The Daily Dilemma

[frazil]

I often want to post about a particular problem I'm wrestling with, but I don't want to start a new thread. So I thought I'd start a new thread where you can post your problem (small or huge) and get advice from obviously the best problem solvers in the world!

So here's my current dilemma...

My in-laws live about 2 hours away and would like to move closer to us. That's great - I get along with them well and it would be wonderful to have them around for the kids. My MIL has this idea that we could pool our resources and buy a large house and piece of land in a very desirable neighborhood. The school district is great, the land is beautiful, but it would mean we would be living very, VERY close to my in-laws. Not to mention the legal issues of sharing the purchase of property, which I'm not even sure how we would handle. Could this work? Or is it just asking for trouble?

 

[Flyer_PE]

IMO, It's asking for trouble. As a rule, it's never a good idea to co-mingle finances with friends or family. The relationship you have with your in-laws WILL change as a result. The gamble is whether the result is still a livable arrangement.

 

[RIP - VTEnviro]

I got along really well with my former in laws, we always had good times visiting. But after a week of staying here/there, we were all ready to have our personal space back.

I think he only way I could deal with living with an extended family member is if they were very sick and needed care.

 

[MA_PE]

Unless they are snowbirds and will be gone for ~6 months a year, I'd vote against it. Your family needs some alone time. One option would be a duplex with completely separate apartments, but even then I think it's too close for comfort (hey that could be a sitcom).

 

[MA_PE]

I got along really well with my former in laws, we always had good times visiting. But after a week of staying here/there, we were all ready to have our personal space back.

I think he only way I could deal with living with an extended family member is if they were very sick and needed care.

That situation would be even worse because you'd need to dedicate time to care for them. I hope it never happens.

 

[RIP - VTEnviro]

^This happened with my grandma when she was terminally ill when I was in high school. It was not the most fun thing but one of those labors of love you need to do now and then.

 

[Road Guy]

Wouldn't work for me, but I could see if you had a large piece of land and two houses that were a long walk between them and then I think it would work but that's the only way I could stretch it..

Sometimes it's nice to put the kids to bed and have business time on the sofa...

 

[frazil]

That would be the idea. Initially there's an in-law apartment they would stay in while they built their house somewhere else on the property.

Thanks for all the input. Everyone I've mentioned this to gives me a similar response, "are you crazy?!". But I grew up down the road from my grandpa and that was really great, so I feel like it might work. Actually it's the financial aspect that worries me most.

 

[snickerd3]

I wouldn't even consider that with my OWN parents. Down the street in the same town is probably the closest I could handle. But like RG said, if it was a large enough piece of land to put houses on completely opposite ends it could work. ALthough for the financial part the first thing I would do is subdivide the lot so you each can pay your own way.

 

[RIP - VTEnviro]

Minimum distance for me is too far to show up unannounced for dinner on a Tuesday.

 

[maryannette]

Fraz, my current situation is that my MIL lives IN THE SAME HOUSE as my husband and me. It is a transition situation while our house is being built on the same property (about 35 feet between them). We are making it work because it is the right thing for her - she is 83 and doesn't do well on her own. We don't have the financial questions because we own the entire property and she contributes to household expenses. It is a challenge, but has benefits. My MIL actually helps with housework. I never expected her to, but it is good for her and she needs to be needed. She does most of the laundry, which is a huge help. I don't expect her to do the same when we move to the new house, but she at least will continue to have interaction with family. One of the best things that has happened is the closeness that has grown between MIL and our younger daughter. Daughter was home from college for the summer and they spent a lot of time together and are much closer than ever before.

 

[MA_PE]

separate houses could work as long as everyone gets along well and understands the boundries. No storming into the other house without proper protocol.

Sometimes it's nice to put the kids to bed and have business time on the sofa...

the kids must be sound sleepers. Livin' on the edge......I like it!

 

[Guest]

I think the real question is that you are going to have expectations and your inlaws are going to have expectations - is everyone on the same page? Can you reasonably work through the rough spots in the road that invariably arise when your space (or theirs) is invaded?

My experience, like others, hasn't been very positive, but that isn't to say it can't work given the right circumstances.

 

[Capt Worley PE]

No.

Just, no.

 

[roadwreck]

I have friends who have their whole family living on the same street! Grandma, grandpa, mom, dad, uncles, aunts, cousins, siblings, etc.. Not only do that all live next to one another but they all work together (family business). It works for them, but then they grew up that way so they are pretty used to it. It probably also helps that they live out in the middle of nowhere and each of them lives on acres and acres of land.

Me, I live 45 minutes from the in-laws and 45 minutes (in the opposite direction) from my parents and I think both are way to close.

 

[snickerd3]

Our life would turn into an Everyone loves Raymond sort of situation if either family lived within walking distance...no thanks

 

[engineergurl]

Pennsylvania to Alabama has been a bit far as I haven't seen my parents in over two years... we will see how it is when I get to Virginia next week...

 

[willsee]

Nothing wrong with living close to family IMO

But I wouldn't split the financials in any way. I would have them divide the land in two and you each purchase your own separate.

 

[mudpuppy]

I grew up on land that had been in my mom's family for 100 years. Great uncle next door on one side, great grandma on the other, uncle next to her, great aunt next to her, another great uncle across the road from there and my grandparents next to them. All these houses pretty much in sight of each other, but there's fields in between so there is *some* separation. Everyone had an open door policy for the most part, so us kids came and went all the time. Made it hard to get in trouble as a kid (or easy depending on how you look at it).

I think that's kind of the last of a bygone era. These days it seems most families live 100s of miles apart, if not 1000s.

 

[Capt Worley PE]

I grew up on land that had been in my mom's family for 100 years. Great uncle next door on one side, great grandma on the other, uncle next to her, great aunt next to her, another great uncle across the road from there and my grandparents next to them. All these houses pretty much in sight of each other, but there's fields in between so there is *some* separation. Everyone had an open door policy for the most part, so us kids came and went all the time. Made it hard to get in trouble as a kid (or easy depending on how you look at it).

That isn't too far off from the way I grew up. Odd addendum is that my Dad's forefathers owned the land at one time and about a decade and a half passed between the time they sold it and my Mom's forefathers purchased it. There is even a cemetery on site that has marked and unmarked graves going back a couple of centuries on dad's side.

I think that's kind of the last of a bygone era. These days it seems most families live 100s of miles apart, if not 1000s.

Yep. Probably had more changes to the family unit in the last 100 years than we had in the millenia before it.