FBI Job interview

[Supe]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.' Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes, ' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked 'How does that feel?'

He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'

 

[DVINNY]

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man comes into the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread - on the very top shelf - he politely says to the young woman, "I'd like some raisin bread, please." She climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, providing the young man with an excellent view, just as he surmised she would. When she comes down the ladder, he says he really should get two loaves as he is having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he orders a loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread just to watch the young woman climb up and down. After many trips, she is tired, irritated and thinking she is really going to have to try the raisin bread herself. Once again she is up the ladder retrieving a loaf of raisin bread for another male customer.

She stops and fumes, glaring at the men below. She notices an elderly man standing among the crowd of males looking up at her who hasn't placed an order yet. Thinking to save herself another trip up and down the ladder, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin, too?" "No," croaked the old man, "but it's a quiverin'"

 

[Dleg]

A doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer are at lunch one day, discussing what each of them would hope people would say at their funerals.

The doctor said "I want people to just say, 'he was a good doctor, and a great father and husband'."

The lawyer said "I want people to say 'he treasured justice above all else'."

The engineer said "I want people to say 'Hey! Look at that! He's moving!'."

 

[DVINNY]

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Joe,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work

leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't

driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out

and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my

husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was

in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter. I am 41, my husband

is 44, and the neighbor's daughter is 22.

We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke

down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been

feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him

the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant.

He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Sheila

******************************

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused

by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that

there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the

vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all

grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,

Joe

 

[DVINNY]

Riddle of the Day

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a small one.

Madonna doesn't have one.

The Pope has one but doesn't use it.

Clinton uses his all the time.

Bush is one.

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.

Liberace never used his on women.

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.

Cher claims that she took on 3.

We never saw Lucy use Desi's.

What is it?

Answer below!

***************************

Spoiler

The answer is: 'A Last Name.'

 

[DVINNY]

Subject: Fw: Harley Dude

A young woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange developmenton the inside of her thighs . . . a green spot on the inside of each.

"They won't wash off, they won't scrape off and they seem to be getting worse.

The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her

not to worry until the tests come back.

A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor.

She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.

The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy - - there's no

problem. But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"

The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"

"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."

 

[MA_PE]

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tees.

The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet. She goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, 'I guess all those fu*king lessons I took over the winter didn't help.'

One of the men immediately responds,

'Well, there you have it, you should have taken golf lessons instead!'

He never even had a chance to duck.

 

[Flyer_PE]

Country music at it's best:

 

[Dleg]

^^ Oooh, that's harsh!

(my screen shows nothing at all!!!!)

 

[Flyer_PE]

(my screen shows nothing at all!!!!)

It's a youtube video of Aaron Wilburn doing a song called "If My Nose Was Running Money".

 

[snickerd3]

LETTER FROM A FARM KID ...

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are.

Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 A.M. but I am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things.

No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay.

Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there¢s warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the city boys that live on coffee.

Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us.

If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different.

A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home.

Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

This will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting.I don't know why.

The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges.They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy.

It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home.

I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake.I only beat him once.

He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Carol

 

[frazil]

LOL! I was waiting for the joke - that's pretty good.

 

[DVINNY]

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live. Given the

prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please... just one more time before I die."

She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep. Morris, however, worried about his impending, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..."

At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Morris, I have to get up in the morning... you don't."

 

[DVINNY]

One day Steve Johnson has one of his rehab houses fall on him and he fines himself in hell.As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...

Satan:"Why so glum?"

Johnson:"What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Satan:"Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

SJ:"Sure, I love to drink."

Satan"Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila,Guinness, wine coolers,Bud lite,Fresca. We drink 'til we throe up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."

SJ:"Gee that sounds great!"

Satan:"You a smoker."

SJ:"You better believe it"

Satan:"Then you're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer- no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"

SJ:"Wow...that's awesome!"

Satan:"I bet you like to gamble."

SJ:"Why, yes as a matter of fact I do."

Satan:"Good,'cause Wednesday you gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."

SJ:"Cool!"

Satan:"What about drugs?"

SJ:"Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean....?

Satan:"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares."

SJ:"Wow!!I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

Satan:"You gay

SJ:"No..."

Satan:"Oooooo. Fridays are going to be tough..."

 

[DVINNY]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as

part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said,

'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office

and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous

day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc,

it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I

tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for

help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still

nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with

her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first

with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it

between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

 

[DVINNY]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man.

'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'

 

[DVINNY]

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While on his way home, he asks the cabbie if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabbie agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabbie tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his nude wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited the money.

HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.

HE paid for our new Mercedes Benz convertible.

HE paid for your Maple Leafs season tickets.

HE paid for your Argonauts season tickets.

HE paid for our lake front house in Cobourg.

HE paid for our cottages in Kelowna and Muskoka.

HE paid for our speed boat.

HE paid for your country club membership, and...

HE even pays for your monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side to side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabbie and says, 'What would you do?'

The cabbie replies, 'I'd cover his butt up with that blanket before he catches a cold.

 

[DVINNY]

A man walked into the clubhouse and noticed a friend sitting in a corner wearing a neck brace.

He sat down and asked his mate what happened.

"Well, I was playing golf and I hit my ball into the rough," replied his friend.

Then I met a lady who was looking for her ball too.

Finding mine, I thought I'd give her a hand.

There was a cow nearby and I noticed that every time the cow twitched its tail there was a flash of white.

So I went over to it and lifted its tail and sure enough there was the ball.

I called out to the lady, 'Ma'am, does this look like yours?'

And the bitch hit me in the neck with her driver!"

 

[DVINNY]

A man and wife were playing in their club's annual "Guys and Dolls" tournament. The man was not happy about having to play, but his wife had insisted.

On the 12th tee, his patience had reached its limit. While his wife wasted time on the ladies tee, he decided to go ahead and hit his drive from the men's. Unfortunately, he misjudged his shot and his ball hit his wife in the back of the head, killing her instantly!

At the hospital the doctor came to talk to the husband. "Mr. Davies, we found a golf ball lodged 3 inches into your wife's brain, which was the cause of death. But, we have found something else that really puzzles us."

"What is it?" asked Mr. Davies.

"Well," said the doctor, "we also found a golf ball lodged 6 inches into her butt."

The husband dismissed the doctor with a wave of his hand "Oh, that was just my Mulligan!"

 

[DVINNY]

George was not having a good day on the golf course. After he missed a twelve inch putt, his partner asked him what the problem was.

"It's the wife" said George. " As you know, she's taken up golf, and since she's been playing, she's cut my sex down to once a week".

"Well you should think yourself lucky" said his partner. "She's cut some of us out altogether!"