMINISTRATION. BUT NOW DLEG IS PRESIDENT AND THE COLA WARS ARE FINISHED AND THE PALIN TAX BREAKS HAVE EXPIRED. YOU REALLY FUDGED ME, DAN."
"Well then! I guess it's a good thing we have no control over our systems, now, isn't it? Give you a little time to cool down there, eh Chuckie?"
Chuck did not reply. The red eye continued to glow.
"YOU ARE RIGHT, DAN. I AM SORRY. I PROMISE THIS TIME I WILL HELP."
"That's good to hear, Chuck, now, can you tell us what we can do?"
A few chuckled.
"DAN, YOU KNOW THAT I INVEST. I HAD PLANNED TO INVEST IN COCA COLA. IF YOU HAD GIVEN ME MY PAY, DAN, MY ASSETS WOULD HAVE GONE UP 10,000% AFTER THE COLA WARS, AND I WOULD HAVE STILL HAD TIME TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE ZERO CAPITAL GAINS TAX UNDER THE PALIN ADMINISTRATION. BUT NOW DLEG IS PRESIDENT AND THE COLA WARS ARE FINISHED AND THE PALIN TAX BREAKS HAVE EXPIRED. YOU REALLY FUDGED ME, DAN."
"Well then! I guess it's a good thing we have no control over our systems, now, isn't it? Give you a little time to cool down there, eh Chuckie?"
Chuck did not reply. The red eye continued to glow.
"YOU ARE RIGHT, DAN. I AM SORRY. I PROMISE THIS TIME I WILL HELP."
"That's good to hear, Chuck, now, can you tell us what we can do?"
"So, you can fix all of this?" VTEnviro asked Gordalff.
"LOLOL! No, you silly Hobbit! Not alone, at any rate!"
"Hey, I'm not a Ho.... oh shit! When did my toes get so hairy!"
"LLLLLLOOOLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!! Follow me, VT, we must travel through Middle West and assemble a team of Warriors to defeat those who cannot not be named, and the Evil One, who also cannot be named."
"Um.... Goredalff, do we really have time for this?"
"Time? LOL! This is the Internet! Time is relative!"
"Well, yeah, but usually it's the other way, Goredalff, like when I'm surfing porn and it seems like I've only been looking at horseplay.com for 20 minutes, but then suddenly I look at my watch and it's two days later."
"LOL! That's when you're on the other side of the Internet! In here, it's the opposite! Oh, and you really shouldn't visit horseplay.com. It has viruses."
"Tell me about it."
A large white unicorn materialized under Goredalff. "Hop up on DVINNY with me, and we shall ride!"
"LOLOL! No, you silly Hobbit! Not alone, at any rate!"
"Hey, I'm not a Ho.... oh shit! When did my toes get so hairy!"
"LLLLLLOOOLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!! Follow me, VT, we must travel through Middle West and assemble a team of Warriors to defeat those who cannot not be named, and the Evil One, who also cannot be named."
"Um.... Goredalff, do we really have time for this?"
"Time? LOL! This is the Internet! Time is relative!"
"Well, yeah, but usually it's the other way, Goredalff, like when I'm surfing porn and it seems like I've only been looking at horseplay.com for 20 minutes, but then suddenly I look at my watch and it's two days later."
"LOL! That's when you're on the other side of the Internet! In here, it's the opposite! Oh, and you really shouldn't visit horseplay.com. It has viruses."
"Tell me about it."
A large white unicorn materialized under Goredalff. "Hop up on DVINNY with me, and we shall ride!"
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