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DVINNY
2-time 10K winner
--- Peeing in the Bushes
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic
garbage bags, one in each hand.
There's a hole in one of the bags, and once in a while a $20 bill
flies out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her. 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills
falling out of that bag...
'Damn!' says the little old lady ... 'I'd better go back and see if
I can find some of them. Thanks for the warning!'
'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that
money? Did you steal it?'
'Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see, my yard backs up to
the sixth fairway of the Municipal Golf Course. A lot of golfers come
and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!'
So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and
each time someone sticks his thingie through the bushes, I yell: '$20
or off it comes!''
'Hey, not a bad idea!' laughs the cop. 'Good luck!' By the way,
what's in the other bag?'
'Well', says the little old lady, 'Not all of them pay.'
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic
garbage bags, one in each hand.
There's a hole in one of the bags, and once in a while a $20 bill
flies out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her. 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills
falling out of that bag...
'Damn!' says the little old lady ... 'I'd better go back and see if
I can find some of them. Thanks for the warning!'
'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that
money? Did you steal it?'
'Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see, my yard backs up to
the sixth fairway of the Municipal Golf Course. A lot of golfers come
and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!'
So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and
each time someone sticks his thingie through the bushes, I yell: '$20
or off it comes!''
'Hey, not a bad idea!' laughs the cop. 'Good luck!' By the way,
what's in the other bag?'
'Well', says the little old lady, 'Not all of them pay.'
DVINNY
2-time 10K winner
Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette
convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he
floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little
hair he had left.
Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal
even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway
patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 100mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he
thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,' and pulled over to
await the Trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette,
looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.
Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've
never Heard before, I'll let you go.'
The old gentleman paused. Then said, 'Years ago, my wife ran
off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her
back.'
'Have a good day, Sir,' replied the Trooper
convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he
floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little
hair he had left.
Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal
even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway
patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 100mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he
thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,' and pulled over to
await the Trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette,
looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.
Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've
never Heard before, I'll let you go.'
The old gentleman paused. Then said, 'Years ago, my wife ran
off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her
back.'
'Have a good day, Sir,' replied the Trooper
DVINNY
2-time 10K winner
A Professor at the University of Kentucky was giving a lecture on
the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How
many people here believe in ghosts?'
About 90 students raise their hands
'Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in
ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?'
About 40 students raise their hands.
''That's good I'm really glad you take this seriously.
Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?''
About 15 student raise their hands.
''Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?''
3 students raise their hands.
''That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one more question... Have
any of you ever made love to a ghost?''
Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says,
''Son, in all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one
has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to
come up here and tell us about your experience.''
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began
to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, ''So,
Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?''
Bubba replied, ''Shiiiiit!, from way back there I thought you
said, Goats.''
the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How
many people here believe in ghosts?'
About 90 students raise their hands
'Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in
ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?'
About 40 students raise their hands.
''That's good I'm really glad you take this seriously.
Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?''
About 15 student raise their hands.
''Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?''
3 students raise their hands.
''That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one more question... Have
any of you ever made love to a ghost?''
Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says,
''Son, in all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one
has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to
come up here and tell us about your experience.''
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began
to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, ''So,
Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?''
Bubba replied, ''Shiiiiit!, from way back there I thought you
said, Goats.''
G
Guest
:goat: :goat: :goat:
:Locolaugh: :Locolaugh: :Locolaugh:
JR
:Locolaugh: :Locolaugh: :Locolaugh:
JR
DVINNY
2-time 10K winner
Bottle of Wine
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers. The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'
Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.' The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'
She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks h alf the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches.
Don't mess with them.
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers. The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'
Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.' The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'
She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks h alf the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches.
Don't mess with them.
A scotsman is drinking alone at a local pub and a tourist comes down and sits at the bar. The scot keeps drinking and is getting pretty drunk. The tourist asks the bartender what the scot's problem is because he's just sitting there getting hammered by himself. The scot overhears the tourist and gets up and starts ranting at the tourist:
"Well, I'll tell you laddie....
You see this bar? I built this bar with my own two hands. Smooth mahogany polished to perfection. Do they call me 'McGregor the bar builder' oh no they don't.
Look outside, see that pier extending out into the ocean? Built that myself I did. Fine and sturdy and its weathered quite a few nasty storms. Do they call me 'McGregor the pier builder'? Noooo. of course not.
But.. you fuck 1 goat....."
"Well, I'll tell you laddie....
You see this bar? I built this bar with my own two hands. Smooth mahogany polished to perfection. Do they call me 'McGregor the bar builder' oh no they don't.
Look outside, see that pier extending out into the ocean? Built that myself I did. Fine and sturdy and its weathered quite a few nasty storms. Do they call me 'McGregor the pier builder'? Noooo. of course not.
But.. you fuck 1 goat....."
DVINNY
2-time 10K winner
7 reasons not to mess with children
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically &nbs! p;impos sible. The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'. The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?' The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.' The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.' Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?' Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.' The ! little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. 'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.' 'Yes,' the class said. 'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?' A little fellow shouted,
'Cause your feet ain't empty..'
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.' Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the! apples .'
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically &nbs! p;impos sible. The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'. The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?' The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.' The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.' Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?' Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.' The ! little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. 'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.' 'Yes,' the class said. 'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?' A little fellow shouted,
'Cause your feet ain't empty..'
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.' Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the! apples .'
Last edited by a moderator:
G
Guest
Sschell
Dude?
Some classic short jokes, that get a chuckle the first time, groans the next 25 times, and big laughs when they become your repertoire after hundreds of times , to the point that your friends tell the punchlines themselves... (at least, based on my experience with one friend who tells them every time I see him):
- Why should women masturbate with these two fingers? (holds up index & middle finger)
"Because they're mine!"
- Why is a camel called the ship of the desert?
"Because it's full of Arab seamen!"
- What's better than seeing a lady wrestle?
"Seeing her box!"
- What's better than a rose on a piano?
"Tulips on an organ!"
- What's the definition of slow dancing?
"A navel engagement with no loss of semen!"
- If Russia invaded Turkey from behind, would Greece help?
- Why should women masturbate with these two fingers? (holds up index & middle finger)
"Because they're mine!"
- Why is a camel called the ship of the desert?
"Because it's full of Arab seamen!"
- What's better than seeing a lady wrestle?
"Seeing her box!"
- What's better than a rose on a piano?
"Tulips on an organ!"
- What's the definition of slow dancing?
"A navel engagement with no loss of semen!"
- If Russia invaded Turkey from behind, would Greece help?
DVINNY
2-time 10K winner
^ LOL
Dleg: those are great. "Because thier mine" that killed me.
What worse than lobsters on your piano?
Crabs on your organ.
How do you make a hormone?
Don't pay her
How do make a Venetian blind?
Poke him in the eyes.
What's the difference between a hockey mom and pit bull?
Lipstick
oops sorry.
What worse than lobsters on your piano?
Crabs on your organ.
How do you make a hormone?
Don't pay her
How do make a Venetian blind?
Poke him in the eyes.
What's the difference between a hockey mom and pit bull?
Lipstick
oops sorry.
What would you do?
A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While enroute home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tiptoe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?
The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold.'
A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While enroute home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tiptoe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?
The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold.'
G
Guest
Differences between men and women ...
HER DIARY
Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. My heart just sank. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY
I shot the worst round of golf in my life today, but at least I got laid.
JR
HER DIARY
Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. My heart just sank. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY
I shot the worst round of golf in my life today, but at least I got laid.
JR
DVINNY
2-time 10K winner
Moms in Therapy
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy.'
He turned to the second Mom, Ann, 'Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce, 'Your obsession is alcohol.
This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy
by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's
talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.'
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy.'
He turned to the second Mom, Ann, 'Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce, 'Your obsession is alcohol.
This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy
by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's
talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.'
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