This Story Sucks

[Dleg]

Slugger stood and brushed himself off. "I made it outside! I didn't get shot!"

"What's going on out there?" Asked President Dleg. Everyone else gathered around and listened attentively.

"Well, there's still British soldiers and armored vehicles all over the place. But now, there's also construction equipment and work crews. They're mostly cleaning up, but in some places, they're already repairing damaged buildings. They've already started fixing up the White House!"

"So it's safe for us to return? Yay!" said FAA Secretary csb.

"No, I don't think so. There's more."

 

[Dleg]

Slugger continued, still a little out of breath. "I saw lines of people coming up from down south, probably the Navy Yard area. They were all carrying suitcases. It looked like there were tour guides or something directing them."

"Holy crap!" Exclaimed president Dleg. "They're already moving in!"

"Yeah! I think so! I got up near them and they sounded British, and I could hear some of them talking about how they picked out this house or that, and when were they going to be assigned their cars."

"Those *******s!" Dleg turned away in thought.

"One other thing," continued Slugger, "I didn't see any zombies. I think they've all been killed!"

Dogleg turned back on him, with a critical eye. "So why were you out of breath? Why do you smell like ****?"

"Someone else was already down here!"

 

[Dleg]

Just then there came a strong pounding at the bunker door.

A muffled voice rang through the steel, "Hey come on, guy, we saw you go in there! Open up!"

 

[Dleg]

"You *****! How could you let yourself be followed here!" whispered Dleg to Slugger.

Another voice came from outside the door: "Yeah! Open up in there youse guys!"

"That doesn't sound like a Brit, sir." whispered frazil.

"Come on already! Open up! We brought beer!"

There was a mad rush to the door. Supe made it there first and opened it wide.

 

[Dleg]

MA_PE and Big Ray were standing just outside the doorway, carrying four 12-packs of beer. "Whoa. What's that horrible smell?" said Big Ray, as the occupants of the space rushed them and took the beer. "Sorry, it's not cold, but, uh, help yourselves, I guess!"

President Dleg cracked open a PBR and chugged it. "Oh yeah!" he sighed, throwing the can to the floor and grabbing another. "So who are you guys, anyway?"

"I'm Big Ray and this is MA_PE! What, VT didn't send you an e-mail tellin you we were comin?"

"VT? You mean VTEnviro? No! What, is he alive?!"

"Yeah! And you aint gonna believe where he is!"

 

[Dleg]

"I could give a flying fudge where he is! He obviously fudged up and failed to do what I told him to! The whole country's in ruins!"

"Yeah, well, it's pretty fudged up, you're right about that, but I'm not sure that's the end of it -"

Dleg cut MA_PE off: "Wait, you guys came all the way down here from Boston? How did you get here? Isn't the country crawling with British soldiers?"

"Yeah, British, French, Spanish, Poles, even Canadians. But they didn't give me and MA no problems, aint that right MA?"

"What do you mean? They shot at us when we tried to leave!"

"Well, ****, I'd a shot at you too, lookin like that and smellin like a dead goat! You know they got these zombie guys runnin around..."

 

[Dleg]

"How many survivors did you run into on your way here?" asked President Dleg.

"Well let me think" Big Ray paused. "There was that one girl. You know, MA, that stripper from the Hoo-Ha club we ran into around the corner from the bar." MA_PE raised his eyebrows and nodded in remembrance. "You know, she seemed kind of interested, if ya know what I mean. I don't know why MA here didn't try to make a move."

"Yeah well, you know how it is." MA shrugged. :dunno: "Strippers.... you know. They might be hot to begin with, but soon enough they start talkin, and then they aint so hot anymore. It always ends up that way, so why bother."

"Alright, alright, you met a stripper in Boston." Dleg's patience was short. "Did you see any other survivors?"

Big Ray rubbed his chin and thought, looking up at the ceiling. "Nah. That was it. Saw a few zombies, though."

MA chimed in, "Yeah, they were all over the place, at first."

"But what about these boats full of... people?" asked Dleg.

"Oh, them?" scoffed Big Ray. "A bunch a fudgin Europeans! Movin into all our houses! Here, look at this."

Big Ray pulled out a couple of brochures and handed them to Dleg. Dleg pulled out the first one and read. "Peace, Prosperity, Integrity. What the fudge is this ****? Who the fudge is this guy?!" He opened the brochure and read through the rules. "I've seen this somewhere before...." He flipped the brochure back again and looked at the man in the photograph. "You know, and this is going to sound crazy, but this guy looks just like Queen Elizabeth!"

(p.102)

 

[Dleg]

Secretary of State frazil took the brochure from Dleg, who held up the second one. It appeared to be a real estate brochure, advertising "millions of American Homes for sale, some for just fractions of a Euro!" Dleg handed it back to Big Ray in disgust.

"Alright, I want to know how you found us here! This is a Top Secret facility! Don't you know who I am?!"

"Yeah, I know you. You were the President of the United States. But from what I seen up there, you ain't president of **** anymore."

MA_PE chimed in "Yeah, and neither of us voted for you anyway, you liberal *******! You're the one who let these UN thugs into our country in the first place!"

Dleg held his hands up in front of him. "Hey, now, how could I honestly expect anything like this to happen? They were only here for exercises. Besides, it was you conservatives who got everybody so angry to begin with, which is what really started this whole thing!"

"Hey hey hey! Whoa there everybody!" frazil stepped between them. "This is not the time or place for any of this! Besides, you guys haven't answered the question. How did you find out about this place?!"

"I told you! VTEnviro sent us an e-mail, and told us to come here and find some big globe thing!"

"Can you show us the e-mail?"

"Sure!" MA_PE reached for his coat pocket, and the three Marines raised their rifles and aimed them at him. "Hey take it easy, Herr President!" He pulled out his blackberry, pushed some buttons, and handed it over to Dleg to read.

 

[Dleg]

The e-mail read:

Hay MA!
Sorry I missed $2 pints! They have FREE pints here at Touchdown's Castle in Middle West! You guys need to get here and partake!

Go to DC and get into the White House Basement and try to find Al Gore's old "Inconvenient Truth" Globe - if you take off your clothes and get inside, you're in the internet! It's really fun!

Hay if you see the President there, tell him to come too, and bring whoever he can. The mission is still on!

VT

PS - please don't reply to this message. The e-mail system here is really unpleasant. Just get here! Fast!

 

[Dleg]

"A globe? I've never seen a globe down here." President Dleg tried to think back. "Any of you seen a globe down here?"

Cabinet members shrugged :dunno: . Marine guards answered "no, sir!"

Big Ray laughed. "What, this is for real? VT's not talkin about some sort of club entrance or somethin'?"

"No, it's real. Gore lives inside a sphere we paid three trillion dollars for in Colorado, and he truly does live inside the internet, and others can join him by entering the sphere. But I had no idea there was another."

Supe spoke up. "Mr. President, sir?"

"Yes, Supe, what is it?"

"Do you remember when Palin had the Kennedy Center converted to a Roller Derby Arena?"

"How could I forget? Said she wanted to 'blow away elitism in Washington'! Renamed it the "Coca Cola Center"! That probably got me two, maybe 3 percent of my votes!"

"Well, did you ever go there, sir?"

"Fudge no! What's your point?"

"There's this huge disco ball hanging from the center monitor display above the rink. It doesn't rotate, but it still looked really cool because it had all these colored fiberoptic cables coming from it."

"You think that could be it?"

"Well, sir," Supe continued, clearing his throat, "I dated one of Palin's office assistants at one time, and oh, the stories she would tell me. You would not believe the sex we had! That office was so repressed, that the women who worked there would just go ape-wild any time they could get away! This one time, she brought a deputy assistant press-"

"Later, Supe! You can give me those details later! Trust me, I want to hear! But I need you to focus, man!"

"Oh, yes, right, sir! So anyway, we went to some regional championship there one night, and were in one of the administration's private booths with her EPA Head, who was that, um, oh yeah! Rush Limbaugh! And Rush was snorting coke, smoking crack, sniffing glue, you name it and he was doing it that night, and he was also bragging up a storm about how he had repossessed all of Gore's global warming props, and turned them into decorations at the Coca Cola Center!"

Dleg turned away in thought. "That must be it. We've got to get to the Kennedy Center!"

 

[Dleg]

The Chucktown had reached a stalemate in its battle with the female stormtroopers. On her way back into the sub, through the Chucktown's AG-1N1 Mark V boarding tunnel, Captain klk had pulled the manual disengage lever on the Typhoon's P3-N15 boarding probe, releasing the Chucktown. But the boarding process had irreparably damaged the airlock system in the AG-1N1, and the Chucktown was taking on water, and thus could not dive to escape the sub pen.

Zodiacs full of female stromtroopers assaulted its upper deck and sail in waves, but could not gain entrance. The Chucktown maneuvered continuously inside the cavernous Russian sub pen, preventing the stormtroopers from being able to board with their cutting torches. The most they had been able to do was get a crowbar on deck, but even that had been dropped into the icy, deep water.

 

[Dleg]

Captain klk stood in cold, ankle-deep water, peering intently through the periscope. "Dammit, Chuck! Can't you activate more pumps?"

"I'M GIVING YOU ALL I'VE GOT, CAPTAIN!"

Lt. Ble's voice came on the intercom. "Torpedo tube number 1 is loaded and armed, Captain!"

"Chuck, point us at the Typhoon!"

"YES, CAPTAIN KLK"

The sub swung around slowly, and the Typhoon, still sitting dockside and surrounded by stormtroopers, appeared in the periscope.

"Fire number 1!"

 

[Dleg]

Darth HVAC was giving orders to his stormtrooper commanders near the edge of the sub dock, when a stormtrooper on the deck of the Typhoon shouted "torpedo!"

The stormtrooper commanders immediately pushed HVAC to the ground, covering him with their armored bodies, just as the torpedo exploded. The force of the blast created a nearly catastrophic pressure wave inside the enclosed cavern, rupturing windows in the command center and causing large sections of the rock ceiling to collapse onto the dock and into the water. A huge boulder landed within a few meters of HVAC, followed by a shower of cold seawater which had been lifted by the explosion.

HVAC raised himself on an elbow to look at the damage, but could see nothing through the smoke and dust. "Somebody check the spheres! And close the blast doors! skuhh-huhhhh"

A second explosion sent a visible shock wave through the smoke, dust, and water vapor suspended in the cave's atmosphere. A large section of the Typhoon's missile deck had been layed open by the blast, and fell heavily over the section of the dock where HVAC was standing.

 

[Dleg]

The crew of the Chucktown let out a cheer when the first torpedo hit. But this stopped immediately as four thousand tons of rock hit the Chucktown's stern, crushing the rudder and jamming the propeller. Captain klk fell backwards with the sudden pitching of the sub towards the stern.

"CAPTAIN, I AM AFRAID I MUST SHUT DOWN PROPULSION. I AM BADLY DAMAGED" said Chuck, emotionless.

"Oh crap!" klk stood and regained her view through the periscope. They were now drifting directly toward where the Typhoon had been, as large chunks of the Russian sub fell all around them from the second explosion. The brief period of straight travel after the rudder had been crushed had allowed them to accelerate to around 15 knots.

klk keyed the intercom, "Brace for impact!"

 

[Dleg]

It was not much of an impact. The Chucktown came to rest relatively softly amidst the wreckage of the Typhoon's missile compartment. klk watched through the periscope, and saw dozens of stormtroopers climbing over the wreckage, headed straight for them, carrying weapons and placing sections of wreckage as makeshift boarding ramps over the remains of the Typhoon's missile compartment deck. Three stormtroopers carried an acetylene bottle.

"They're going to cut their way in!" klk keyed the intercom again. "All hands! Collect your rifles and prepare to repel boarders!"



"CAPTAIN, I DO NOT THINK IT IS WISE TO RESIST. YOU SHOULD OPEN THE HATCHES AND SURRENDER."

"What??!! We can't surrender now, what the hell is wrong with you, Chuck?!"

"CAPTAIN, IF THEY CUT THROUGH MY HATCHES, WE WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE HERE. WE NEED TO KEEP ME OPERABLE. WE MAY STILL HAVE A CHANCE."

klk thought for a moment. She knew Chuck was probably right. She picked up the intercom and addressed the crew again: "Belay that last order! We're going to surrender!" She paused and looked at the startled faces of the crew around her. "We can't let them cut into our hatches! Don't worry, I'll think of a way out. All hands return your rifles and prepare for surrender! Open all hatches!" klk returned the intercom handset, grabbed her stormtrooper helmet and taser rifle, and headed aft through the rising water.

 

[Dleg]

klk made it to the stern, where she saw the water continuing to pour through the Chucktown's damaged ******. She banged on the door with her armored gloves.

"Wilheld! Wilheld Goddamnit! You have to come out now! We're surrendering! Nobody cares anymore!"

A voice responded from behind the door. "But! But! But they'll take Candy! You know she's in big trouble! I can't let her just be handed over to those thugs!"

"Aw Goddamnit Wilheld! I told you already! Just tie her hair up and put her in my uniform! They'l never know the difference!"

"But we did that, and she can't fit!"

"Oh ********, Wilheld! Let me in! I can make her fit!"

The door opened and Wilheld let her in through the knee-deep water. TK 439 was standing at the rear of the room, attempting to cover a pair of the largest, most perfect breasts klk had ever seen. She wore klk's coveralls, but they could only be zipped to just above the navel.

"Jesus Christ! You weren't kidding! Look at those things!"

TK 439 blushed.

"Here, take my sports bra, and just smash them down." klk reached into a drawer, fishing out a featureless gray top.

Candy struggled to get it on, finally succeeding. "Jesus, klk, she looks like a mother hen now!" said Wilheld, and he was pretty much spot on, thought klk.

"It'll have to do! Now get the fudge out of here, I'm going to hide out in the shower and try to blend in once they board us!"

Wilheld and Candy waded out of the room, but turned back at the door. "klk, I seem to recall we had a deal?"

"Aw ****, Wilheld, fine! Here! Take them!" klk fished out the silver eagles from a white plastic ammo pouch on her belt, and handed them over.

 

[Dleg]

Several stormtroopers had surrounded the section of Typhoon deck that had fallen over Darth HVAC, who had been spared because of the large boulder that had fallen near him just moments before, creating a small pocket of safety. Two stormtroopers tugged at his arms, finally freeing him, but at the expense of one of his black jackboots, which stayed behind, pinched under the crumpled steel decking.

"Are you allright, Lord HVAC?" asked one of them.

"Yes, yes, I am fine. skuhh-huhhhhh. How are the spheres? Was there any damage?"

"No sir. And I am pleased to inform you that we have captured the Chucktown."

"Excellent! Do you have the Mark 69? skuhh-huhhhh"

"Yes, sir! Our technicians are removing it now!"

"Excellent! My Master will be most pleased! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

 

[Dleg]

Goredalff sat at the head of the large table, opposite King Touchdown. Along the sides of the table sat the most legendary beings in all of Middle West, the heroes of the fight against Lindor. The table was covered with piles of delicious smoked meats, baked breads, potato and vegetable dishes, and above all, pint after pint of the most delicious, fresh ale VTEnviro had ever tasted.

The table was hero-sized, so VT, cement, and JR were required by necessity to sit at a smaller table near the fireplace, along with Testee. VT and JR were enjoying themselves immensely, turning to listen and laugh as the legendary heroes told tales of deeds past and present, including the battle that had taken place earlier in the day. cement sat quietly and picked at a turkey leg and twitched. The day had not gone well for him. Every once in a while VT or JR would slap him merrily on the back and say something like "Hey! It could have been worse!"

 

[Dleg]

King Touchdown slammed his ale tankard on the table three times to get everyone's attention.

"I'd like to propose a toast to Sschell and the dragon roadwreck, who have once again saved the day, like so many times before!"

Tankards were raised around the table. "Here, here!" came the responses.

Goredalff raised his tankard next. "Friends, let us not forget the heroic contributions of our little friend cement, and his noble sacrifice, again and again and again! LOL!"

The table busted out in laughter, and Big P. lifted the now famous hobbit from the kids' table, and passed him around, giving every jubilant dinner guest a chance to slap him on the back and raise their tankard to him.

"Hey cut it out, you guys! This has been bad enough without all this manhandling! Put me down!"

Big P. held him over the center of the table and hung him from the chandelier by his coat, and the table erupted in laughter again.

"Come on, you ********! I'm serious! That's enough!"

"Tell us the story again!" shouted Mr. Man. "Tell us what it was like to be chewed and eaten by a Troll! Over and over and over and over - " the rest of his request was drowned out by rowdy laughter again, and the sound of chairs being pushed back while guests got up to get their refills from the ale barrels.

 

[Dleg]

"Alright, alright." cement said, swinging from the wrought-iron chandelier. "So there I was, fighting off the waves of flying noobs just like everyone else, and killing them left and right, just like everyone else. I mean, what's the big deal? Right? They're just noobs. They don't have any teeth. Any claws. Any weapons. They're mostly just an annoyance, right?

"So I see something happening over to my right, near the south tower. One of the noobs has morphed into this gigantic troll, completely unexpected like, right? So no one notices, and he comes up behind PE-ness, and just flattens him with his hammer!"

"And believe me, my friends, that hurt!" chimed in the one-eyed, sword fighting legend.

"And then another troll pops up and takes out Box of Rocks! And then another, and Squitchy goes down! And then Tony Soprano!" cement was enjoying the attention now. "And all this time, I see sschell flying around on roadwreck, not doing a damn thing!"

The dragon roadwreck snorted from where he lay by the fireplace. cement continued: "And then suddenly I realize that all these trolls are walking my way! And then..."