FBI Job interview

[Guest]

Following the senior citizens thread ....

Twin sisters in St. Luke's Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.

"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.

Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."

So they wiggled up close to each other. "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.

Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"

With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY - BOTH OF US?"

 

[Capt Worley PE]

The TX Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small farmer was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

GOVT AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.

FARMER: Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life.

He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.

GOVT AGENT: That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.

FARMER: That would be me.

 

[blybrook PE]

A man tells his wife that him and his buddies are going on a 3-day fishing trip at a lake a few states over. She says "That's sounds like a great time, I'll pack your clothes and some food!"

The man gathers up his rods, tackle box, boat, suitcase, and lunch box and heads out to meet his buddies for the big trip.

The man returns home three days later. His wife asks how his trip was and if they caught a lot of fish. The man tells his wife the trip was great but there was one problem...She didn't pack him any underwear. He said 'I went all three days in the same underwear because you forgot to pack them in my suitcase!" The wife insists the packed the underwear but the man argues still. Finally the man says "I don't care what you say, there was no underwear in my suitcase and because of you I had to wear the same dirty ones all weekend".

The wife replies "Honey, I packed your underwear in your tackle box."

busted

 

[blybrook PE]

Dear Family & Friends,

Most of you know that Lucile went in for a surgical Butt Lift procedure at the new, GOOBERMINT approved, Wal-mart Medical Center. She didn't have the most pleasant experience. She should've left well enough alone. We wanted to show you how it turned out. We hope this keeps YOU from having this procedure done.

Please, PLEASE, PLEASE . . Don't get a Butt Lift at the Wal-mart Medical Center. You will most certainly regret it ! ! !

 

[blybrook PE]

It's a slow day in the small town of Pumphandle and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.

A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.

As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Co-Op.

The guy at the Co-Op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her “services” on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town now thinks that they are out of debt and there is a false atmosphere of optimism and glee.

And that, my friends, is how a "stimulus package" works!

 

[blybrook PE]

A big city corporate lawyer ran a stop sign in a small town in Texas, and is pulled over by a sheriff 's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than this hick town deputy because he is a lawyer and is certain that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says , "What for?"

Deputy says , "Y'all didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Lawyer says , "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says , "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

Lawyer says , "What's the difference?"

Deputy says , "The difference is, y'all have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says , "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Deputy says , "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do y'all want me to stop or just slow down?"

 

[blybrook PE]

THE TOILET SEAT

Bob's wife, Julie, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet.

Finally, he got around to doing it while Julie was out.

After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet.

As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

About that time, he got home and realized her predicament.

They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation,he undid the toilet seat bolts.

Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and he drove her to the hospital emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this).

Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them......I just never saw one mounted and framed."

 

[Master slacker]

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.

One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:

The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,

" What's for dinner, Zorro?"

 

[Master slacker]

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?' '

'Of course, child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday.

It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.

Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked,

'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'

 

[Master slacker]

At some point in a guy's life... it comes down to this.

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him

he isn't going.

Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus to letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday evening. I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, "Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, Here I am. You guys want a beer?"

 

[Master slacker]

A Catholic nun was sitting on a train opposite a Muslim man wearing a turban, who was eating fresh shrimp.

Every time he ate one, he spat the tail in her direction, requiring her to deflect it.

He finished the box and threw it out the window.

Seeing this, she had enough, and pulled the train's Emergency Cord.

The Muslim looked at her and said, "You'll get fined $250 for doing that, you stupid, Infidel, worthless Catholic bitch."

She laughed and said, "When I cry rape and they smell your fingers, you'll get 10 years, you towel-headed camel-fcuker!!!"

 

[Master slacker]

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple nice cold beers. The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics. Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the Nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.

 

[DVINNY]

The female dentist prepares the needle to give the bloke with the toothache an anaesthetic injection..

“No way! No needles, I hate needles!” the guy said.

So the dentist starts to hook up her nitrous oxide gas and the man objects again.

“I can't do the gas thing either. The thought of having the gas mask on my face makes me faint!”

She then asks the guy if he has any objection to taking a pill.

“No objection,” the patient says. “'I'm fine with pills.”

When she returns she says, “Here's a Viagra and a glass of water.”

The guy says, “Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!”

“It doesn't” she said, "But it’ll give you something to hold on to while I pull your tooth out."

 

[pbrme]

At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various Brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conference.



Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: "In 'Strylya, we make the best bladdy beer in the world, so pour me a Bladdy Fosters, mate."



Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: "In the States, we brew the finest beers in the world, and I make the King of them all gimme a Bud."

Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented das beer, verdamt. Give me ein Becks, ya ist Der real King of beers, danke."

Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward "Barman, would ya give me a doyet coke wid ice and lemon. Tanks."

The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over their faces. Eventually Bruce asks, "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?"

Paddy replies: "Well, if you fookin' pansies aren't drinkin', then neither am I".

 

[blybrook PE]

A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit.

So he asks the man his name. "Fred," he replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred," the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me." "I was born Fred Dingaling. I know - a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself, studied hard, and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor! I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD." "After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS." "Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing...

 

[blybrook PE]

May be a repeat, but valid enough with today being election day and all:

While walking down the street one day, a U.S. senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in." "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in **** and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the senator. "I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy. He has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. Now it's time to visit Heaven." So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well, then, you've spent a day in **** and another in Heaven. Now, choose your eternity." The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers. "Well, I would never have said it before. I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in ****." So, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to ****. The doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags, as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday, I was here and there was a golf course and a clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now, it's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened"? The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday, we were campaigning. Today, you voted."

 

[blybrook PE]

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the R ! We missed the R ! We missed the R !" His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, Father?" With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...

C E L E B R A T E !!! "

 

[blybrook PE]

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer!" the old man says. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like Heck they're getting a divorce, she shouts. "I'll take care of this!"

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow.

Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone, smiles and turns to his wife.

"They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way!"

 

[blybrook PE]

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.

The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to

their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school.

It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd

shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car,

practically landing at their feet.

Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took

it home.

There, she counted the money--fifty-thousand dollars.

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers."

She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for

the money, and knocked on the door.

Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an

armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.

One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning"

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school

yesterday . . "

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."

 

[Lumber Jim]

For some time, many of us have wondered - just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, “You don’t know Jack Schitt!” Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an informed way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children; they are: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulia Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents’ objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.

After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition, named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brother in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now, when someone says, “You don’t know Jack Schitt,” you can correct them by telling them, not only do you know Jack Schitt, you know the whole family!

Don't know if this is a repeat but if it is, it's worth repeating!!