FBI Job interview

[Master slacker]

With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No way!" he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied............

"Go look in the garage."

 

[Master slacker]

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM...'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared.... I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'

 

[Master slacker]

...I turned around and asked her, "Do you have a pen?"
She smiled and said, "Of course I do!"
I replied, "Well, you better get back to it before the farmer realizes you're missing."

 

[DVINNY]

[SIZE=10pt]Vern works hard at the Phone Company but spends
Two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard,
So for his birthday she takes him to a localStrip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says,
"Hey, Vern! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been tothis club before.
"Oh no," says Vern. "He's in my bowling league ."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern
If he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortableand says,
"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws herarms around Vern,
starts to rub herself allOver him and says...
"Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Vern's wife, now furious,
Grabs her purse and
Storms out of the club.

Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in Beside her.

Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper
Must have mistaken him for someone else,But his wife is having none of it

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,
Calling him every 4 letter word in the book..


The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

VERN'S FUNERAL
WILL BE HELD
THIS COMING FRIDAY.[/SIZE]

 

[Master slacker]

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'

Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right.

Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

'No Kidding,' he said. 'Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?'

 

[DVINNY]

[SIZE=14pt]I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people.[/SIZE][SIZE=14pt] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]People move out of the way much faster now.

You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]If they are holding a gun, she's probably angry.

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]Now they drink like their fathers.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]That's common sense leaving your body.

I don't like making plans for the day.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

I didn't make it to the gym again today. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]That makes five years in a row.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim?[/SIZE][SIZE=14pt] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]If you find one, what's your plan.?[/SIZE]

 

[blybrook PE]

Best friends graduating from medical school at the same time decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist. They put up a sign reading: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors. The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

The docs changed it to read: Schizoids and Hemorrhoids. This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign to read: Catatonics and High Colonics. This was also a no go. Next they tried Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives. Thumbs down again.

Then came Minds and Behinds - still no good. Another attempt resulted in Lost Souls and Butt Holes - unacceptable again! So they tried Nuts and Butts - no way. Freaks and Cheeks - still no good. Loons and Moons - forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends.

Everybody loved it!

 

[Dark Knight]

Two very old guys meet each other at a park. One ask the other...

Old Man 1: How is your sexual life now?

Old Man 2: Like the Coca Cola

Old Man 1: I am a Gigantic DoucheBag

Old Man 2: First it was normal, then Light, and now Zero

 

[Flyer_PE]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since

she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped of the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on

Earth did you know that?”

[SIZE=11pt]The drunk replied, “Cuz you're ugly."[/SIZE]

 

[Lumber Jim]

REDNECK LENT

EACH FRIDAY NIGHT AFTER WORK, BUBBA WOULD FIRE UP HIS OUTDOOR GRILL AND
COOK A VENISON STEAK. BUT, ALL OF BUBBA'S NEIGHBORS WERE
CATHOLIC....AND SINCE IT WAS LENT, THEY WERE FORBIDDEN FROM EATING MEAT
ON FRIDAY. THE DELICIOUS AROMA FROM THE GRILLED VENISON STEAKS WAS
CAUSING SUCH A PROBLEM FOR THE CATHOLIC FAITHFUL THAT THEY FINALLY
TALKED TO THEIR PRIEST. THE PRIEST CAME TO VISIT BUBBA, AND SUGGESTED
THAT HE BECOME A CATHOLIC.

AFTER SEVERAL CLASSES AND MUCH STUDY, BUBBA ATTENDED MASS... AND AS THE
PRIEST POURED HOLY WATER OVER HIM, HE SAID, "YOU WERE BORN A BAPTIST,
AND RAISED A BAPTIST, BUT NOW YOU ARE A CATHOLIC.

BUBBA'S NEIGHBORS WERE GREATLY RELIEVED, UNTIL FRIDAY NIGHT ARRIVED, AND
THE WONDERFUL AROMA OF GRILLED VENISON FILLED THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
THE PRIEST WAS CALLED IMMEDIATELY BY THE NEIGHBORS AND AS HE RUSHED INTO
BUBBA'S YARD CLUTCHING A ROSARY AND PREPARED TO SCOLD HIM, HE STOPPED
AND WATCHED IN AMAZEMENT.
THERE STOOD BUBBA, CLUTCHING A SMALL BOTTLE OF HOLY WATER WHICH HE
CAREFULLY SPRINKLED OVER THE GRILLED MEAT AND CHANTED: "YOU WUZ BORN A
DEER, YOU WUZ RAISED A DEER, BUT YOU IS NOW A CATFISH.

[SIZE=12pt]AMEN[/SIZE]

 

[Lumber Jim]

 

[Supe]

Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, ‘stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner. He says to himself, ‘I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
No response
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. ‘Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'


'For F*-#? sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'

 

[Supe]

 

[Supe]

The smartest muscle in the human body is the sphincter. It can tell the difference between a solid, a liquid and a gas. Most of the time.

 

[matt267 PE]

Now I know why I'm always in trouble.

 

[Dexman PE PMP]

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’

‘I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, ‘Okay. Go ahead. ‘

Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’

The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’

The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.

‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.’

 

[Supe]

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. 

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. 

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following: 
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come 
again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time. 

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives, " 

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell *'Mississippi'." 

 

[Supe]

[COLOR= rgb(0, 0, 0)]A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" [/COLOR][COLOR= rgb(0, 0, 0)]The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" [/COLOR][COLOR= rgb(0, 0, 0)]The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!" [/COLOR][COLOR= rgb(0, 0, 0)]The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. [/COLOR][COLOR= rgb(0, 0, 0)]To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. we're going at night!"[/COLOR]

 

[Supe]

On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in Newcasle were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowploughs can get through". So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said,

"We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.

You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through”. The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.

You must park...." Then the electric power went out.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,

"Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time."

 

[MetsFan]

The Hotel Fire

An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist are staying for the night in a hotel. Fortunately for this joke, a small fire breaks out in each room.
The physicist awakes, sees the fire, makes some careful observations, and on the back of the hotel's wine list does some quick calculations. Grabbing the fire extinguisher, he puts out the fire with one, short, well placed burst, and then crawls back into bed and goes back to sleep.

The engineer awakes, sees the fire, makes some careful observations, and on the back of the hotel's room service list (pizza menu) does some quick calculations. Grabbing the fire extinguisher (and adding a factor of safety of 5), he puts out the fire by hosing down the entire room several times over, and then crawls into his soggy bed and goes back to sleep.

The mathematician awakes, sees the fire, makes some careful observations, and on a blackboard installed in the room, does some quick calculations. Jubliant, he exclaims "A solution exists!", and crawls into his dry bed and goes back to sleep.