This Story Sucks

[Dleg]

The intercom filled with the low-fidelity sounds of a battle. Mostly the sounds of men screaming, and the occasional "zzap!" of a taser.

"Oh shit! They're breaking through! OSUguy, close the aft bulkhead! Everyone else stay in position!

Seaman OSUguy ran to the aft end of the control room and pushed the heavy door shut, but then stopped and said "Uh, Captain, the latch???"

"Oh crap! I forgot about that!" Wilheld had removed the latches on some of the bulkheads to prevent the crew from locking him out a few months back.

The sounds of battle died out and there was silence for a moment. Then came a new sound. "What the fudge is that?" said Captain Wilheld, turning toward the intercom.

"It sounds like someone breathing from a SCUBA tank!" replied akwooley, from under the chart table.

"No! It couldn't be!" --

 

[Dleg]

The emergency Security Council meeting had been going for hours. Snickerd had been asked to make no less than 5 runs for donuts and Starbucks, and was now out getting Dominoes Pizza.

Secretary Frazil held the receiver of the red phone in her hand and motioned for President Dleg, who stooped to hear.

"Gentlemen! We have finally made contact with the Chucktown! Frazil, put them up on the screen." Everyone in the room turned toward the large central screen as a staticky image came into view. Slowly the image improved, revealing a shiny black helmet and mask.

"It's Darth Vader!" shouted the French President, who then turned and ran out of the room.

"Oh come on! What the Fudge!" said President Dleg.

Queen Elizabeth II, aka Mary, looked away guiltily, rubbing her neck. A voice on the central screen crackled to life.

"It is I, Darth HVAC! I have captured your puny vessel and its crew! skuhhh-huhhhhhh"

 

[Dleg]

"All right, GT_ME, we know it's you, why don't you take off the mask and tell us what you want."

"SILENCE! I ask the questions here! GT_ME is dead! skuhhhhh huhhhhh"

"Well OK then, uh, Darth, uh HVAC, we're listening."

Admiral Elcid made a "cut if off!" gesture at the President, who then took his hand off the transmit button. "Mr. President! If that idiot has the Mark 69, we're all doomed! See if you can figure out if he has it, or if the Chucktown was able to launch it before they were captured!"

Dleg keyed the mike again. "Uh, Darth HVAC..."

"In conversation, you may call me Lord HVAC. skuhhhhh huhhhhh"

"OK, Lord HVAC, I would like to verify that the crew of the Chucktown are OK."

"Very well. skuhhhhh huhhhhh"

Captain Wilheld then appeared on the monitor. "Yo Dleg! What up!"

"Wilheld! Are you and the crew OK?"

"Well, some of the crew were killed during the boarding, but I've never been better, Motherfudger!" he said, spreading a huge wad of cash in front of his face like a cheap Las Vegas card dealer.

"Aw crap! Vader - I mean Lord HVAC - outbid me, didn't he!"

"Well, not yet technically. What's your offer?"

GT_ME stepped back in front of the camera. "That will be enough. Wilheld and the Chucktown are mine! And so is the Mark 69! Mwuahahahahahah! skuhhhhh huhhhhh"

 

[Dleg]

President Dleg felt the accusatory eyes of all in the security council on him. The Russian President Dmitri was the first to say what all were thinking: "What is Mark 69, and why you put such a thing on your anarcho-capitalist submarine?"

Dleg loosened his collar. "Uh, yeah, the Mark 69...." He walked slowly to the front of the room and took a drink of water.

"The Mark 69 was designed to be a Doomsday weapon, for the Internet. It's a special type of EMP generating nuclear device, and, well, it's pretty complicated how it works to take out only the internet, so if you'll forgive me the details, I'll just leave it at that."

Everyone in the room started talking at once: "Can it be stopped?" "Why did you give it to wilheld?"

"Now, now, hold on everyone! I hardly think GT_ME is going to be using the Mark 69! After all, he has no power without the Internet! The real reason this is such trouble is because the Mark 69 was our only defense against this scenario! There was only ever one made, and now he has it!"

"Oh rovery, just rovery!" said the Japanese prime minister.

"Can it be leemotely detonated?" Said the Chinese President, via videophone.

"Ironically, the Mark 69 was made so long ago that it has no internet capability." Dleg walked around the table, rubbing his chin. "But there may be one man who could help us...."

 

[Dleg]

Back on the Chucktown, the female stormtroopers had seduced and bargained their way all the way to the forward torpedo room, where Commander Flyer, alone with the partially armed Mark 69, was making a gallant effort to resist.

"Come on Commander! They're HOT, and they're loaded with cash!"

"You fools! Don't you know that they can mold storm trooper armor in any shape?!" Commander Flyer flipped furiously through the Mark 69 manual, racing against time to get it armed. Although he did not know the details of the mission, he knew what the Mark 69 was designed to do, and that it must be important if his sub had been invaded from behind to get it.

The voice of Captain Wilheld came through the door next. "Flyer, come on! You can't seriously be considering defending that socialist asshole Dleg, can you? This is big cash talking out here! All they want is the right to conduct their business without interference from Big Government! And isn't that what this whole sub was all about?"

What would Reagan do? What would Reagan do? What would Reagan do? Flyer sweated profusely, comparing the tangle of wires inside the arming circuit to the diagram on page 1645 of the manual. Which one is the damn null cable? Damn this red tactical lighting!

"Hey come on Flyer, we need you in the Wii room! Darth HVAC totally sucks at bowling, we can take him for all he's worth! I need you, buddy!"

There it is! Now all I need to do is connect it to the J15 jack.... Shit! There's a J15 and a J1S jack???!!!!

Suddenly the room was lit by the brilliant white light of a plasma cutting torch, as it broke through the steel hatch.

 

[Dleg]

The intense light made finding the connecting jack easy, and Commander Flyer had the Mark 69 armed and buttoned up just in time, as the door was kicked in and female storm troppers flooded the room.

Flyer raised his hands, seeing the dozen or so taser rifles pointed at his chest. He then busted out in laughter as Darth HVAC made his entrance.

"You've got to be fudging kidding me! Bwahahah!"

"This is no joke, Commander, and thank you for arming the Mark 69 for me. skuhhh huhhhhh"

"Wilheld, what the fudge is this shit? Is this guy for real?"

Wilheld had entered the room behind Darth HVAC, still clutching his wad of cash. "I could care less. He's sure throwing the fatty money around, though. You could get some too, you know. He still needs your firing key. This thing will only launch with both of ours. You hear that HVAC? That'll be another hundred K!"

"Silence! I tire of your insolence! Take the Captain away! skuhhh huhhhhh" Four female stormtroopers immediately manhandled the still protesting Wilheld back out the door. "Now Commander, you will give me that firing key!" Darth HVAC then held his arm out in a choking gesture, eliciting another fit of laughter from Flyer.

"Stop making fun of me!" snapped Darth HVAC. "Kill him!"

Six taser darts hit Flyer in rapid succession, dropping him instantly and leaving him a quivering wreck. Once the sparks had stopped, a stormtrooper bent over his body and cut the firing key from around his neck with a pair of wire clippers.

"I have it, Lord HVAC!" said the female storm trooper, in an oddly deep voice.

 

[Dleg]

All eyes turned to President Dleg.

"Al Gore."

The Security Council let out a gasp.

"You cannot be serious!" Said the Indian Prime Minister. "Everyone in this room knows it is total bull shit he invented the internet. How could this man know anything that might help us?"

"I am afraid I cannot tell you any more. But I believe he may be our only hope." Dleg keyed the intercom. "Snickerd, would you be a sweetie and fetch me the Internet Czar? Yeah, the "Ban Hammer". That would be wonderful, thank you. Oh, and while you're at it, I think we could all use some sandwiches in here. Am I right?" Dleg looked around the room, as all the heads of state murmured agreement.

 

[Dleg]

After all the heads of state had hit the head, and Snickerd had returned with a tray of bologna sandwiches and VTEnviro, Dleg reconvened the marathon Security Council Meeting.

"Gentlemen, I'd like to introduce you to our Internet Czar, VTEnviro. VT, we have an unprecedented emergency. The entire Internet is facing destruction, and I need you to go and personally ask Al Gore for help."

VT's face went white. He swallowed hard, looked nervously around the room, and said "Can't I just send him an e-mail?"

"No, I need you to personally speak with him. Secretary of Transportation Cement will take you to him. Isn't that right, cement?" Dleg looked to his left at a smaller monitor, where the unshaven Transport Secretary was rubbing his eyes and yawning."

"Aw, shit, sir! Gore?" replied cement. "Do you have any idea what that does to traffic up here?"

"Careful, Secretary! Gore's location is still classified!"

"Oh, yeah, uh, sorry about that. Yeah. As soon as VT gets here we'll go see Gore."

"Excellent. VT, Air Force thirty four is waiting for you. So get the fudge out of here!" VTEnviro snatched a sandwich and departed, escorted by two Secret Service agents, who had appeared during the video conference.

"Now, we need to get some assets up to the Bering Sea and locate those subs!"

 

[Dleg]

"Gentlemen, do any of you have any assets in the Bering Sea, or near it?" Asked President Dleg, addressing the Security Council.

Admiral Elcid raised his hand. "Sir, the USS Clinton is about six hours away. She can be there in a few hours, and she can have search aircraft on scene faster than that."

President Dleg slapped his hand on his forehead. "The Clinton?! Don't we have anything else up there? Anything?!!"

"No sir. Most of our fleet is still in the South Pacific, supporting your invasion of Tahiti."

"Oh yeah, I was supposed to be on my way there right now to check on our progress. Dammit!" Dleg paced to the other side of the room. "Dmitri! Haven't you got anything up there? You guys used to have the Bering Sea locked down?"

The Russian President shook his head and looked down at his sandwich in obvious embarrassment. "Nyet. We sold entire eastern fleet to Pepsico four years ago, and it now rests at the bottom of the sea." Dmitri crossed himself and continued staring at his sandwich.

"Oh, right. The Cola Wars." Said Dleg, pacing back to the head of the table. "Admiral, I guess we have no choice. Order the USS Clinton north. Tell them to search, but not to engage. We don't know what we are dealing with exactly."

"Right away, Mr. President."

Dleg rubbed his chin and looked at the situation board. "And one other thing."

"Yes sir?"

"Tell the Clinton to prepare for a visitor."

 

[Dleg]

Cutiepie and the Thin Man had been aboard the Typhoon for hours, and with the exception of a few bumps and clanging sounds, were completely unaware of the events which had been taking place just a few hundred feet forward of their staterooms.

"this is totaly kickass i always wanted to be on a kickass nucelar sub! And female stormtoopers i always new that was true! man all i need is some fatty cash and i'll be SURE that we dead and in haevun now!"

The Thin Man looked at him in disgust, across the small table in their shared living area. "You know they can mold stormtrooper armor in any shape they want. What makes you think these guys are actually female?"

"dude i totally had sex with one of them right after we came on board! she was so hot she let me put it in her ass! im telling you this is heavun!"

"Did she show you her boobs? Did you see a vagina? did you see her face, for that matter?"

"fudge no! why would i want to see her face? a hot chick lets me do her in the rear and im gonna be asking her to show me her face, or her boobs, or her vagina? i may not be the smartest guy around but i amnot stoopid. i take what i can get and that was one hot ass"

The thin man shook his head and said "Jesus, why me? I've been such a good Christian!" and then took another swig from the jeweled bottle that had been left for him.

Just then, the door to the stateroom hissed open and two female stormtroopers entered and snapped to attention on both sides of the door. GT_ME then entered the room and looked down on the two.

"skuhh-huhhhhhh"

 

[Dleg]

"Follow me. skuhh-huhhhh"

"Don't we get any clothes?" protested the Thin Man.

"oh man darth vadar! this is like a dreem cum troo! dude are you for real? do that thing where you choke somebody frm across the room! can you skweez a chick's titties that way? that wood be awesome! oh man you could totally jerk off in meetings with that thing! people would be all like 'vader man, why are you moving your hand up and down on the desk like that?' and you'd be all like "ohhh! uhhh! arrrrgghhhh!' hahhahaha.."

"Silence!" Darth HVAC shot his arm out and physically grabbed Cutiepie by the throat and choked him. "skuhh-huhhhh Do not anger me! I do not wish to hurt you just yet. I have plans for the both of you. Trooper, get these two some bathrobes."

Cutiepie fell to the floor, coughing and grasping at his windpipe. "hey man i was just joking around, cant a guy have a different oponion then everybody else around here"

 

[Dleg]

A black Chevy Suburban with a ski rack on top was waiting on the tarmac at Denver International Airport. Internet Czar, VT "The Banhammer" Enviro was escorted immediately to the Suburban, where Secretary of Transportation Cement was waiting. "Welcome to the Mile High City! We need to get going."

They drove west on Interstate 70 for approximately an hour, gaining steadily in elevation, and worsening weather.

"It's been snowing like this all year. There's record snowpack at Loveland, so it should be good cover for this operation." They passed under a digital highway bulletin that said "DANGER! AVALANCHE HAZARD HIGH! BE PREPARED TO STOP"

"That's for you, you know." Said cement. VTEnviro did not know, of course. He had no idea what was happening.

"Does Gore live up here in a chateau, or something?"

"Something like that. Hold on, it's time!" Cement instructed the driver to fall in behind a fully chained semi which was crawling up the steep grade at 20 miles per hour, and watched behind him. No headlights were visible, but the visibility was poor. He keyed the radio in his right hand "Hit the warning sign now!"

The entrance to the Eisenhower Tunnel materialized from the blowing snow in front of them. "Now!" said cement, lifting the safety cover and pushing a large red button on a device he pulled from the center console. Four dim flashes shot in rapid succession from the clouds above them, followed almost immediately by the startling concussions. A huge mass of snow began moving downward toward them.

"Holy Shit!" said VTEnviro, as the mass of snow hit the highway just behind them, sealing them in the tunnel.

"Fun, huh? Well, enjoy it because it's nothing but a nightmare for me and my crews."

The Suburban slowed and came to a stop. The semi continued on ahead. "What happens now?"

Suddenly the floor fell out from under them and the Suburban was in free-fall.

 

[Dleg]

The Suburban descended for what seemed like minutes, passing occasional wall lights which revealed them to be in a vertical granite shaft. VTEnviro clutched the armrest in terror.

Then there was blackness and absolute silence. The Suburban continued its descent. VT looked out the window and saw what looked like a light, far below them. As they continued to descend, he began to see what looked like thousands of tiny, dim strands of light radiating from it.

Soon a ray of light that was slightly brighter than the others appeared, coming from the center light toward where they were falling. The rate of descent slowed, and the ray of light took on more detail, revealing what looked like a long bridge, or catwalk, leading out to the center of the vast open space. The center light was still far away, but more detail could now be seen. It appeared to be a transparent sphere, lit from within, with thousands of tiny cables or strings emanating from it in all directions.

"Welcome to the Internet!" Said cement.

 

[Dleg]

VTEnviro and cement walked out toward the central sphere on the long, transparent catwalk. VT clutched at the flexible handrails and moved in a shaky, unsteady fashion. "Unnerving, isn't it? It has to be non-conductive like this to avoid interfering with Him." Explained cement.

"You mean Al Gore actually controls the internet?"

"Not exactly."

As they got closer to the central sphere, the source of light began to reveal itself. It was the naked body of Al Gore, floating unsupported in the center of the sphere.

"Al Gore IS the Internet" said cement, rolling his eyes.

 

[Dleg]

They walked closer.

"How does he poo in there?"

"Don't ask."

They finally came to the large, transparent platform which supported the Sphere. VTEnviro squinted to see if any tubes or wires ran into or out of Al Gore, but nothing was visible on the inside of the sphere, only the thousands of tiny cables connecting to its exterior. "So how do I talk with him?"

Cement stopped and faced VT. "You're gonna have to go in there with him."

"How?"

Cement stepped to one side of the platform and pushed a button on a barely visible console. A small door hissed open near the bottom of the sphere.

"So, I just go in there?"

"Yes."

VT stepped slowly toward the open door, looking back occasionally at cement.

"Oh, and one more thing. You can't wear clothes in there."

"Aw man, come on!"

 

[Dleg]

Cement turned away and VTEnviro disrobed, folding his clothes neatly on the thick acrylic floor of the platform. He stepped closer to the door and recoiled at the foul odor coming from inside. "Aw Jeez, man, I think I know the answer to that question now!" He peered up into the sphere and didn't see any floating turds or other bodily fluids, so he took one last look back at cement, just to make sure he wasn't catching a peep, and then stuck his head up inside the sphere.

Instantly he found himself in a small meadow surrounded by a forest of immense, old pine trees. He was clothed in a simple cloth tunic. Birds sang in the trees around him, and flowers bloomed by the hundreds in the meadow. He looked around, and saw a brilliant white figure standing atop a small rise in the center of the meadow. He had long white hair, a long white beard, and wore a long white robe. In his right hand, he held a long wooden staff.

"G-g-g- Gandalff???"

 

[Dleg]

A huge smile spread across the wizard's face. "Son!" He cried.

"D-d-d- Dad??!!"

"Nah, I'm just fudgin' with you! LOLOLOLOL! Call me Goredalff!"

"Uh, OK, Goredalff. What is this place?"

"It's the Internet! Wonderful, isn't it?"

VTEnviro looked around. He noticed that the needles of the pine trees were vibrating, shimmering, at an almost imperceptibly fast rate. The air above them was filled with the comings and going of tiny insects.

"That's data, coming and going, all operating under a delicate balance, just like our fragile Earth's Ecosystem."

VTEnviro looked closer: Were those boobs hanging from every tree? Why do the fish in the trout stream look like penises? And the flowers, thousands and thousands of tiny, shaved vulvas!

"LOL, What can I say? The Internet is 95% porn. Speaking of which, let me formally welcome you, VTEnviro! I have watched you for a long time. I even have a special name for you."

Ut oh, thought VTEnviro.

"We know you here, affectionately, as the Master Bait-"

"OK, OK, Goredalff! Really, I appreciate the welcome, and this is all fascinating, but I'm here because GT_ME, TmK-"

"SILENCE!" Boomed Goredalff, the sky suddenly filling with dark clouds above them. "We do not speak their names! Not in here!"

 

[Dleg]

"OK... I'm here because those three, uh, trolls -"

"Trust me, those three are far worse than any troll. I got trolls up the ying yang in here. See? There's one over there, rooting in the vulva patch." ZZAP! Gordalff aimed his staff at the creature and it exploded in a puff of smoke and fur. "No, those three are not trolls."

"Well, what are they, then?"

"They are ancient demons from an earlier time. They have been sent here by the greatest Evil of all, that which seeks to destroy Me!"

"They want to kill Al Gore?"

"No! LOLOLOL! They want to destroy the Internet!"

"So you know all about this, then?"

"Yes, unfortunately, I have watched this happen, bit-by-bit."

"Yeah, well, sorry about how we lost those two....."

"Don't worry about it! LOLOL! This has been prophesied since the Creation. This was destined to happen, and humanity was destined to face this Evil and destroy it, or be destroyed by it. Besides, you should be more sorry about handing the Mark 69 over to them, what with it fully armed and all."

"It was armed???"

"Yes, I am afraid so. There is little we can do at this point."

"But, I thought the Mark 69 was our only defense! Are you saying that-"

"Yes, you fools. You have delivered the Evil One with the only thing that can truly destroy me, and allow Him to Take over the Earth. Seriously, what the fudge good did you think a bomb designed to "destroy the Internet" would do for me? It will only pave the way for our ultimate defeat."

"Oh, holy shit! They sent me here to get you to tell us how to detonate it!"

"Of course! That's exactly how He planned this whole thing. But... there is still one way humanity's fate can be saved. It's an incredible long shot, but we've got to try."

 

[Dleg]

General Highway sat in his jump seat inside the C-17. It was an extremely unpleasant flight. The winter was the worst since 2010, or so they said. He looked across the aisle to the opposite jumper seat and continued.

"Again, I apologize for abducting you and chaining you up like this. But we really need your help. You're the best man for the job. We really have no choice! I promise, it won't be like last time. We'll make it up to you."

Wolverine glared at him from the seat and said "You know, you could have just told me that. I would have come."

"Again, I apologize. can we take off the chains now?"

"That depends on where we're going, and what we're doing."

"I can't tell you what we're doing yet. But I think you'll like where we're going." General Highway looked out the small window behind his seat. "There she is! Here, let me unchain you, and take a look out this window."

As soon as he was free, Wolverine had the General up against the wall, with the tips of three of his claws pushed into his throat so far that the skin was beginning to puncture. "I should kill you now, for what you did to my family!" But he couldn't help looking out the window behind the General's head, and suddenly he let go of his neck and pressed his head into the window frame.

"What the hell is that?! It's colossal!"

"That's the USS Clinton! Amazing, isn't she?"

 

[Dleg]

"A treadmill aircraft carrier! What a bunch of crap! So is that how you got it to work? Just made her longer and longer, until you could just take off from it like a runway?"

"Hey, it works. We can even land this C-17 on it. How many other carriers can land a C-17?" Replied General Highway, indignant.

Wolverine scoffed. "Gee, I don't know, how many other aircraft carriers are two fudging miles long?"

"It's only 8,500 feet long, and I don't care what you say. It works! Admit it! I was right!"

"You were not right! All you did was make it long enough to work! It wouldn't matter if the entire deck was just paved with concrete, covered in grass, or a giant fudging treadmill! All you did was float a giant runway! Of course it 'works'." But Wolverine continued to watch in fascination as they passed alongside the giant carrier, preparing to make their upwind approach. As he watched, he saw what appeared to be several parked F-35s moving backward at a high rate of speed, and what also looked like dozens of crew members attempting to run forward away from them. In a few seconds, the F-35s had fallen off the back of the ship, along with a few crew members, while the rest suddenly fell forward onto the deck, which had abruptly stopped moving.

"Holy shit!" exclaimed Wolverine. "That thing is dangerous as hell! They just dumped an entire squadron of F-35's off the stern, along with half their crews!"

General Highway cleared his throat. "There are still some bugs to be worked out. Come on, we had better buckle up for the landing."