Dirtiest Joke Thread- potentially X-rated, NSFW, etc...you've been warned

[rudy]

buah ha ha ha ha.... are those words? one two three four five

 

[klk]

As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table. One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes.

To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills. He asks his wife "What's up with all the notes?", to his wife which replies, "Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are."

 

[roadwreck]

just checking in this morning.

 

[cement]

there were checks in the piggy bank too?

 

[snickerd3]

some of these are really good. I wish I was creative to think up somethese on my own.

 

[cement]

I just steal them from joke websites

 

[snickerd3]

can't do that from work

 

[FLBuff PE]

Whilst enjoying a drink with a buddy one night, this guy decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place. The pair jump into a taxi and go back to her place.

Later, the young man pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies. Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" "No, don't be silly," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered fellow. Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, "That's me before the operation."

 

[Guest]

Okay .. this is bad .. but came to mind:

What is white, sticky, and falls from the sky?

Spoiler

The cumming of the lord!

(don't read if you are easily offended)

JR

 

[FLBuff PE]

^^^I'm pretty sure you're going somewhere nice and warm for that.

 

[csb]

I'm pretty sure that if you're easily offended, you shouldn't click on this thread!

 

[FLBuff PE]

A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release. He inquired for the address of a good house of ill repute. He was told to go to 225 West 42nd St. By mistake, he went to 255 West 42nd St, the office of a podiatrist. Being met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised but intrigued him. She directed him to an examining room and told him to uncover and someone would be with him soon.

He loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair and was really getting aroused because of the strange and different approach this house offered. Finally the doctor's assistant, a really gorgeous redhead entered and found him sitting in the chair with his generous member in his hand. "My goodness", she exclaimed, "I was expecting to see a foot." "Well," he said, "if you're going to complain about an inch then I'll take my business elsewhere."

 

[Old as Dirt Geo]

A man walks into a tatoo shop and asks for a tatoo of a $100 bill on his manhood. The tatoo artist said he will do it only if the man tells him why he is want the tatoo. The man said I have 3 reasons

The first is I like to play with my money, the sencod is I like to see my money grow and the trid is I want to see how long it takes my wife to blow this 100 buck.

 

[FLBuff PE]

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

 

[cement]

whoa! the thread is opened!

 

[FLBuff PE]

A man travels to Spain and goes to a Madrid restaurant for a late dinner. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects. "What's this?" he asks. "Cojones, senor," the waiter replies. "What are cojones?" the man asks. "Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."

At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again. After dinner the man informed the waiter that these were better than the pair he had the previous afternoon but the portion was much smaller.

"Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time."

 

[FLBuff PE]

A man goes to a whorehouse with two dollars. He explains his plight to the Madam, who tells him 'Go up tp the top floor. We have a dead hooker up there.' So the guy goes upstairs.

About 20 minutes later, he comes back downstairs. 'Well, how was it?' the madam asks. 'It was great, but her nose kept running,' the man replied.

[SIZE=18pt]*WARNING: DO NOT READ DURING/NEAR LUNCHTIME*[/SIZE]

Spoiler

The madam replied 'Oh, she must be full.'

 

[csb]

ewwwww

but funny

 

[PE-ness]

So this average white guy was peeing in a public toilet, standing at the urinal, when this big black guy comes running in to the urinal next to him, whips out a giant, 12 inch schlong, and says "Whew! Just made it!" and begins relieving himself.

Not being able to help seeing the enormous schlong, the average white guy turns to him and says "Could you make me one, too?"

 

[Guest]

I just got texted this one from a friend ....

Spoiler

Sex is like paintball: you play hard for 30 minutes, get hot and sweaty, and when it's all over your just glad you aren't the one who got shot in the face.

h34r: h34r:

JR