FBI Job interview

[csb]

:blink:

 

[DVINNY]

Little Billy's father walked in to his room and caught him masturbating. "Son! You need to save that for when you're married!"
"OK. I'm sorry Dad."

Time passes, and little Billy has grown up and gotten himself engaged. As Billy is getting into his tuxedo just prior to the service, he asks his father:

"Dad, remember that time you caught me jerking off, ad you told me to save it until I was married?"

His father chuckles and says "Yeah, I remember that. Why?"

"Well, I've got a 55 gallon barrel of the stuff now. What am I supposed to do with it?"

:jerkit: :burgerking:

 

[DVINNY]

WOMEN

Jill and John got married. John thought this would be a "marriage of the 90's" -- equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed. Jill wasn't impressed with his culinary skills, however.

She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, "Poached? I wanted scrambled!"

Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg. Jill wasn't having any of it.

"Do you think I don't like variety? I wanted poached this morning!"

Determined to please Jill, the next morning he thought, "third time's a charm" and brought her two eggs -- one scrambled and one poached. "Here, my love, enjoy!"

Jill looks at the plate and says, "You scrambled the wrong egg."

 

[wilheldp_PE]

WOMEN
Jill and John got married. John thought this would be a "marriage of the 90's" -- equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed. Jill wasn't impressed with his culinary skills, however.

She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, "Poached? I wanted scrambled!"

Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg. Jill wasn't having any of it.

"Do you think I don't like variety? I wanted poached this morning!"

Determined to please Jill, the next morning he thought, "third time's a charm" and brought her two eggs -- one scrambled and one poached. "Here, my love, enjoy!"

Jill looks at the plate and says, "You scrambled the wrong egg."

...John will be up for parole after serving 30 years.

 

[MA_PE]

My HS aged son told me this one.

How do you know when your wife is dead?

The sex is the same but the dirty dishes are piling up.

 

[DVINNY]

A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word

'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm,

and we all saw his pet sheep It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word

'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I

was fascinated.

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use

the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand.. The teacher hesitated because she had

been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no

way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits

are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.

 

[wilheldp_PE]

A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm,

and we all saw his pet sheep It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word

'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I

was fascinated.

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use

the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand.. The teacher hesitated because she had

been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no

way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits

are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.

Little Johnny has said more funny shit in his childhood than any comedian can in his whole life.

 

[KEG]

A young man goes into the Job Center in Jacksonville, Florida, and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he goes in to learn more, 'Can you give me some more details?' He asks the clerk. The clerk pulls up the file and says, 'The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you have to go to Oxford, Mississippi. That's about 620 miles from here………….

Oh, is that where the job is?'

'No sir, that's where the end of the line is right now.'

 

[IlPadrino]

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her titsare so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.

Johnny went to my school, but the teacher didn't pick the word, the students did...

Sally volunteered "beautiful. My teacher is beautiful."

Jimmy said "awesome. My teacher is awesome."

and so on...

Until finally, only Johnny hadn't been called on.

"OK, Johnny. Your turn."

Johnny said "urinate.... You're an eight... but if your tits were bigger you'd be a ten."

 

[DVINNY]

CLASSICS FROM THE 10K

That reminds me, what's the difference between a circus and a chorus line?

One features an array of cunning stunts....

^ Same concept: What's the difference between a tribe of African pygmies and the girls track team?

The answer is:

Spoiler

One of them is a bunch of cunning little runts.....

 

[Chucktown PE]

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me... It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

 

[Sschell]

^ :appl:

 

[EM_PS]

Snow. . .beautiful snow - Imagine, if you will, a certain Floridian relocating to oh say Michigan. . .here would be the chronicles of JR:

December 8, 6:00 PM

It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took

our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft

flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So

romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch

of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely

place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had!

Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did

both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came

along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got

to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12

The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My

neighbor tells me not to worry-we'll definitely have a white Christmas.

No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by

the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think

that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14

Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20.

The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but

I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!

The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I

didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll

certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15

20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4 x 4 Blazer. Bought snow

tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The

wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's

silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16

Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway

putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I

think was very cruel.

December 17

Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity

was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing

to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I

should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it

when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living

room.

December 20

Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last

night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn snowplow came by twice.

Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy

playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store

around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have

another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to

shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22

Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the

white shit fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till

August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and

then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed and dressed

again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on

his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think

the asshole is lying.

December 23

Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me

to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!!

Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I

think she's lying.

December 24

6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel.

Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch

who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls

and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the

corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the

street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just

been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and

open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.

December 25

Merry friggin' Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight -

Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the

snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit

him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I

think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch 'It's A Wonderful

Life' one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26

Still snowed in.. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER

idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27

Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14

hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my

pipes.

December 28

Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me

crazy!!!

December 29

10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in.

That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30

Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me

for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for

trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to

her mother. Nine more inches predicted.

December 31

I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8

Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.

Why am I tied to the bed?

 

[krenim]

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college, but half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.
He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!'

'That's amazing,' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $1,000' the young cowboy says. 'I'll get him in the course.'

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

'So how's Ol' Blue doing son,' his father asks.

'Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm, 'he says, 'but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!'

'Read!' says his father, 'No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?'

Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. 'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!'

'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, as he usually does.

Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead who lives in town?'

The father exclaimed, 'I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!' 'I sure did, Dad!' 'That's my boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer... And then he went on to become a Congressman.

I thought he grew up to be Vice President Dick Cheney...

 

[krenim]

Snow. . .beautiful snow - Imagine, if you will, a certain Floridian relocating to oh say Michigan. .
....

Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.

Why am I tied to the bed?

Been there, done it, still got the t-shirt. Except you missed a few days in there. It snows EVERY day in December in the UP. My daily routine when I lived there was get up, go to work, come home, eat dinner, blow off the driveway, go to bed. Repeat. Occasionally the snow skipped a day, so I got to substitute "shovel roof" for blow off driveway..."Say ya, to da U.P., eh?"

 

[mudpuppy]

^krenim, are you a fellow MTU alum?

 

[krenim]

No, I'm a North Dakota State alum, I worked for one of the iron mines near Marquette.

 

[wilheldp_PE]

If I ever catch the son of a bitchwho drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls

and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the

corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the

street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just

been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and

open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.

December 25

Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit

him over the head with my shovel.

Man shoots snow plow driver

SPOKANE, Wash. (AP) - More than 6 feet of snow in the past three weeks has left Spokane residents frustrated. Tempers are so frayed that a man was arrested for shooting at a snow plow operator.

 

[MA_PE]

Man shoots snow plow driver

And that's funny, why?

 

[wilheldp_PE]

And that's funny, why?

It's not...it just reminded me of Error Matrix's post.