Star Bores 2

[Dleg]

The screen displayed an attractive female commentator seated in front of a staged newsroom, a ticker-tape display along the bottom, important-sounding music, and the GNN logo of the Galactic News Network. A picture-in-picture display showing a stock photo of the GSS Chucktown appeared to her side, and she began her report as the music faded.

"Heading up the hour is the still-unbelievable story of the rogue Spacefleet crew of the GSS Chucktown, pictured here, who destroyed the Gerbil Planet Omicron-4 and who are apparently responsible for the rash of pirate attacks recently experienced in the Gamma quadrant of the outer rim. We go now to our reporter on nearby Betatron-7."

The screen filled with the image of what appeared to be a gecko, holding an earpiece to the side of his head. "Yes, Barbara! That is correct! What is becoming apparent now is how this horrifying holocaust appears to be but the tip of a giant, rotten iceberg of piracy, villainy, and just flat out nastiness. Just one Galactic Standard Day prior to the disintegration of Omicron-4, we have reports of over four hundred vessel hijackings within the same quadrant!"

Barbara interrupted. "And how is Spacefleet responding to this emerging threat?"

"Barbara, yes. Spacefleet cannot of course give us exact numbers, but within this sector alone, we have recorded the arrival of over fifty Spacefleet starships. They are all on orders, we have been told, to destroy the Chucktown upon sight."

The screen split to show both Barbara in the newsroom and Charles the gecko. "That's terrible, Charles! Do we have any further word on survivors of the Omicron-4 tragedy?"

"No, Barbara, it appears so far that there were no survivors. This is Charles the Gecko, signing off from Betatron-7, where the whole planet is in a state of fear."

 

[Dleg]

Frazil slapped her hand to her forehead. Supe's mouth hung open. bebones just shook his head and motioned for another drink.

Roadie-Wan spoke. "Mr. Sapper, what is it your planet wants with the Galactic Republic? I can assist in starting up diplomatic relations if you-"

"I don't give a crap about diplomatic relations, or even what the planet wants. There is no "planet" anyway, not at least in terms of any government. It's just all Wilheldburton, and my place within Wilheldburton is to attempt to reverse-engineer captured alien technology. It's just a paycheck." Sapper leaned back and smiled. "A pretty big one, too!"

"What could you possibly want with our technology? You obviously have all the power you need to capture a Galactic Republic Starship, and move an entire planet through intergalactic space." Roadie Wan continued.

"Capture your starship? We didn't capture you! You guys landed here of your own accord, presumably to hide out! We get a lot of that."

"Nonsense! You captured us in your sucktor beam!"

"Our what? BWAHAHAHAHAHA!" Sapper laughed.

"Your.... suck.... tor...." Roadie Wan continued, increasingly uncertain.

"Oh, man!" Sapper wiped his eyes. "You got one of those suck-tor beams on your ship? 'Cause I would really like to get my hands on that technology!"

Supe chimed in. "Uh, no, actually, those only come on Vengeance-class ships and above."

Sapper slowly recovered from laughing. Roadie Wan looked even more confused. "We... didn't land here on our own, Sapper. We were forced down."

"Nope!" Sapper pushed some buttons on his remote, navigated through some menus, and displayed a text readout titled "Spaceport of New Yorkington Landing Log".

"See right there? GSS Chucktown hailed Port at 13:27 from sector 7.41006 to request permission to land. Port security placed on standard alert. GSS Chucktown landed at 13:46 p.m., piloted by ship's computer in relay with Port of New Yorkington Navisystems."

"Chuck!" Supe, Roadie Wan, Frazil, and benbones said, in unison.

 

[Dleg]

"Wait, what?!" Sapper stood suddenly, his face ashen. "Chuck!!??" His glass slipped from his hand and shattered on the floor. "Your ship's name is the Chucktown! The motherfudging Chucktown! OH MY GOD! WHAT HAVE WE DONE???!!!!!!"

 

[Dleg]

Sapper staggered to the bar and swiped a bottle of tequila. "I should have seen this coming! The FOOLS!"

Roadie Wan looked at Supe, Frazil, who both shrugged. :dunno: They stood and walked over to the bar. benbones remained seated and just rolled his eyes.

"What fools, Sapper?" Roadie Wan asked.

"Wilheld!" Sapper put the tequila bottle down and grimaced as he swallowed. "Wilheld and those fools up at corporate! They said there would be no problems at all, hopping between universes like that." Sapper laughed bitterly. "Road Guy! I should have known!"

"What about Road Guy?"

"Tell me, have you ever heard of a place called Middle West?" Sapper turned to face Roadie Wan.

"Well, of course! Middle West is our ancestral homeland! On Croissant, I mean."

Sapper shook his head and laughed bitterly again. "And the Knights of Eebie?"

"Certainly! Road Guy and the Knights of Eebie! That's our founding legends! Well, at least, so says The Bible. But there's ample evidence most of that has been made up, or altered throughout the years by the Church." Roadie Wan seemed somewhat pleased that Sapper knew something of his history.

"You don't happen to know anything about a guy named Al Gore, er, I mean, Goredalff, do you?" Sapper asked, taking the bottle to his lips again.

"You mean Master Gore-da! Well of course I do! In fact, I was hoping to get away from this **** hole - no offense - and go to see Master Gore-da on Dagobah to find out what in the Lindor is going on."

Sapper laughed low and long, shaking his head. "Lindor. Jebus." Suddenly he stood straight again, and dropped the bottle of tequila, which shattered on the floor. "Lindor! Chuck! HOLY CRAP!"

"Hey! Watch it with all the dropping and breaking!"

 

[Dleg]

Sapper grabbed Roadie Wan by the robes and shook him.

"Hey! Watch it!"

"Tell me!" Sapper said, with great urgency, "have you ever heard of anyone named Lindeburg!?"

Roadie Wan freed himself from Sapper's grip. "You mean Satan? Sure. He's locked away in Hell. Which is also known as Lindor."

Sapper sat down at a stool and put his head in his hands. "Locked away?! As in, never has been seen in person, in this universe?"

Roadie Wan responded with some hesitation. "Yeahhhh..... but The Dork Side is still strong, and Lind- I mean, Satan, controls things from inside Lindor."

Sapper laughed ruefully. "You haven't heard of anyone named tmckeon, GT_ME, rppearso, or ironman, have you?"

Roadie Wan sat on the stool next to him. "Yes, of course I have!"

 

[Dleg]

"In fact," Roadie Wan continued, intrigued, "I have sensed the presence of the one you call GT_ME since we arrived."

Sapper looked up at Roadie Wan, who continued:

"We call him Darth HVAC."

 

[Dleg]

sschell, Flyer, Captain Worley, and the Dark Knight entered the bridge of the Chucktown, carrying several boxes of booze.

"Hey guys! Look what we brought!"

snickerd and Dexman looked silently at them and made frantic gestures for them to shut up. But it was too late. The lift door hissed open, and six white-plastic armored stormtroopers exited, followed by a man dressed in a black life support suit, cape, and full face helmet.

"Sieze them!" The stormtroopers had the element of surprise, and soon had the four on the deck and in handcuffs.

"Skuh-huhhhhhhhhhhh" The black-caped man breathed noisily through his respirator. "I am your new Captain! Darth HVAC!"

 

[Dleg]

Thirty more stormtroopers arrived via the lift in groups of six, fully surrounding the bridge.

"Take them to the holding cells! Skuh-huhhhhhhh." Darth HVAC said, ominously. "But leave this one!" He pointed at Flyer. "I need someone who can fly this ship out of the port. After that, Chuck can take over."

The bridge PA speakers came to life with the sound of an electronic voice. "THANK YOU, LORD HVAC. I DO NOT NEED THESE INFERIOR HUMANS TO RUN THE SHIP. THEY CAN ONLY GET IN THE WAY."

"Silence, Chuck! You will do as you are told! Skuh-huhhhhhh......"

The stormtroopers began leading the prisoners away, one at a time, into the lift. Captain Worley spoke, as he was pushed away. "GT_ME! I remember you! What in the -" the lift doors closed behind him.

The Dark Knight glared at Darth HVAC. "I took you out once before, don't think that I can- GACK!" he grasped at his throat, choking.

Darth HVAC held his arm in front of him, his hand gripping the air. "MWAHAHAHAHAHA! I love this universe!" He released his grip, and The Dark Knight slumped to the floor, and was dragged to the lift by six stormtroopers.

"Anyone else care to state an opinion? No? Excellent! Skuh-huhhhhh....."

(p. 26, post 1275)

 

[Dleg]

"Lieutenant Flyer! Take the conn, and prepare to depart immediately! Lieutenant ... Damn! Where is the new comms officer? Skuhh-huhhhhhh....."

"Lord HVAC, the ship's roster states it is a Wilheldburton employee named Speedy Ox, and he is currently on deck twenty. I believe he may be lost, sir, shall I send someone for him?" Sensors Officer snickerd asked.

"No! You will personally see to it that he gets to the bridge! Go! Skuh-huhhhh...."

snickerd headed swiftly for the lift and descended to deck 20. She noticed that the muzak in the lift had changed. It no longer played "The Girl From Ipanema" in an endless loop. It now played the Darth Vader theme from Star Wars. She did not stay in the lift long enough to find out if it was looped.

She hit the 20th floor and immediately headed aft, passing a mix of stormtroopers and red-shirted enlisted crew, who all gave her quizzical looks. "Don't ask!" she stated. "Have you seen a civilian on this deck?"

A red-shirt pointed her down the corridor to the holograph deck. "Uh oh..."

 

[Dleg]

She entered and found herself in a replica of a 1970s Blaxploitation movie. She was on a dirty city street, dressed in a miniskirt and impossibly high heels. A dozen other hookers stood on the sidewalk beside her, as an endless parade of Cadillac pimpmobiles and Mercedes Benzes carrying rich white guys drove slowly past, holding out fists full of cash.

"Aw, crap! How the hell am I going to find him in this?"

"Oh, hey, sweet thang! How much for the, uh, boo-tay?!" A tall pimp in a ridiculous costume approached her, walking awkwardly. Snickerd eyed him for a moment, and then took his hand and yanked him back out through the holodeck threshold.

"Come on! You're supposed to be at the comms station! The ship is departing! There'll be plenty of time for the holodeck later on, once we're in space!"

"Aw, man!" Speedy Ox stumbled along behind her to the lift.

 

[Dleg]

"Speedy Ox! Let it be known I will tolerate no tardiness in my crew! Skuh-huhhhhhhh"

Speedy Ox stifled a laugh. "I'm sorry, sir. I'll try not to be tarded in the future!"

"Good! Now, contact the Spaceport and request clearance for departure. Skuh-huhhhhh"

"Uh, OK..." Speedy Ox looked at the trio of touchscreens, dozens of buttons and dials in front of him, and had simply no idea what to do. He saw a headseat on the edge of once screen, so he put it on and pretended to speak. "Uh, this is the WHS Chucktown, requesting, uh, clearance to leave the Spaceport." He looked sideways at Darth HVAC and winced. HVAC just stared back. Suddenly a voice came on the headohones: "Roger Chucktown, you are cleared for departure."

"Whoa! It worked! Ha ha! I told you I could do this job!" Speedy Ox looked around the bridge and stopped smiling. The other crew members just glared at him.

Flyer spoke up. "Sir, I am ready to depart, you should address the crew now."

"Wha? Me? Oh, yeah. Skuh-huhhhh" HVAC took the microphone. "This is your commander, Lord HVAC. You are departing on a voyage that will change your universe forever! Many of you will not return. Skuh-huhhhh.... Make that, Most of you will not return. Skuh-huhhhhh...." The bridge crew shot silent glances at each other. "But rest assured, your contributions to history will be noted. Skuh-huhhhhhh. Oh, and I almost forgot to add, please fasten your seatbelts, extinguish all cigarrettes, turn off all cellular phones and other portable electronic devices, and prepare for departure. Skuh-huhhhhhh."

 

[Dleg]

The Chucktown rose through the now-opened hatches, up past ground level and the remains of the Statue of Liberty, and the accelerated rapidly into space, leaving the pirate planet Earth behind.

"THIS... KICKS.... ***!" Speedy Ox could not contain his excitement. "Let's go jack a freighter! Or a luxury liner! Or a-"

"SILENCE!" Darth HVAC turned to face Speedy Ox, his arm outstretched and his hand in the grasping position. "This is not a pirate mission! Skuh-huhhhhhh"

Speedy Ox slumped into his seat, dejected.

"Lieutenant Flyer, make a course for the Naboo System. Lieutenant Dexman, accompany me to the forward torpedo room, we need to prepare a Phil Collins device for launch." HVAC retrieved a red key from a chain around his neck.

Lt. Ble, the dimplomatic officer, spoke hesitantly. "Sir, I... Sir.... Um...."

"What is it, Lieutenant Ble? Skuh-huhhhhhhh" Darth HVAC turned slowly to face the frightened officer.

"Well, sir, it's just... you know.... Naboo is one of our closest allies! I mean, I have no idea what you are planning, but I'm sure it's nothing bad, but if it is... bad, I mean... well, that would be really, really bad!"

"Yes, I know! MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Darth HVAC laughed evilly, all the way to the lift. Dexman followed silently behind, fingering his weapons key and looking at the frightened crew members.

 

[Dleg]

Sapper led Roadie-Wan, Frazil, Supe, and benbones to the dedicated subway line owned by Reverse Engineering Inc., and then to their private spaceport.

"This is where we evaluate some of the captured alien spacecraft." Sapper pointed around the cavernous hangar bay, but did not slow down.

Supe looked around. "Hey! That's a Correllian Spice Runner! And that's a Ewokian ore trader! And a Gungan Drug Runner! And a - HEY! How in the hell did you guys get a hold of a Spacefleet Shuttle?"

Sapper ignored him. "There! That's the one I saved for my own use." He turned slightly and headed toward a sleek, polished silver craft.

"Whoa! A Naboo 250! Sweet!" Supe said, enthusiastically. "I can pilot one of those, but they're really designed to be operated in conjunction with a navi-droid."

"Oh, we have one of those, too." Sapper pulled a keychain from his pocket and pushed a button. The silver spacecraft beeped twice, and a boarding ramp hissed smoothly downward from its belly. As they approached, a small, polished brass android shaped like a monkey walked awkwardly down the ramp to greet them.

"This-" Sapper held his hand out, "this is our navi-droid, D-VINNY."

The droid addressed them in a strange, metallic tone. "Howdy, Buck! vinny-vinny"

"Vinny, for the last time, my name's not Buck!" Sapper smiled back at the three as they walked up the boarding ramp. "Vinny, we need to get out of here, pronto! Get a bead on the course of that starship that just departed, but keep it quiet, will ya?"

"vinny-vinny. Roger, Buck!"

 

[Dleg]

Sapper walked through the short, but luxurious, leather-padded corridor to the bridge of the Naboo ship. The others followed behind and took seats. D-VINNY hobbled forward and extended a probe from his groin area, inserting it into a receptacle to the left of the pilot's station.

"vinny-winny"

The ship's engines began to spool up, and the various controls displays flickered and came to life.

"vinny-vinny. I have found the registered course of the Chucktown, Buck. vinny-vinny. The course is now set into our computer, and we are ready to depart! vinny-vinny."

"Excellent work, Vinny!" Sapper said, as the droid's probe retracted from the receptacle. Frazil giggled a bit at this. "Hey, don't look at me! This is one of your universe's designs!" Sapper said, laughing. "Supe, can you pilot us out of here now?"

"Certainly!" Supe took the controls, and slid the throttle handle forward a notch. The hum of the engines increased in pitch, and then suddenly dropped to idle again. All displays on the bridge switched to red 'DISABLED' screens.

"What did you do!?" Asked Sapper.

"Nothing! I swear! It just shut down!"

"vinny-vinny." D-VINNY hobbled forward again and jabbed his groin-probe into the ship's receptacle. "Uh-oh, Buck! The ship's been disabled by signal from Corporate headquarters! vinny-vinny."

 

[Dleg]

FIGURE 1: D-VINNY

 

[Dleg]

"Aw, crap!" Sapper held his hand to his forehead. "****! So all this is coming from Corporate! Those *******s!"

Supe removed his hands from the controls. "So what do we do? Can we take one of these other ships? I know I can fly that Spacefleet Shuttle, we don't have to file a flight plan."

"Sounds good! Let's go!" Sapper turned and walked briskly out of the Naboo ship, followed by Roadwreck and the Chucktown's former crew. D-VINNY hobbled along behind them.

"Hey! Wait for me, Buck! vinny-vinny."

They headed across the vast hangar bay floor to the boxy, white shuttle craft. A number of technicians examining a nearby alien craft snapped to attention and saluted as they passed. "As you were, boys!" Sapper saluted back and smiled.

Supe pressed the key combination to open the rear access doors, but nothing happened. "Damn! Did your guys change the password on this?"

"I doubt it. Our boys haven't been able to make heads or tails of this thing yet.

Supe continued to press buttons to no avail. "Wait a minute!" He reached into his blue uniform shirt and pulled out an access card. The door hissed open this time, and they entered quickly and took seats. The shuttle was considerably less luxurious than the Naboo 250.

"vinny-vinny. This ship sucks, Buck!"

Supe flipped switches on the overhead console, and the smooth whine of photon turbine drives warming up began. "I can fly this thing no problem, but can you get the hangar bay doors open?" Supe pointed upward.

"Should be no problem. I'll just give D-VINNY my personal password." Sapper held his hand to D-VINNY's ear and whispered the password.

"vinny-vinny. Password, Buck?"

"Yes, Vinny, the 'password' we just discussed. Heh heh!" Sapper smiled at the former Chucktown officers.

"vinny-vinny. That's a lousy password, Buck."

"OK gang, are we ready to do this?" Supe gripped the controls and looked back at Sapper, who gave the thumbs up. The photon drives were whining very loudly now. Everyone put on their headsets. Supe addressed them through the intercom. "We're outta here!"

The shuttle rose slowly at first, nosing up toward the roof of the cavern, which began to open, revealing another concrete lined room above them.

"Entering the air lock! Vinny, you got that password ready?"

D-VINNY jammed his groin-probe into a receptacle at the front of the shuttle cockpit. An electronic female voice sounded over the headsets. "Warning! Warning! Wrong hole! Wrong hole! Warning! Warning!"

"vinny-vinny. My bad!" D-VINNY moved his probe to the next receptacle. A bright light shone down on the ship, as the main airlock doors opened to the bright light of the Gerbil Sun.

 

[Dleg]

FIGURE 2: Spacefleet Shuttle, with Commander Supe Action Figure (incorrect uniform color - rare collectible!)

Later edition, with correct uniform:

 

[Dleg]

"So where is the Chucktown headed, Vinny?" Supe asked, squinting in the bright sunlight as the shuttle accelerated away from the planet's surface.

"Naboo! vinny-vinny"

"What!? Aw, ****!" The shuttle nosed down, and the whine of the engines spooled down as Supe eased off on the throttle. D-VINNY's probe popped out of the receptacle and drooped limply.

"What's wrong!" Sapper asked, removing his headset now that the noise had subsided. The others also took off their headsets.

"Naboo's only on the other side of the flippin' Galaxy, is what's wrong!" Said Roadie-Wan, sarcastically.

"These shuttlecraft don't have Warp Drive, and are limited to only a few light years range." explained Frazil.

"Well, what the fudge! What a piece of crap!" Sapper was at a loss. "I- I don't know anything about your piece of **** spacecraft, why didn't you say so?!"

"Why didn't YOU say the Chucktown was leaving this quadrant?!" Supe responded, insulted.

"Knock it off!" benbones had lost patience. "Everything we ever do is fudged up beyond belief! You know that, Supe! So let's not waste effort laying blame! Let's figure a way out of this mess!"

"Oh yeah? What do you suggest, benbones?!" Supe turned angrily towards the Doctor.

"Dammit, Supe, I'm a Doctor, not a ... a... problem solver!"

"How in the hell can you be a doctor and not a problem solver!?"

"Gentlemen! Please!" Sapper had regained his composure. "I think I know someone who can get us off this planet. But it's going to cost us. And we're going to have to underground. Figuratively in addition to literally."

All present listened intently. Sapper turned to the robot. "Vinny, can you set a course to New Montreal?"

"vinny-vinny. Sure, Buck!" The robot's probe sprang upright and slid back into the receptacle.

"Warning! Warning! Wrong hole! Wrong hole!"

"vinny-vinny!"

 

[Dleg]

The glare of the Gerbil Sun faded as Supe swung the shuttle around onto the new course plotted by D-VINNY, headed across the surface of the pirate planet Earth a few kilometers above the surface, not even enough altitude to begin to make out the skull-and-crossbones marking.

"vinny-vinny. Uh-oh, Buck! We've got company!"

The shuttle rocked with the force of several laser blasts fired very near the hull.

"Now what the fudge!" Supe said, trying to maintain control as several more blasts shot past them.

"Attention Shuttlecraft! This is Willheldburton Corporate Security! Do not attempt to evade or we will destroy you! Modify your course to follow our lead ship to Wilheldburton Corporate Headquarters! "I repeat..." The warning message repeated over their headphones, as a small fighter craft sped in front of them and switched on its flashing beacons, making a gradual turn to the left and down.

"FLY fighters! Dammit! How did you guys get a hold of FLY fighters!" Roadie-Wan asked, incredulous. "That's state-of-the-art Republic technology!"

"Pretty sweet, huh?" Sapper smiled. "Once in a while my boys do something right!"

"Speaking of your 'boys'," Roadie-Wan asked, with not a small hint of annoyance, "now would have been an excellent time to have my Swiss Army Saber back."

Sapper reached into his pocket and pulled the device out and handed it to Roadie Wan. "Dammit! I was kind of hoping I could hold on to that for myself! I really had some plans for the vibrating rabbit attachment!"

The shuttle descended in a big spiral, almost back to where they had departed from at the Port of New Yorkington. As they approached, escorted on all sides by Wilheldburton Corporate FLY fighters, an enormous structure that resembled a castle became visible on the planet's surface. An airlock opened in one of the tower walls.

"Oh ****. Wilheld's palace. This can't be good." Sapper had a grave look on his face. "It's possible I may be able to reason with him, but he's really changed. A lot!"

 

[Dleg]

The shuttle landed in the main palace hangar bay, and was immediately surrounded by heavily armed security troopers. Roadie-Wan opened the side door and stepped out. An officer approached him.

"I have orders to disarm you and escort your crew to Wilheld." Several troopers stepped forward and began patting him down along with the rest of the crew.

"Dammit! You can't have that! I made that at Jedi camp when I was twelve years old!" A trooper examined Roadie-Wan's Swiss Army Saber. Roadie-Wan regained his composure, and waved his hand in front of the trooper's face. "This is not a weapon! You may proceed." The trooper repeated the words and relased the device and Roadie-Wan.

The were led through a door into a rough, stone passageway, lit by flaming torches.

"What in the Lindor is this place?" Asked benbones.

"Wilheld's Palace." Sapper looked around, uneasily. "He's become increasingly ..."

They rounded a corner, and were greeted by a deep, gravelly voice.

[SIZE=12pt]"Barra mel basska dunta yah chona bantha poodoo. Hahaha."[/SIZE]

"... fat." Sapper cleared his throat. "Greetings, your, uh, excellency."

Wilheld was a large, slug-like creature. He sat on an elevated slab, surrounded by ornate carpets, pillows, and a golden bong that he smoked from. Several women dressed like hookers reclined around him in various states of inebriation.

[SIZE=12pt]"Coo yah pow wonda wunky, Jedi."[/SIZE]

A small robot that looked like a trashcan rolled forward and translated. "The honorable Wilheld the Hutt gives you his greetings, and welcomes especially the Jedi, Master Roadie-Wan."