FBI Job interview

[DVINNY]

FBI job opening

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances."

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!' the man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent

said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on

the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

 

[MA_PE]

^ :appl: :appl:

 

[squishles10]

:bananalama:

 

[frazil]

:lmao:

 

[DVINNY]

At the end of the year the IRS sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.

While checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said "I notice you buy a lot of candles, what do you do with the drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi, "We save them and send them back to the candle makers, and every now & then they send us a free box of candles"

"Oh" replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But he went on to say in his obnoxious way, " What about all those matzo purchases? What do you do with all the crumbs?"

"Ah yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. " We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of matzo balls."

"I see", replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi, he went on. "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here too we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the IRS, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

 

[SSmith]

Oh dear god those are good...

 

[Guest]

On the wisdom of consulting ....

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When another waiter brought our water, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of 'you know what', we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

 

[ktulu]

^^^ Hilarious, JR!!! :laugh:

 

[DVINNY]

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment.'

So, the midge t shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. 'A female horth.'

So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth'?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth'?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I see her mouf'?

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat'?

Totally mad as fire at this point, t he rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit'?

 

[DVINNY]

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and

decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam,

"Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street

in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.

His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded,

"Why yes sir, this is a union house.

We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.

"I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner,

"but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."

 

[DVINNY]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual

gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to

change.

One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.

It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son

returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting

home?", they asked.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit

project" said Tommy.

The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking

him completely out of his chair.

"Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went

after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie."

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking

him off his chair.

With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied.

We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I'm ashamed of you Son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied

to my parents."

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse

right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. "Boy, did you

ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all,

he is your son!"

The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her

three times.

 

[Dleg]

^^Most excellent! Two new ones, for me.

 

[Guest]

This is better told in person, but I figured I would give it a shot here ....

A lady with an extreme speech impediment/lisp enters a seafood market to make a purchase. She approaches the counter and says to the guy behind the counter in a muted fashion, "I wood wike fave pownds of mah-keral"

The guy behind the counter scrunches his face up trying to understand her. She repeats the same phrase again, to which the guy behind the counter realizes she is having trouble speaking and says, "Look lady, I am having a hard time understanding you, I just don't know what you want."

So the lady steps back from the counter, lifts her dress, swipes her hand across her crotch, and then steps back up to the counter and sticks her fingers under the guy's nose.

The guy behind the counter recoils scrunching up his face and nose in horror and says, "HOLY MACKEREL LADY!"

The lady nods in approval and raises her hand wiggling all of her fingers and thumb saying, "Yeahhh ... five powndes."

JR

That joke works a little better in person, at a bar, and with a few drinks. At least that is how it was told to me - gestures and all. hmy:

 

[maryannette]

:appl:

Laughter is good!

 

[DVINNY]

As told to me from a friend.

'I remember the time that Catherine - one of my daughter's friends

when she was little, told me that she wanted to be President one day.

Both of her parents are liberal democrats and were standing there with

us and I asked Catherine - 'If you were President what would be the

first thing you would do?'

Catherine replied - 'I would give houses to all the homeless people.'

'Wow - what a worthy goal you have there Catherine.'

I told her, 'You don't have to wait to until your President to do

that, you can come over to my house and clean up all the dog poop in

the back yard and I will pay you $5 dollars. Then we can go over to

the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give

him the $5 dollars to use for a new house.'

Catherine (who was about 4) thought that over for a second, while her

mom looked at me, and Catherine replied, 'why doesn't the homeless guy

come over and clean up the dog poop and you can pay him the $5

dollars.'

Catherine, welcome to the Republican Party

 

[DVINNY]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The

waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich,

"What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be

$9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact

change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A

hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his

pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the

waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a

salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it

on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.

How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket

every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and

found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two

wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just

put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be

there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a

million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as

long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact

money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick

with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

 

[Dleg]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusualgimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to

change.

One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.

It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son

returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting

home?", they asked.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit

project" said Tommy.

The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking

him completely out of his chair.

"Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went

after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie."

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking

him off his chair.

With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied.

We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I'm ashamed of you Son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied

to my parents."

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse

right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. "Boy, did you

ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all,

he is your son!"

The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her

three times.

I must say, this joke worked most excellently for me this weekend. Just insert the names of a couple you know and ... WHAM!

 

[MA_PE]

DV and JR:

thanks for the laugh. The midget one had me LOL at my desk.

 

[DVINNY]

DIVORCE VS. MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable little lady went into the pharmacy,

walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,

'I would like to buy some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your

husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of badthings will happen.

Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,

'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'

 

[Wolverine]

Catherine (who was about 4) thought that over for a second, while hermom looked at me, and Catherine replied, 'why doesn't the homeless guy

come over and clean up the dog poop and you can pay him the $5

dollars.'

Catherine, welcome to the Republican Party

:appl: :appl: :appl:

Now, if we could only get a majority Conservative in the Republican Party.

Heck, I'd even accept a few from the (D) party.