The Adventures of Engineering P.I.

[snickerd3]

No shit, there I was...standing in the middle of the overflowing septic field and there was NO SHIT. Instead, this silvery non-newtonian substance was seeping from the ground.

"GREAT! @#*#&%*" VTEnviro said to himself. "There goes another pair of shoes!"

By now it was evident that someone has starting killing the unicorns again, but who?

 

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I began to ponder about this while i walked back up to the client's building. Then my cellphone rang, it was the Dude. In an annoyed tone I said "WTF do you want and make it quick?!"

"Where the hell are you? You left yesterday without a word and the phone has been ringing nonstop since." Said the Dude.

"I'm in Clemson, South Carolina working a case. I'm on my way up to the Client's office as we speak."

 

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As I entered the building alarms started going off and the security guards stood up and made his way over.

"You didn't read the sign." he said while rolling his eyes. "What Sign?" I asked. The guard whose badge said Chucktown escorted me back outside and pointed to the wall. So I walked over and started reading:

ATTENTION EMPLOYEES AND VISITORS

Due to the sensitive nature of our business the following items are not allowed in the Building:

All communicating devices such as pagers, beepers, cell phones, smart phones, etc...

Devices having a QWRTY keypad such as a laptop, desk top, etc...

Personal pencils or writing devices

loose papers

If you are carrying any of these items please place them in the provided tray and they will be

stored in a safe location for the duration of your stay.

Thanks, The Management

 

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"SHIT!" I pull out my cell and dial the Dude. "Sschell_PE a.k.a. the Dude speaking"

"it's me"

"Wow that was quick meeting, when are you coming back?" ask the Dude.

"i'm not, there's been a small delay and I might need your help. Start packing and call Wilheld in to man the phones."

"WILHELD...VTE don't you remember the unloading incident the last time we had Wilheld answer the phones?"

"Yes I remember you nimrod, but we have no other choice at the moment. I'll call back later."

 

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Next to the sign was a stack of metal trays with lids. I emptied my pockets and took the tray to the guards who was standing next to the door. Chucktown proceded to insert the metal tray into the slot in the wall. A mechanical system started and it sounded like it was going to exploded...clink, clank, vroom, chug, clang whiz pop.

I started to raise my arms to protect my face when I heard "bbbeeelllllcccchhhh" and a metal triangle popped out. "Your claim ticket" CHucktown said. "so who are you here to see?" chucktown asked as we walked through the doors.

"Tim" I said. And Chucktown stopped short. "TIM?" He asked smuggly, "No one sees Tim".

"Well, I'm here at his request so wipe that selfrightous grin off your face and direct me to his office."

 

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begrudgingly chucktown pointed to the end of the hall "Take the elevator to the 3rd floor, turn right, and the end fo the hall turn left, you should come to a stone gnome. Then speak the password and the door should open."

"Password?" I asked. "yes a password, the only way to see Tim is by using a Password, unless you are not telling the truth about your purpose here."

"No, I just remembered he mentioned that, thanks" I turned and headed towards the elevator. I waited until the doors closed..."Damn it, what was the password? I wrote it down on a slip of paper which I had to leave at the door." THINK VTE THINK...Rambo...cotton candy...2 girls 1 cup...scrapbooking? That's it Scrapbooking, I even wrote it on a 'SCRAP' of paper just in case. Just then the elevator doors opened and I found my way to the stone gnome.

 

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Meanwhile, Back at the office sschell is trying to get ahold of Wilheld. "Wilheld this is sschell, we need you to come in and answer the phones for awhile." "sschell who?" "The Dude, you moron, VTE needs my help so you have to come in."

Wilheld thinks about it for a second then says"no way, not after the last time." "Forget about last time, we need someone today and that only leaves you!"

What about DVINNY...working a case in Chicago, Capt Worley...in California, Frazil...in Finland working a super secret case, Flyer...in the air somewhere on vacation. "Wilheld knock it off everyone else is busy too, now get your ass in here now or I'll have to unleash the Fat Bastard on you."

"okay, okay I'll be there in a few hours" "No, you will leave now" CLICK

 

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The stone gnome was bent over goatsee style. As I approached, a microphone came out of the stone butt. "scrapbooking" I said keeping my head as far away from the mircophone as I could.

"i'm sorry you the computer did not register the password, please come closer and try again" said a light hearted female voice.

I inched a little closer and tried again...same result. I moved closer once more and the lady's voice said "Now was that really that bad?" "password accepted, thank you and have a nice day"

A door slid open to reveal a winding wood staircase that went up about 4 stories. As I started up the steps the door slid closed with a heavy Bang and 3 sets of locks engaged. I had to stop for a breath about halfway up. Finally I reached the landing as the top and knocked on the door.

"Enter" said a male voice from within the room. There sat a man, Tim I assume, at a rather grand mahongany desk typing at his computer.

"You must be VTEnviro, please have a seat." "From the looks of your shoes, I think you now know why I called you."

 

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I couldn't help but notice a familar website on Tim's screen. "I know what you are thinking...no computers allowed" Tim said, "But being me, I have certain Privileges"

"Oh, no that's not why I was looknig at your computer" I said. "I recognise the website you are viewing."

"Oh yes engineerboards.com, it was test weekend a little over a week ago and I make it a point to troll around the website for a bit after test weekends to ensure people aren't revealing test content." "Now back to the problem at hand." "I called Engineering P.I. becasue you are the best. We need to figure out whats going on and in a manor that doesn't draw attention to it. Do you know what that stuff is?"

 

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"I do" I said.

"Great, this is even easier than I thought. What do I need to do to get rid of it?" asked Tim

"I said I knew what is was, but just cleaning it up isn't going to solve the problem."

"What do you mean it wont sovle the problem?"

"I've encountered this substance before and while unicorn blood seems like an easy clean there are..." "UNICORN BLOOD" Tim interupts. "Yes unicorn blood, and as I was saying there are bigger underlying problems. Unicorns are believed to have unexplainable powers and items such as unicorn hair or unicorn horn shavings have been used centuries as part of "Magical" practices. But to actually kill the unicorn, the ramifications are somewhat unknown and probably not good. We need to find out where in the building this is going on."

"What do you mean, in the building?!" Time asked incredulously.

"Well, that is a private septic system that only services this building, I know because I checked before arriving here. So someone tried washing down a room or even just poured the substance down the drain to get rid of any evidence. They didn't realize that a. it was less dense than water and b. the septic system was clogged so it is daylighting to the surface. The septic system would have failed regardless...its just silver rather than shit right now."

 

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"I'll get my team together and we wil figure this out." I said, but seeing the growing looking of concern on Tim's face when i said "Team" I continued, "We will be as discrete as we can, but some of the "RULES" will have to be broken."

"Just let me know what you need and I will see that it gets done." Tim said.

I got up to leave and fished the metal triangle from my pocket. "Interesting coat check system you have here Tim."

"Oh yeah, that monstrosity...security companies idea."

With that I was off. making my way back to the front door.

 

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Chucktown was sitting at the guard desk watching the game when I walked through the lobby. He had a concerned look on his face when he saw me, but said "Have a nice day" as i exited the building. I inserted the metal triangle into the wall slot and the machine kicked into life . After an extraordinary amount of time the box with my belongings finally surfaced. I grabbed the phone and dialed. "Dude, get a team together, fiber optics, clean up, the whole shebang."

"Thats fine and dandy, but where the hell are you?!" Dude asked

"Clemson, SC" and I hung up. As I was putting the phone in my pocket, I noticed Chucktown was now standing by the door and probably overheard the entire conversation. I gave him one of those Hi I see you waves and headed back to the car. Time to get to the hotel and see if I can salvage these shoes.

 

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Sschell is at the airport waiting for his flight and is beyond frustrated with VTEs lack of details. BigRay always assembled the teams, but seeing as BigRay got into some Big trouble during his last liquid lunch, it would be up to him to do it. "Let's see, Fusion White on research, Dleg and FLBuff on cleanup, Dark Knight on Optics, and maybe Sapper for his uncanny ability to get people to do what he wants...it might come in handy." He makes the calls and gets on his plane. Rendez-vous with the team is set for 10Am tomorrow.

 

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To keep up appearance but still have some privacy I chose a small hotel at the edge of town to set up headquarters. The team was already in the conference room when I got there. They were chatting, drinking coffee and eating bagels. "Coffee..." I said. With that a combination of laughter and groaning rippled through the room when I declared my displeasure. "you owe me 5 bucks" Sapper said to FlBuff.

"I know i've been sketchy on the details, but our client has requested the secrecy." As the collective eyeroll ensued I tossed my unsalvagable shoes on the table and said "anyone recognise that?"

"Sure, its time to get new shoes" Dleg said. "Look closer future boy. What's on the shoes?"

They all stared at the shoes, Fusion White was the first to break the silence "It can't be!?"

 

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"Will someone please let the rest of us in on your little secret?!" Sschell said. FusionWhite looked at me then said to the group, "It's Unicorn blood." in a very serious tone.

Everyone looked at each other, then Dark Knight said, "Yeah, so what." "So What? Because there is nothing good that can come of it. The very fate of engineering across the country could be at risk," Fusion White continued.

"Fate of engineering...what nonsense is that?!" FlBuff said.

"Apparently you haven't figuerd out who the client is!" This was met with a blank stares.

"Fusion White is right," I said. "The client is responsible for creating/administuring the tests that licence the engineering community in this country. We need to figure out what is going on and stop it, before it is too late."

 

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"With that said, duty roster and story time." I told the group. "We are going to go in as a septic/plumbing company to deal with the spetic field and to find "clogs" in the plumbing for good measure. Dled/Sapper you guys need to address the mess outside....do we have a continuous source of this muck or is it done. Sap you might need to be your charismatic self to keep the cover. Dark Knight, Flbuff will help you with the optic cameras. We need to check out every drain in the building and make sure they flow to the septic field. Fusion White, get on research we need to know what we are up against. I need to have another chat with Tim. I didn't forget about you Dude, I want you floating between groups helping out as needed. Get ready to head out this evening for optic work and tomorrow field work begins."

 

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Meanwhile, back at the office... "Engineering P.I> this is Wilheld how can I help you?"

My toaster wouldn't work this morning. I put the bread in and pushed the lever down, but nothing happened.

Here we go again Wilheld thought as he held his breath and counted to 10 before he answered.

 

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"Tim this is VTE wee need to talk abou thte rule exemptions this morning. I'd like to start inside tonight."

"so which sign are we going to use for the truck?" Dleg asked.

"This Pump's for you" or "One good flush deserves another"

 

[snickerd3]

Dark knight, flbuff and I pulled up to the clients building and started unloading the equipment. "Lets make sure we grab everything we might need. I don't want to have to deal with security hassles more than necessary.' I said to the two who were stcking boxes onto the luggage carts. Our trio lugged our carts through the door clearly ignoring the sign on the wall and alarms started blaring. "The elevator is down the hall, we have a conference room on the second floor to organize our equipment." I told Dark Knight and Fl Buff, ignoring the alarms. A security guard came running froma back office screaming, "STOP, where the hell do you thnk you are going."

"to the 2nd floor" i said as we continued towards the elevator.

"I don't think so buddy boy," the guard said as he reached for his club. But before he could remove it from the holster he was on the ground panting for breath. Out of nowhere with fluid like movement Dark KNight had knocked him to the ground. I casually walked over and peered down at his namge tag, Dexman it read. 'Sorry old boy. You really shouldn't have done that. Dark Knight here has ninja skills, you are lucky it was just a take down."

 

[snickerd3]

I looked back towards Dark Knight and Flbuff and said "Now that all the excitment is over, back to the elevators." Dexman was making to block our way again. "and you Dexman is it...if you want to end up on the floor again, by all mean continue. But we have work to do. If you have any questions talk to Tim. So long, see you later, tata." I said. With that we were in the elevator ont he way tot he second floor when Dark Knight puts his hands to gether and cracks his knuckles proudly. "Now that's what I'm talking about!!!"

The room had everything I asked for and then some. On the large wooden confernece table were the building blueprints and as builts, security card keys and lots of extension cords and co-axial cables. They even saw a cotton candy machine in the corner next to the coffee pot. Dark knight and FlBuff both looked over at me with a WTF expression. "Hey, I just wanted to see how serious the guys was." I said. "Besides, you will be thanking me come 3AM when you need a sugar rush."