Obama Jokes

[Road Guy]

The Irish are such clear thinkers!

Thoughts from across the pond

An email from Ireland to the brethren in the States...a point to ponder

despite your political affiliation:

"We, in Ireland, can't figure out why people are even bothering to hold

an election in the United States. On one side, you have a pants

wearing lawyer, married to a lawyer who can't keep his pants on, who

just lost a long and heated primary against a lawyer who goes to the

wrong church, who is married to yet another lawyer who doesn't even

like the country her husband wants to run.

Now...On the other side, you have a nice old war hero whose name starts

with the appropriate "Mc" terminology, married to a good looking

younger woman who owns a beer distributorship. What in Lords name are

ye lads thinking over there in the colonies?!"

 

[DVINNY]

easy enough in my opinion.

 

[DVINNY]

After much introspection I have decided to change my position and vote Democrat. I have done a lot of research and, quite frankly, I can't see any other way around it. Here are just a few reasons:

I'm voting Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.

I'm voting Democrat because freedom of speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it.

I'm voting Democrat because when we pull out of Iraq I trust that the bad guys will stop what they're doing because they now think we're good people.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe that people who can't tell us if it will rain on Friday CAN tell us that the polar ice caps will melt away in ten years if I don't start driving a Prius.

I'm voting Democrat because I'm not concerned about the slaughter of millions of babies so long as we keep all death row inmates alive.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe that business should not be allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even and give the rest away to the government for redistribution as THEY see fit.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe three or four pointy headed elitist liberals need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit some fringe kooks who would NEVER get their agendas past the voters.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe that when the terrorists don't have to hide from us over there, when they come over here I don't want to have any guns in the house to fight them off with.

I'm voting Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want. I've decided to marry my horse.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe oil companies' profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene but the government taxing the same gallon of gas at 15% isn't.

I hope you will join me.

 

[jfusilloPE]

^^^ You just swayed my vote towards Obama

:Locolaugh:

 

[Wolverine]

^ ^ ^ :appl: :appl: :appl:

 

[G-Loose]

I saw a T-shirt that read...

"Did I just see Obama being chased by Osama on a Llama"

 

[Wolverine]

My son asked me what's the difference between a Republican and a Democrat?

Well son, I says:

A Republican is someone who, when he has a consensual heterosexual relationship with an underage intern, is run out of town by his peers, never to be heard from again (Dan Crane).

A Democrat is someone who, when he has a consensual homosexual relationship with an underage intern, is applauded by his peers, receives a standing ovation from his constituents at home, is re-elected 6 more times to Congress, is appointed chair of the House Committee on Merchant Marine and Fisheries, and gets a National Marine Sanctuary named after him (Gerry Studds). :f_115m_e45d7af: Oh, he's so brave for coming out.

(Disclaimer: :f_115m_e45d7af: Not that there's anything wrong with that)

 

[cement]

candidate Obama offered high sounding platitudes of hope and change that some considered:

hot air.

nominee Obama, when pressed for a plan to address $4 gasoline, came up with:

compressed air.

if elected president Obama, what can we expect in our homes this winter?

cold air.

 

[dagget]

"Barack Obama gave a speech in Germany and 200,000 people showed up. There were so many Germans shouting and screaming that France surrendered just in case." --Craig Ferguson

(Ok, that's really a France joke, not an Obama joke)

"Today in Berlin, Barack Obama spoke to a crowd of over 200,000 people. In fact, he was so eager to please the Germans, he promised he'd name David Hasselhoff as vice president." --Jay Leno

"After a quick meet-and-greet with King Abdullah, Obama was off to Israel, where he made a quick stop at the manger in Bethlehem where he was born." --Jon Stewart, on Barack Obama's Middle East trip

"Obama's camp initially agreed that the cartoon was, quote, tasteless and offensive. Really? You know what your response should have been? It's very easy. Here, let me put the statement out for you. Barack Obama is in no way upset about the cartoon that depicts him as a Muslim extremist, because you know who gets upset about cartoons? Muslim extremists. Of which Barack Obama is not. It's just a f**king cartoon." --Jon Stewart, on the New Yorker Cartoon controversy

"Barack Obama's two daughters are very excited, because I guess Barack Obama promised the kids that after the election he's going to get them a dog. That's the thing, they're all excited, he's going to get them a dog after the election. And the good news -- Jesse Jackson has offered to neuter it, so I think that's terrific." --Jay Leno

"Well, the Democrats are now preparing for their convention in Denver, and they have hired the first ever director of greening. They say that this year that everything about their convention will be green, including nominating a candidate who's only been a senator for a couple of years." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama is campaigning very hard, going everywhere these days to get the vote out. Barack Obama's staff recently announced that Barack is planning to hold a campaign event at a NASCAR race. Yeah. The event will be called 'Meet your first black guy.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton campaigned for the first time together in Unity, New Hampshire, today. Isn't that cute? Unity, New Hampshire. For real. Their tour goes from Unity to Tolerate, Rhode Island; and Getting on My Nerves, Virginia; and then Crazy Makeup ***, California." --Jimmy Kimmel

"You know. People really like Barack Obama because he's an inspirational speaker. But he was not the first one -- I was checking my presidential history -- he was not the first candidate to use the phrase 'Yes we can!' Bill Clinton frequently used that on interns." --David Letterman

"Both McCain and Senator Barack Obama are trying to woo voters who are outside their natural demographic. In this election, for Senator Obama, that means trying to reach working class, non-Muslim white women who love America." --Jon Stewart

 

[StructuralPoke]

Note the subtle change of lyrics -- from "never gonna" to "and we're gonna"

 

[DVINNY]

From Richmond Times-Dispatch, Monday, July 7, 2008 ~

Dear Editor, Times-Dispatch:

'Each year I get to celebrate Independence Day twice. On June 30 I celebrate my independence day, and on July 4 I celebrate America's. This year is special, because it marks the 40th anniversary of my independence.

'On June 30, 1968, I escaped Communist Cuba, and a few months later, I was in the United States to stay. That I happened to arrive in Richmond on Thanksgiving Day is just part of the story, but I digress.

'I've thought a lot about the anniversary this year. The election-year rhetoric has made me think a lot about Cuba and what transpired there. In the late 1950s, most Cubans thought Cuba needed a change, and they were right. So when a young leader came along, every Cuban was at least receptive.

'When the young leader spoke eloquently and passionately and denounced the old system, the press fell in love with him. They never questioned who his friends were or what he really believed in. When he said he would help the farmers and the poor and bring free medical care and education to all, everyone followed. When he said he would bring justice and equality to all, everyone said, 'Praise the Lord.' And when the young leader said, 'I will be for change and I'll bring you change,' everyone yelled, 'Viva Fidel!'

'But nobody asked about the change, so by the time the executioner's guns went silent, the people's guns had been taken away. By the time everyone was equal, they were equally poor, hungry, and oppressed. By the time everyone received their free education, it was worth nothing. By the time the press noticed, it was too late, because they were now working for him. By the time the change was finally implemented, Cuba had been knocked down a couple of notches to Third-World status. By the time the change was over, more than a million people had taken to boats, rafts, and inner tubes. You can call those who made it ashore anywhere else in the world the most fortunate Cubans. And now I'm back to the beginning of my story.

'Luckily, we would never fall in America for a young leader who promised change without asking, what change? How will you carry it out? What will it cost America?

'Would we?'

Manuel Alvarez, Jr.

 

[civengPE]

 

[DVINNY]

HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK

1. Open a new file in your computer.

2. Name it 'Barack Obama'.

3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.

4. Empty the Recycle Bin.

5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack

Obama?'

6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'

7. Feel better?

GOOD! - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi!

 

[DVINNY]

OWWWW!!!

I've been rolled!

 

[Road Guy]

National Convention

Schedule of Events

7:00 pm OPENING FLAG BURNING

7:15 pm PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE TO THE U.N.

7:20 pm Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST

7:25 pm NONRELIGIOUS PRAYER AND WORSHIP - Jesse Jackson & Al Sharpton

7:45 pm CEREMONIAL TREE HUGGING - Darryl Hannah

7:55 pm Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST

8:00 pm HOW I INVENTED THE INTERNET - Al Gore

8:15 pm GAY WEDDING PLANNING - Rosie O'Donnell

8:35 pm Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST

8:40 pm OUR TROOPS ARE WAR CRIMINALS - John Kerry

9.00 pm MEMORIAL SERVICE FOR SADDAM AND HIS SONS - Cindy Sheehan and Susan Sarandon

10:00 pm ANSWERING MACHINE ETIQUETTE - Alec Baldwin

11:00 pm Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST

11:05 pm COLLECTION FOR THE OSAMA BIN LADEN KIDNEY TRANSPLANT FUND - Barbara Streisand

11:15 pm FREE THE FREEDOM FIGHTERS FROM GUANTANAMO BAY - Sean Penn

11:30 pm OVAL OFFICE AFFAIRS - William Jefferson Clinton

11:45 pm Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST

11:50 pm HOW GEORGE BUSH BROUGHT DOWN THE WORLD TRADE TOWERS - Howard Dean

12:15 am TRUTH IN BROADCASTING AWARD - Presented to Dan Rather by Michael Moore

12:25 am Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST

12:30 am SATELLITE ADDRESS - Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

12:45 am NOMINATION OF Barack Hussein Obama- Nancy Pelosi

1:00 am Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST To Obama

1:30 am Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST To Hillary Clinton

1:35 am Bill Clinton asks Ted Kennedy to drive Hillary home

 

[StructuralPoke]

from here http://politicalinquirer.com/2008/08/27/an...ssical-setting/

 

[DVINNY]

A teacher in Penn Yan New York asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans.

Not really knowing what a Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little RONNIE.

The teacher asked Little RONNIE why he has decided to be different...Again.

Little RONNIE says, 'Because I'm not an Obama fan.'

The teacher says, 'Why aren't you an Obama fan?'

RONNIE says, 'Because I'm a Republican.'

The teacher asks why he's a Republican.

Little RONNIE answered, 'Well, my mom's a Republican and my dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican'

The teacher asks, 'If your mom was a moron and your dad was an *****, what would that make you?'

With a big smile, Little RONNIE replies,

'That would make me an Obama fan '

 

[RIP - VTEnviro]

Damn, I gotta round up the other liberals on this board and revive the McCain joke thread.

 

[Dark Knight]

Damn, I gotta round up the other liberals on this board and revive the McCain joke thread.

I think you should or RG will have to change the name to McCain'sBoard.com

Maybe EB is a sample of how the country thinks. I have no clue.

 

[Capt Worley PE]

I think engineers are generally more conservative than liberal.