Obama Jokes

[RIP - VTEnviro]

Choosing between a Giant Douche and a Turd Sandwich every year is only perpetuating the problem.

I loved that episode. I voted Turd Sandwich I might add.

 

[DVINNY]

I bought a new GMC Sierra and returned to the dealer yesterday because

I couldn't get the radio to work.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

"Nelson," the salesman said to the radio. The radio replied, "Ricky or

Willie?"

"Willie!" he continued and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.

Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant "Georgia On My Mind"

replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say,

"Beethoven," I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,

"Beatles," I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, some Mexicans ran a red light and nearly creamed my new

truck, but I swerved in time to avoid them.

I yelled, "Ass Holes!"

Immediately the Iranian National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane

Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie

Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on

harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton

on sax and Ted Kennedy On Scotch.

Damn, I LOVE this truck!

 

[DVINNY]

Once upon a time, on a farm in Virginia, there was a little red hen who scratched about the barnyard until she uncovered quite a few grains of wheat.

She called all of her neighbors together and said, 'If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who will help me plant it?'

'Not I,' said the cow.

'Not I,' said the duck.

'Not I,' said the pig.

'Not I,' said the goose.

'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen, and so she did. The wheat grew very tall and ripened into golden grain.

'Who will help me reap my wheat?' asked the little red hen.

'Not I,' said the duck..

'Out of my classification,' said the pig.

'I'd lose my seniority,' said the cow.

'I'd lose my unemployment compensation,' said the goose.

'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen, and so she did.

At last it came time to bake the bread.

'Who will help me bake the bread?' asked the little red hen.

'That would be overtime for me,' said the cow.

'I'd lose my welfare benefits,' said the duck.

'I'm a dropout and never learned how,' said the pig.

'If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination,' said the goose.

'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen.

She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see. They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the little red hen said, 'No, I shall eat all five loaves.'

'Excess profits!' cried the cow. (Nancy Pelosi)

'Capitalist leech!' screamed the duck. (Barbara Boxer)

'I demand equal rights!' yelled the goose. (Jesse Jackson)

The pig just grunted in disdain. (Ted Kennedy)

And they all painted 'Unfair!' picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities.

Then the farmer (Obama) came. He said to the little red hen, 'You must not be so greedy.'

'But I earned the bread,' said the little red hen.

'Exactly,' said Barack the farmer. 'That is what makes our free enterprise system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle.'

And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, 'I am grateful, for now I truly understand.'

But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never again baked bread because she joined the 'party' and got her bread free. And all the Democrats smiled. 'Fairness' had been established.

Individual initiative had died, but nobody noticed; perhaps no one cared... so long as there was free bread that 'the rich' were paying for.

EPILOGUE

Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.

Hillary got $8 million for hers.

That's $20 million for the memories from two people, who for eight years, repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything.

IS THIS A GREAT BARNYARD OR WHAT?

 

[Enginnneeer]

^^^ 'Not I' said the cat... I grew up learning to read The Little Red Hen.

 

[C-Dog]

How is this different than Bush holding a gun to my head and forcing me to pay tax dollars for education, transportation, and any number of other bureaucratic functions that could be more easily and cheaply handled by the private sector? We live under a socialist quasi-democracy as it is, but people only get worked up if somebody from the "opposite party" suggests that we descend further into socialism.

What strikes me of socialism is the [Republican led] government bailing out companies for bad business decisions. They always preach free markets and enterprise until the @#$% hits the fan, they there they are with a $100 billion to help out their chronies.

Also, the two presidents to grow record deficits have been republicans. I think they have lost the debate that they are fiscally minded.

 

[EM_PS]

^ War / conflicts do that

 

[FLBuff PE]

Funny...I thought we got out of the Great Depression during a war...

 

[Capt Worley PE]

We did, with large deficits.

 

[FLBuff PE]

We did, with large deficits.

You are correct, sir. I retract my statement. EM, I apologize for my snide remark.

 

[Chucktown PE]

What strikes me of socialism is the [Republican led] government bailing out companies for bad business decisions. They always preach free markets and enterprise until the @#$% hits the fan, they there they are with a $100 billion to help out their chronies.
Also, the two presidents to grow record deficits have been republicans. I think they have lost the debate that they are fiscally minded.

Perhaps you need a history lesson. This whole mess started with Bill Clinton and his cronies. See the attached article. And let us not forget that a democrat controlled congress created Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, Sallie Mae, Indy Mac, etc. The US taxpayer is on the hook for 3 to 4 trillion (with a T) dollars because of this malfeasance.

That being said, I believe all of the financial firms that made these risky loans, bought the credit derivatives precipitated by the risky loans, or insured the risky loans, should be allowed to fail. Make no mistake about it; this would result in a depression. However, I would hope that this depression would make people wake up to the fact that it is our government meddling in the free market, not the free market that is causing the pain. Once the federal government’s meddling has forced these firms to close, they’ll have no one else to extort and manipulate, hopefully leading to a classical liberal intellectual revolution.

 

[Wolverine]

One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama ." The Marine replied, "Sir, Mr. Obama is not President and doesn't reside here." The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama".

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is not President and doesn't reside here." The man thanked him and again walked away..

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already several times that Mr. Obama is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don 't you understand?"

The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine, I just love hearing your answer!"

The marine saluted and said, "Sir, Yes Sir. See you again tomorrow."

 

[frazil]

I guess this could be under Obama or McCain jokes...

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Did he cross it with a hare? Did he cross it with a bear? Did he check if the road was hot? I kinda doubt it, I think not! Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told. Just one more thing I have to say, it's been bugging me to this very day. If the Chicken is a she, why do we keep saying HE?

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Inter net Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra#@x&^(C%..........reboot

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

 

[DVINNY]

Love Colonel Sanders.

 

[Dark Knight]

That was a good and deep read Fraz.....thanks for the laugh. I did need it.

 

[RIP - VTEnviro]

Straight fron theonion.com

COLUMBIA, SC—In a nationally televised speech Friday, Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama altered his vision of a unified America to exclude Dayton, OH loser Nate Walsh.
According to Obama, the 32-year-old Walsh, who has lived with his parents intermittently since receiving his associate's degree in 2001 and still does not have a credit card in his own name, no longer figures into the senator's long-term plan of rallying Americans from all walks of life around a common, higher purpose.

"People of South Carolina, people of the world, this is our time, this is our moment," Obama said before 72,000 supporters at the University of South Carolina's Williams-Brice Stadium. "That is, unless you live in apartment 3L at 1254 Holden St., you watched Money Train on TBS last night at 3 a.m., and your name is Nate Walsh."

An excerpt from Obama's speech draws on his message of unity-minus-one.

"I have always said that the change we seek will not come easy, that it will not come without its share of sacrifice and struggle," Obama continued. "And the last thing we need is dead weight like Nate Walsh adding another 20 or 30 years to the process."

The speech, entitled "A More Perfect Union Minus Nate Walsh," was 26 minutes long and contained the words "change" 12 times, "hope" 16 times, and "Nate," in conjunction with the phrase "with the exception of," 34 times.

Although Obama remained vague on issues such as health care and foreign policy, the Illinois senator was praised for finally publicly addressing the issue of Nate Walsh. Obama took a hard-line stance on Walsh, calling the part-time driving-range employee the lone aspect of America he doesn't believe in, a citizen who can languish in the past for all he cares, and "on top of everything else, kind of a jerk."

"When I began this campaign, my mission was to help this nation share my vision for one America—not a black America, or a white America, or a Latino or Asian America," Obama said. "But now what I see, what I envision, is a Nate-free America. And once we get rid of that guy, there is nothing we can't accomplish. Nothing we can't achieve."

According to campaign strategist David Axelrod, Walsh's failure to remember his mother's birthday five years in a row, along with the fact that for the entire month of July he washed his hair with a bar of soap because he was too lazy to purchase shampoo, are examples of the kind of hopelessness Obama is trying to avoid.

"I am reminded of an instance early last year when Nate told his sister, Elizabeth, that he was going to start going to the gym three times a week after work," Obama said. "I was rooting for Nate. I thought that this time things would be different. That this time Nate would be capable of change. But it was just like 1997, 1999, 2000, and 2002 all over again. He went to the gym twice and quit."

"What a loser," Obama added.

In the hours following the speech, members of the McCain camp scrambled to respond to Obama's views on Walsh. In a statement last night, McCain applauded Obama's position on the loser, but criticized him for not offering any real solutions to the Nate Walsh problem. McCain went on to promise that, if elected, he would rid the world of Walsh within his first 48 hours in office without raising taxes.

Perhaps the most stirring moment of Obama's speech came at its conclusion, when he reasserted his call for change on the part of everyone except Walsh, whom he urged to just change the channel to the Golden Girls marathon on Lifetime like he knows he wants to.

"People of America, not Nate, we have the ability to heal this nation," Obama said. "Yes we can, Nate excluded, seize our future. Yes we can, with the exception of Nate and his stupid cargo shorts that he never washes, turn the page to a new tomorrow. I am confident that where we—and by 'we' I mean everyone but Nate—are met with cynicism and doubt and fear and those who tell us that we can't, we—again, not Nate—will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of the American people in six simple words: Yes we can, except Nate Walsh."

Added Obama: "God bless the people of South Carolina, God bless America, and **** you, Nate."

 

[DVINNY]

Barack Obama has put out an ad that simple minded John McCain cannot use a computer.

I have heard through the grapevine that Harvard educated Barack Obama cannot land a jet plane on an aircraft carrier at night..... hehehehehe

 

[RIP - VTEnviro]

My wife is a post-doc there and unless she's secretly doing stealth ops and the mouse experiment stuff is just a coverup, she can't either.

But I've got a friend who can. :true: Makes the drainage system I'm laying out today seem kind of mundane.

 

[DVINNY]

[No message]

 

[EM_PS]

Obama gets served by Sponge Bob & Patrick - priceless

 

[DVINNY]

although the Obama supporters call this racist ^^^, I can't help it. I think its funny.

Cause if they make a political cartoon charachter of Obama, it would look just like Curious George.