FBI Job interview

[Dleg]

That's a classic. I got that one off EB about a year ago, and told it in front of a group fo 35 people. It went over extremely well (they were drunk).

 

[DVINNY]

Moral of the story....

One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home

and think of a story and then conclude with the moral of that story.

The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer

to tell a story. Suzy said, "Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the

truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday

we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the

road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies,

"Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Next is little Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we

take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only

8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story.

Lucy replies "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane

was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with

only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he

drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of

100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun but ran out of

bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on

his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands".

The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any

moral to his story. Billy replies, "Don't f*ck with uncle Ted when he's

been drinking."

 

[DVINNY]

http://s428.photobucket.com/albums/qq8/upi...nt=Husbands.flv

 

[Guest]

Taken from Best of Craigslist ...

Dear Internet Porn,

These last ten years have been quite a trip, have they not? My letter to you now, however, is not one of celebration... I don't feel like we are the same anymore. We just don't have that passion we used to.

When we first met I was a loser, and you were there for me. My parents told me that you were no good for me, but I didn't listen. You showed me that there were plenty of people like myself getting laid. It was beautiful and passionate. Your softcore erotic videos were a tasteful introduction to my budding sexuality.

As I got older I started seeing girls on the side. I knew you were jealous, but you have always held a special place in my heart. You became naughtier and it affected my relationships. I started wanting all the things I had seen you do. I wanted to be just like you. I wanted to cover my girlfriend's face, put it up her ass, choke her.

But that's when I realized your dark secret, Internet Porn. You aren't real: you are a fake and shallow individual. No girl wants a load on her face! Anal sex hurts and humiliates, and choking only leads to bruises that friends and loved ones ask about. You lied to me and changed my sexual expectations. Now no girl can please me.

I know it isn't all bad. You've taught me so much. I can surf the internet with either hand and I know all the keyboard shortcuts for my browser. I know positions that aren't even in the Kamasutra. But you have such a dark side. I've been late for work more than once and I find myself wanting to jerkoff at six in the morning. That's what you've done to me.

Even now, on the eve of Christ's birth, I sit hunched over my computer, penis in hand. I had to turn the nativity scene around so that Jesus wouldn't see your filth. Try as I might, I can never hide you well enough either. It is harder to find you squirreled away on my hard drive than it is to get into my online bank account. Yet there is always lingering evidence. I've told you time and again to stop leaving your things at my place. But you ALWAYS forget something: a shortcut here, an unclear history there.

There's no acceptance when you are discovered either. It might have been ok when we started - just innocent flirting with softcore. But now my girlfriends discover my asphyxiation collection, or that one goat video. I hate that you always invite your shadiest friends over when you come.

So I have one request. I know I can't get rid of you... you are the psychopathic stalker to my teenage horror film. But if you won't leave me alone, can you at least do me one favor? If I ever die, can you please format my hard drive? All of them? If you can't do that, just burn my place down. My family can never know of my shame.

- Your shamed lover

 

[Vishal]

Dad at the Mall

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?' Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one,

and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. 'Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

 

[Dleg]

OK, this might not go completley understood, but I think the underlying jokes are pretty funny. [i'll try to add in some translations where needed]

These are some "local" jokes as told by the islanders (Chamorros) where I live:

One day after work a haole [white] guy decided he wanted to go drinking so he

did. As soon as he got into the bar he yelled out T.G.I.F. He yelled

it 3x and a Chamorro walks up to him and said "Hafa gatchong, what

does that mean?" The haole responded, "THANK GOODNESS IT'S FRIDAY."

Immediately the Chamorru yelled S.H.I.T. and the haole goes "What does

that stand for?" The Chamorru replies, "STUPIT HAOLE, IT'S

THURSDAY..."

************************************************************************

There was this Chamorro man lining up at an ATM. He noticed the first

man in line was Japanese. When the Japanese man put his credit card

in the ATM, Japanese Yen came out. The Chamorro man was a bit

confused. The next man in line was a Pilipino and when the Pilipino

man put his credit card In the ATM, pesos started to come out. The

Chamorro man was surprised and put his credit card in the ATM to see

what kind of currency would come out...... Food Stamps started to

come out!!~

************************************************************************

Jose was passing by Pedro's house and noticed that Pedro was on his

boat in the front yard. Jose couldn't help but notice Pedro holding

an oar and was paddling like crazy. "Primo[cousin/friend], What are you doing Lai?"

said Jose. Pedro replied, "I'm trying to get to the other side". At

this Jose got pissed off and yelled at Pedro "You know what prim,

you're the kind of people that'll embarrass the Chamorro race, coz if

I knew how to swim I'll go over there and slap your face!"

************************************************************************

Tun Jose still enjoyed chasing girls even when he got to be 75. When

his wife Tan Josepha was asked if she minded, she answered, "Ai adai,

why should I be upset? Even dogs chase cars, but they cannot drive."

************************************************************************

Kin comes home and hears hard breathing female noises from inside the

house; he walks inside to find his wife on the floor of the living

room naked. His wife yells, "Ayuda yu, (help me), I am having a

heart attack". Kin runs in the other room to call 911 when one of his

kids ran up to him and says "Daddy, Daddy, there is a naked man in

the closet". Kin opens the closet door and sees his friend Juan.

He yells at Juan, "Lanya adai Juan, my wife is having a heart attack

and here you are trying to scare the kids"!!!

 

[EM_PS]

On a carribean vacation, a married couple walked into a tourist shop. The Jamaican said to them,'I

have some special sandals I think you would be interested in.

Dey make you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the

man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex

god he was, even if it was in his mind .

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you into a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and

tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild

look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink

of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a

table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants and grabbed a firm

hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming 'You got dem on de wrong feet! You got dem

on de wrong feet!'

 

[DVINNY]

CONFESSIONS:

Box Donation

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his

Priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

 

[DVINNY]

Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

 

[DVINNY]

Catholic Dog:

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish

Priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

 

[DVINNY]

Donation:

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

''This is the Tax Dept. Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

''He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'

 

[DVINNY]

Confession:

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old . .. . I'm telling everybody!'*

 

[DVINNY]

Four married guys go fishing. After an

hour, the following

Conversation took place.

First guy:

'You have no idea what I had to do to be

able to come out fishing this weekend!

I had to promise my wife that I would

paint every room in the house next weekend'

Second guy:

'That's nothing, I had to promise my

wife that I'd build her a new deck

for the pool.'

Third guy:

'Man, you both have it easy! I had to

promise my wife that I'd remodel the

kitchen for her.'

They continue to fish. When they

realized that the fourth

guy hasn't said a word, they asked him.

'You haven't said anything about what

you had to do to be able to come fishing

this weekend. What's the deal?'

Fourth guy smirks and says:

'I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When

it went off, I shut off my alarm,

gave the wife a slap on her butt

and said: 'Fishing or Sex?

She said:

'Wear sun-block.

 

[DVINNY]

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop- dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

 

[DVINNY]

[No message]

 

[cement]

 

[cement]

damn that's funny

 

[DVINNY]

since tasteless is the topic for the day:

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spent the next hour

just scratching his nuts - - something she seemed

to love to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,

'Why do you love doing that?'

'Because,' she replied, 'I really miss mine.'

 

[csb]

AUGH!

:appl:

 

[Dleg]

since tasteless is the topic for the day:

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spent the next hour

just scratching his nuts - - something she seemed

to love to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,

'Why do you love doing that?'

'Because,' she replied, 'I really miss mine.'

I LOVE IT! A new joke for me to tell this weekend!

Something in another thread reminded me of this one:

Little Billy's father walked in to his room and caught him masturbating. "Son! You need to save that for when you're married!"

"OK. I'm sorry Dad."

Time passes, and little Billy has grown up and gotten himself engaged. As Billy is getting into his tuxedo just prior to the service, he asks his father:

"Dad, remember that time you caught me jerking off, ad you told me to save it until I was married?"

His father chuckles and says "Yeah, I remember that. Why?"

"Well, I've got a 55 gallon barrel of the stuff now. What am I supposed to do with it?"