Its the most wonderful time of the year.......................

[Road Guy]

Well its about that time of the year again, no not actual holiday season, but the planning for holiday season.

This is probably going to sound like sour grapes, but this is the “situation” we run into every year about visiting family during the hellidays.

We had our first kid about 10 years ago, back then my wife’s brothers were not married, and had better things to do than visit during the holidays, which was fine with me, I couldn’t really stand to be around them anyways, but we would extend an invitation to try and get together, which was normally replied to with, we will be in Cancun, out of the country, doing something better, etc, etc, etc, This went on for about 7 years..

So fast forward to last year when both of the wife’s brothers have their first kids, one of her brothers adopted two kids, then had one of their own, so they are in the same boat we were 9 years ago. However our kids are getting old enough to do stuff so were going away for Thanksgiving and we just want to “ be left alone” during Christmas, the wife works nights and its going to be a weird xmas this year since she is working Christmas eve.

Anyways.. to sum it up last year and this year we have politely tried to tell everyone that we don’t (cant) want to get together during the holidays. They are all staying the week of Christmas in Florida with one of my brother in laws (The Doctor!), which isn’t my idea of fun unless I am leaving at 0500 every morning to fish for the whole day.

Now I am a heartless bastard so it doesn’t bother me, but the wife is starting to get feelings that somehow we are being “rude” by shrugging them off all the time, I try and point out that when they didn’t have babies / kids they didn’t have time for us, so now that our kids are a good deal older and capable of “travel” somewhat, we should spend the holidays doing what we want to do and to basically screw them.

I am sure this same story unfolds in most every house in America during the holidays but Christmas has just become a major groan lately..

 

[RIP - VTEnviro]

I heard my first holiday reference yesterday. An ad for something that would be a 'perfect holiday gift.' This shit starts too damned early.

As for the family situation, I'm lucky. I have a Mom and a Dad. My wife has a Mom and a Dad 3,000 miles away, and a sister who oddly enough ended up working across the street from her. No wacky extended family arrangements.

Basically our attitude is that we are busy people who don't see a lot of each other. So when a holiday comes around, we just want to relax at home and spend the day together. The occasional visit with the folks is nice but even they aren't interested in a big production.

Once the mrs. finished up her post-doc work and takes a position who knows where, we will be a convenient 1,500 miles from anyone we know.

 

[Capt Worley PE]

I feel for you, RG. That's delicate (I wouldn't want to go either, FWIW).

I'm lucky. We go to my parents for Christmas/T-giving lunch and to my BILs for dinner. My MIL goes over. Both parents and BIL live within 20 minutes, so travel isn't an issue.

 

[Supe]

My closest relatives are 1700+ miles away. I work Christmas Eve, but Christmas day will consist of me plopped on my couch watching DVR'd episodes of Two and a Half Men while eating Chinese food (maybe I'll splurge and have them deliver instead of me doing take out). That's my kind of Christmas.

I would remind the wife that they're probably just offering the invite out of courtesy more than anything, and things will just be even more hectic with that many people running around.

Either that, or you could just say to hell with it and go fishing all day. At least you'd get your point across!

 

[RIP - VTEnviro]

Am I the only one on the board that doesn't live within a short radius of all my family? Seems like a lot of people here ended up settling down near where they grew up.

Which is weird because most people I know in real life are more like me in that sense.

 

[Supe]

Am I the only one on the board that doesn't live within a short radius of all my family? Seems like a lot of people here ended up settling down near where they grew up.
Which is weird because most people I know in real life are more like me in that sense.

Maybe its just an engineering thing?

Personally, I hated the northeast to begin with. Got tired of the cold, the allergies, and the insanely high cost of living. Three of the four jobs I seriously considered were all based in Houston (one in Atlanta), so it was pretty much a no brainer. Would make sense, given that Houston was rated the top city for employment by college grads, with the #1 profession for college grads being engineering. Everything back in CT was a lower paying manufacturing position.

That being said, I only know of three people I graduated high school with in a class of 200 that moved away from home, excluding myself. One was a political science guy who was destined for DC, one went to Virginia Tech for engineering, and the other does some kind of marketing/event planning so she travels all the time. The rest I routinely see in pictures with one another.

 

[RIP - VTEnviro]

The rest I routinely see in pictures with one another.

I think the thing was in high school I was in all the honors classes with the kids who were supposedly going to make something out of themselves one day. So those were the friends I hung out with. And most of them did go somewhere far away for college, and take a position wherever was it made sense for them.

When I went to my reunion a couple months back, I was surprised when I found out just how many of the people there lived within a half hour or so from where we grew up.

I too have lived in the northeast my whole life: NY, VT, MA. When my wife finishes her post-doc in Boston, we are both interested in trying something different. It'll be 30 years here for me, 7 for her. Actually, that's kind of a factor in where we go next.

 

[chaosiscash]

Depends on how you define "short radius". My wife and I are around 3.5 hours from our families. Unless its football season, we rarely make it back there, unless there is a wedding or funeral involved.

 

[EM_PS]

* Warning, soap-box time *

What has happened to the family dynamic in America? Do we all so hate one another (in family) that we actively seek to avoid one another as much as possible? This doesn't ring hugely of dysfunction in anyone's ears?

As a kid, i would groan & moan at the get-togethers & reunions we'd have to endure - looking back, I am so incredibly grateful for those times we shared; and for many relatives, lament the fact that they are no longer around to visit with. Now with my own family, i struggle with trying to keep the family ties stoked, as we get increasingly apathetic about even wanting to visit w/ one another a couple times a year (or even once!). So what happens is kids grow up having cousins they barely even know of, parents know of nieces & nephews only by name, grand parents choose to ride out golden years in solitude - we care so little about anything outside of our specific tight-knit direct family units that where we came from or what our 'trees' are becomes completely irrelevant & tedious?. . . its sad & gloomy really -

* End soap-box *

 

[maryannette]

Move over, please, error matrix. I want to step up on the soap box with you.

Maybe it's because I'm older (50) or a mother (2 daughters) or I have so many (7) siblings, but I never wanted to spend a holiday without a lot of family around. The more, the merrier. Yes, it is a lot of work and craziness, but I really need holidays to be filled with hugs and laughter and food and drink and funny stories and photos to remember them by. I know that's not the way everybody enjoys holidays, but I'll take 30 people for a holiday dinner anytime.

 

[csb]

I'm a former military kid, so we didn't have the luxury of living near extended family. We lived where the Air Force told us to live. We're not dysfunctional at all. In the later years, my grandmother came to live WITH us. I now live a ten minute walk from my parents and a six hour drive from my husband's family.

HOWEVER, my husband's family really IS dysfunctional...his father is and has been for his entire life emotionally abusive. The stress involved in being near the man in almost unbearable. One of their favorite things to threaten is being written out of the will. He actively gives people the silent treatment. Last Thanksgiving included a yelling match so volatile between him and my sister-in-law that I quietly stepped out, packed the car, and we left.

So this holiday season, instead of stressing what turns out to be more than six hours on the road when you factor in eating, bathroom and icy roads for Thanksgiving AND Christmas, we are hosting one get together after New Years. I'm the kind of person who values the religious aspect of the holidays and they don't, so we can do all their commercial stuff after it's all said and done.

That's how I'm having a Merry Christmas and a Happy Thanksgiving...

...and protecting my son from dysfunction.

 

[FLBuff PE]

<--- 1,922 miles from my folks (via Google Earth), and 21.3 miles from my wife's family. For me, it's more about lifestyle. I like being 30 minutes from skiing on a weekend in January, and biking in the summer. Hard to do in Jacksonville. I love my parents, and my aunt, uncle and 2 cousins near West Palm, but I got tired of the FL lifestyle. I do miss the beach, but for me, that mountains make up for it. My folks usually come out once a year, but now with mini-Buff, it will be more frequent. They are finally coming out for Christmas!

 

[chaosiscash]

I think csb makes a good point, it completely depends on the family. For those that have mostly functional families, I think thats great. See them as much as you like. But for families like my wife's, where she is the black sheep b/c she is college educated, has a normal job, isn't in jail, on drugs, on welfare, or just bat-shit crazy, then if she doesn't want to see those people around the holidays, thats fine by me. I'm not going to say that she should just because its the holidays and "people should spend the holidays with family."

Family, in my opinion, can mean a lot of things. Family doesn't just have to include blood relatives, and just because someone is a blood relative doesn't make them family. Now I'll hop down from my mini-soapbox.

 

[RIP - VTEnviro]

Around holiday time probably the biggest thing my wife and I do is go to some sort of New Year's party. It just seems a little less stressful and forced. It's basically just a party without a lot of other context to it and awkwardness amongst relatives.

Our Thanksgiving tradition involves the two of us (and the dog this year) going for a half day hike or so to work up the appetite, then coming home and making a fancy, if not traditional dinner. My 4 squash ice cream last year tasted like pumpking pie in ice cream form.

Christmas is just sort of a lazy Sunday around the house with presents and calls from the folks.

Though I think with my sister-in-law nearby this year we may see more of her. I've gotten to like her, and she's been great since my Dad got sick, but her bf needs to go. The dude is a full fledged creep.

 

[EM_PS]

I think csb makes a good point, it completely depends on the family. For those that have mostly functional families, I think thats great. See them as much as you like. But for families like my wife's, where she is the black sheep b/c she is college educated, has a normal job, isn't in jail, on drugs, on welfare, or just bat-shit crazy, then if she doesn't want to see those people around the holidays, thats fine by me. I'm not going to say that she should just because its the holidays and "people should spend the holidays with family."
Family, in my opinion, can mean a lot of things. Family doesn't just have to include blood relatives, and just because someone is a blood relative doesn't make them family. Now I'll hop down from my mini-soapbox.

Totally concur. And my family / extended kinship is far from being 'functional', just probably less pronounced / severe bouts of dysfunction. But fortunately for me, i wouldn't give 'em away for anything (well, except maybe MIL).

Family is what you make it, esp for those from family backgrounds that are best left forgotten. So my soapbox was more from the viewpoint of actively seeking isolation from any of what could be called 'family'. That is the "sad & gloomy" to which i referred.

 

[Road Guy]

I agree we should try and get together, but what “angers” me you could say, is that when they had better things to do (no kids) they didn’t want to make an effort to get together, but somehow now that they all have babies we are supposed to drop our plans to incorporate them.

Last spring break we made the mistake of going to Amelia Island (near Jacksonville) to visit some friends we used to work with that moved to Jacksonville. My wife made the mistake of telling her mom, who then planned to come down and stay at her son’s house (lives in Jacksonville), invited her other son, and they sort of crashed our vacation. Now if they had offered to keep our kids for a night then maybe it wouldn’t have hacked us off so bad (yeah I am a little selfish I suppose) but our intent for going down there wasn’t to see the whole family.

Part of the equation is that both my wife and I have relatively new jobs, with the standard newbie 2 weeks vacation right now and regular life is fairly hectic (work, school, scouts, soccer, baseball, one big f’n rat race) so when we take time off we do like to spend time with just the kids, and when grandpa’s there they would rather be around them because they rarely see them.

If that makes any sense..

Oh well I am looking forward to probably one last year with all 3 kids believing in Santa, and of course were getting Rock Band 2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

 

[frazil]

RG = Scrooge

 

[csb]

I get what you're saying RG...totally and completely. My husband's sister (said sister-in-law of the Great Thanksgiving Fiasco of Ought Seven) always makes everyone schedule around her, because for a few years they were the only ones with a kid and we obliged. We totally catered to them. Now we are the ones with the now three year old and she has a seven almost eight year old, yet we still do everything around her because that's the way it's setup. It's totally one of those, "Well, we didn't say anything when you were going through it...cut us some slack."

Are we all invited over for Christmas to play Rock Band 2?

 

[chaosiscash]

Family is what you make it, esp for those from family backgrounds that are best left forgotten. So my soapbox was more from the viewpoint of actively seeking isolation from any of what could be called 'family'. That is the "sad & gloomy" to which i referred.

:thumbs:

 

[Dleg]

Google says I live 6,531.72 miles from my parents. And about 50 feet from my in-laws. It sometimes seems to me that we spend every bit of our free time working our asses off to prepare barbecues, etc., for my in-laws, and whent he work is done and it's time to eat and relax, I get stuck as de-facto babysitter for up to 15 or more kids, simply because I don't speak the language, and of course, all the bullshitting is done entirely in their language (despite everyone beng fluent in english). So I hear you, RG. Family events wear me out and I sometimes hide from them.

But I know this is very, very nice for our kids, and my wife, of course, loves it. So most of the time I do my duty without compaint. All I ask for in return is one night a week to do something with my friends.

And I really feel sorry for my parents, who are more typical of American families described above - they live half-way around the country from where their family is from, and have been essentially abandoned by their kids. Me halfway across the globe, and my sister sharing the attitudes expressed above (doesn't want to be bothered).

I think family is a great thing (as long as it's not too dysfunctional), but for today's professionals, obviously someone is going to lose out, unless you marry someone from your own hometown, and stay there forever.