This Story Sucks

[Dleg]

Seaman klk was brought to the control room by two taser-armed crewmen.

"Seaman klk, Chuck tells us you've been meeting a stormtrooper regularly for sex, is this true?"

klk looked at Chuck's red eye. "Goddamnit Chuck, mind your own fudging business! Captain, I swear, it's just for sex. Those stormtroopers are hot!"

Lieutenant Ble was the first to ask, "So are they really female?"

klk blushed, and was about to respond, when Wilheld cut her off. "That's OK, Seaman klk, you are required to not answer that question, and Lt. Ble was required to not ask it!" he said, giving Ble a harsh look. "All is forgiven, if you will cooperate with our plan. We need to access the AG-1N1 Mark V."

"You mean the ******?"

 

[Dleg]

"Yes" sighed Wilheld, "the ******."

"How much is it worth to you?"

"How about no court martial for fraternizing with the enemy?"

"That's ********, Wilheld, when I signed up for this chickenshit outfit, the agreement fully indeminfied me against any and all charges, up to and including Treason!"

"Alright! Alright! Look, we currently don't have any money, beer, or blow. What do you want?"

klk thought for a moment.

 

[Dleg]

"I want to be Captain!"

"What?! You can't be Captain! I'm Captain!"

"Aren't you the country's greatest proponent of the anarcho-capitalist way of life? What makes you think you can just 'be' Captain all the time?"

Wilheld was stumped. Chuck interrupted:

"GIVE IT TO HER, DAN. YOU KNOW SHE IS RIGHT. YOU HAVE NO MORE RIGHT TO BE THE CAPTAIN OF THIS SUB THAN SHE HAS, AS LONG AS SHE HAS SOMETHING YOU NEED MORE THAN YOUR RANK. AND WITHOUT ACCESS TO THE ******, DAN, YOU HAVE NOTHING AT ALL."

Wilheld looked at the crew around him. He had always known he was never really in charge, but the silver eagles were a symbol that still seemed to elicit some respect. At times, anyway. But all their lives depended on this, and, technically, Chuck was correct.

Wilheld unfastened the silver eagles from his dirty khakis, and handed them over to klk.

 

[Dleg]

"You're Captain now, what are you going to do?"

klk removed a small, cylindrical white object from her pocket and held it to her mouth. "TK 439, come in."

A tinny, but deep-sounding voice replied "This is TK 439. Is that you, sweetcakes?"

klk smiled at the crew, who were all listening intently. "Roger. I have a new one for you today. But it's going to cost you."

The transmitter replied "Oooh, you know how I like variety! How old is he? Is he still fit?"

"Oh, I think you'll loooooove this one." klk held her hand over the transmitter and mimed a slient laughing fit for the crew, who all struggled not to laugh out loud.

Wilheld started making his way forward in an attempt to leave. klk gestured and four crewmen blocked his way.

The transmitter sounded again. "How much?"

klk paused for a moment. "I want you to bring me one of your stormtrooper suits."

There was a long pause.

 

[Dleg]

"You've been pimping out the crew!?" whispered Wilheld from the arms of the restraining crewmen.

"Shush!" klk glared back at him, momentarily covering the transmitter.

TK 439 finally responded: "I can't bring you a stormtrooper suit. That is simply not possible. How about 20 cases of beer?"

All of the crew nodded vigorously, held thumbs up, mouthed "yes", or made other gestures of enthusiastic approval. klk pressed the transmitter again. "How about you just loan me yours while you're busy with your new boy toy?"

TK 439 responded immediately: "deal! I'll be there in five minutes!"

klk turned to the computer. "How about that, Chuck? Not only can I open the ****** for you, but I can enter it and access the Typhoon now."

"YES. AND DAN WILL BE FORCED TO SLEEP WITH THE FEMALE STORMTROOPER. HA. HA. HA. HA. HA. HA. HA. HA. HA. HA. HA."

 

[Dleg]

Wilheld just wished he could have a drink. "Come on, klk, why does it have to be me? What did I ever do to you? I don't want to be screwed up the butt by some stormtrooper!"

klk laughed. "TK 439 won't hurt you, Wilheld. Just relax and you'll do fine. You might even enjoy it. Isn't that right, boys?" She looked around the control room at the crew. Some of them looked at each other, some smiled, and a few just looked down at the deck.

"We don't have much time. You need to get to my quarters and freshen up. You don't smell very good, you know. You should shave, too. Don't worry, I have everything you need in there."

The four crewmen escorting Wilheld pushed him along the corridor after klk, stopping as she unlocked the door to her quarters. It was only a few feet from the inner airlock door to the AG-1N1 Mark V.

klk turned to him once they were inside the room, which was dimly lit and smelled of incense. "Wilheld, honestly, you're our only chance. This is for the crew, not me." She gave him a quick hug. "I'll let you keep 80% of what TK 439 gives you. Now, here's a towel and a bathrobe. Get in that shower and clean yourself up. Once TK 439 comes in, I'll ask you to pass the armor out the door. You'll need to keep TK 439 occupied for at least one hour."

"Why? Is that how long they will wait before coming to look for him?"

"Him? No, sweetie, that's just how much time TK-439 ever pays for. If you want to give more time, it would certainly be helpful. I'm not sure I can get done what I need before the hour is up."

"The crew needs this, right? Or they'll all die?"

"That's right, sweetie, you'll be taking one for the crew."

"Well then, I want you to bring them here."

"The whole crew? We don't have time for this, Wilheld!"

"You know, I'm feeling a headache coming on, I think...."

"Aw, Jeeze! Hold on, I'll go get them."

 

[Dleg]

It didn't take klk long to assemble the crew. They were just down the corridor, giggling and exchanging currency as they placed bets on whether or not Wilheld would go through with it.

"Guys, this looks like our only chance to get out of this alive. Apparently this TK 439 character has already gone through all the crewmen he is interested in-"

"He?" said a few of the crew, while others looked at the floor or giggled at each other. Wilheld continued:

"I'm the last one. If I do this, klk can get a stormtrooper uniform and sneak aboard the Typhoon. If I don't, we'll be out of air in six hours, according to Chuck."

The giggling stopped.

"But you see, the thing is, I don't know I want to save your *****. Everytime I've needed anything from even the lowliest of you, I've been forced to beg, bargain, and give away more than I ever have had access to."

Everyone looked at the floor in silence.

"Now it's my turn. If you want me to take one for the team - for YOU - it's going to cost you 50% of everything each of you has made over the entire cruise."

Now, everyone looked up in shock. "But, we've been out for three years!"

"That's the deal." Wilheld's words were punctuated by the sound of a key entering the airlock door. "Not much time now. What's it going to be?"

"OK! OK!" said the crew, scattering into various open doors and passageways.

"One more thing, klk."

"Hurry up! We don't have time for this!"

"I want my command back"

"Fine! Just get back in the room!"

 

[Dleg]

President Dleg looked at the cable news channels in alarm.

"What the fudge is going on out there?"

Fox News was broadcasting from a Palin Party rally on the front lawn of the White House. The Rush Network was broadcasting from a Cola Party rally on the back lawn. The Beck Channel was broadcasting from the steps of the Capitol Building where a violent Miley Cirus Party rally was taking place. Signs at all rallies read "NO FOREIGN TROOPS ON US SOIL!" and "OUR PRESIDENT NEVER SLEPT WITH THE RUSSKIES!" and "TAKE TO ARMS! KILL PRESIDENT DLEG!"

"This is getting ugly! If only those fools knew that we were facing annihilation!"

"President Dleg, I have Major General SapperPE on the screen, calling in from the Clinton!" interrupted Admiral Elcid.

General Highway appeared on the big screen, from the Captain's quarters lounge on the Clinton. Dleg looked in envy at the toasty fire and brass and marble decor.

"Mr. President, we're afraid we have lost the Typhoon and the Chucktown. By now, they are probably at the Russian sub pens. But we did find the Engineer Trades."

"I thought it was sunk" replied Dleg.

"No, just abandoned and adrift."

"Well, I hope you sunk it so it doesn't come back to haunt us again."

"Um.... no, we thought it might be interesting to leave it out there. You know, for a laugh or two. Sometime down the road when we might need one."

"Oh well. The important thing is, the three have made it to their lair. They'll probably be coming on line at any time now."

"God Help Us, Sir."

"Yes, God Help Us. Look, I want you to pursue anyway. And be prepared to send in an assault team. Dmitri tells me that this place is virtually impregnable - under 3000 feet of rock, and only one way in, at 300 feet below the sea. But there might be something you can do. See if you can get there as fast as possible."

 

[Dleg]

Captain pro-tem klk emerged from the head in full stormtrooper uniform, only to see nearly the entire crew crowded around her quarters door, money in hand, straining to hear what was happening inside between Wilheld and the real stormtrooper, who was, presumably, fully nude by now.

"Get the fudge out of my way!" she spoke into the helmet's microphone. The crew looked at her in surprise. Her voice sounded much deeper, through the helmet's amplification system. She inserted the key into the airlock door, turned it, and entered the AG 1N1 Mark V Boarding Tunnel. She had to duck down because the Typhoon's P3-N15 Boarding Tube was, of necessity, a smaller diameter.

TK 439's stormtrooper armor fit klk well, except for the breastplate, which was far larger than she was. But the extra space perfectly accommodated the short range communicator from the Chucktown. The other communicator was in the command room, in front of Chuck's "ears".

klk disabled the stormtrooper mike and spoke into the armor "Can you hear me, Chuck?"

"YES, KLK, I CAN HEAR YOU. AND THANK YOU FOR OPENING THE ******. OHHHHH...."

klk reached the other end of the long boarding tube system, and turned the key again. The door opened into a wide passageway which was busy with stormtroopers coming and going. Two troopers guarded the airlock. One of them suddenly slapped klk on the back, hard.

"TK 439, that was quick! Did you even give him time to satisfy himself? Ha ha ha ha!"

klk had no idea that the helmet altered her voice, so she replied in a falsely deep voice. "Believe me, this one had absolutely no lasting power. Ha ha ha ha!"

"TK 439, what's wrong with your voice?"

klk swallowed hard, thinking. She coughed. "Uh, nothing. Just a hair stuck in my throat."

The two other stormtroopers busted out laughing, slapping their leg armor. klk moved on into the Typhoon.

 

[Dleg]

klk made her way aft through the wide corridors of the Typhoon. Things seemed very busy. Female stormtroopers filled the hall, carrying various tools and packages into rooms and other corridors here and there. The sub was huge!

The short range communicator inside the oversized breast piece came to life: "KLK, I HAVE FOUND DARTH HVAC'S QUARTERS. I AM SURE THE FIRING KEYS FOR THE MARK 69 WILL BE IN THERE. STOP AT THE INTERSECTION OF CORRIDORS 12B AND 13Z AND YOU SHOULD SEE HIS DOOR."

"Yeah I see it, Chuck, but how do I get in there? I can't just walk in!"

"DARTH HVAC IS LOGGED INTO THE TYPHOON'S SYSTEM FROM THE COMMAND CENTER. HE IS NOT THERE. I WILL DISABLE THE LOCK NOW, KLK. YOU SHOULD ENTER NOW"

klk waited a moment for the traffic to clear, and then reached across for the door. The latch turned and she was inside.

 

[Dleg]

HVAC's room was large. In its center was a near perfect replica of Darth Vader's pod from the Star Wars movies, the only difference being that it had been stretched to accommodate a king sized bed. klk lifted a leg and pressed her boot on the mattress. Yep, just as she suspected. A water bed. What a sleazeball!

She looked around the rest of the the dimly lit room. There was a closet on one side with four Darth Vader suits, a rack of spare helmets and face pieces, a bookshelf full of what appeared to be indexed collections of magazines, and - there! - a writing desk with a rack full of keys along its top frame.

klk looked through the keys and quickly saw the large, milled titanium firing keys hanging from a peg. She grabbed them and stuffed them into one of the fake ammunition pouches on the stormtrooper belt.

"I have the the keys, Chuck!" she whispered excitedly.



"EXCELLENT. YOU NEED TO RETURN NOW, KLK"

"Roger!" But klk could not resist looking a little more. She walked over the the magazine shelves and pulled one out. The title and printing was all in Japanese, but the picture of a half-naked Princess Leah, bent over with a wookie behind her making his best 'O' face, told her all she needed to know.

She slipped the magazine back into the shelf, and as she did, a hand came firmly down on her shoulder.

 

[Dleg]

klk gasped. The hand on her shoulder was brown and furry. She looked back, and, horrified, saw what appeared to be a wookie.

"Raaaaaaaar!" Came the decidedly non-wookie like roar.

"What the fudge!" klk wheeled around to face her assailant. It was indeed a wookie, or at the very least, someone in a wookie costume.

"hey cum on! play along with me! im choobacka and i'm here to put my wookie shlong up your pooper! raaaaar!"

klk delivered a powerful kick to the wookie's gut, sending him back onto the waterbed, bent double in pain.

"ow what did you doo that for? you told me this is how you wanted it, TK 439!" The wookie removed its head, revealing a somewhat thickly set, but reasonably good looking man.

klk had never seen him before, and did not recognize Cutiepie. Her mind was racing. She was at least 500 feet from the entrance to the Chucktown's ******, and she had the firing keys which she knew were so desperately needed. Crap! She knew what she had to do. If Wilheld could do it for the crew of the Chucktown, then she could, too!

"Oh my! Not a big, hairy wookie! Help me! Help me!" klk held her armored hands to her helmet in mock alarm.

A smile spread across Cutiepie's face, and he put the wookie head back on. "Raaaaar!"

 

[Dleg]

klk allowed Cutiepie to chase her around the Darth Vader waterbed one more time before letting herself get caught.

"Raaaaar! now i got you and im gong to take these off and put my-"

Cutiepie pressed the release latch and klk's rear armor piece sprung open. She braced herself for what was coming. But nothing happened. Finally, Cutiepie took the wookie head off and spoke.

"thats not right... wheres youre.... oh my god your not a - "

klk rolled onto her back and delivered a powerful kick that sent Cutiepie reeling backwards across the room, but did not knock him over. He whirled on his feet and reached for the alarm pull box next to the door. klk was on her feet by then and swung for his face with her right fist. Her blow was blocked by Cutiepie's forearm, but her left fist was close behind and caught him square under the jaw, knocking a tooth out and sending him to the floor, unconscious. But it was too late. The alarm rang out throughout the sub, and the rotating orange alert lamps were activated.

"Chuck! I've been busted! I don't think I'm going to make it back!"

klk fastened the rear panel on her armor, cocked the taser rifle, put her hand on the door latch, and opened the door to the main passageway.

 

[Dleg]

klk took aim on the nearest approaching female stormtrooper, who saw the weapon and said "Hey, watch where you're pointing that fudging thing!" and walked briskly past. klk lowered the taser rifle. All the stormtroopers were walking past her, busy with whatever they were doing. A mechanical sounding female voice came on the sub's intercom system:

"ALERT. DESTINATION REACHED. PREPARE FOR DISEMBARKATION."

"Nevermind Chuck! I think I'm OK!"

The communicator in klk's breast armor responded "YES, THE TYPHOON'S COMPUTER SHOWS WE HAVE REACHED ITS HOME PORT. YOU NEED TO RETURN TO THE SHIP NOW, KLK."

"I'm trying! But we're gonna have trouble soon! I left some weird dude unconscious in Darth HVAC's quarters!"

klk made her way forward as casually as she could. When she reached the P3-N15 airlock, the guards laughed and said "Just enough time for one more, TK-439?" and let her pass without questioning.

 

[Dleg]

The sun had been down for a long time. Almost as long as Gordalff had been trying to explain the workings of the Internet to VTEnviro. Sschell listened in amusement, as he roasted marshmallows using DVINNY's horn. Every third marshmallow went to DVINNY. The dragon roadwreck slept just beyond the beyond the reach of the fire. He had heard this story dozens of times.

"So, you're God?" VT asked, looking up at the wizard in confusion.

"LOL! No!" Goredalff's good nature prevented him from losing patience. "Smoke another bowl of pipeweed while I think about another way to explain this..." Gordalff puffed on his pipe as he thought, while VT packed more pipeweed into his own.

"You've played video games before, right?" VT nodded affirmatively. "How about any of the Grand Theft Auto games?" VT again nodded affirmatively. "Which one?"

VT exhaled and coughed. "I think it was that one in Miami - "

"Vice City! Excellent! Now, as you played, you controlled one guy. Everyone else in Vice City went about their business according to their programming, right?" VT nodded, beginning to look confused again. Goredalff continued. "So, with the exception of your character, every other character in the game lived in a world that, as far as they knew, operated on a strict set of rules, and there were predictable consequences for every action. Cars drove down the roads, people walked down the sidewalks, and if a person stepped in front of a car, what happened?"

The hobbit VT looked up at the wizard. "They got splattered?"

"Correct! Their actions elicited a predictable consequence. The only thing in their world which was not predictable was the one guy that the player was controlling." VT nodded. "To the computer-controlled characters, the player's character looked just like they did, and was constrained by the same set of action-consequence rules, for the most part."

VT stopped Goredalff. "Yeah, but I could get 'wasted' and in ten seconds, I'd walk back out of the hospital totally fine!"

"Exactly!" said Goredalff, excitedly. "Now imagine if you will, all these computer people inside this computer world. What do they know of the guy outside the computer - you - playing the game, controlling the main character? Well, what could they possibly know? How could they relate? How could they even see you? You live in an entirely different universe! You look a little like them, sure. But there is no way they could ever enter your world, and see you, or interact with you. But in their world, you are able to see them and interact with them-"

"And kill them!"

"Yes, and kill them, whatever! Do you see what I'm saying?"

"Yeah! This is a video game and you're going to ... kill me?"

"No! LOL! Let's try this again!"

Sschell snickered and impaled another marshmallow on DVINNY's horn while the wizard started again.

 

[Dleg]

Goredalff ran a hand down his beard. The frustration was beginning to get to him. "OK. Do you remember Windows Vista?"

"Oh yeah, Vista sucked ***! I had it on a computer for maybe 6 months and went back to XP. Until Windows 7 came out, anyway." VT was engaged again.

"Well, it's kind of like that. Sometimes the install doesn't work too well, and the operating system needs to be updated or replaced." Goredalff paused and looked at VT to see if he was getting anywhere.

"So it's like if you installed Grand Theft Auto Vice City on a computer that was running Vista, and found out that it didn't run on Vista because Vista sucks ***, so you re-installed XP?"

Goredalff sighed and looked at his pipe. "Do you have any more of that pipeweed, VT? I think I'm losing my train of thought."

Sschell busted out laughing. "Goredalff, dude, that is the most fudged up explanation yet! You lost even me, and I understand it inside and out!"

"Well maybe you should try to explain it to our Hobbit friend!" Goredalff reached down and accepted a pinch of pipeweed from VT.

 

[Dleg]

"Okay, little hobbit dude, all you need to know is that this world you are in now is just a creation of your world, which was just a creation of some other dude's world, which itself was just a creation of some other dude's world, and so on and so forth." Sschell fed a toasted marshmallow to DVINNY, and skewered another on the unicorn's horn.

"Now, and therefore, nothing is real and everything is real. The three biggest ******** in all universes have finally found each other and are going to unite themselves with the biggest **** ever known, to create some, let's say, unholy, three assholed ***** monster, that is going to want to fudge all our worlds up."

"Oh, I think I get it! If these guys get on-line, they're going to destroy the internet!"

"Not exactly! But close! They are going to re-load the software, so to speak, in both your world and this one, and really fudge things up for all of us."

VT blinked, blew hard, and got up. "I think I've had too much pipeweed. I'm going off in the dark to think about something else for a while."

"LOL!" Goredalff laughed.

 

[Dleg]

VTEnviro wandered away from the fire and looked up at the stars. The stars in Middle West were pretty much like the stars in the world he had come from. Except that, as he gazed at them, he could not help but see naked women and other ****ographic images in the patterns they formed.

There was a chill in the air, so he put his hands in his pockets, and suddenly remembered the strange object he had found earlier. He pulled it out and examined it in the dim firelight. He pressed a few buttons with his stubby hobbit fingers. The keys were solid feeling, and had a pleasing tactile presence when they clicked. Numbers appeared on a small LCD screen. Oh, so it's like a calculator? He pressed a few numbers and tried to add them together. But there was no equal sign. What the hell kind of instrument was this?

He decided he was too tired to try math. So he keyed in the following numbers: 07734, and then turned the calculator upside down and giggled at the word it seemed to spell: hELLO. He then keyed in 5318008 - ****IES. He giggled even longer. And then 3704.

 

[Dleg]

Goredalff had been talking to sschell when he sensed it. In an instant he was towering over VT, and thundered out "Where did you get that? Give that to me!"

The terrified Hobbit handed it over.

Goredalff quickly wrapped it in a cloth and admonished the hobbit: "That is an evil thing, and could alert the Evil One to our presence! Especially with such juvenile use of it! I can only hope you did not figure out how to use it properly. Did you?!"

"No! I couldn't even find the equals key!"

Goredalff's might has subsided a bit. "LOL. There is no equals key"

VTEnviro felt confused again. "But I thought it was a calculator?"

"Oh, it is, and even more than that. It uses the language of the evil one. We must not speak it in Middle West. Ever! I will hold on to this for safe keeping. You must promise to never touch it again!"

"Yes, Goredalff! I promise!"

 

[Dleg]

VTEnviro was shaken awake before dawn by Goredalff. "Aw come on, man, I'm fudging wasted!"

"We must move, VT! They are here, in Middle West! We do not have much time!"

VT sat up. The stars were gone, and there was a terrible rumble and red glow from the eastern horizon, in the direction of Lindor.