McCain Jokes
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DVINNY
2-time 10K winner
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/64ad536a6d
"Paris Hilton might not be as big a celebrity as Barack Obama, but she obviously has a better energy plan," McCain spokesman Tucker Bounds said.
"Paris Hilton might not be as big a celebrity as Barack Obama, but she obviously has a better energy plan," McCain spokesman Tucker Bounds said.
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"Barack Obama said today that he is going to fight for votes in all 50 states. Yeah. That's what he said. Meanwhile, John McCain said he's going to fight for votes in all 13 colonies." --Conan O'Brien
"President Bush spoke at a campaign rally in support of John McCain. They raised millions and millions of dollars, most of which will be used to repair the damage of President Bush supporting John McCain at a campaign rally. So it's kind of a wash" --Jay Leno
"This week, Barack Obama, true story, campaigned on an Indian reservation and the tribal chief adopted him. Yeah, the Indians actually prefer Obama to John McCain, because they still remember when McCain took their land." –Conan O'Brien
"John McCain is actively courting women over 60. And I'm thinking, who does this guy think he is, Ashton Kutcher?" --David Letterman
"Earlier today, John McCain released 1,200 pages of his medical records. Or, as his doctor calls it, Chapter One." --Conan O'Brien
"McCain of course has the nomination sewed up. He's now auditioning candidates for vice president, and they're visiting at his home in Arizona. I believe it's called Casa Viagra. I believe it's called the Lazy Artery. I believe it's a ranch, I think it's the Double Hernia. No no, his home in Arizona -- the Rancho Prostato." --David Letterman
"Barack Obama's staff and John McCain's staff are busy now negotiating when the presidential debates will take place. That's good, yeah. Yeah, Obama wants them to be in September, and McCain wants them to be after his nap, but before 'Wheel of Fortune.'" --Conan O'Brien
"According to the Washington Post, Barack Obama and actress Scarlett Johansson are email buddies. Apparently they email each other back and forth. So, you've got a 23-year-old gorgeous, blonde actress emailing a married presidential candidate. Well, what could go wrong there? Not to be outdone today, John McCain admitted he had been exchanging flirty emails with Angela Lansbury." --Jay Leno
"CNN reports that John McCain is aggressively trying to win over the independent vote. Yeah, of course, to John McCain, independent means anyone who can make it to the toilet without help." --Conan O'Brien
"And John McCain is campaigning very hard. Every day I pick up the newspaper, he's someplace else. He's got a new strategy. Well John McCain just announced he wants to do a series of town hall meetings where he'll meet with the public. Yeah, it's all part of McCain's 'Speak Up, I Can't Hear You' tour." --Conan O'Brien
"McCain came out this week with a list of 20 possible running mates. He would not reveal the names of all of them, but he said they all share certain traits, like knowing CPR. He said he wants someone who is ready take over on day two." --Bill Maher
"Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama and John McCain have all been arguing, claiming that they're the most qualified person to answer the White House phone at 3 a.m. Yeah, McCain said, 'I'm the most qualified, because I'm usually up at that hour peeing anyway.'" --Conan O'Brien
"John McCain is now crisscrossing the United States campaigning. Or, as they're calling it, Antiques Roadshow." --Jay Leno
"We're leaning more and more about John and Cindy McCain. He's on this big biography tour. I guess his wife Cindy is worth over $100 million because the family made money selling Budweiser beer. So he has a wife 20 years younger than him, free beer, and unlimited money. I think I speak for all guys when I go, 'Why is he running for president?'" --Jay Leno
"Did you hear about this? Two State Department employees were fired -- this is a bit of a scandal -- because they were looking at Barack Obama's passport file. Not only that, but the same person was also looking at John McCain's Civil War records." --David Letterman
"John McCain's daughter is in the news. John McCain's daughter says that a lot of guys don't want to date her because her dad makes her too high-profile. Yeah. That's part of the reason. It's also because McCain's daughter is 63 years old." --Conan O'Brien
"Today, Barack Obama criticized John McCain for mistakenly saying that Iran was sending aid to al Qaeda in Iraq, which is not true. And afterwards, President Bush told McCain, 'Don't worry about it. I didn't know that either.'" --Jay Leno
"You know who I like is that John McCain. ... He looks like the guy at the hardware store who makes the keys. He looks like the guy who can't stop talking about how well his tomatoes are doing. He looks like the guy who goes into town for turpentine. He looks like the guy who always has wiry hair growing out of new places. He looks like the guy who points out the spots they missed at the car wash." --David Letterman (Read more of Letterman's jabs at Old Man McCain, plus McCain's jokes about Letterman)
"It was reported that Barack Obama's Secret Service name is 'Renegade,' while Hillary Clinton's is 'Evergreen.' That's true. Meanwhile, John McCain's Secret Service name is 'Enlarged Prostate.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Senator McCain, running for president, is in Iraq. Of course, he remembers Iraq when it was known as Mesopotamia." --David Letterman
"Republican presidential candidate John McCain is in the news. John McCain says he's trying to find a vice presidential running mate. Not only that, McCain is also trying to find his reading glasses and his car keys. ... He's an older gentleman. That's the idea there. You'll be hearing more of those in the next nine months, because that's our take. Until he gets a whore." --Conan O'Brien
"Congratulations to John McCain, he wrapped up the Republican nomination this week. And we know this is official now because Mike Huckabee dropped out and said he was joining forces with John McCain. Oh, great, you've got one guy who doesn't believe in evolution, and another guy who remembers it." --Bill Maher
"He looks like the guy at the movies whose wife has to repeat everything...He looks like a guy who's backed over his own mailbox...He looks like the guy at the supermarket who is confused by the automatic doors." --David Letterman
"President Bush spoke at a campaign rally in support of John McCain. They raised millions and millions of dollars, most of which will be used to repair the damage of President Bush supporting John McCain at a campaign rally. So it's kind of a wash" --Jay Leno
"This week, Barack Obama, true story, campaigned on an Indian reservation and the tribal chief adopted him. Yeah, the Indians actually prefer Obama to John McCain, because they still remember when McCain took their land." –Conan O'Brien
"John McCain is actively courting women over 60. And I'm thinking, who does this guy think he is, Ashton Kutcher?" --David Letterman
"Earlier today, John McCain released 1,200 pages of his medical records. Or, as his doctor calls it, Chapter One." --Conan O'Brien
"McCain of course has the nomination sewed up. He's now auditioning candidates for vice president, and they're visiting at his home in Arizona. I believe it's called Casa Viagra. I believe it's called the Lazy Artery. I believe it's a ranch, I think it's the Double Hernia. No no, his home in Arizona -- the Rancho Prostato." --David Letterman
"Barack Obama's staff and John McCain's staff are busy now negotiating when the presidential debates will take place. That's good, yeah. Yeah, Obama wants them to be in September, and McCain wants them to be after his nap, but before 'Wheel of Fortune.'" --Conan O'Brien
"According to the Washington Post, Barack Obama and actress Scarlett Johansson are email buddies. Apparently they email each other back and forth. So, you've got a 23-year-old gorgeous, blonde actress emailing a married presidential candidate. Well, what could go wrong there? Not to be outdone today, John McCain admitted he had been exchanging flirty emails with Angela Lansbury." --Jay Leno
"CNN reports that John McCain is aggressively trying to win over the independent vote. Yeah, of course, to John McCain, independent means anyone who can make it to the toilet without help." --Conan O'Brien
"And John McCain is campaigning very hard. Every day I pick up the newspaper, he's someplace else. He's got a new strategy. Well John McCain just announced he wants to do a series of town hall meetings where he'll meet with the public. Yeah, it's all part of McCain's 'Speak Up, I Can't Hear You' tour." --Conan O'Brien
"McCain came out this week with a list of 20 possible running mates. He would not reveal the names of all of them, but he said they all share certain traits, like knowing CPR. He said he wants someone who is ready take over on day two." --Bill Maher
"Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama and John McCain have all been arguing, claiming that they're the most qualified person to answer the White House phone at 3 a.m. Yeah, McCain said, 'I'm the most qualified, because I'm usually up at that hour peeing anyway.'" --Conan O'Brien
"John McCain is now crisscrossing the United States campaigning. Or, as they're calling it, Antiques Roadshow." --Jay Leno
"We're leaning more and more about John and Cindy McCain. He's on this big biography tour. I guess his wife Cindy is worth over $100 million because the family made money selling Budweiser beer. So he has a wife 20 years younger than him, free beer, and unlimited money. I think I speak for all guys when I go, 'Why is he running for president?'" --Jay Leno
"Did you hear about this? Two State Department employees were fired -- this is a bit of a scandal -- because they were looking at Barack Obama's passport file. Not only that, but the same person was also looking at John McCain's Civil War records." --David Letterman
"John McCain's daughter is in the news. John McCain's daughter says that a lot of guys don't want to date her because her dad makes her too high-profile. Yeah. That's part of the reason. It's also because McCain's daughter is 63 years old." --Conan O'Brien
"Today, Barack Obama criticized John McCain for mistakenly saying that Iran was sending aid to al Qaeda in Iraq, which is not true. And afterwards, President Bush told McCain, 'Don't worry about it. I didn't know that either.'" --Jay Leno
"You know who I like is that John McCain. ... He looks like the guy at the hardware store who makes the keys. He looks like the guy who can't stop talking about how well his tomatoes are doing. He looks like the guy who goes into town for turpentine. He looks like the guy who always has wiry hair growing out of new places. He looks like the guy who points out the spots they missed at the car wash." --David Letterman (Read more of Letterman's jabs at Old Man McCain, plus McCain's jokes about Letterman)
"It was reported that Barack Obama's Secret Service name is 'Renegade,' while Hillary Clinton's is 'Evergreen.' That's true. Meanwhile, John McCain's Secret Service name is 'Enlarged Prostate.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Senator McCain, running for president, is in Iraq. Of course, he remembers Iraq when it was known as Mesopotamia." --David Letterman
"Republican presidential candidate John McCain is in the news. John McCain says he's trying to find a vice presidential running mate. Not only that, McCain is also trying to find his reading glasses and his car keys. ... He's an older gentleman. That's the idea there. You'll be hearing more of those in the next nine months, because that's our take. Until he gets a whore." --Conan O'Brien
"Congratulations to John McCain, he wrapped up the Republican nomination this week. And we know this is official now because Mike Huckabee dropped out and said he was joining forces with John McCain. Oh, great, you've got one guy who doesn't believe in evolution, and another guy who remembers it." --Bill Maher
"He looks like the guy at the movies whose wife has to repeat everything...He looks like a guy who's backed over his own mailbox...He looks like the guy at the supermarket who is confused by the automatic doors." --David Letterman
Dark Knight
Silent Guardian
Ah the beauty of liberty!!!!!
You can make fun of your potential president and be alive to tell the tale.
On the other hand... Where is the line drawn? If the media cannot respect the leaders of a country what can we expect of the rest of the population? Can we trust them anyways? Just a thought.
Back to the jokes...I liked the one about the medical records, the Mesopotamia joke and the one about the 63 years old daughter no one wants to date. :Locolaugh:
You can make fun of your potential president and be alive to tell the tale.
On the other hand... Where is the line drawn? If the media cannot respect the leaders of a country what can we expect of the rest of the population? Can we trust them anyways? Just a thought.
Back to the jokes...I liked the one about the medical records, the Mesopotamia joke and the one about the 63 years old daughter no one wants to date. :Locolaugh:
G
Guest
C-Dog
Well-known member
Howard Dean: I think there is a delay in the feed John.
John Stewart: Yes, there is Howard.
Howard Dean: Now I know what is feels like to be John McCains brain.
(I fall to the floor in laughter)
John Stewart: Yes, there is Howard.
Howard Dean: Now I know what is feels like to be John McCains brain.
(I fall to the floor in laughter)
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D
Dexman1349
I have a feeling this thread may take off with the upcoming Republican Convention...
csb
Well-known member
This just in...McCain announces his running mate:
C-Dog
Well-known member
McCain wakes up from his afternoon nap, and says, "My speach at the Convention is after 8 PM! Don't they know I fall asleep watching Golden Girls reruns at 7 and the only time I am up after that is to pee at least 10 times during the night. Maybe I can speak during one of my pees."
cement
gray haired dude
C-Dog
Well-known member
I wonder how many planes John McCain has? I wonder, does he even know?
Private aircraft smells like an elitist to me...
cement
gray haired dude
I thought your quote read McCain supporter?
C-Dog
Well-known member
DVINNY
2-time 10K winner
FLBuff PE
Multi-disciplinary engineer
Early one morning during the Presidential Campaign, John McCain heard a knock on his front door. He opened the door to find a high-school-age girl wearing a "Vote for McCain" t-shirt.
"I saw you on TV last night, debating with the other candidates," she said.
McCain nodded. "The other candidates say I'm too old," he said. "They say I'm losing my memory and that I won't be able to remember the names of foreign leaders if I'm elected. But I'm going to prove them wrong."
"Good," said the girl.
"Now tell me, young lady," said McCain, "what is your name?"
The girl looked confused. "It's ME, Grandpa."
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
One night, after a televised debate, John McCain and Barack Obama ran into each other backstage.
"You know, John," said Obama, "out there in the debates you and I are damaging each other's reputation. Why don't we settle this contest like men? You and I will have our own private competition, and then whoever loses will endorse the other candidate."
"What type of competition do you have in mind?" asked McCain.
"A game of basketball," said Obama.
"No way," said McCain with a grin. "You're a foot taller than me -- it wouldn't be fair."
"O.K.," said Obama. "Then how about a foot race?"
"No, that's not fair either," said McCain. "I'm twenty years older than you, and I don't have much endurance left."
"Well what would you propose?" asked Obama.
"How about a speed-talking contest?" said McCain. "We'll both be given a speech, and whoever reads it fastest wins."
"No, that's not fair to me," said Obama. "I can only talk out of one side of my mouth."
"I saw you on TV last night, debating with the other candidates," she said.
McCain nodded. "The other candidates say I'm too old," he said. "They say I'm losing my memory and that I won't be able to remember the names of foreign leaders if I'm elected. But I'm going to prove them wrong."
"Good," said the girl.
"Now tell me, young lady," said McCain, "what is your name?"
The girl looked confused. "It's ME, Grandpa."
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
One night, after a televised debate, John McCain and Barack Obama ran into each other backstage.
"You know, John," said Obama, "out there in the debates you and I are damaging each other's reputation. Why don't we settle this contest like men? You and I will have our own private competition, and then whoever loses will endorse the other candidate."
"What type of competition do you have in mind?" asked McCain.
"A game of basketball," said Obama.
"No way," said McCain with a grin. "You're a foot taller than me -- it wouldn't be fair."
"O.K.," said Obama. "Then how about a foot race?"
"No, that's not fair either," said McCain. "I'm twenty years older than you, and I don't have much endurance left."
"Well what would you propose?" asked Obama.
"How about a speed-talking contest?" said McCain. "We'll both be given a speech, and whoever reads it fastest wins."
"No, that's not fair to me," said Obama. "I can only talk out of one side of my mouth."
DVINNY
2-time 10K winner
I like the 'it's ME grandpa'
Nicely played. LOL.
Nicely played. LOL.
D
Dexman1349
^^^ now that's funny.
RIP - VTEnviro
His Memory Eternal
That is outstanding.
