Dirtiest Joke Thread- potentially X-rated, NSFW, etc...you've been warned

[klk]

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...

'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."

So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

 

[rudy]

Let's try this... This may be too dirty for some viewers... What am i talking about? This is EB.com

Two white horses fell in the mud...

:huh:

 

[klk]

um, i'm drawing a blank on this one . . .

 

[rudy]

Ok. it may not be a joke. But it's dirty.

 

[klk]

dirty is good. four five

 

[rudy]

Here's another dirty one, for the fans out there.

Why did Tigger smell? Because he was playing with Pooh.

 

[Chucktown PE]

There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks. His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you." Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat. The the boy says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"

 

[cement]

what, no kittens? is that it?

 

[roadwreck]

Haven't you heard? Fried cat is a breakfast deliciously on the farm.

 

[Chucktown PE]

Here's another one:

A man and his four year old son are talking, when his son asks him "Dad, what does a pussy look like?" The Dad confused, asks him " before or after sex?" The kid says "Ummm before sex" So the dad says to him "Well have u ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red peddles." "yeah" says the son."well what about after sex" he says to his dad. His dad replies " Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"

 

[cement]

you certainly can paint a word picture!

 

[Chucktown PE]

Where is csb. I might go dig through the 10k and find some of her nasty ass jokes.

 

[frazil]

did she ever answer the dog one?

 

[FLBuff PE]

So this guy goes to a pet shop and says to the owner "My dog died, and I want to get another." The owner says to him "You don't want a dog. You want to buy this toothless hamster instead." The guy says "Why would I want to buy a toothless hampster?" "Undo your zipper and I'll show you," says the owner. Trepidaciously, the guy undoes his zipper. The owner puts the hampster by the guys crotch, and the hampster gives the guy the best blowjob he's ever had.

The guy buys the hampster.

The guy goes home, and finds his wife in the kitchen. He puts the hampster on the floor. His wife shrieks "What is that? I thought you were getting us a dog!" The replies "Never mind what it is...teach it how to cook and get the f@ck out!"

 

[csb]

Sorry...I had a meeting today that was long.

What do you with a dog with no legs?

You take it for a drag!

 

[Chucktown PE]

Sorry...I had a meeting today that was long.
What do you with a dog with no legs?

You take it for a drag!

csb,

Where was the puke joke that inspired the swanson dinner urban dictionary definition?

 

[FLBuff PE]

A recently widowed Jewish lady was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book.

"Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes, I live over in Suntree," he answered, and then resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"

With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

 

[cement]

^ now that's funny right there

 

[rudy]

any more jokes.... four five

 

[cement]

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."