FBI Job interview

[IlPadrino]

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are all contracted by a rancher to build the most efficient fence in which to house his stable of cattle.

The engineer builds a large round fence around the property claiming that is the most practical and efficient design.

The physicist scoffs at the engineer and starts drawing up plans for a fence that would circle the earth thus improving on the efficiency of the engineers design, however drastically reducing the practically of it.

The mathematician walks over, grabs four small segments of fence that he builds into a square around himself and says, “I declare myself to be on the outside!”

 

[roadwreck]

NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS for 2008 and beyond.

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor

to mistake

himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no

allowance, the

wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their

pants as the market

keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your

assets equally

between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been

disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears

down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker

for $240 per

share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker

who bought Yahoo @

$240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now

locked up in a

nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

 

[DVINNY]

Subject: Fwd: Unhinged

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he

sent his wife Mary toHome Depot.

At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was

waiting for Walt the manager to finish waiting on a customer.

When Walt was finished with the customer, Mary asked 'How much for that

faucet?'

Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.'

'My goodness that sure is a lot of money!' Mary exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to

buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Walt yelled, 'Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?'

Mary replied, 'No, but I will for the faucet.'

 

[sehad]

NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS for 2008 and beyond.
CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor

to mistake

himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no

allowance, the

wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their

pants as the market

keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your

assets equally

between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been

disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears

down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker

for $240 per

share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker

who bought Yahoo @

$240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now

locked up in a

nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

Having dabbled in the stock market a few times, this is AWESOME!

 

[DVINNY]

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take

her someplace expensive....so, I took her to a gas station..... and then

the fight started....

*********************************************************

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Milller

Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I

told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold

cream. And that's when the fight started.

************************************************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to

apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my

driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I

had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but

I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She

said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she

processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my

experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might

have gotten disability, too'

And then the fight started.....

***********************************************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school

reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she

sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand

she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I

hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could

go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

************************************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were

alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and

little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,

'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one

are you?'

And that's how the fight started.....

******************************************** *********************** *****

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some

reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's how the fight started.....

 

[Supe]

:Locolaugh:

I'd be castrated if I ever pulled the "mad cow" one.

 

[KEG]

A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, 'We have special requirements for new parshioners. You must abstain from sex for an entire month.'

The couple agreed, but returned after only two and a half weeks.

When the pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying, and the husband was obviously very depressed.

You're back so soon...is there a problem?' the pastor inquired.

'We're terribly ashamed to admit that we didn't manage to abstain from sex for the required month.' the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

'Well, the first week was difficult. However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible....anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.

'One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it.

'When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there,' admitted the man, shamefacedly.

'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church,' said the pastor.

'We know,' said the young man, hanging his head. 'We're not welcome at Home Depot, either.'

 

[Supe]

LMAO! Should have seen that one coming...

 

[Guest]

'We're not welcome at Home Depot, either.'

That's AWESOME !!! :lmao: :lmao:

:appl: :bowdown:

JR

 

[DVINNY]

INNOCENCE IS PRICELESS

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning, Alex.'

''Good morning, Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this?' The pastor said, 'Well son , it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.' Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, 'Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?'

 

[TXengrChickPE]

YOU'VE GOTTA LOVE DRUNK PEOPLE

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!' He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.

 

[Supe]

LOL, that's a groaner for sure.

 

[DVINNY]

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires.'

 

[DVINNY]

An elderly gentleman...

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

 

[DVINNY]

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

 

[DVINNY]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

 

[DVINNY]

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

 

[DVINNY]

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. '

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,

The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?'

 

[DVINNY]

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

'So I hear you're getting married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'

 

[DVINNY]

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'