nashbmattPE
Well-known member
Just read this funny story
Killer Chilli, Be Afraid, VERY AFRAID...
>
> I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure
> that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I
> had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my chili. Tasty stuff,
> albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written
> guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt
> cheeks WILL fall off.
> Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups
> of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No
> 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanero peppers swimming their way
> through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning
> symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as 'thunder and
> lightning'.
> Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just
> when, I bravely set off for the market, a local Wal-Mart grocery store
> that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.
> Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart
> and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.
> It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the
> restrooms that the pain hit me Oh, don't look at me like you don't
> know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, gotta go'
> pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time The thing is, this
> pain was different.
> The habaneros in the chili from the night before were staging a
> revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the
> small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and
> before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which
> would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning
> shot.
> There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped
> in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded.
> I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might
> escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the
> lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of
> it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.
> I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her
> reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to
> dissipate. Have you ever been torn in two different directions
> emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least
> will be able to relate.
> I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she
> walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor
> so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and
> running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her
> head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made
> Me feel terrible, but then made me laugh... BIG mistake!!!!!
> Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped
> down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive
> issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and
> echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked,
> fearing that at the very least, someone was robbing the store and
> firing off a shotgun; or, at the worst, Islamic terrorists had invaded
> Wal-Mart with AK-47's blasting away, and launching a toxic nerve gas
> attack.
> Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced
> off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the
> whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took
> place.
> Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john,
> began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat
> because my butt is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in
> while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and
> Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and then quickly left.
> Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled
> cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee
> approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a
> few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the
> store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute
> or two which ought to take care of the problem.'
> That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me.
> The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover
> his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S
> YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was
> unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly
> not to return.
> Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing
> to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls.
Killer Chilli, Be Afraid, VERY AFRAID...
>
> I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure
> that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I
> had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my chili. Tasty stuff,
> albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written
> guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt
> cheeks WILL fall off.
> Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups
> of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No
> 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanero peppers swimming their way
> through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning
> symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as 'thunder and
> lightning'.
> Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just
> when, I bravely set off for the market, a local Wal-Mart grocery store
> that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.
> Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart
> and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.
> It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the
> restrooms that the pain hit me Oh, don't look at me like you don't
> know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, gotta go'
> pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time The thing is, this
> pain was different.
> The habaneros in the chili from the night before were staging a
> revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the
> small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and
> before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which
> would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning
> shot.
> There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped
> in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded.
> I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might
> escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the
> lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of
> it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.
> I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her
> reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to
> dissipate. Have you ever been torn in two different directions
> emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least
> will be able to relate.
> I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she
> walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor
> so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and
> running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her
> head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made
> Me feel terrible, but then made me laugh... BIG mistake!!!!!
> Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped
> down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive
> issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and
> echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked,
> fearing that at the very least, someone was robbing the store and
> firing off a shotgun; or, at the worst, Islamic terrorists had invaded
> Wal-Mart with AK-47's blasting away, and launching a toxic nerve gas
> attack.
> Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced
> off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the
> whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took
> place.
> Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john,
> began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat
> because my butt is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in
> while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and
> Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and then quickly left.
> Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled
> cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee
> approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a
> few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the
> store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute
> or two which ought to take care of the problem.'
> That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me.
> The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover
> his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S
> YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was
> unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly
> not to return.
> Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing
> to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls.
