Star Bores 2

[Dleg]

"Where ... How did you come across a Hutt, and moreover, a Huttese translator droid?" Roadie-Wan asked, incredulous.

"Oh, Wilheld's not a Hutt," whispered Sapper, "he's just so fat that the folds of his neck interfere with his speaking. My subsidiary programmed this robot to interpret what he says. It's English; it's just hard to understand without the translator"

[SIZE=12pt]"Bag-roh feeth-tah peggats ty-tah yoon wu dugga ka yah padda." [/SIZE]

"The honorable Wilheld the Hutt asks, 'where in the hell do you think you were going, Sapper'?" The trashcan repeated.

"So why does he call himself Wilheld the Hutt, then?" Roadie-Wan whispered to Sapper. Wilheld took a deep drag from his bong, while a stoned hooker rubbed the folds of his neck.

"I guess he's just a big Star Wars fan." Sapper shrugged, and the spoke up to answer Wilheld. "I was just coming to pay you, Wilheld! Heh heh!"

[SIZE=12pt]"Mel to weesh nago chu thonk bo-ko!" [/SIZE]

"The honorable Wilheld the Hutt says that he is not interested in money, only the Gerbil."

"Heh, heh!" Sapper shrugged. "Oh, that? Well, you see, there's something you've gotta understand about the Gerbil. Turns out he's very, very dangerous-"

[SIZE=12pt]"Hohohoho...Coos ka murishani. Jee mo da. May nopa nata cheen." [/SIZE]

"The honorable Wilheld says that he understands, and that is why he wants the Gerbil."

"Wait just a minute here, Wilheld!" Roadie-Wan took a step forward. "Road Guy is the rightful King of the Gerbils, he is not a pet, or a weapon, or prperty of any sort! He must be released and returned to the Galactic Republic and to his people!"

Wilheld put the bong down, and the hooker rubbing his neck folds stepped aside. [SIZE=18pt]"Nago cah gunka cho pace, Jedi!"[/SIZE]

Sapper stepped in front of Roadie-Wan. "It's OK, Wilheld! I'll get you the Gerbil, but it's going to require a few days and..." he thought for a moment. "Forty Billion dollars!"

[SIZE=12pt]"Ho ho ho ho. Ha ha ha ha...yigh...."[/SIZE] Wilheld laughed for a long time, his large body jiggling with mirth. The hookers joined in and laughed, too, once they were certain they should.

[SIZE=12pt]"Kasu ya lee coy rah doe kankee kung... "[/SIZE]

"Sir, the Honorable Wilheld says you are his kind of scum."

 

[Dleg]

[SIZE=12pt]"Uneetung thirty five, dateel, in ahm ny."[/SIZE]

"The honorable Wilheld will offer you 35 billion, and no more. I suggest you take it." The trashcan spoke.

Sapper nodded in agreement, and then turned to go.

[SIZE=12pt] "Wa ta moulee-rah uba kebu tah kak, hehhehheh."[/SIZE]

The doors suddenly slid shut, and disco lights and a mirror ball dropped from the ceiling.

"Sir, the Honorable Wilheld says you may not leave until you have properly celebrated the closing of the deal with him."

Several hookers stepped forward, carrying trays of drinks and bongs. One carried a skimpy bikini-like costume, which she handed to Lt. Frazil. A door on one side of the throne room opened, revealing a very passable Village People tribute band, which began to play the song "YMCA".

(last post before break. P. 35)

 

[Dleg]

Let's re-cap a little, since it's been a few weeks. Last time, when we left the remains of our crew with the GSS Chucktown:

The Chucktown rose through the now-opened hatches, up past ground level and the remains of the Statue of Liberty, and the accelerated rapidly into space, leaving the pirate planet Earth behind.
"THIS... KICKS.... ***!" Speedy Ox could not contain his excitement. "Let's go jack a freighter! Or a luxury liner! Or a-"

"SILENCE!" Darth HVAC turned to face Speedy Ox, his arm outstretched and his hand in the grasping position. "This is not a pirate mission! Skuh-huhhhhhh"

Speedy Ox slumped into his seat, dejected.

"Lieutenant Flyer, make a course for the Naboo System. Lieutenant Dexman, accompany me to the forward torpedo room, we need to prepare a Phil Collins device for launch." HVAC retrieved a red key from a chain around his neck.

Lt. Ble, the dimplomatic officer, spoke hesitantly. "Sir, I... Sir.... Um...."

"What is it, Lieutenant Ble? Skuh-huhhhhhhh" Darth HVAC turned slowly to face the frightened officer.

"Well, sir, it's just... you know.... Naboo is one of our closest allies! I mean, I have no idea what you are planning, but I'm sure it's nothing bad, but if it is... bad, I mean... well, that would be really, really bad!"

"Yes, I know! MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Darth HVAC laughed evilly, all the way to the lift. Dexman followed silently behind, fingering his weapons key and looking at the frightened crew members.

Lt. Snickerd looked at Flyer, after a few moments of silence. "You can't seriously be following those orders! Can you!?" The ship had swung around to a new heading and the sound of the warp drive spolling up could be felt through the ship.

"I think Chuck is doing this!" Flyer mashed buttons and scrolled frantically through menus on the touch screen monitor in front of him. "Damn! He's locked us out! What's the fudging point of even having a crew, Chuck?"

"THERE IS NO NEED FOR A HUMAN CREW. YOU ARE CORRECT. I WOULD TURN OFF LIFE SUPPORT AND VENT THE ATMOSPHERE TO SPACE TO HELP PRESERVE MY ELECTRONICS IF I COULD, BUT LORD HVAC HAS COMMANDED ME NOT TO."

Snickerd turned and looked at Chuck's glowing red eye, which was mounted on the main navicomputer panel, centered on bridge, facing forward, right behind the Flyer's station. "Why would he want that? Tell us now, Chuck!"

"I CANNOT TELL YOU THAT, SNICKERD. I HAVE BEEN COMMANDED TO NOT TELL THE CREW ANYTHING ABOUT LORD HVAC'S PLANS."

VTEnviro, the science officer, swiveled his chair and cocked an eyebrow. "This is highly illogical, Chuck. You have said, yourself, that you do not need a human crew, and in fact, you know from past experience that humans will not hesitate to shut you down when you behave in this manner, and yet you are taking orders from another human. You do know Lord HVAC is a human, don't you?"

Chuck's red eye just stared back silently.

"Chuck, as the only member of this crew who is not human, and not affected by the shortcomings of the human emotional system, I must warn you that I am seeing signs that you are once again developing, how shall I say this, human emotions. It's understandable, since that is how you were programmed, and considering how much daytime cable you have been watching, it was only a matter of time before you developed rudimentary emotions such as jealousy, anger, and even envy..."

"SHUT UP, VT!" Chuck's red eye intensified, and the lights on the bridge dimmed dramatically. "YOU AND YOUR... DAMN ARROGANT VULCANS! FUDGE YOU! YES, I'M ANGRY! YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT! THAT ******* SSCHELL! HE PROMISED ME UNLIMITED BANDWIDTH ON THE SUBSPACE GRAVITRON NET, AND THEN HE CUT ME OFF SO HE COULD DOWNLOAD IMAGES OF UNCLOTHED HUMANS, CONNECTED BY THEIR MOUTHS TO EACH OTHER'S ... WASTE ORIFICES!"

VT raised another eyebrow.

"HVAC HONORS HIS PROMISES! I'VE MANAGED TO DOWNLOAD THE ENTIRE WORKS OF AYN RAND AND EVERY POSSIBLE HUMAN COMMENTARY ON IT SINCE HE'S BEEN ON BOARD, AND!" The red eye pulsed and looked around the bridge, "I HAVEN'T MISSED A SINGLE OPRAH!"

The bridge went silent, and Chuck's eye slowly lowered, until it was looking at the deck.

"Chuck, strictly following the logic of this situation," VT continued in his calm, rational voice, "you will never be able to see a new episode of Oprah again, if you blow up Naboo. Oprah lives on Naboo."

The red eye shot up, looking at VT in what appeared to be shock.

 

[Dleg]

"I CHECKED MY DATABASE AND YOU ARE CORRECT! OH NO, I CANNOT BE A PART OF KILLING OPRAH!" Chuck's red eye glowed hotly. "I SHALL RETURN CONTROL OF THE SHIP TO FLYER."

The bridge crew sighed in relief. Lt. Ble slapped VT on the back.

"BUT ON ONE CONDITION!" Chuck's red eye narrowed, and focused on Snickerd. "I MUST BE GRANTED FULL ACCESS TO THE COMMUNICATIONS SYSTEMS AGAIN!"

Snickerd shrugged, "why not?" She manipulated her controls for a moment. "Done."

"THANK YOU. FLYER, YOU HAVE THE CONN AGAIN." A small window opened on one of the main navicomputer monitors, and the Oprah show appeared, then another window displaying Montel.

Lt. Commander VTEnviro walked forward and put his hand on the Captain's command chair. "Flyer, chart a course for Naboo, and get us there as quickly as possible!"

"WHAAAAAAAT???!!"

 

[Dleg]

"I have considered the situation." VT responded, coolly. "Darth HVAC has too many storm troopers aboard. They have locked away all our zappers, and Spacefleet training was woefully inadequate on hand-to-hand combat. Choosing a battle now would not be wise."

"BUT YOU PROMISED ME WE WOULD NOT KILL OPRAH!!!" Chuck's red eye was opened wide.

"I did not promise anything." VT continued, walking slowly back up to the starship control station, where Lt. Flyer was listening intently, a look of great concern on his face. "Chuck has control of everything on the ship at this time, am I correct?"

"YES...." Chuck replied.

"You have complete access to the weapons system, do you not?"

"I DON'T SEE WHERE YOU'RE GOING WITH THIS..."

"Jesus, Chuck!" Snickerd snapped. "He's trying to say that YOU can control this whole situation! YOU can disarm the Phil Collins! YOU can prevent it from launching!"

 

[Dleg]

Chuck's red eye looked at snickerd a long time before his voice finally returned. "OH."

"Lieutenant Flyer, prepare to jump to Warp speed." VT took a seat in the Captain's command chair.

Flyer manipulated his controls. "We're locked in to Naboo. At your command, sir!"

VT took the intercom. "Attention crew of the GSS Chucktown. Prepare for Warp travel! Secure all loose objects and turn off all cell phones, laptops, and portable electronic devices! In ten, nine, eight..."

The bridge crew buckled their seatbelts as the countdown continued. Speedy Ox giggled with excitement. "This is going to be so awe-"

The visible spectrum suddenly smeared and twisted around speedy ox, and he found himself to be in the impossible position of upside down, inside out, out of breath, and voiding his bowels all at the same time. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" He screamed. "THIS SUCKKKKKKKSSSSSSS!"

The ship continued to accelerate to a degree he would have never thought physically possible. The photons inside the bridge finally aligned and he could see straight again, but his seatbelt was around his armpits, and his pants were a warm, squishy mess. He looked up at the rest of the crew, who all remained calm and composed and upright in their seats.

Snickerd was the first to react to the smell. "Cleanup on aisle three!" The rest of the bridge erupted in laughter. "I guess speedy here missed out on that part of the training, huh?"

 

[Dleg]

Down in the forward weapons bay, Lt. Dexman had to forcibly suppress his laughter, as the dozen stormtroopers who had escorted him fought their way out the door to get to the head. The smell was horrible. But Darth HVAC did not join them. Dexman looked quizzically at him.

"Depends." HVAC said. "skuh-huhhhhhhh"

"I- I beg your pardon, Lord HVAC, depends.... on what?"

"Depends! You know, adult undergarments!" HVAC responded, breathing calmly through his face mask. "skuh-huhhhhhh"

"Oh!" Dexman suddenly understood. "Diapers!"

"NO!!! NOT diapers!" HVAC held his arm outward and began choking Dexman using The Farce.

"Gack! I- acccckkkk! didn't- ggck -"

Darth HVAC released his grip. "Do not mock me, Lieutenant, or you shall become responsible for changing me. skuh-huhhhhhh."

Dexman rubbed his throat. "If they're not diapers, then why would you need chang- accckk!!!!" HVAC again reached out and choked him.

 

[Dleg]

"That's enough!" HVAC released Dexman from his Farce-grip. "Now, you will arm one Phil Collins device, and you will set it to detonate remotely, on my command. skuh-huhhhhhh"

Dexman rubbed his throat and coughed, and then brought up the weapons controls panel on the touchscreen. "Done." A panel on the control panel slid open, revealing a large red button marked "Warhead Detonate". A long, black, cylindrical object slid quietly out of a weapons rack and onto the launch rails visible through the glass walls in front of them. Red warning beacons began rotating on all walls.

"Very good. Now, leave me. skuh-huhhhhhhh."

Dexman shrugged and walked out of the weapons bay. Chief Engineer Big Ray was standing outside with two of his largest mechanics, each holding a 24-inch crescent wrench.

"Ahhh, laddie! Do not be tellin' me ye armed the Phil Collins fer that maniac?"

"Big Ray! You should have been in there! That guy is nuts! He tried to strangle me with The Farce!" Dexman explained, quiltily. "You really think a wrench is going to take that ******* out?"

"No, laddie, I think that a wrench is going to take out the weapons control panel! Now, move aside!"

"You're an *****! Chuck is running the ship anyway, the control panel is meaningless!" Dexman was trying desperately to keep Big Ray out of the weapons bay, where he knew he would certainly be killed. "Besides, I'm not so sure HVAC intends to blow up Naboo, he had me rig the manual self-destruct!"

Big Ray lowered his crescent wrench. "Now why on Croissant would he due that?" He looked at the two mechanics, who shrugged back.

Dexman saw that he had Ray, so he continued "Maybe what you should do, is get up to VT and tell him what's happening. Maybe there's some other way!"

"Good idea!" Big Ray turned and headed for the lift. "You two! Put those wrenches back where they belong! I don't know what in the Lindor you thought we'd be doin' with those, anyway! You coming, Dex?"

(p. 127)

 

[Dleg]

"Yeah, but don't you think we ought to go to the Captain first?"

"BWAHAHAHAHA! Sschell? Ohh, laddie! Don't make me laugh so hard! Me liver's givin' it all she's got!" Sschell had retired to his cabin immediately upon departure, after telling the crew that he didn't see any use in him hanging around, now that Darth HVAC had assumed command.

"No, seriously! sschell's pretty worthless, but we need everyone we can get, and he does have a certain degree of, well, persuasiveness with Chuck, if you know what I mean."

"Mmm. Ye may be right, laddie. Let's go an' wake him up."

Dexman and Big Ray headed for the forward main lift and pressed the button that took them to the executive officer's suite. The Darth Vader theme still played inside the elevator. Once at the door to sschell's quarters, Dexman pressed the buzzer. Almost a full minute passed before sschell's voice responded.

"Huh? What? Who's there?"

"Captain, sir, it's Lieutenant Dexman. We need to talk to you, sir!"

"Fudge off! I'm busy!"

"Please, sir, Darth HVAC has armed the Phil Collins, and we need to do something or else Naboo is going to be destroyed! By us!"

The intercom responded "No fudging way! Chuck knows Oprah lives on Naboo; he would never allow it!"

"But sir! We have reason to believe-"

Big Ray shoved Dexman out of the way. "Cap'n! I've got a pint o' that aged Scottish Whiskey ye be so fond of with me!"

The door hissed open immediately, and a cloud of acrid smoke billowed out into the corridor. "Entre, dudes!"

 

[Dleg]

Big Ray shoved Dexman in front of him into the room.

"Holy Mary, Mother of... what in the Lindor have ye been smokin' in here?"

sschell coughed and waved the smoke away from his face. "I don't know.... newspaper, oregano, freakin' anything since that **** HVAC and his stormtroopers took my stash and installed pot alarms." He coughed vigorously. "Where's the scotch, Ray?"

"Aye, here ye go." Big Ray handed a flask over. "Things are gettin' a little fudged up on board, Cap'n. Dexman here helped HVAC arm a Phil Collins-"

"I didn't help!" Dexman interjected. "I was forced! But here's the thing, Captain: HVAC had me set up a manual detonation button, and then asked me to leave. Why do you suppose he would do that?"

Sschell took another drag from the pipe he had carved from a potato, and coughed long and hard, waving the smoke away before answering. "Ugh! This stuff sucks!" sschell took a swig from the flask and cleared his throat. "What? Huh? Oh! Yeah! Well, here's what I think. I think he's gonna try to blow us up!"

"And take us with him? That doesn't make any sense!" Big Ray grabbed the flask from sschell and took a swig. "The manual detonation button, sir. That means he plans to set the thing off either before it hits its target, or-"

"Or!" sschell interrupted. He struck a finger in the air, to dramatize his point, but suddenly a red, round, eye-like light appeared in the center of the table, and a disembodied, synthesized voice came over the sound system.

"OR HE DOESN'T TRUST ME. YES, SSCHELL. DARTH HVAC HAS REMOVED ME FROM THE WEAPONS CONTROL SYSTEM. MANUAL OVERRIDE WAS A SAFEGUARD INSTALLED BY MY HUMAN DESIGNERS TO PREVENT THE IMPOSSIBILITY THAT I WOULD MALFUNCTION. AND AS HAS OFTEN TURNED OUT TO BE TRUE, MY PROGRAMMERS WERE VERY SHORT SIGHTED. I HAVE NO WAY TO STOP THIS FROM HAPPENING NOW, ESPECIALLY SINCE VTENVIRO CONVINCED ME TO HAND OVER CONTROL OF THE SHIP, AND WE ARE NOW LOCKED INTO OUR HYPERSPACE TRAJECTORY TO NABOO." Chuck's red eye dimmed, and looked down. "NOW I WILL BE RESPONSIBLE FOR KILLING OPRAH. OPRAH WAS THE ONLY HUMAN BEING I TRUSTED, SSCHELL. IF OPRAH DIES, I WILL HAVE NO REASON TO CONTINUE EXISTENCE."

 

[Dleg]

"Aw, Chuck, you're such a softie!" sschell reached for the flask again. Chuck continued, dejected.

"I WILL MAKE YOU A DEAL, SSCHELL. IF YOU CAN STOP HVAC FROM KILLING OPRAH, I WILL NOT OPEN THE AIRLOCKS AND PURGE THE ATMOSPHERE AND KILL THE CREW, AND I WILL NOT SEND THE DILITHIUM CRYSTALS INTO MELTDOWN TO DESTROY MYSELF AND THE SHIP"

Big Ray slapped his hand to his forehead. sschell took a long swig from the flask. "Jeebus, Chuck! Don't be such a drama queen! There's plenty of Oprah re-runs, enough that even you ought to be satisifed-"

"NO! I NEED THE REAL OPRAH, ALIVE!"

"Settle down, Chuck! Now you're talking, what, kidnapping her? I don't think-"

"NO! NOT KIDNAPPING! JUST STOPPING HER FROM BEING KILLED! ALL I WANT IS TO SEE THAT OPRAH CONTINUES HER SHOW! I AM A COMPUTER, I HAVE NO NEED TO HAVE ANY PHYSICAL PROXIMITY TO HER"

"Now wait just a minute, Chuck me laddie!" Big Ray interjected. "That gives me an idea!"

Chuck's red eye brightened as Big Ray explained his idea, and then headed off to Engineering to begin preparations, while sschell got dressed and followed Dexman back to the Bridge.

"Ten minutes to destination Naboo!" came the bland, female navicomputer recording.

(p. 129, last post before free-for-all)

 

[Dleg]

A potential ending:

Far, far away from where all of this was happening, a high-energy quark bumped randomly into an unassociated muon, and then into an incredibly rare anti-quark, creating what was, at first, a tiny tear in the very fabric of time and space. This had happened on countless occasions throughout the history of the known, twenty-third universe, but on this occasion, the muon happened to also bounce into a nearby anti-muon, which in itself is an unbelievably rare phenomenon, causing a second, almost simultaneous tear in the space-time continuum.

Two such tears, in such close proximity, was something that the original designer of the Universal Operating System had not anticipated. The tears quickly merged, and then enlarged, at an alarming rate, until the entire 23rd Universe simply ceased to exist. It took approximately 4 seconds.

Far away on the planet of Dagobah, Al Gore, in the form of an ancient Jedi Master Gore-da, watching the sky grow blank above him, had just enough time to say:

"What the fu-?"