FBI Job interview
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G
Guest
:appl: :appl: :appl:
JR
JR
Sschell
Dude?
WOMAN'S
LOVE POEM
Before I lay me down
to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart
and strong,
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he
speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully
employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and
opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man
who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my
behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my
very best friend.
MAN'S
LOVE POEM
I pray for a
deaf-mute nymphomaniac with
Huge boobs
who owns a bar on a golf
course,
And loves to send me fishing and hunting. This
Doesn't rhyme and I
don't give a shit.
LOVE POEM
Before I lay me down
to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart
and strong,
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he
speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully
employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and
opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man
who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my
behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my
very best friend.
MAN'S
LOVE POEM
I pray for a
deaf-mute nymphomaniac with
Huge boobs
who owns a bar on a golf
course,
And loves to send me fishing and hunting. This
Doesn't rhyme and I
don't give a shit.
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage. He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back... He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today..." "Oh, just give it to me and I`ll explain it later," he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without." "Send extra sauce."
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today..." "Oh, just give it to me and I`ll explain it later," he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without." "Send extra sauce."
G
Guest
As one who has been watching shows on TLC and DiscoveryHealth about unknown pregnancies and multiple births ...
JR
JR
Sschell
Dude?
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could
manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said 'How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my
fiancée is still a virgin - in every way'
The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it
heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.'
He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint,
and taped it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their
honeymoon.
That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her
beautiful breasts. She said, 'You're the first; no one has EVER touched
these.'
He immediately drops his pants and replies, .....'Look at this, ....
still in the CRATE!'
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could
manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said 'How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my
fiancée is still a virgin - in every way'
The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it
heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.'
He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint,
and taped it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their
honeymoon.
That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her
beautiful breasts. She said, 'You're the first; no one has EVER touched
these.'
He immediately drops his pants and replies, .....'Look at this, ....
still in the CRATE!'
Dark Knight
Silent Guardian
The other day my boss was talking on his cell phone and driving (still legal in TN). He came up to a red light and didn't notice how fast the large pickup in front of him was stopping, resulting in a minor fender bender. He promptly hung up and got out of his car only to see a dwarf hop out of the big truck and start charging at him, obviously upset.
When the other driver got wthin a few feet he said "I'll have you know I am not happy!"
To which my boss immediatly replied "Well, which one are you?"
When the other driver got wthin a few feet he said "I'll have you know I am not happy!"
To which my boss immediatly replied "Well, which one are you?"
Dark Knight
Silent Guardian
Flyer_PE
Jr. PE / Sr. Company Pilot
1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. Never lick a steak knife.
11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
19. Your friends love you anyway.
Thought for the day:
Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember that amateurs built the Ark.
Professionals built the Titanic
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. Never lick a steak knife.
11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
19. Your friends love you anyway.
Thought for the day:
Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember that amateurs built the Ark.
Professionals built the Titanic
RIP - VTEnviro
His Memory Eternal
Uhhh...daylight savings time is from the end of April until the end of October. Everybody loves it, because it stays light later.
Except my wife, who loves when we set the clock back because it's light for her morning run. But she's weird.
Capt Worley PE
Run silent, run deep
I do this all the time. No biggie.
Freon
Well-known member
What about "Never sleep with a woman who has a tatoo of a dagger on her inner thigh" ?
Melanie11
Well-known member
Fluvial
The Ditch Witch
Aren't some of these Dave Barry-isms? I love 'em though. 
I hate daylight savings time. I am usually at work by 630am. I usually get to work during the dark before or after daylight savings time. To me it takes away daylight. Now if I have a late day at work and I have to leave at 4pm I get home and its dark already. If there was not daylight savings time I would have at least an hour of light. I hate coming home from work in the dark.
Flyer_PE
Jr. PE / Sr. Company Pilot
Capt Worley PE
Run silent, run deep
^White man speak with forked tongue!
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